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ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?

Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 26 comments
Categories: class war, Satire - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

slave1

I’m really no better than a plantation slave

It’s getting harder and harder to be a white man in this world. I feel threatened and challenged everywhere I go. No matter where I turn, no matter what I do, I’m confronted with messages of failure, and accusations that I’m responsible for everything that’s wrong with society. Everything seems to be my fault nowadays, and I seem to get the blame for all the world’s problems, but I don’t see how that’s fair.

I just don’t know how I’ll cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I feel ill-treated and ill-used. I’m a victim of oppression, and my rights have been trampled. But what can I do? Every time I try to speak my mind they shut me down.

This must be just what it was like for all those slaves in the old American south.

It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I was a kid how Dad’s word was law, and God help me if I stepped out of line. We knew back then the difference between right and wrong, but we also knew how to have a laugh, and we never took ourselves too seriously. If you stepped out of line the worse you’d get was a thrashing from your Dad, but you’d probably deserved it, and you didn’t hold it against him.

Things were simpler in those days, and people knew their place in the world and were content with what they had. There was a real sense of community in my neighbourhood back then, but that all changed about thirty years ago. It started when a bunch of new people moved into our suburb, people who looked different to us and didn’t speak English. Pretty soon they started to take the whole place over, filling the schools, buying up all the local shops, and forcing many of us who had lived for years in that neighbourhood to shift elsewhere. My family moved to the inner Auckland suburbs as soon as things started to change, but I know a few folk who stayed on longer, and it was hard for them. Their kids were forced to learn about different cultures in their school, and they almost needed to hire an interpreter just to buy a packet of smokes at the local dairy. I’m not a racist, and I have nothing against other cultures, but I didn’t ask for any of this. My old school friends who were forced daily to confront this modern day multicultural mess didn’t ask for what they were given. They were just told to like it or get out. They were made to feel dirty and unworthy just because they wanted everyone to speak the same language as them, and just because they became hostile and threatening whenever they were confronted with diversity.

Now I think I know what those African slaves went through.

I’m a hardworking guy, and through effort and determination, an enormous inheritance, and a network of contacts made while I was being educated at an expensive private school, I have built up a nice little pool of assets, including rental properties, shares, and other investments. I worked my fingers to the bone to get where I am today, and I took some enormous risks. Things haven’t always been easy for me, either. I’ve had financial troubles, and a few years ago I almost lost one of my holiday homes to the bank. But I always bounced back. I’m not afraid of hard work, when I’m not cruising around the world in my pleasure yacht.

So when I hear people going on about how white men control everything, I feel hurt. I earned every cent of what I own through perfectly legitimate means. My accountant assures me that in structuring my affairs so I pay very little tax I have broken no laws. My various businesses employ hundreds of people, and some of them even earn more than the minimum wage. I keep a number of European car dealers, private schools and stockbrokers in business. I’m a contributing member of society, so it pains me to hear how people like me are the cause of all the world’s ills.

I feel like a second class citizen, and it’s enough to make this gin and tonic I’m drinking beside my huge swimming pool taste sour. What about my rights?

This must be what those poor African people felt like as they travelled to the New World in those slave ships, chained up together in the hold in filthy and deplorable conditions.

And what about freedom of expression? Where’s my freedom? Nowadays you pay a woman a compliment about how nice her rack is, and she tells you you’re a misogynistic prick. Then her boyfriend threatens to punch you in the face. Or you tell one of your workers that she’s fat and needs to go on a diet if she wants to keep her job, and before you know it you’re up before the Employment Court.

It’s getting to the point where I can’t say anything I like whenever I want to. I’m really no better than a plantation slave.

Do you know what really gets me? It’s this crazy idea that every voice has value, and that every opinion is important. And yet when it comes to the test, my opinions aren’t as important as they used to be. Why should I surrender any of my freedoms, just because some people don’t like it when I engage in a bit of friendly banter with the lads? I’m a heterosexual man, and I enjoy the sight of a pretty woman. Why should she object if I tell her that she has nice tits, and that I’d do her in a heartbeat? As a red-blooded man with an appreciation for the finer things in life, I’m paying her the ultimate compliment.

Why should I be afraid to say whatever I think? I’m really no better than a slave working in the field, toiling under a relentless sun while being whipped and abused by a brutal plantation owner.

Isn’t it possible that we white men are right about most things? Maybe other people are simply wrong. Look at all the wonderful things we created while we were in charge of everything: in the fields of science, the arts, and technology. Can it be any coincidence that all of the most interesting and important bits of history involve white men? White men started two world wars. Two world wars! How many big wars were started by feminists?

So don’t tell me I’ve had my turn, and that it’s time to shift over and give someone else a go at being in charge for a while. Why should I? What have you people done to earn that right? You’re trying to take away my power, my privileges, and my right to tell you how to live.

How are you people any different to 18th century American slave owners?

I don’t even know what you problem is. What exactly is your problem? I’m not stopping you from saying or doing what you want, am I? Just don’t mouth those noxious opinions on any of the radio stations I own, and don’t bother writing letters to the editors of any of my newspapers. And if you women want to have a career, then that’s fine. Just don’t interfere with my right to fire you from your job when you decide to have babies, because my right to make money is paramount.

Actually, I do know what your problem is. Your problem is that you’re an oppressor. By telling me that I should respect people who aren’t like me, and that other people should have the same opportunities that were given to me through an accident of birth, you are stifling my right to express myself. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You cannot treat me like this. Don’t you know who I am?

I’m not one of those plantation slaves singing Let My People Go. But now I know just how they felt.

26 comments on “ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?”

  1. amirite 1

    What’s there to say? Apart from that the article is satirical perfection.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    Lament for them
    “He gets to his feet and he [brays]
    What about me? It isn’t fair
    [I don’t have] enough now, and I want my share
    (there’s nothing there
    But the words that make the big people big)”

  3. lprent 3

    An excellent description of the perceptions of our whiners and droners…..

    Even more hilariously is that typically as business people they are simply parasitical in the local economy. They don’t have enough creativity or business nouse to operate in the export world.

    Eventually some of them do wind up going overseas usually to do property investment, to make money off their capital.

    Those poor people never seem to realise exactly how stupid they really are because they don’t have enough imagination to do so. Bob Jones comes to mind.

    • Rogue Trooper 3.1

      reads like a transcript from talk-back radio, or Paul Henry.

    • vto 3.2

      An excellent description of the perceptions of our white men…..

      Even more hilariously is that typically as business people white men are simply parasitical in the local economy. White men don’t have enough creativity or business nouse to operate in the export world.

      Eventually some white men do wind up going overseas usually to do property investment, to make money off their capital.

      Those poor white men never seem to realise exactly how stupid white men really are because white men don’t have enough imagination to do so.

      you can shove it up your arse too mr prent

      • ropata 3.2.1

        I am (mostly) white and I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick mate

        What I took from IF’s article is that if you are privileged, be grateful and not an asshole about it

    • PHIL 3.3

      And who are you working for Iprent or are you a duck quacking all day and its everyone’s fault why don’t you start a business or does that require nous.

      • lprent 3.3.1

        Hey lazy – look it up. It isn’t hard to do.

        I’ve helped start and make profitable quite a few companies over the decades and have the shares stashed away from my startup remuneration. But I like writing code more than far more than the management I trained in.

        So idiot dipshit – what were you moronically mumbling about?

  4. vto 4

    Yep it truly is the 1950’s again, just a few reversed roles is the only difference today. Great aint it. Bigotry, ignorance and stereotyping just goes on and on.

    That aint satire or anything worthy mrs imperator, it is just school girl piss-weak sarcasm.

    Shove it up your arse.

    • Rogue Trooper 4.1

      Time for a Beat around the bush again 😎

    • ropata 4.2

      vto
      Jeez dude stop taking it personally… why so grumpy lately? I have generally liked your comments and stirring of the pot.

      Imperator Fish is taking the piss out of Aaron Gilmore, Bob Jones, Rupert Murdoch, and ANY of the entitled class (brown, yellow, female, left handed, who gives a crap) who espouse the National Party born to rule mentality.

    • QoT 4.3

      Can’t tell if you think you’re being funny misgendering Scott, or if you actually assume anyone who snarks the privilege of white dudes must be a woman.

  5. Colonial Viper 5

    Consider the BRICS* and G20…the balance of power continues to shift irregardless of feminism and the white man is not faring well.

    *They might look white in Russia but they’re Russian first and foremost and definitely not anglo-saxon…

  6. ropata 6

    People to Avoid (in general, but there are worthy exceptions):

    Real Estate Agent
    Property Speculator
    Used Car Salesman
    Political Reporter
    Investment Fund Manager
    Leaky Home Builder
    Politician
    Home Loan Salesman
    Gerry Brownlee*

    (*no exception here – always avoid!!)

  7. Tracey 7

    Thanks for the chuckle.

    and vto and I have something in common. When we read it we both thought of vto. Touch a nerve much?

    Nobody knows the rubles ive seen… as sung by v putin

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    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    6 days ago
  • Extra holiday offers time to reflect
    The Mondayisation of Anzac Day provides New Zealanders with an opportunity to spend more time with their families and their communities, Dunedin North Labour MP David Clark says. “This is the first time legislation I introduced, to have Anzac and… ...
    6 days ago
  • More angst and anguish for red zone locals
    Local residents will be bitterly disappointed by the Government’s cherry picking of the Supreme Court’s decision regarding compensation for red zoned property owners, Labour Canterbury Earthquake Recovery spokesperson and Port Hills MP Ruth Dyson says. “Home owners have taken all… ...
    7 days ago
  • Australia shows why we need a sovereign wealth fund now
    Australia has not managed its great mining boom well, says HSBC’s chief economist for Australia and New Zealand, Paul Bloxham. When times are good, governments need to save for the bad times that will inevitably follow, and this can be… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    7 days ago
  • Pure Water- pure rip off
    New Zealanders’ rights to fresh water must be protected before commercial allocations are given, but the Government is allowing resources to be taken, says Kelvin Davis MP for Te Tai Tokerau.  “The Government needs to resolve the issue of water… ...
    7 days ago
  • Cabinet paper reveals weak case for Iraq deployment
    A heavily redacted copy of a Cabinet paper on New Zealand’s military deployment to Iraq reveals how weak the case is for military involvement in that conflict, says Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff.  The paper warns that given the failure… ...
    7 days ago
  • Malaysia’s booty is Kiwis’ lost homeownership dream
    It’s unsurprising the Auckland property market is so overheated when Malaysians are being told they can live large on Kiwi’s hard-earned rent money, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “A Malaysian property website lists nearly 4000 New Zealand houses and… ...
    7 days ago
  • Ministry’s food safety resources slashed to the bone
    The Ministry for Primary Industries’ failure to monitor toxic and illegal chemicals in red meat is a dereliction of duty, Labour’s Primary Industries and Food Safety spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “MPI compliance officer Gary Orr today admitted National’s much-vaunted super… ...
    7 days ago
  • Ministry must protect organic food industry
    The Ministry for Primary Industries must take urgent action to protect New Zealand’s $150 million organic food and beverage industry by establishing a certification regime, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “Despite working with Organics Aotearoa on the issue… ...
    1 week ago
  • Tony Abbott, indigenous rights, and refugees
    This week, Tony Abbott has visited Aotearoa New Zealand, bringing with him his racist policies against indigenous Australians and his appalling record on refugee detention camps. Abbott has launched a policy “to close” remote aboriginal communities, which is about as… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    1 week ago
  • PM’s housing outburst bizarre
    Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford has described the Prime Minister’s latest comments on the Auckland housing crisis as bizarre. “John Key is deep in denial. He must be one of the only people left who are not concerned about the risk… ...
    1 week ago
  • Deflation: Another economic headache linked to housing crisis
    National’s housing crisis is causing even further damage with the second consecutive quarter of deflation a genuine concern the Reserve Bank can do little about, as it focusses on Auckland house prices, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “This is… ...
    1 week ago
  • Pot calling the kettle black over fossil fuel subsidies.
    Over the weekend alongside nine other countries the New Zealand Government has endorsed a statement that supports eliminating inefficient subsidies on fossil fuels. Fossil fuel subsidies are a big driver of increasing emissions. Good on the Government for working internationally… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    1 week ago
  • At last – a common sense plan for Christchurch
    The Common Sense Plan for Christchurch released by The People’s Choice today is a welcome relief from the shallow debate about rates rises versus asset sales, Labour’s Christchurch MPs say. "Local residents – who have spent weeks trawling through the… ...
    1 week ago
  • National must lead by example on climate change
    The National Government must meet its own climate change obligations before it preaches to the rest of the world, Labour's Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods says. "Calls today by Climate Change Minister Tim Groser for an end to fossil fuel… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Biosecurity rethink a long time
    The Government has opened New Zealand’s borders to biosecurity risks and its rethinking of bag screening at airports is an admission of failure, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. Nathan Guy today announced a review of biosecurity systems in… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Chinese rail workers must be paid minimum wage
    KiwiRail must immediately stop further Chinese engineers from working here until they can guarantee they are being paid the New Zealand minimum wage, Labour’s MP for Hutt South Trevor Mallard says. The Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment today released… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Better consultation needed on Christchurch asset sales
    The Christchurch City Council (CCC) should be promoting wide and genuine public consultation on its draft ten year budget and plan given the serious implications for the city’s future of its proposed asset sales, outlined in the plan. Instead, it… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    2 weeks ago
  • ‘Healthy Families’ a good start but not enough to tackle obesity relate...
    Today the Government is making a the meal out of the launch of its ‘Healthy Families’ package to promote ‘healthier decisions’ and ‘changing mindsets’ over nutrition, physical activity and obesity. Great! The programme is based on a successful model from… ...
    GreensBy Kevin Hague MP
    2 weeks ago
  • ‘Healthy Families’ a good start but not enough to tackle obesity relate...
    Today the Government is making a the meal out of the launch of its ‘Healthy Families’ package to promote ‘healthier decisions’ and ‘changing mindsets’ over nutrition, physical activity and obesity. Great! The programme is based on a successful model from… ...
    GreensBy Kevin Hague MP
    2 weeks ago
  • No more sweet talk on obesity
    The Government should be looking at broader measures to combat obesity rather than re-hashing pre-announced initiatives, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says.  “While it is encouraging to see the Government finally waking from its slumber and restoring a focus on… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government two-faced on zero-hour contracts
    The Government should look to ban zero-hour contracts in its own back yard before getting too high and mighty about other employers using them, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. “Information collated by Labour shows at least three district health… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Scrutiny of battlefield deaths should continue
    As New Zealand troops head to Iraq under a shroud of secrecy, the Government is pushing ahead with legislation to remove independent scrutiny of incidents where Kiwi soldiers are killed in hostile action overseas, Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff says.… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Damp-free homes a right for tenants
    Labour is urging tenants to use a little known rule which gives them the right to live in damp-free rental homes. Otago University researchers have today highlighted the Housing Improvement Regulations 1947 as a way tenants can force landlords to… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • National must take action on speculators
    The Government must take action on property speculators who are damaging the housing market and shutting families and young people out of the home ownership dream, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “There are a number of options the Government could… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Milk price halves: A $7b economic black hole
    Global milk prices have halved since the peak last year, creating an economic black hole of almost $7 billion that will suck in regions reliant on dairy, crucial industries and the Government’s books, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kitchen plan set to swallow up health boards’ funds
    The financial impacts of implementing a proposal to outsource hospital food, forced on them by a crown-owned company which is now facing an auditor-general’s inquiry, are being felt by district health boards across the country, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Reserve Bank scathing of Government
    The Reserve Bank’s most scathing critique to date of National’s inability to handle the housing crisis shows the Bank is sick of having to pick up the pieces, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “John Key continues to deny there is… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Time for McDonald’s to upsize work hours
    Labour is calling on McDonald’s to have more respect for their workers and offer them more guaranteed work hours. McDonald’s is proposing to guarantee its workers 80 per cent of their rostered hours, Labour’s spokesperson for Labour Issues Iain Lees-Galloway… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Brownlee misses the boat on asbestos
    Gerry Brownlee has once again missed an opportunity to improve the lives of Cantabrians post-earthquakes, Labour’s Canterbury Earthquake Recovery spokesperson Ruth Dyson says. A new report from the Royal Society of New Zealand and the Prime Minister’s Chief Science Adviser,… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government must come clean on troop deployment and protections
    New Zealanders deserve more than to hear about their troops’ deployment overseas from Australian media, Opposition Leader Andrew Little says. “News from Australia that Kiwi troops are on their way to Iraq this week is another example of the culture… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Cancer prevention calls gain momentum
    Research showing bowel cancer treatment sucks up more public health dollars than other cancers once again highlights the need for a national screening programme, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. A study by Otago University, which found colon cancer is… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Burger King shows zero-hour contracts not needed
    The abandonment of zero-hour contracts by Burger King is further evidence good employers do not need to use them, Labour’s spokesperson on Labour Issues Iain Lees-Galloway says. "Congratulations to the Unite Union and Burger King for settling an employment agreement… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kiwis deserve more than reheats
    The Government looks set to rely on regurgitated announcements for this year’s Budget if today’s speech is anything to go by, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “National has been building up to this Budget for seven long years, promising a… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Landlords not cashing in on insulation schemes
    The fact so few landlords have taken up the generous taxpayer subsidy for retrofitting shows it is time to legislate minimum standards, says Labour’s Associate Housing spokesperson Poto Williams. “Many landlords aren’t using Government insulation schemes because they don’t want… ...
    2 weeks ago

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