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The Standard

Imperator Fish: Let’s shut down the internet

Written By: - Date published: 1:40 pm, May 22nd, 2014 - 18 comments
Categories: humour, internet, Satire, twitter - Tags: , ,

There appears to have been a hiatus in the flood of posts today. Perhaps it is because of the wise words of Imperator Fish pausing the world as they consider his wise words… And those of Speaker Carter (who appears to have a problem with most current culture). We are generously given permission to put repost these words.

I have had a good run at this blogging thing, but it seems that I may be contributing to a growing problem.

The problem is the internet.

Just about every modern-day problem can be blamed on the internet. Hackers, viruses, cyber-bullying, internet fraud, and an overwhelming preponderance of cat pictures. It’s all the internet’s fault.

This internet thing has got out of control, and it’s time to stop. Let me explain how bad the problem has become.

The Law Commission has recently pointed the finger at irresponsible bloggers who will write just about anything to get attention, and it’s now causing problems for our justice system. The recent Law Commission report into our contempt laws (which refers to “Internet blogs” at page 51, in order to distinguish them from that other type of blog) reveals that jurors are going online and using Google to find out all sorts of things about the cases they are involved in. Something must be done to stop this terrible modern innovation.

The behaviour of these irresponsible jurors is inexcusable. Why can’t they be like our judges, who I’m sure never ever use Google to check out the people before them? But even if one of our judges did go online to investigate a party to a case before them, that judge would almost certainly remain completely impartial. You see, our judges are magical beings.

And then there’s social media. It’s turning us all into narcissists and attention-seekers, and what possible good can come out of people communicating with each other and making new connections? With all this tweeting and Facebooking, our every thought, our every movement (including our bowel ones), can be shared online. It’s a terrible thing, and we’re all turning into ego-driven monsters.

Twitter’s causing all sorts of problems for people, especially those in positions of authority. It’s even being used by politicians to question the integrity of our Parliament’s Speaker. It’s all a bit tough on poor old David Carter, who I happen to think is doing a splendid job for his party. He’s possibly the best Speaker National’s ever had.

Twitter regularly gets politicians into trouble, perhaps because it allows voters to see the real side of our elected representatives. Sometimes what we see isn’t particularly pretty, so obviously we need to blame all of Twitter, rather than the tweeter.

Twitter has even been used by people to express opinions that some would rather not be heard, and it has proven to be a powerful tool for activism when properly harnessed. No wonder John Key’s agin’ it.

King CanuteAnd then there’s Google. If you have ever posted anything online, or had someone post something online about you, Google will be able to find it. This vast and powerful search engine never forgets. But imagine if you’re a dodgy doctor, a politician with an unfortunate back-story, or someone who has been caught possessing child abuse images. What if you could make that regrettable past just go away? The European Court of Justice is doing its best to accommodate the wishes of those who would like us to forget all those terrible things they once did, but in attempting to control the behemoth that is Google they are acting more like modern-day Canutes trying to command the tides.

So let’s just make their jobs easier and shut Google down.

People will do stupid things online, because people do incredibly stupid things offline all the time. People can be cruel and hurtful when they engage in online activity, but the internet doesn’t have a monopoly on cruel and hurtful behaviour.

The difference now is that when we are stupid, or cruel, or crazy or racist online, our words remain for all to see. This is obviously a major problem for those among us who are stupid, cruel, crazy or racist, because people can use the same medium to challenge or denounce, or simply share, our offensive or oafish behaviour. Before the internet I could be as racist as I liked, and only my closest friends would know I was a racist prick. Now if I go online and express an opinion about black people or Asians, I’m likely to end up in a huge fight with people. Which is obviously not fair. I was only saying what I thought everyone else was thinking.

Look, I’m not saying things were always better in the days before the internet, but they were certainly simpler and less challenging. And I bet nobody ever received a spam telegram.

So let’s all call it a day. Let’s just make everything easier for regulators, politicians and health officials. Shut down your Twitter account, delete your Facebook profile, and walk away from your blogsite. Ring your internet provider right now and tell them you’ve had enough. You need your life back. You want to go back to the way things used to be. Do you remember that golden age of humanity when we trusted everything our leaders told us, and didn’t use Google and Wikipedia to fact-check what they were saying? Do you remember how if you wanted to listen to some new band, you had to go down to the record shop or borrow your mate’s CD? Remember how hard it used to be to buy stuff from overseas?

When regulators and officials worry about the internet and propose ways of banning it, or controlling it, or punishing people for using it, what they’re really trying to do is control the information people can access. And for good reason. Information is power, so why should they let those stupid peasants have any? Why let people think for themselves?

So let’s put a stop to the internet right now. But I might just wait for others to start first, before I shut this site down. If that’s okay with you.

18 comments on “Imperator Fish: Let’s shut down the internet”

  1. lprent 1

    Of course Imperator Fish does rather destroy his case with his next post, as he agonises over the question of allowing people to comment on his posts.

    But then he throws caution to the winds as he says:-

    The problem with posing such questions here is… well, I have disabled comments. How are people meant to give me feedback on this very issue? I suppose you could send me an email, but most people won’t bother.

    So I will enable comments – just this once – in order for readers to tell me what they think.

    You have to laugh at Tom Semmens response.

    Comments! I’d keep them off. Just look how much norightturn upsets the righties. And then there is the ever present danger of Pete George showing up.

    At the risk of having a unread tirade of hurt feelings heading in my direction, I feel forced to utter a mischievous “Indeed”…

    • Tracey 1.1

      does judith know this could impact the cretacean?

      • lprent 1.1.1

        You mean he might have to learn how to hold down a real job?

        I dare say it would be a shock to the system. However after he deals with some of the Paula indoctrination at WINZ for a while, I’m sure that he will overcome his fear of change.

        Of course there is the issue of finding anyone willing to pay him for his limited range of skills.

        • Tracey 1.1.1.1

          well any recommendations from the law commission will go through the minister of Justice 😉

    • weka 1.2

      Tracey pointed to PG on Public Address the other day, and it was such a classic, top of his game comment from dear old Petey, erudite nonsense. I think his ban from ts has clarified his thinking and approach :-)

    • veutoviper 1.3

      LOL. Indeed, indeed.

      And Russell Brown and his readers/commenters on his latest post aat Public Address are feeling the PG phenomena at present.

      Snap – Weka’s comment.

  2. Philj 2

    xox

    RIP PG.

    You have gone but are not forgotten, or forgiven.

    • lprent 2.1

      Don’t forget that he only got a time ban… He’ll be back..

      Maybe shutting down the internet?

      • greywarbler 2.1.1

        What about an RWNJ tag team. Say only ? 2 or 4 enabled in the standard at one time with a change every month. It seems unfair not to let some swim in the deep end to get the experience because others are always in the pool. Limiting numbers would enable The Standard to prevent flooding from too many not restraining themselves.

  3. Philj 3

    xox
    oh no, I didn’t know! The Gossman has carried on the baton. How many RSNJ’ s can this site handle?

    • Tracey 3.1

      if you go to the site where gosman blogs you see a clear patern and ideology.

  4. weka 4

    “But even if one of our judges did go online to investigate a party to a case before them, that judge would almost certainly remain completely impartial. You see, our judges are magical beings.”

    So where exactly do judges learn to be impartial? I assume it’s not at law school.

  5. Chooky 5

    love the picture of the kitty with its paw in its mouth!

  6. Chooky 6

    ….the internet is really really important for grassroots democracy and letting the plebs have a say

    …..anyone who wants to close down the internet or restrict internet freedom for civil discourse, discussion , knowledge , dialectic …is trying to undermine democracy and civil liberties

    • Populuxe1 6.1

      How about kiddieporn, bullying and hate speech?

      • Chooky 6.1.1

        i was talking about closing down the internet or restricting internet freedom for “civil discourse, discussion , knowledge , dialectic …is trying to undermine democracy and civil liberties”

        you are the one who is talking about “kiddieporn, bullying and hate speech”…. and you are using the internet

        • Populuxe1 6.1.1.1

          Just pointing out the other side of the net – I can’t stand black and white thinking

          • Chooky 6.1.1.1.1

            @Pop…you prefer shades of grey?…naughty , naughty …who would have thought at your age!?

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    4 days ago
  • An economy that is just working for some is an economy that is not working
    The National Party presents itself as a great manager of the economy, but if the economy is only working for some we really need to question that assertion. Alongside the perpetually elusive surplus, the levels of risk in our economy are… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    4 days ago
  • An economy that is just working for some is an economy that is not working
    The National Party presents itself as a great manager of the economy, but if the economy is only working for some we really need to question that assertion. Alongside the perpetually elusive surplus, the levels of risk in our economy are… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    4 days ago
  • House prices to a crack $1 million in 17 months
    The average Auckland home is on track to cost $1 million in 17 months’ time if nothing substantial is done to rein in soaring price rises, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Auckland’s house prices have skyrocketed 63 per cent… ...
    5 days ago
  • Vital support services can’t be left in lurch
    The National Government has big questions to answer about how a provider of services to thousands of vulnerable New Zealanders is set to fold, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. Relationships Aotearoa which provides support and counselling to families, individuals… ...
    5 days ago
  • Treasury and IRD on a capital gains tax
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    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    5 days ago
  • Charity legislation needs review
    It is unacceptable that the big corporate based charities claim  millions in annual income tax exemptions, while small community based and operated non-profit organisations  struggle to gain official charity status, Labour’s acting spokesperson for the Voluntary and Community Sector Louisa… ...
    5 days ago
  • John’s panic-Key response to housing crisis
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    6 days ago
  • Keep our Assets Christchurch Campaign: An update
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    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    6 days ago
  • John Key finally admits there’s a housing crisis
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    6 days ago
  • Government stifles voices in CYFs review
    The Government’s exclusion of the Māori Women’s Welfare League in a panel on the future of CYFs is a cynical ploy to stifle views, says Labour’s Māori Development Spokesperson Nanaia Mahuta. “It's unbelievable that a significant review on the future… ...
    1 week ago
  • Speech to the Otago Chamber of Commerce
    Thank you very much for the opportunity to be here today. It’s a pleasure as always to be back in the town that raised me. Growing up in St Kilda meant that there was one thing that was a big… ...
    1 week ago
  • Key can’t just be Prime Minister for Parnell
    John Key must show New Zealanders in next week’s Budget that he is more than the Prime Minister for Parnell, and is also the Prime Minister for Pine Hill, Putararu and Palmerston North, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. In… ...
    1 week ago
  • Stop the conversions
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    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    1 week ago
  • More regional jobs go in Corrections reshape
    News that 194 Corrections staff are to lose their jobs will have ramifications not only for them and their families but for the wider community, Labour’s Corrections spokesperson Kelvin Davis says. Prison units at Waikeria, Tongariro and Rimutaka face closure… ...
    1 week ago
  • Government’s climate meetings off to a bumpy start
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    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    1 week ago
  • Taxpayers the only ones left feeling blue
    Ministry of Social Development bosses could have saved themselves thousands of dollars in consultants’ fees by providing staff with rose-tinted spectacles, Labour’s State Services spokesperson Kris Faafoi says. A report out today reveals the Ministry is spending over half a… ...
    1 week ago
  • Why are the regions still facing restrictions?
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    1 week ago
  • The high costs of weak environmental regulation
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    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    1 week ago
  • Submissions to Wellington City Council on their Gambling Venues Policy
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    GreensBy Denise Roche MP
    1 week ago
  • Reserve Bank action shows Govt out of touch and out of ideas
    The Reserve Bank’s unprecedented measures today show it understands the serious risks of the overheating housing market – in complete contrast to John Key’s refusal to acknowledge the crisis, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “The Bank is right to… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Send us your snaps: 25 Years of the Green Party
    This year we've hit a milestone. We're turning 25.To help celebrate a quarter of a century, please send us your photos from the last 25 years of the Green Party Aotearoa New Zealand! Note: Photos must be jpg, gif or… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • 25 Years of the Green Party
    This year the Green Party sends 25. To help us celebrate a quarter of a century please send us you photos of 25 years of the Green Party!Photos must be jpg,gif or png and smaller than 2MB. If you are… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Bay growth plan too little too late
    Today’s Bay of Plenty growth study from MBIE is another example of Government spin - lots of talk but little action, says Labour’s Regional Development spokesperson David Cunliffe.  “This is a region that desperately needs to develop the downstream processing… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government bows to ACC pressure
     The Government has finally buckled to pressure from Labour and the New Zealand public in making a half billion dollar cut to ACC levies, but the full benefits are two years away,” says Opposition Leader Andrew Little.  “$500 million over… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • False figures cloud Auckland transport facts
    The Prime Minister should apologise and issue a correction after both he and Transport Minister Simon Bridges have been caught out misrepresenting facts on Auckland’s transport spending, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. "Both John Key and Simon Bridges have… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Govt books confirm National can’t post surplus
    The last publication of the Government’s books before the budget shows National will break its promise of seven years and two election campaigns and fail to get the books in order, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The Government is… ...
    2 weeks ago

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