Imperator Fish: My statement to the New Zealand Herald
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- Date published:
2:35 pm, June 26th, 2014 - 14 comments
Categories: humour, Satire -
Tags: Donghua Liu, jared savage, nz herald
Dear Jared Savage
I don’t know if you read the blogs. You should, because they’re dead good. Especially Kiwiblog and Whaleoil. Anyway, I’ve got another scoop for you.
Please let me know when you plan to publish.
MY STATEMENT TO THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD
- My name is Scott Yorke. I am a respected lawyer, entertainer, philanthropist, educator, musician, humanitarian, philosopher, and pastry chef.
- I am the holder of numerous awards, including a primary school certificate of merit for excellence in spelling, and a first prize in a rugby club chook raffle about seven years ago.
- I am of good character, having not been convicted of an offence punishable by imprisonment for almost three months.
- On either 3 June 2007 or 16 May 1994, I was approached by a prominent member of the Labour Party, who asked if I would be prepared to donate money to the party. I agreed, but on the sole condition that I would be allowed to nominate at least three cabinet members in the next Labour government. Terms were agreed, and I then wrote a cheque out to the party for a hundred million billion trillion dollars.
- I did not get a receipt.
- Following this donation I attended a number of Labour Party functions, all of which resulted in further donations of cash from me.
- At one function I was offered and accepted a private lapdance as thanks for my efforts. I remember this clearly, because I was forced to flee the function after Trevor Mallard turned up dressed in nothing but a g-string.
- At another function I was flown by helicopter to Auckland International Airport and put on a private jet filled with Labour Party MPs. We flew to Nairobi, and then engaged in a twelve day African safari. On day seven of the safari we travelled by hot air balloon. Unfortunately, the presence of so many MPs in the basket resulted in the balloon being over-inflated with hot air. As a result, we were unable to descend until a number of those MPs agreed to jump from the basket to their deaths.
- During the safari I managed to shoot three white rhinos, an elephant, twelve lions, and a sheep. We had some difficulties getting the rhino horns back to New Zealand, but Helen Clark, who was on the trip, agreed to smuggle them in her personal luggage.
- When I returned to New Zealand I was immediately arrested by the police for my role in various atrocities during the Balkan conflicts of the 1990s. Once at the police station I called one of my friends in the Labour Party and asked for help. The police put me in a holding cell while they decided what to do, but two hours after my phone call the station was stormed by a team of crack commandos, who killed everyone but me. I was blindfolded, taken from the station, and driven to the coast. There they put me on a small boat and rowed me to another vessel. All this time I was blindfolded.
- I spent three days in that vessel, all the time blindfolded but otherwise treated well. My captors would not tell me what was going on or who they were, but it was clear to me that my friends in Labour had arranged this. I was subsequently dropped on a deserted beach on the west coast of the South Island with nothing but the clothes I was wearing, and a backpack containing a unicycle, a clothes peg, and a copy of Dan Brown’s forgotten masterpiece Deception Point. The trip back to Auckland was a slow one, as it took me some weeks to learn how to ride the unicycle, but I was able to sustain myself by eating small portions of the clothes peg.
- I had no further trouble with the police after I got home, although I continue to this day to receive unwelcome correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia.
- I would like to know what happened to all the money I gave to Labour. Where did it go? I’m pretty sure they could have bought a nice boat with the money I gave them, or maybe some bonus bonds. But the party is forever crying poor. I do not understand what happened to the hundred million billion trillion dollars I gave them.
- I rang my friend in Labour last week and asked what had happened to the money. “This isn’t the Labour Party HQ,” he said. “This is Jiffy Drycleaning. I think you have the wrong number.” It’s pretty clear what’s happening now. They’re pretending I don’t exist. They don’t even want to know me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, after we shared all those wonderful times together.
- I now read with concern that the same thing happened to Donghua Liu. He also gave money to the Labour Party, but they also claim to have no record of the man. I’m not sure if his experiences of the Labour Party involved hot air balloons, hunting animals to extinction, or the Hutt South MP in a g-string, but it sounds like Mr Liu and I have a lot in common.
- I would like answers from the Labour Party to a number of questions. They include:
- Why is there no record of my donation to the party?
- Why is the Labour Party operating from a drycleaning business?
- What happened to my rhino horns? Did Helen Clark take them with her when she took that UN job?
- Why was I given a Dan Brown book? What does it mean?
- Where did I put my slippers?
- I am prepared to swear an affidavit as to the matters set out in this statement, provided that it is sworn under the law of a country that does not have an extradition treaty with New Zealand.
Update
It appears that my above statement contained a few minor errors. I wish to make a few points of clarification:
- It may or may not have been the Labour Party that I donated to. I recall the word “party” being used on a number of occasions, although on reflection this may have been “patty”. Indeed, my bank statements show that on 3 June 2007 I paid $6.99 to the Mad Butcher for a kilogram of beef patties, although I would have assumed at the time that the Mad Butcher would pass that payment on to Labour. I would like to understand better the nature of the relationship between the Mad Butcher and the Labour Party.
- I have now checked my passport, and I now accept that I never flew to Nairobi, and that I did not go on an African safari. But I did fly to Wellington in 2007 on business. It should not be too hard for the Labour Party to locate records of a rhino hunt that took place in Wellington in 2007.
- I cannot now be certain of receiving a lapdance from a Labour Party MP. I may be getting Trevor Mallard and former ACT MP David Garrett mixed up.
- I did commit a number of atrocities in the former Yugoslavia, but no-one has ever fingered me for them. I have also never received any correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia. I can now confirm that the correspondences in question were from Inland Revenue.
- I was not broken out of prison by a team of crack commandos. My statement was meant to read at paragraph 10: “I attended the Ellerslie Flower Show after returning from Wellington, and was impressed by the extraordinarily high quality of many of the displays.” This was a simple transcription error.
In all other respects my original statement is true and correct in all respects.
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- Release: Labour supports urgent changes to emergency management systemLabour welcomes the release of the report into the North Island weather events and looks forward to working with the Government to ensure that New Zealand is as prepared as it can be for the next natural disaster. ...1 day ago
- Release: Labour calls for New Zealand to recognise PalestineThe Labour Party has called for the New Zealand Government to recognise Palestine, as a material step towards progressing the two-State solution needed to achieve a lasting peace in the region. ...2 days ago
- Release: Three strikes law political posturing of worst kindThe Government is bringing back a law that has little evidential backing just to look tough, Labour justice spokesperson Duncan Webb said. ...2 days ago
- Release: Government cuts unbelievably target child exploitation, violent extremism, ports and airpor...Some of our country’s most important work, stopping the sexual exploitation of children and violent extremism could go along with staff on the frontline at ports and airports. ...2 days ago
- Three strikes has failed before and will fail againResurrecting the archaic three-strikes legislation is an unwelcome return to a failed American-style approach to justice. ...2 days ago
- Release: Environmental protection vital, not ‘onerous’The Government’s Fast Track Approvals Bill will give projects such as new coal mines a ‘get out of jail free’ card to wreak havoc on the environment, Labour Leader Chris Hipkins said today. ...2 days ago
- Release: Govt cuts doctors and nurses in hiring freezeCuts to frontline hospital staff are not only a broken election promise, it shows the reckless tax cuts have well and truly hit the frontline of the health system, says Labour Health spokesperson Ayesha Verrall. ...5 days ago
- Fast-track submissions period must be extendedThe Green Party has joined the call for public submissions on the fast-track legislation to be extended after the Ombudsman forced the Government to release the list of organisations invited to apply just hours before submissions close. ...5 days ago
- Release: Progress on climate will be undone by GovtNew Zealand’s good work at reducing climate emissions for three years in a row will be undone by the National government’s lack of ambition and scrapping programmes that were making a difference, Labour Party climate spokesperson Megan Woods said today. ...5 days ago
- Release: Dark day for Kiwi kids as a third of Govt cuts affect themNews that 1000 jobs at the Ministry of Education and Oranga Tamariki could go is devastating for future generations of New Zealanders. ...1 week ago
- Release: Alarm as Government signals further blow to school lunchesMore essential jobs could be on the chopping block, this time Ministry of Education staff on the school lunches team are set to find out whether they're in line to lose their jobs. ...1 week ago
- Release: Quick, submit – stop Govt’s dodgy approvals billThe Government is trying to bring in a law that will allow Ministers to cut corners and kill off native species, Labour environment spokesperson Rachel Brooking said. ...1 week ago
- Government throws coal on the climate crisis fireThe Government’s policy announced today to ease consenting for coal mining will have a lasting impact across generations. ...1 week ago
- Release: Public transport costs to double as National looks at unaffordable roading project insteadCancelling urgently needed new Cook Strait ferries and hiking the cost of public transport for many Kiwis so that National can announce the prospect of another tunnel for Wellington is not making good choices, Labour Transport Spokesperson Tangi Utikere said. ...1 week ago
- Release: Cost of living in Auckland still not a priorityA laundry list of additional costs for Tāmaki Makarau Auckland shows the Minister for the city is not delivering for the people who live there, says Labour Auckland Issues spokesperson Shanan Halbert. ...1 week ago
- Greens look to fast-track submissions on harmful lawThe Green Party has today launched a step-by-step guide to help New Zealanders make their voice heard on the Government’s democracy dodging and anti-environment fast track legislation. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Govt should stop making people’s lives harder and build more homesThe National Government’s proposed changes to the Residential Tenancies Act will mean tenants can be turfed from their homes by landlords with little notice, Labour housing spokesperson Kieran McAnulty said. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Melissa Lee missing in action on mediaThe action Melissa Lee promised to protect democracy and the media sector is missing, Media and Communications spokesperson Willie Jackson said. ...2 weeks ago
- Landlord Government leaves little hope for rentersThe Government’s announcement on tenancy rules prove that it does not care about renters. ...2 weeks ago
- Opportunity to build a more sustainable economyGreen Party co-leader Marama Davidson is calling on all parties to support a common-sense change that’s great for the planet and great for consumers after her member’s bill was drawn from the ballot today. ...2 weeks ago
- Significant step forward in fixing cruel and unjust pastA significant milestone has been reached in the fight to strike an anti-Pasifika and unfair law from the country’s books after Teanau Tuiono’s members’ bill passed its first reading. ...2 weeks ago
- Missed opportunity but NZ will surely one day recognise the right to a sustainable environmentNew Zealand has today missed the opportunity to uphold the right to a clean, healthy, and sustainable environment, says James Shaw after his member’s bill was voted down in its first reading. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Don’t cut our lunches – clear message sent to GovernmentTens of thousands of people are demanding the Government commits to fully funding free and healthy school lunches. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Govt makes U-turn on Suicide Prevention OfficeLabour welcomes the Government’s U-turn on the closure of the Suicide Prevention Office, says Labour Mental Health spokesperson Ingrid Leary. ...2 weeks ago
- CCC issues warning over further climate delayToday’s advice from the Climate Change Commission paints a sobering reality of the challenge we face in combating climate change, especially in light of recent Government policy announcements. ...2 weeks ago
- Luxon targets lame and lousy example of leadershipIf talk is cheap, Chris Luxon’s “targets” are bankrupt. ...2 weeks ago
- Luxon targets are lousy example of leadershipIf talk is cheap, Chris Luxon’s “targets” are bankrupt. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Commitment to disability communities missing from Govt prioritiesMinister for Disability Issues Penny Simmonds appears to have delayed a report back to Cabinet on the progress New Zealand is making against international obligations for disabled New Zealanders. ...2 weeks ago
- Methane target review is dangerous duplicationThe Government’s newly announced review of methane emissions reduction targets hints at its desire to delay Aotearoa New Zealand’s urgent transition to a climate safe future, the Green Party said. ...3 weeks ago
- Release: Government must commit to school building project for disabled studentsThe Government must commit to the Maitai School building project for students with high and complex needs, to ensure disabled students from the top of the South Island have somewhere to learn. ...3 weeks ago
- Release: National must take mental health seriouslyMental Health Minister Matt Doocey and his Government colleagues have made a meal of their mental health commitments, showing how flimsy their efforts to champion the issue truly are, says Labour Mental Health spokesperson Ingrid Leary. ...3 weeks ago
- PM announces changes to portfolios
Paul Goldsmith will take on responsibility for the Media and Communications portfolio, while Louise Upston will pick up the Disability Issues portfolio, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon announced today. “Our Government is relentlessly focused on getting New Zealand back on track. As issues change in prominence, I plan to adjust Ministerial ...10 hours ago - New catch limits for unique fishery areasRecreational catch limits will be reduced in areas of Fiordland and the Chatham Islands to help keep those fisheries healthy and sustainable, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones says. The lower recreational daily catch limits for a range of finfish and shellfish species caught in the Fiordland Marine Area and ...13 hours ago
- Minister welcomes hydrogen milestoneEnergy Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed an important milestone in New Zealand’s hydrogen future, with the opening of the country’s first network of hydrogen refuelling stations in Wiri. “I want to congratulate the team at Hiringa Energy and its partners K one W one (K1W1), Mitsui & Co New Zealand ...1 day ago
- Urgent changes to system through first RMA Amendment BillThe coalition Government is delivering on its commitment to improve resource management laws and give greater certainty to consent applicants, with a Bill to amend the Resource Management Act (RMA) expected to be introduced to Parliament next month. RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop has today outlined the first RMA Amendment ...1 day ago
- Overseas decommissioning models consideredOverseas models for regulating the oil and gas sector, including their decommissioning regimes, are being carefully scrutinised as a potential template for New Zealand’s own sector, Resources Minister Shane Jones says. The Coalition Government is focused on rebuilding investor confidence in New Zealand’s energy sector as it looks to strengthen ...2 days ago
- Release of North Island Severe Weather Event InquiryEmergency Management and Recovery Minister Mark Mitchell has today released the Report of the Government Inquiry into the response to the North Island Severe Weather Events. “The report shows that New Zealand’s emergency management system is not fit-for-purpose and there are some significant gaps we need to address,” Mr Mitchell ...2 days ago
- Justice Minister to attend Human Rights CouncilJustice Minister Paul Goldsmith is today travelling to Europe where he’ll update the United Nations Human Rights Council on the Government’s work to restore law and order. “Attending the Universal Periodic Review in Geneva provides us with an opportunity to present New Zealand’s human rights progress, priorities, and challenges, while ...2 days ago
- Patterson reopens world’s largest wool scouring facilityAssociate Agriculture Minister, Mark Patterson, formally reopened the world’s largest wool processing facility today in Awatoto, Napier, following a $50 million rebuild and refurbishment project. “The reopening of this facility will significantly lift the economic opportunities available to New Zealand’s wool sector, which already accounts for 20 per cent of ...2 days ago
- Speech to the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective Summit, 18 April 2024Hon Andrew Bayly, Minister for Small Business and Manufacturing At the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective (SOREC) Summit, 18 April, Dunedin Ngā mihi nui, Ko Andrew Bayly aho, Ko Whanganui aho Good Afternoon and thank you for inviting me to open your summit today. I am delighted ...2 days ago
- Government to introduce revised Three Strikes lawThe Government is delivering on its commitment to bring back the Three Strikes legislation, Associate Justice Minister Nicole McKee announced today. “Our Government is committed to restoring law and order and enforcing appropriate consequences on criminals. We are making it clear that repeat serious violent or sexual offending is not ...2 days ago
- New diplomatic appointmentsForeign Minister Winston Peters has today announced four new diplomatic appointments for New Zealand’s overseas missions. “Our diplomats have a vital role in maintaining and protecting New Zealand’s interests around the world,” Mr Peters says. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of these senior diplomats from the ...2 days ago
- Humanitarian support for Ethiopia and SomaliaNew Zealand is contributing NZ$7 million to support communities affected by severe food insecurity and other urgent humanitarian needs in Ethiopia and Somalia, Foreign Minister Rt Hon Winston Peters announced today. “Over 21 million people are in need of humanitarian assistance across Ethiopia, with a further 6.9 million people ...2 days ago
- Arts Minister congratulates Mataaho CollectiveMinister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Paul Goldsmith is congratulating Mataaho Collective for winning the Golden Lion for best participant in the main exhibition at the Venice Biennale. "Congratulations to the Mataaho Collective for winning one of the world's most prestigious art prizes at the Venice Biennale. “It is good ...3 days ago
- Supporting better financial outcomes for KiwisThe Government is reforming financial services to improve access to home loans and other lending, and strengthen customer protections, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly and Housing Minister Chris Bishop announced today. “Our coalition Government is committed to rebuilding the economy and making life simpler by cutting red tape. We are ...4 days ago
- Trade relationship with China remains strong“China remains a strong commercial opportunity for Kiwi exporters as Chinese businesses and consumers continue to value our high-quality safe produce,” Trade and Agriculture Minister Todd McClay says. Mr McClay has returned to New Zealand following visits to Beijing, Harbin and Shanghai where he met ministers, governors and mayors and engaged in trade and agricultural events with the New ...4 days ago
- PM’s South East Asia mission does the businessPrime Minister Christopher Luxon has completed a successful trip to Singapore, Thailand and the Philippines, deepening relationships and capitalising on opportunities. Mr Luxon was accompanied by a business delegation and says the choice of countries represents the priority the New Zealand Government places on South East Asia, and our relationships in ...5 days ago
- $41m to support clean energy in South East AsiaNew Zealand is demonstrating its commitment to reducing global greenhouse emissions, and supporting clean energy transition in South East Asia, through a contribution of NZ$41 million (US$25 million) in climate finance to the Asian Development Bank (ADB)-led Energy Transition Mechanism (ETM). Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Climate Change Minister Simon Watts announced ...5 days ago
- Minister releases Fast-track stakeholder listThe Government is today releasing a list of organisations who received letters about the Fast-track applications process, says RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop. “Recently Ministers and agencies have received a series of OIA requests for a list of organisations to whom I wrote with information on applying to have a ...5 days ago
- Judicial appointments announcedAttorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Wellington Barrister David Jonathan Boldt as a Judge of the High Court, and the Honourable Justice Matthew Palmer as a Judge of the Court of Appeal. Justice Boldt graduated with an LLB from Victoria University of Wellington in 1990, and also holds ...5 days ago
- Education Minister heads to major teaching summit in SingaporeEducation Minister Erica Stanford will lead the New Zealand delegation at the 2024 International Summit on the Teaching Profession (ISTP) held in Singapore. The delegation includes representatives from the Post Primary Teachers’ Association (PPTA) Te Wehengarua and the New Zealand Educational Institute (NZEI) Te Riu Roa. The summit is co-hosted ...5 days ago
- Value of stopbank project proven during cycloneA stopbank upgrade project in Tairawhiti partly funded by the Government has increased flood resilience for around 7000ha of residential and horticultural land so far, Regional Development Minister Shane Jones says. Mr Jones today attended a dawn service in Gisborne to mark the end of the first stage of the ...5 days ago
- Anzac commemorations, Türkiye relationship focus of visitForeign Affairs Minister Winston Peters will represent the Government at Anzac Day commemorations on the Gallipoli Peninsula next week and engage with senior representatives of the Turkish government in Istanbul. “The Gallipoli campaign is a defining event in our history. It will be a privilege to share the occasion ...5 days ago
- Minister to Europe for OECD meeting, Anzac DayScience, Innovation and Technology and Defence Minister Judith Collins will next week attend the OECD Science and Technology Ministerial conference in Paris and Anzac Day commemorations in Belgium. “Science, innovation and technology have a major role to play in rebuilding our economy and achieving better health, environmental and social outcomes ...6 days ago
- Comprehensive Partnership the goal for NZ and the PhilippinesPrime Minister Christopher Luxon held a bilateral meeting today with the President of the Philippines, Ferdinand Marcos Jr. The Prime Minister was accompanied by MP Paulo Garcia, the first Filipino to be elected to a legislature outside the Philippines. During today’s meeting, Prime Minister Luxon and President Marcos Jr discussed opportunities to ...6 days ago
- Government commits $20m to Westport flood protectionThe Government has announced that $20 million in funding will be made available to Westport to fund much needed flood protection around the town. This measure will significantly improve the resilience of the community, says Local Government Minister Simeon Brown. “The Westport community has already been allocated almost $3 million ...6 days ago
- Taupō takes pole positionThe Government is proud to support the first ever Repco Supercars Championship event in Taupō as up to 70,000 motorsport fans attend the Taupō International Motorsport Park this weekend, says Economic Development Minister Melissa Lee. “Anticipation for the ITM Taupō Super400 is huge, with tickets and accommodation selling out weeks ...6 days ago
- Cost of living support for low-income homeownersLocal Government Minister Simeon Brown has announced an increase to the Rates Rebate Scheme, putting money back into the pockets of low-income homeowners. “The coalition Government is committed to bringing down the cost of living for New Zealanders. That includes targeted support for those Kiwis who are doing things tough, such ...6 days ago
- Government backing mussel spat projectThe Coalition Government is investing in a project to boost survival rates of New Zealand mussels and grow the industry, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones has announced. “This project seeks to increase the resilience of our mussels and significantly boost the sector’s productivity,” Mr Jones says. “The project - ...6 days ago
- Government focused on getting people into workBenefit figures released today underscore the importance of the Government’s plan to rebuild the economy and have 50,000 fewer people on Jobseeker Support, Social Development and Employment Minister Louise Upston says. “Benefit numbers are still significantly higher than when National was last in government, when there was about 70,000 fewer ...6 days ago
- Clean energy key driver to reducing emissionsThe Government’s commitment to doubling New Zealand’s renewable energy capacity is backed by new data showing that clean energy has helped the country reach its lowest annual gross emissions since 1999, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says. New Zealand’s latest Greenhouse Gas Inventory (1990-2022) published today, shows gross emissions fell ...7 days ago
- Earthquake-prone buildings review brought forwardThe Government is bringing the earthquake-prone building review forward, with work to start immediately, and extending the deadline for remediations by four years, Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk says. “Our Government is focused on rebuilding the economy. A key part of our plan is to cut red tape that ...7 days ago
- Thailand and NZ to agree to Strategic PartnershipPrime Minister Christopher Luxon and his Thai counterpart, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin, have today agreed that New Zealand and the Kingdom of Thailand will upgrade the bilateral relationship to a Strategic Partnership by 2026. “New Zealand and Thailand have a lot to offer each other. We have a strong mutual desire to build ...1 week ago
- Government consults on extending coastal permits for portsRMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop and Transport Minister Simeon Brown have today announced the Coalition Government’s intention to extend port coastal permits for a further 20 years, providing port operators with certainty to continue their operations. “The introduction of the Resource Management Act in 1991 required ports to obtain coastal ...1 week ago
- Inflation coming down, but more work to doToday’s announcement that inflation is down to 4 per cent is encouraging news for Kiwis, but there is more work to be done - underlining the importance of the Government’s plan to get the economy back on track, acting Finance Minister Chris Bishop says. “Inflation is now at 4 per ...1 week ago
- School attendance restored as a priority in health adviceRefreshed health guidance released today will help parents and schools make informed decisions about whether their child needs to be in school, addressing one of the key issues affecting school attendance, says Associate Education Minister David Seymour. In recent years, consistently across all school terms, short-term illness or medical reasons ...1 week ago
- Unnecessary bureaucracy cut in oceans sectorOceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones is streamlining high-level oceans management while maintaining a focus on supporting the sector’s role in the export-led recovery of the economy. “I am working to realise the untapped potential of our fishing and aquaculture sector. To achieve that we need to be smarter with ...1 week ago
- Patterson promoting NZ’s wool sector at International CongressAssociate Agriculture Minister Mark Patterson is speaking at the International Wool Textile Organisation Congress in Adelaide, promoting New Zealand wool, and outlining the coalition Government’s support for the revitalisation the sector. "New Zealand’s wool exports reached $400 million in the year to 30 June 2023, and the coalition Government ...1 week ago
- Removing red tape to help early learners thriveThe Government is making legislative changes to make it easier for new early learning services to be established, and for existing services to operate, Associate Education Minister David Seymour says. The changes involve repealing the network approval provisions that apply when someone wants to establish a new early learning service, ...1 week ago
- RMA changes to cut coal mining consent red tapeChanges to the Resource Management Act will align consenting for coal mining to other forms of mining to reduce barriers that are holding back economic development, Resources Minister Shane Jones says. “The inconsistent treatment of coal mining compared with other extractive activities is burdensome red tape that fails to acknowledge ...1 week ago
- McClay reaffirms strong NZ-China trade relationshipTrade, Agriculture and Forestry Minister Todd McClay has concluded productive discussions with ministerial counterparts in Beijing today, in support of the New Zealand-China trade and economic relationship. “My meeting with Commerce Minister Wang Wentao reaffirmed the complementary nature of the bilateral trade relationship, with our Free Trade Agreement at its ...1 week ago
- High Court overturns Waitangi Tribunal summons to Minister for Children Karen Chhour
The minister was due to give evidence on Friday regarding the government's plans to repeal section 7AA of the Oranga Tamariki Act ...1 hour ago - Sydney University students set up Gaza solidarity camp as war marks 200 days
Asia Pacific Report Students and activist staff at Australia’s University of Sydney (USyd) have set up a Gaza solidarity encampment in support of Palestinians and similar student-led protests in the United States. The camp was pitched as mass graves, crippled hospitals, thousands of civilian deaths and the near-total destruction of ...2 hours ago - Most bees don’t die after stinging – and other surprising bee factsSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By James B. Dorey, Lecturer in Biological Sciences, University of Wollongong Australian teddy bear bees are cute and fluffy, but get a look at that massive (unbarbed) stinger! James Dorey Photography Most of us have been stung by a bee and we ...3 hours ago
- How Anzac deaths changed the way we mourn to this daySource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Jen Roberts, Senior Lecturer, School of Humanities and Social Inquiry, University of Wollongong Aussie~mobs/Flickr Victor Farr, a private in the 1st Infantry Battalion, was among the first to land at Anzac Cove just before dawn on April 25 1915. Victor Farr ...3 hours ago
- Sugar gums have a reputation as risky branch-droppers but they’re important to bees, parrots and p...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Gregory Moore, Senior Research Associate, School of Ecosystem and Forest Sciences, The University of Melbourne Gregory Moore I had the good fortune to care for the sugar gum at The University of Melbourne’s Burnley Gardens in Victoria where I worked for ...3 hours ago
- Inflation is slowly falling, while student debt is climbing: 6 graphs that explain today’s CPISource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By John Hawkins, Senior Lecturer, Canberra School of Politics, Economics and Society, University of Canberra BagzhanSadvakassov/Upsplash, CC BY-SA Australia’s inflation rate has fallen for the fifth successive quarter, and it’s now less than half of what it was back in late 2022. ...3 hours ago
- Our housing system is broken and the poorest Australians are being hardest hitSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Rachel Ong ViforJ, ARC Future Fellow & Professor of Economics, Curtin University Just when we think the price of rentals could not get any worse, this week’s Rental Affordability Snapshot by Anglicare has revealed low-income Australians are facing a housing crisis like ...3 hours ago
- ‘It bucked our lads up wonderfully’: the lightning-quick WWI battle that marked the birth of the...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Meighen McCrae, Associate Professor of Strategic & Defence Studies, Australian National University American and Australian stretcher bearers working together near the front line during the Battle of Hamel in 1918. Australian War Memorial While the AUKUS alliance is new, the Australian-American partnership ...3 hours ago
- Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Tracey Holmes, Professorial Fellow in Sport, University of Canberra When the news broke last weekend that 23 Chinese swimmers had tested positive to a banned drug in early 2021 and were allowed to compete at the Tokyo Olympic Games six months later ...3 hours ago
- First Nations Anzacs sacrificed life and limb for Country. Why aren’t their stories shown onscreen...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Cally Jetta, Senior Lecturer and Academic Lead; College for First Nations, University of Southern Queensland Australian War Memorial Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander readers are advised this article contains names and images of deceased people, as well as sensitive historical information ...3 hours ago
- NZ’s Media Minister Melissa Lee demoted after Newshub crisisRNZ News Melissa Lee has been ousted from New Zealand’s coalition cabinet and stripped of the Media portfolio, and Penny Simmonds has lost the Disability Issues portfolio in a reshuffle. Climate Change and Revenue Minister Simon Watts will take Lee’s spot in cabinet. Simmonds was a minister outside of cabinet. ...3 hours ago
- Our tall, wet forests were not open and park-like when colonists arrived – and we shouldn’t be b...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By David Lindenmayer, Professor, Fenner School of Environment and Society, Australian National University laurello/Shutterstock Some reports and popular books, such as Bill Gammage’s Biggest Estate on Earth, have argued that extensive areas of Australia’s forests were kept open through frequent burning by ...4 hours ago
- Aces in their places: Luxon plays coy over ministers' competenceAnalysis - Christopher Luxon framing the demotion of two ministers as the portfolios getting "too complex" is a charitable way of saying they weren't up to the job. ...4 hours ago
- Politics with Michelle Grattan: Economist Chris Richardson on an ‘ugly’ inflation result and the...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michelle Grattan, Professorial Fellow, University of Canberra With Jim Chalmers’s third budget on May 14, Australians will be looking for some more cost-of-living relief – beyond the tax cuts – although they have been warned extra measures will be modest. As ...4 hours ago
- Melissa Lee’s media Hail Mary comes up short
Analysis: Melissa Lee has lost the media portfolio and her spot in Cabinet after multiple failed attempts to find solutions for a media industry in crisis. On Wednesday, the Prime Minister announced Lee would be losing her spot in Cabinet along with her media and communications ministerial portfolio. The job ...4 hours ago - Northland council continues four-year Māori ward fight in face of government changesA council that played a key role in getting Māori ward polling removed is now lobbying against government plans to reinstate binding referendums. ...4 hours ago
- Education Ministry cuts: Roles providing support for disabled kids among those proposed to be axedLeaked documents show which divisions will bear the brunt of hundreds of proposed job cuts at the Ministry of Education. ...5 hours ago
- Land Information New Zealand proposes 57 job cutsIt is the latest department to announce job cuts as part of the government's cost-cutting measures. ...5 hours ago
- Watch: Government's 'wheels are falling off already', Hipkins says, after ministers d...The Labour leader says the demotion of two ministers today shows the PM "didn't have particularly good judgement". ...6 hours ago
- The stories of Australia’s Muslim Anzacs have long been forgotten. It’s time we honour themSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Simon Wilmot, Senior Lecturer, Film, Deakin University Among the many Australian who served during the second world war, there is a small group of people whose stories remain largely untold. These are the Muslim men and women who, while small in number, ...6 hours ago
- National emergency response facing 26 separate inquiries: What have we learnedThe country's emergency response is besieged by inquiries, despite years of reviews and efforts to make laws that deliver. ...6 hours ago
- Sexual assault victims give evidence in court, but alleged perpetrators don’t have to. Bruce Lehrm...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Kelly Saunders, PhD Candidate, University of Canberra There has been much analysis and praise of Justice Michael Lee’s recent judgement in Bruce Lehrmann’s defamation case against Channel Ten. Many people were openly relieved to read Lee’s “forensic” and “nuanced” application of law ...7 hours ago
- What’s the difference between ADD and ADHD?Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Kathy Gibbs, Program Director for the Bachelor of Education, Griffith University zEdward_Indy/Shutterstock Around one in 20 people has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It’s one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in childhood and often continues into adulthood. ADHD is diagnosed ...7 hours ago
- Watch: Government's 'wheels are falling off already', Hipkins says, after minsters de...The Labour leader says the demotion of two ministers today shows the PM "didn't have particularly good judgement". ...7 hours ago
- Anti-Poverty Groups Urge New Minister For Disability Issues To Reverse Funding Cuts
The Fairer Future coalition of anti-poverty groups say Whaikaha must be properly funded going forward, and that to argue that poor financial management of the new Ministry is a red herring by the Prime Minister. ...8 hours ago - New Media Minister Must Rule Out State Intervention In Private MediaThe Taxpayers’ Union is today congratulating Hon. Paul Goldsmith on his appointment as Minister for Media and Communications and urges him to rule out state intervention in the private media sector. ...8 hours ago
- OPM leader’s open letter condemns Australia’s ‘treachery’ over PapuaAsia Pacific Report The West Papuan resistance OPM leader has condemned Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and US President Joe Biden, accusing their countries of “six decades of treachery” over Papuan independence. The open letter was released today by OPM chairman Jeffrey P Bomanak on the eve of ANZAC Day ...8 hours ago
- ‘Emily Dickinson made me into a writer’: Lauren Groff on the power of reading
Welcome to The Spinoff Books Confessional, in which we get to know the reading habits and quirks of New Zealanders at large. This week: writer and one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people of 2024, Lauren Groff. The book I wish I’d written If I wish I’d written a ...8 hours ago - Watch live: Chris Hipkins speaks after ministers Melissa Lee, Penny Simmonds lose portfoliosThe Labour leader speaks from Parliament after the prime minister's sudden Cabinet reshuffle. ...8 hours ago
- What kind of diner are you? 6 types of diners who avoid plant-based meat dishesSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By David Fechner, Research Fellow, Social Marketing, Griffith University mavo/Shutterstock Imagine having dinner at a restaurant. The menu offers plant-based meat alternatives made mostly from vegetables, mushrooms, legumes and wheat that mimic meat in taste, texture and smell. Despite being given that ...8 hours ago
- Auckland University Criminologist Slams ‘Racist’ Three Strikes Law“Three Strikes is a dead-end policy proposed by a dead-end government. The Three Strikes law ignores the causes of crime, instead just brutalising people already crushed by the cost of living.” ...9 hours ago
- Australia-born judge facing potential deportation from KiribatiBy Don Wiseman, RNZ Pacific senior journalist An Australian-born judge in Kiribati could well face deportation later this week after a tribunal ruling that he should be removed from his post. The tribunal’s report has just been tabled in the Kiribati Parliament and is due to be debated by MPs ...9 hours ago
- Can Body-Worn Cameras Work In Australia And New Zealand? Lessons From Milestone’s Denmark SurveyWith its clear mandate for police use, political nuances, and nuanced public trust, Denmark's insights provide valuable considerations for Australia and New Zealand. ...9 hours ago
- Media Minister Melissa Lee demoted from Cabinet, Penny Simmonds stripped of portfolioMelissa Lee has been stripped of the Media portfolio, while Penny Simmonds has lost the Disability Issues role. Follow as the PM explains. ...9 hours ago
- Climate change and human rights: how a landmark legal victory in Europe could affect NZSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Vernon Rive, Associate Professor of Law, University of Auckland, Waipapa Taumata Rau Getty Images A seven-year campaign by a group of over 2,000 Swiss women – average age 73 – recently ended with a European Court of Human Rights decision variously ...10 hours ago
- Page-turning rural gothic: Ash by Louise Wallace, reviewedBooks editor Claire Mabey reviews poet Louise Wallace’s debut novel. A famous poet once said to me that he’s always suspicious when a poet publishes a novel. I never really understood why but maybe it’s something to do with cheating on your first form. Louise Wallace is a poet. She’s ...10 hours ago
- Lower catch limits in force for Fiordland, Chatham IslandsNew catch limits in Fiordland mean recreational fishers will only be able to take much smaller bags of finfish and shellfish. ...10 hours ago
- New emergency management legislation delayed after bill pulled by GovernmentThe bill was introduced by the previous government in June last year. ...11 hours ago
- ‘It was my Eras tour’: Meet the world’s biggest TrueBliss fansFor a few months at the turn of the millennium, TrueBliss burned bright as the biggest pop stars in the country. Alex Casey chats to two superfans who still hold the flame. During a humble backyard wedding in Nelson, 1999, one of the cordially invited guests had to excuse themselves ...12 hours ago
- No more Census forms? Stats NZ mulls form of future surveysThe traditional Census form could become a thing of the past, as Stats NZ starts to rely more heavily on administrative data. ...12 hours ago
- The voices that vanish in a decimated newsroom How will the recent wave of job cuts impact ethnic diversity in the media? In November last year, I was working a very busy day in the newsroom of a large online news site, interviewing whānau about their concerns over the imminent closure of one of the few puna reo ...13 hours ago
- Half our colleagues suffer pain and discomfort from periods. But they’re still a taboo subject at ...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Ruth Knight, Researcher, Queensland University of Technology Have you ever felt sick at work? Perhaps you had food poisoning or the flu. Your belly hurt, or you felt tired, making it hard to concentrate and be productive. How likely would you be ...13 hours ago
- 'We're going to be banning gang patches' – Police Minister adamantDespite heavy criticism and an ongoing select committee process, the Police Minister says the Government will forge ahead with a ban on gang patches. ...14 hours ago
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Perfect.
Except for the Mallard g-string imagery, which really should have come with a warning.
plus 1
Hilarious! Enjoyed it thoroughly.
Just wondered why you avoided outing Williamson, Key and the three or more-way secret handshakes.
I nearly wet myself reading this (and no I don’t customarily suffer from incontinence).
Scott Yorke >>>>>>>>>> Ben Wafflehat or Wiffleball or whatever his name is.
Classic, love your post Imperator
In the form of not the Nine O’Clock News and Charlie Brookers Newswipe, well done you.
Maybe you could setup a weekly post on The Standard called Not the Herald.
Actually, how much do TV news presenters and the reporters for our wonderful paper puppet media earn? ($70,000 to $450,000 I heard).
Here is an idea, for the majority NZ commercial meda, as they parrot all the same crap, why not pay kids with ADHD and memory loss to read it out, or maybe a guest reader from the old folks home (you know a grumpy old veteran who has seen it all before). Hell get, listdexics, lexicsdys, I mean dyslexics to write it.
It would be a truck load more entertaining and probably more honest.
I mean seriously, most of the news readers look like they went to the same, “lets place our fingertips together and look like your favorite religious figure pose school”. Kind of Thunderbird figures, where you see the strings attached to their bodies, lips etc…..all melded and coalesced into the one mundane character..chanting the same BS.
Keep up the good work +100 Imperator
It’s interesting that many comments on Kiwiblog (I read it so that you don’t have to) are quite critical of the Herald and DPF. Whaleoil commenters are continuing to be as stupid as usual.
Then I at least thank you for being so selfless on my behalf. Thank you
But it could have been worse, it could have been Wailoil…
A+.
Why did you leave out your contributions to David Cunliffe’s holiday home secret blind trust charity?
Hilarious! If you ever get sick of lawyering, the Herald will be quick to snap you up – you certainly meet their journalism standards.
Hey, a gold lining from the Herald beat up, Comedy gold! The best weapon against the Natz dirty tricks. Power to your pen Mr Fish.
Obviously Professional Journalism Standards no longer exist and journalists/bloggers can write whatever they want without fear of being held to account unless someone has the time and the money to take legal action against the journalist/blogger???
NZ Herald going for best fiction writing of the year award (“inspired by real life events” category)
I hope this was actually emailed to Jared Savage and Tim Murphy.