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Alcohol to be banned

Written By: - Date published: 1:40 pm, July 15th, 2012 - 15 comments
Categories: alcohol, crime, drugs, Satire - Tags:

The Government announced that it was withdrawing its Alcohol Reform Bill today and introducing prohibition after it realised that alcohol was used by the ‘Beast of Blenheim‘ to stupefy young girls.

“It’s what we’d do if it was any other drug, particularly as it’s associated with the ‘Beast of Blenheim‘,” said Justice Minister Judith Collins.

National however intend to decriminalise cannabis as part of the same law.

“We need something to keep the population happy and distracted, otherwise people might realise that the $1 billion per year we spend on ‘fiscally neutral’ tax cuts, and the ever more billions we spend subsidising polluters on the ETS might be better spent on reducing the deficit instead of selling profitable assets to do it,” Judith Collins laughed.

When prompted with research that cannabis could also be used to stupefy children for paedophilic purposes, John Key said he was “relaxed” about it.

Scientists are like lawyers and I’m sure I can provide you with another one that will give you a counterview.”

However it’s understood the Government is looking into ecstasy as a replacement, or the possible development of soma, should any unsavoury crimes be associated with cannabis after its decriminalisation.

15 comments on “Alcohol to be banned”

  1. Dr Terry 1

    Oh, if only this Government would provide us with a little ecstasy!! There is precious little to be ecstatic about in their version of a “brighter future”! One does not know all about “unsavoury crimes”, but one sure does recognise “unsavoury rule”.

  2. Pete 2

    Tory children wear grey They work much harder than we do, because they’re so frightfully clever. I’m really awfuly glad I’m a United Futurian because I don’t work so hard. And then we are much better than the Green and Labourites. Greens are stupid. They all wear green, and Labour children wear khaki. Oh no, I don’t want to play with Labour children. And Mana are still worse. They’re too stupid….

  3. fender 3

    Collins then went on to say she intends to crush the residence of anyone making homebrew. Tolley was then seen running off to get her stilettos and hard hat , and Brownlee was fighting with Bennett over which one of them was the biggest bully. Joyce took no notice and went off to his scheduled meeting with the mafia, while English was at the chemist with his usual tranquilizer perscription. Key was at the tailor getting more suits with bigger pockets, so too was Parata but she was hiding in the fitting room “helping” Key get in and out of his pants. Dunne was at his salon office getting a blue rinse, while Banks was pacing around his office chewing his fingernails. And the MP were performing a mock bag packing ceremony for laughs.

  4. Bored 4

    Sorry Bunji, call me soft but I cannot find in my heart to want to see any humour associated with the Beast of Blenheim, even being used for satire against those other bastards. The bastard just did too much harm to too many women.

    • quartz 4.1


      • vto 4.1.1

        Yep, anyone taking bets on his life expectancy post-release? I would guess maybe 2 years before some other nutter nails him.

    • alex 4.2

      +2. Not funny.

    • rosy 4.3

      A reason why rape jokes aren’t funny
      It’s not women who think all men are rapists, it’s rapists who think that all men are rapists.

      • Bunji 4.3.1

        Sorry, this most certainly wasn’t meant to in any way make light of or lessen Stewart Wilson’s crimes, and certainly not be a ‘rape joke’ (if such things can even exist).

        Rather, his crimes are so extreme, and much lesser crimes that involved literally any other drug would provoke a much more severe response from the government. Indeed, because his crimes are so high profile the government has sought to (in his media spotlight) override due process of law and punish people twice for the same offence – and their changes won’t even affect him.

        And that’s before we even get onto the shear volume of crime (right across the spectrum) that results from alcohol. And the government’s response is mainly to focus on whether 18 & 19 year olds should be able to have drink. Because that won’t affect most voters (or people who commit alcohol-related crime).

        • rosy

          Yeah, Bunji I understand what you mean and you made a good point. It’s just that…. almost anyone except giving that person some air…
          that’s all.

          As for if rape jokes exist, there has been a bit of a kerfuffle around comedian Daniel Tosh on this very point just recently.

      • Murray Olsen 4.3.2

        I’ve never seen it put that way before, Rosie, but it makes a lot of sense.

  5. prism 5

    Ha it’s a hiding to nothing to try and find matching patterns to the government’s jigsaw policies.
    And the ‘Beast’ is so beastly.

    But it isn’t right to call us animals when we are seeking a strong criticism for miscreants. Animals don’t have the same level of deviousness, unquenchable wants, desire for power over others.

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