web analytics
The Standard

Caption contest

Written By: - Date published: 2:25 pm, December 10th, 2011 - 80 comments
Categories: caption contest, humour, national - Tags: , , ,

80 comments on “Caption contest”

  1. reedfleming 1

    By the skin of her teeth.

  2. Does this mean I am no longer a westie?

    • lprent 2.1

      No there’s something wrong with that…

      “Does this mean I don’t have to pretend to be a westie”

      After all, like being unemployed we have to believe that it is a choice that people make to avoid working.

      Oh well, now she is clear to parachute into the North Shore or Howick.

  3. dancerwaitakere 3

    Smile and wave.

  4. jps 4

    Matt Lucas?

  5. kriswgtn 5

    im so trying not to force one out my ass

  6. Jenny 6

    Ouch, that smarts!

  7. mike 7

    “I ate his liver with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti.”

  8. Craig Glen Eden 8

    Back seat of the Holden with yeah yeah coarse I will.

  9. Gruntie 9

    Im still going to screw the benies, bitch

  10. anne 10

    ‘You just wait til i get my un-elected hands on you’

  11. drongo 11

    Before I answer that one just let me fart. We all do that, right?

  12. just saying 12

    Bugger you all. I know my rights.
    I’ve been working here for much longer than 90 days

  13. My waters just broke. Phew, I’d be in trouble if I was having another child while still on a benefit.

  14. drongo 14

    I grimace like this to help cover up the shit I talk and that this can be seen in the fact that I do it more as the level of shit I talk increases. Check me out on youtube to see for yourself, here I am here, and nobody can fucking tell – I’m un-fucking-believeable, ou’ tau ya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y2QXrHfKL0

  15. Irascible 15

    These falsies KeY inserted should stop me saying anything for the next three years. Mind you I’ve never said anything meaningful so I can’t understand his insertion on me wearing them. At least I can still smile & wave.

  16. rod 16

    Who cares, we’ve still got John’s two Poodles and three more lined up.

    • Tel 16.1

      Wagging her tail fresh back from the dog groomer, shunned poodle made to beg for food.

      • Sunny 16.1.1

        All this comparison of the Key and Banks with poodles is unjust….poodles are smart little creatures capable of love.

        • Hami Shearlie 16.1.1.1

          Agreed Sunny! I have had three poodles! Banks is neither beautiful or intelligent which poodles are -he’s more like a vicious chihuahua called Noo-Noo on The Dog Whisperer. Dunne is like a spaniel, biddable, can be stubborn, not overly smart. Bennett is definitely NOT like a poodle. She’s a bulldog, stubborn, full of noise,(maybe a bit of drooling, and lots of foul wind) but, mainly, pretty darn thick!

          • Ms X 16.1.1.1.1

            Now you’ve upset the spaniel brigade…..

            • Hami Shearlie 16.1.1.1.1.1

              Sorry Ms X – I love spaniels too, had a Cavalier – he was clever in a sneaky way, but not brilliant like a poodle – spaniels are adorable though, unlike Dunny-Brush!

  17. Hilary 17

    See the teethwhitening and dental work you taxpayers funded. Only the best for me.

    • arbeitslos 17.1

      Thought very much the same

      “Good thing I paid $$$$ for the teeth whitening before the election”

      P.S. Paula – my teeth are full of holes – have to wait for an emergency i.e. they fall out or break before WINZ will fund a trip to the dentist!

  18. Tel 18

    Waitakere United debut new look football for 2012

  19. McFlock 19

    No, I’m not the Joker in disguise. It’s just pure coincidence that I kept referring to the electorate as “West Gotham”.

  20. red blooded 20

    You’re mean!
    I’m going to hold my breath until my face turns blue… Oh wait: it already is!

  21. Deadly_NZ 21

    Fuck John Key, I’m a Joker Fan

    • mik e 21.1

      I haven’t lost ! any weight with my tax payer funded stomach staple so I have had my teeth wired.
      So like bill English I have nothing I can say

  22. fabregas4 23

    “I made the most of a strong welfare system myself, I did” “But why should anyone else get any help”

    “it’s all about me! Me! Me!”.

    “fuck I lost”.

  23. Populuxe1 24

    “Bring me Solo and the Wookie”

  24. fabregas4 25

    “I’ll do 12 of you if you can get your vote in quickly”. “bugger it, I’ll do it anyway”.

  25. Jackal 26

    My teeth aren’t the only thing I’m clenching.

  26. ianmac 27

    When monkeys bare their teeth watch out!

  27. Adrian 28

    “I just needed 12 more people to weigh in on my side. Fuck, I weigh more than 12 people, doesn’t that count.”

  28. drongo 29

    Shut up Murray, I think I’m about there.

  29. fatty 30

    OK then…make it 4 scoops – and throw in a couple of donuts

  30. randal 31

    is that a big fat joint in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

  31. higherstandard 32

    Hooray are we doing fat jokes ?

    here’s one for you all.

    http://nx-files.blogspot.com/2011/08/carmel-sepuloni.html

    • drongo 32.1

      And notice how the pathetic two comments didn’t say a thing about anything Carmel said in the clip. All those TWO people could focus on was what she was wearing. Just take a hike, loser.

  32. jaymam 33

    Runner up in the John Key look-a-like contest!

  33. Uhoooo……Gareth honey – it’s me…Paula.

  34. ropata 35

    I am going to sit next to Banksie in the House! Yippee!!!
    I just sat on a poor kid, Ooopsie LOLZ

  35. Paul Campbell 36

    Do I believe that MMPs who lose electorate seats should not be allowed to get in on the list? Yes! of course!oh, oh, wait, that was yesterday, No! No!

  36. Jackal 37

    Look what twice the dose of smile and wave meds did to me.

  37. Jared 38

    11 Votes, what a mandate!

  38. seeker 39

    “gottle of geer, gottle of geer, gottle of geer……”,

  39. Treetop 40

    Being beaten fair and square by the better opponent would not have left her grining like a donkey.

  40. arbeitslos 41

    Ooh that hurts just a little bit – stick it to me John!

  41. Karl Sinclair 42

    Bubbles DeVere

    Call me Bubbles darling, everybody does!’ “Why don’t you take a photo? It lasts longer!”

    clip

    [lprent: got to fix this bug. ]

  42. kriswgtn 43

    ouch agh hell

    FUK OUCH

    That jokey hen has my remote control for my pleasure dispenser

  43. alan 44

    Not really a caption, but if Princess Fiona and the Donkey (in Shrek) were to breed – –

  44. Roy 45

    I can only smile and wave at the same time if I concentrate really hard.

  45. Think Toothpaste Advert

    “Oh Look, it does get in…NOT ANY MORE!”

  46. swordfish 47

    Photographer captures the exact moment the collective boot of Waitakere voters hits Paula Bennett’s arse.

  47. prune 48

    Look at me before I go back on the DPB.

  48. newsense 49

    The superglue was essential to holding the smile in place whatever happened, but the the tension in the neck muscles betrayed the jaws’ desire to be prized apart and scream.

  49. Craig Glen Eden 50

    I said I wanted a boob job but the Surgeon said Austerity was in so I had a facelift and chin enlargement on a reduced rate, what do think ladies?

  50. strategos 51

    Vacancy: Aviation Adviser, AfPak Border

  51. Takere 52

    Jenny Craigs best advice for Paula on how to lose weight …. keep your mouth shut!!

  52. Chris Oden 53

    I’m totally relaxed.John loves me because I always say and do exactly what he tells me to.He will just bump someone else off the list.Just for me!AND I came first in totally meaningless smiling class.

  53. Jackal 54

    I’m trying not to leak… your details to the media.

  54. fender 55

    “Behind me you will see some photos of children I intend to destroy through poverty, my smile is fake but I will enjoy seeing them starve”

    ” I’m now number 9 instead of 14….and you all thought I was too big to fit under the table between JK’s legs”

  55. M 56

    “Shit, forgot to have my tetanus shot.”

  56. Jackal 57

    Shut up or I’ll eat you.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • ANZ has moral obligation to fully compensate farmers
      The ANZ Bank has a moral obligation to fully compensate farmers after the High Court today declared it breached the Fair Trading Act by misleadingly representing interest rate swap loans, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. The Commerce… ...
    2 hours ago
  • Fairfax can’t use restructure to cut terms and conditions
    The restructure and upheavals at Fairfax should not be used as an opportunity to cut journalists’ terms and conditions, Labour spokesperson for Labour Issues Iain Lees-Galloway says. “Businesses have to adapt to new technologies and consumer demands and there is… ...
    3 hours ago
  • McCully excuses unravel in Saudi sheep scandal
    Murray McCully has misled New Zealanders, Parliament and his Cabinet colleagues on the real reasons for paying millions of dollars in the Saudi sheep scandal – it’s time for him to clean, says Labour’s Export Growth and Trade spokesperson David… ...
    4 hours ago
  • Nats break health and education spending promises
    National has outstanding promises of almost $1 billion to be spent on health, education and agriculture from the Future Investment Fund but has only $536 million left in the fund, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “John Key and Bill… ...
    5 hours ago
  • Manurewa youth leaders acknowledged
    The depth and breadth of leadership of youth throughout Manurewa, which has been recognized at the Youth Week Award ceremony held at Parliament this week, should make the community extremely proud, Manurewa Labour MP Louisa Wall says. “The 'Limitless Youth… ...
    6 hours ago
  • Oi Auckland Transport: fare’s fair
    Auckland Transport should go back to the drawing board on its proposal to charge commuters for its park-and-rides, Labour’s Transport spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “When we need to be getting people out of their cars and onto public transport, it’s… ...
    6 hours ago
  • Is Nick Smith making it up as he goes along?
      Housing Minister Nick Smith must release the list of Crown land parcels which formed the basis of the Government’s Budget announcement, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “If the public is to have any faith the Government is not just… ...
    7 hours ago
  • Norway moves first to dump coal investments
    The Green Party today called on the Government to secure cross-party support to sell its investments in coal mining companies.The Norwegian Parliament's finance committee agreed in a bipartisan motion yesterday to instruct the $1.2 trillion Government Pension Fund to sell… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    9 hours ago
  • Fonterra payout $13b black hole over 2 years
    Fonterra’s dramatic cut to its forecast farmgate payout over this season and next will lead to a $13 billion black hole over two years, and shows the need for a plan to diversify the economy, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant… ...
    10 hours ago
  • Labour calls for select ctte inquiry into Rural Broadband Initiative
    Labour is calling for an immediate inquiry into the flailing $300 million rural broadband initiative, before companies and consumers are forced to pick up the tab for the new $150 million broadband tax, says Labour’s ICT spokesperson Clare Curran. “Rural… ...
    10 hours ago
  • Public broadcasting takes big hit under National Government
    Public broadcasting funding has been cut by 25 per cent in real terms since the National Government took office in 2009, leading to the erosion of our once world-class news and current affairs culture, says Labour Broadcasting Spokesperson Clare Curran. … ...
    10 hours ago
  • Hospital food plan hits another snag
    The Government has been left with egg on its face with Hawke’s Bay District Health Board today giving a plan to outsource hospital food services the thumbs down, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. “Doing away with local kitchens by… ...
    1 day ago
  • Hospital food plan hits another sang
    The Government has been left with egg on its face with Hawke’s Bay District Health Board today giving a plan to outsource hospital food services the thumbs down, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. “Doing away with local kitchens by… ...
    1 day ago
  • Wilkinson appointment wrong in principle
    The appointment of former Conservation Minister Hon Kate Wilkinson as an Environment Commissioner is wrong in principle, says Labour’s Shadow Attorney-General David Parker. “The doctrine of separation of powers requires judicial processes to remain separate and independent from the legislature… ...
    1 day ago
  • McCully doesn’t deny bribe in Saudi sheep scandal
    “In Parliament today I asked Murray McCully directly: Why is he the first Minister in history to back a multi-million dollar facilitation arrangement which in other jurisdictions is called a bribe? says Labour’s Export Growth and Trade spokesperson David Parker.… ...
    1 day ago
  • National must back our future doctors
    National must support our future doctors and agree to the calls from the Medical Students’ Association and the Young Nats to lift the arbitrary 7 year cap on student loans for medical and dental students, Labour’s Tertiary Education Spokesperson David… ...
    1 day ago
  • Taxpayer the loser after Government folds
    Steven Joyce today admitted the main exhibition hall at the New Zealand International Convention Centre is 19 per cent smaller than what was described at the time other bidders were edged out of the process, Labour’s Economic Development spokesperson David… ...
    1 day ago
  • Govt’s lack of ambition for women
    Yesterday, the Government put out a media release entitled “Number of women leaders continues to grow”. It was to inform us that the percentage of women on state-appointed boards has increased to 41.7%, up from 41.1% in 2013. Well, woo-hoo… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    1 day ago
  • Auditor-General exposes Key’s scapegoating of Council
    The National Government's blaming of Auckland Council for the city’s housing crisis has been exposed as scapegoating in the Office of the Auditor-General’s latest report, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “The Auditor-General says Auckland Council’s part in fixing the… ...
    1 day ago
  • Reform – not money – needed for meat sector
    The National Government continues to throw good money after bad at the meat industry instead of addressing the fundamental problem of its dysfunctional structure, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “The latest Primary Growth Partnership grant to the venison… ...
    1 day ago
  • Government cuts corners on school bus funding
    The safety of children – not cost cutting – should be the main objective behind the Government’s funding of school buses, Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. “Buried in the detail of this year’s Budget are $19 million of funding… ...
    1 day ago
  • Women the losers under National’s cuts
    National’s poor performance in appointing women to state sector boards is set to get worse with funding cuts to the nomination service provided by the Ministry for Women, Labour’s Woman’s Affairs spokesperson Sue Moroney says. “Minister for Women Louise Upston… ...
    1 day ago
  • Help sought by agencies now asked to help
    The organisation Social Development Minister Anne Tolley has tasked with setting up an emergency hotline for stranded Relationships Aotearoa clients has just lost a bid for a government contract to launch a new national helpline, Labour’s Acting Social Development spokesperson… ...
    1 day ago
  • Wellington got loud again on climate
    On Monday night, in Wellington, I attended the last of the Government’s climate target consultation meetings. It was quite well attended with maybe 150 people, not bad for a second meeting with very little notice and, as far as I… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    1 day ago
  • Final nail in coffin for Solid Energy workers
    Today’s confirmation of job losses at Solid Energy’s Stockton and Spring Creek mines shows the urgent need for new economic opportunities on the West Coast, Labour’s MP for West Coast-Tasman Damien O’Connor says. “Our economy can no longer rely on… ...
    2 days ago
  • Ramadi proves Iraq deployment high risk, low benefit
    The fall of Ramadi and the collapse of the Iraqi Army proves Labour was right to be concerned about the deployment of our troops to Iraq, Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff says. “The fall of Ramadi brings IS fighters within… ...
    2 days ago
  • English admits new taxes on the cards
    Eight months after pledging “no new taxes” at the election Bill English today admitted he would bring in more sneaky taxes along the lines of the border tax, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Not only did National bring in… ...
    2 days ago
  • What the Dickens is going on at SDHB?
    Problems at the financially-strapped Southern District Health Board appear to stretch to its HR department with information obtained by Labour showing it still records staff leave entitlements using manual book-keeping methods. “The Board’s draft 10-year plan document forecasts a cumulative… ...
    2 days ago
  • Teachers turn backs on new professional body
      The fact that just 56 per cent of nominations for the Education Council came from registered teachers shows the profession has turned its back on Hekia Parata’s new professional body, Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. “Answers to written… ...
    2 days ago
  • No spade work done on big building plan
      Only a quarter of the 500 hectares of Crown land the Government wants to use for new homes is understood to be suitable for building on, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “This was National’s bold new idea to… ...
    2 days ago
  • National: Seven KiwiSaver cuts in seven years
    National’s campaign of KiwiSaver cuts has reached seven in seven years as it dismantles KiwiSaver block by block, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “KiwiSaver is critical to establishing a savings culture in New Zealand but National has taken a jenga-style… ...
    2 days ago
  • Tolley’s actions contradict reassurances
    Social Development Minister Anne Tolley has serious questions to answer following the forced closure of Relationships Aotearoa just days after her reassurances she was looking at ways to keep the service operating, Labour’s Acting Social Development spokesperson Annette King says.… ...
    2 days ago
  • SkyCity downsize another broken promise
    The downsized SkyCity Convention Centre does not deliver on the promised iconic world-class centre and shows the true extent of Steven Joyce’s incompetence, Labour Leader Andrew Little said today. “New Zealanders were promised an iconic world-class convention centre that would… ...
    2 days ago
  • Te Arawa partnership model a step closer
    Councils around New Zealand have an opportunity to improve their consultation with Iwi Māori by following Rotorua District Council’s Te Arawa Partnership Model, Labour’s Māori Development spokesperson Nanaia Mahuta says. “The Rotorua District Council will today decide whether to adopt… ...
    2 days ago
  • Labour mourns Dame Dorothy Fraser
    Labour Leader Andrew Little said the party is today mourning the loss of the youngest person to join the Labour Party, Dame Dorothy Fraser, who went on to be a stalwart of the Dunedin community and tireless worker for others.… ...
    3 days ago
  • The ultimate scapegoat: PM blames fruit fly for new tax
    The Prime Minister has found the ultimate scapegoat for breaking his promise not to introduce a new tax – the Queensland fruit fly, Labour’s Biosecurity spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “John Key’s first policy upon taking office and assigning himself the… ...
    3 days ago
  • How many victims missing out on protection?
    Hundreds of domestic abuse victims could be missing out on getting protection orders because they are unable to get legal aid, Labour’s Justice spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says.“In the last two years some 351 people who applied for legal aid for… ...
    5 days ago
  • Government kicks hardworking whanau
    A major incentive to help young Kiwis and people on low incomes to start saving has been kicked out from under them with the National-led Government ramming through short-sighted legislation under Urgency today, Labour’s Maori Development Spokesperson Nanaia Mahuta says.… ...
    5 days ago
  • Speculator tax political stunt gone wrong
    Bill English’s admission he doesn’t know whether National’s new speculator tax will have any effect shows last weekend’s announcement by the Prime Minister was a desperate political stunt, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “This Government is so desperate to… ...
    5 days ago
  • The value of parenting
    This week, as part of the Budget, the government introduced a bill to address child poverty. This bill will require parents receiving income support to look for part-time work once their youngest child is three years of age rather than… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    5 days ago
  • Another new tax, another broken promise
    National has unveiled yet another new tax in this budget – a rural broadband levy that will almost certainly result in an immediate price hike for internet and telephone connections across New Zealand, Labour’s ICT spokesperson Clare Curran said “The… ...
    6 days ago
  • Anniversary of Sri Lankan Tamil Massacre
    This is not going to be a happy story but if the Green Party of Aotearoa doesn’t want to know who else will? May 18th marks the anniversary of what is known as the ‘Mullivaikal massacre’ of Tamils in 2009 at… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    6 days ago
  • Labour MPs join youth to take part in 40 hour famine
    A team of Labour MPs took part in the 2015 World Vision 40 hour famine and we were told by World Vision and the young people, that it was the first time MPs had joined them and how appreciative they… ...
    6 days ago
  • Rodeo: ‘Family entertainment’ or animal abuse?
    Recently  TVNZ ran a story with confronting footage showing rodeo animals being punched, repeatedly shocked with electronic prods and having their tails violently twisted over their backs. It was clear that significant force was being used behind the scenes to make… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    6 days ago
  • Budget puts the squeeze on police
    The Government has cut funding to the New Zealand police force in the latest Budget, says Labour’s Police spokesperson Kelvin Davis. “The reduction is a whopping $15.3 million that could put front line officers at risk. ...
    6 days ago
  • Crucial social services take another hit
    The Government looks set to slash half a million dollars of funding for critical social services, including Women’s Refuge and Barnados, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni “Taking $500,000 from organisations aimed at improving the lives of vulnerable families… ...
    6 days ago
  • Saying it Loud on Climate in Christchurch
    The Government’s Christchurch consultation meeting on New Zealand’s emission targets was inspiring – not for what was in the Ministry for the Environment’s (MFE’s) defeatist video about the obstacles to changing to a low carbon future, but for what the… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    6 days ago
  • Budget silent on small business
    The Government has completely ignored one of the most important sectors of the economy – small and medium-sized enterprises – in Budget 2015, Labour’s Small Business spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says. "A stunning 41 per cent of jobs were created by… ...
    6 days ago
  • Thank you John, it’s been bloody marvellous
    The departure of John Campbell is a blow to current affairs investigative journalism, Labour’s Broadcasting Spokesperson Clare Curran says. “Campbell Live stood out in its field. Its axing comes as local broadcasting in New Zealand remains in a state of… ...
    6 days ago
  • KiwiSaver cut shows no long-term plan
    National’s cutting of the KiwiSaver kickstart is incredibly short-term thinking, typical of a Budget that is woefully short on ideas to generate wealth and opportunity, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “New Zealand’s savings rate is far too low. KiwiSaver… ...
    6 days ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere