web analytics
The Standard
Advertising

ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?

Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 26 comments
Categories: class war, Satire - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

slave1

I’m really no better than a plantation slave

It’s getting harder and harder to be a white man in this world. I feel threatened and challenged everywhere I go. No matter where I turn, no matter what I do, I’m confronted with messages of failure, and accusations that I’m responsible for everything that’s wrong with society. Everything seems to be my fault nowadays, and I seem to get the blame for all the world’s problems, but I don’t see how that’s fair.

I just don’t know how I’ll cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I feel ill-treated and ill-used. I’m a victim of oppression, and my rights have been trampled. But what can I do? Every time I try to speak my mind they shut me down.

This must be just what it was like for all those slaves in the old American south.

It wasn’t always like this. I remember when I was a kid how Dad’s word was law, and God help me if I stepped out of line. We knew back then the difference between right and wrong, but we also knew how to have a laugh, and we never took ourselves too seriously. If you stepped out of line the worse you’d get was a thrashing from your Dad, but you’d probably deserved it, and you didn’t hold it against him.

Things were simpler in those days, and people knew their place in the world and were content with what they had. There was a real sense of community in my neighbourhood back then, but that all changed about thirty years ago. It started when a bunch of new people moved into our suburb, people who looked different to us and didn’t speak English. Pretty soon they started to take the whole place over, filling the schools, buying up all the local shops, and forcing many of us who had lived for years in that neighbourhood to shift elsewhere. My family moved to the inner Auckland suburbs as soon as things started to change, but I know a few folk who stayed on longer, and it was hard for them. Their kids were forced to learn about different cultures in their school, and they almost needed to hire an interpreter just to buy a packet of smokes at the local dairy. I’m not a racist, and I have nothing against other cultures, but I didn’t ask for any of this. My old school friends who were forced daily to confront this modern day multicultural mess didn’t ask for what they were given. They were just told to like it or get out. They were made to feel dirty and unworthy just because they wanted everyone to speak the same language as them, and just because they became hostile and threatening whenever they were confronted with diversity.

Now I think I know what those African slaves went through.

I’m a hardworking guy, and through effort and determination, an enormous inheritance, and a network of contacts made while I was being educated at an expensive private school, I have built up a nice little pool of assets, including rental properties, shares, and other investments. I worked my fingers to the bone to get where I am today, and I took some enormous risks. Things haven’t always been easy for me, either. I’ve had financial troubles, and a few years ago I almost lost one of my holiday homes to the bank. But I always bounced back. I’m not afraid of hard work, when I’m not cruising around the world in my pleasure yacht.

So when I hear people going on about how white men control everything, I feel hurt. I earned every cent of what I own through perfectly legitimate means. My accountant assures me that in structuring my affairs so I pay very little tax I have broken no laws. My various businesses employ hundreds of people, and some of them even earn more than the minimum wage. I keep a number of European car dealers, private schools and stockbrokers in business. I’m a contributing member of society, so it pains me to hear how people like me are the cause of all the world’s ills.

I feel like a second class citizen, and it’s enough to make this gin and tonic I’m drinking beside my huge swimming pool taste sour. What about my rights?

This must be what those poor African people felt like as they travelled to the New World in those slave ships, chained up together in the hold in filthy and deplorable conditions.

And what about freedom of expression? Where’s my freedom? Nowadays you pay a woman a compliment about how nice her rack is, and she tells you you’re a misogynistic prick. Then her boyfriend threatens to punch you in the face. Or you tell one of your workers that she’s fat and needs to go on a diet if she wants to keep her job, and before you know it you’re up before the Employment Court.

It’s getting to the point where I can’t say anything I like whenever I want to. I’m really no better than a plantation slave.

Do you know what really gets me? It’s this crazy idea that every voice has value, and that every opinion is important. And yet when it comes to the test, my opinions aren’t as important as they used to be. Why should I surrender any of my freedoms, just because some people don’t like it when I engage in a bit of friendly banter with the lads? I’m a heterosexual man, and I enjoy the sight of a pretty woman. Why should she object if I tell her that she has nice tits, and that I’d do her in a heartbeat? As a red-blooded man with an appreciation for the finer things in life, I’m paying her the ultimate compliment.

Why should I be afraid to say whatever I think? I’m really no better than a slave working in the field, toiling under a relentless sun while being whipped and abused by a brutal plantation owner.

Isn’t it possible that we white men are right about most things? Maybe other people are simply wrong. Look at all the wonderful things we created while we were in charge of everything: in the fields of science, the arts, and technology. Can it be any coincidence that all of the most interesting and important bits of history involve white men? White men started two world wars. Two world wars! How many big wars were started by feminists?

So don’t tell me I’ve had my turn, and that it’s time to shift over and give someone else a go at being in charge for a while. Why should I? What have you people done to earn that right? You’re trying to take away my power, my privileges, and my right to tell you how to live.

How are you people any different to 18th century American slave owners?

I don’t even know what you problem is. What exactly is your problem? I’m not stopping you from saying or doing what you want, am I? Just don’t mouth those noxious opinions on any of the radio stations I own, and don’t bother writing letters to the editors of any of my newspapers. And if you women want to have a career, then that’s fine. Just don’t interfere with my right to fire you from your job when you decide to have babies, because my right to make money is paramount.

Actually, I do know what your problem is. Your problem is that you’re an oppressor. By telling me that I should respect people who aren’t like me, and that other people should have the same opportunities that were given to me through an accident of birth, you are stifling my right to express myself. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You cannot treat me like this. Don’t you know who I am?

I’m not one of those plantation slaves singing Let My People Go. But now I know just how they felt.

26 comments on “ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?”

  1. amirite 1

    What’s there to say? Apart from that the article is satirical perfection.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    Lament for them
    “He gets to his feet and he [brays]
    What about me? It isn’t fair
    [I don’t have] enough now, and I want my share
    (there’s nothing there
    But the words that make the big people big)”

  3. lprent 3

    An excellent description of the perceptions of our whiners and droners…..

    Even more hilariously is that typically as business people they are simply parasitical in the local economy. They don’t have enough creativity or business nouse to operate in the export world.

    Eventually some of them do wind up going overseas usually to do property investment, to make money off their capital.

    Those poor people never seem to realise exactly how stupid they really are because they don’t have enough imagination to do so. Bob Jones comes to mind.

    • Rogue Trooper 3.1

      reads like a transcript from talk-back radio, or Paul Henry.

    • vto 3.2

      An excellent description of the perceptions of our white men…..

      Even more hilariously is that typically as business people white men are simply parasitical in the local economy. White men don’t have enough creativity or business nouse to operate in the export world.

      Eventually some white men do wind up going overseas usually to do property investment, to make money off their capital.

      Those poor white men never seem to realise exactly how stupid white men really are because white men don’t have enough imagination to do so.

      you can shove it up your arse too mr prent

      • ropata 3.2.1

        I am (mostly) white and I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick mate

        What I took from IF’s article is that if you are privileged, be grateful and not an asshole about it

    • PHIL 3.3

      And who are you working for Iprent or are you a duck quacking all day and its everyone’s fault why don’t you start a business or does that require nous.

      • lprent 3.3.1

        Hey lazy – look it up. It isn’t hard to do.

        I’ve helped start and make profitable quite a few companies over the decades and have the shares stashed away from my startup remuneration. But I like writing code more than far more than the management I trained in.

        So idiot dipshit – what were you moronically mumbling about?

  4. vto 4

    Yep it truly is the 1950’s again, just a few reversed roles is the only difference today. Great aint it. Bigotry, ignorance and stereotyping just goes on and on.

    That aint satire or anything worthy mrs imperator, it is just school girl piss-weak sarcasm.

    Shove it up your arse.

    • Rogue Trooper 4.1

      Time for a Beat around the bush again 8-)

    • ropata 4.2

      vto
      Jeez dude stop taking it personally… why so grumpy lately? I have generally liked your comments and stirring of the pot.

      Imperator Fish is taking the piss out of Aaron Gilmore, Bob Jones, Rupert Murdoch, and ANY of the entitled class (brown, yellow, female, left handed, who gives a crap) who espouse the National Party born to rule mentality.

    • QoT 4.3

      Can’t tell if you think you’re being funny misgendering Scott, or if you actually assume anyone who snarks the privilege of white dudes must be a woman.

  5. Colonial Viper 5

    Consider the BRICS* and G20…the balance of power continues to shift irregardless of feminism and the white man is not faring well.

    *They might look white in Russia but they’re Russian first and foremost and definitely not anglo-saxon…

  6. ropata 6

    People to Avoid (in general, but there are worthy exceptions):

    Real Estate Agent
    Property Speculator
    Used Car Salesman
    Political Reporter
    Investment Fund Manager
    Leaky Home Builder
    Politician
    Home Loan Salesman
    Gerry Brownlee*

    (*no exception here – always avoid!!)

  7. Tracey 7

    Thanks for the chuckle.

    and vto and I have something in common. When we read it we both thought of vto. Touch a nerve much?

    Nobody knows the rubles ive seen… as sung by v putin

Important links

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Dunedin Hospital needs more than drip feed
    An ongoing and embarrassing pattern of major building leaks and equipment failures at Dunedin Public Hospital has been revealed in papers released under the Official Information Act, Dunedin North MP David Clark says. “Documents released under the Official Information Act… ...
    23 hours ago
  • Dunedin Hospital needs more than drip feed
    An ongoing and embarrassing pattern of major building leaks and equipment failures at Dunedin Public Hospital has been revealed in papers released under the Official Information Act, Dunedin North MP David Clark says. “Documents released under the Official Information Act… ...
    23 hours ago
  • 17 too young for teens to be shown the door
    Laws which see young people under the care of CYFS abandoned once they turn 17 will mean at least a dozen young Kiwis will be left to fend for themselves over the December festive season, Labour’s Children’s spokesperson Jacinda  Ardern… ...
    23 hours ago
  • 17 too young for teens to be shown the door
    Laws which see young people under the care of CYFS abandoned once they turn 17 will mean at least a dozen young Kiwis will be left to fend for themselves over the December festive season, Labour’s Children’s spokesperson Jacinda  Ardern… ...
    23 hours ago
  • National’s albatross, taxpayers’ curse
    Government consideration of further corporate welfare hand-outs to SkyCity for its convention centre shows just how weak the original contract was, Labour’s Economic Development spokesperson David Clark says. “Taxpayers will be appalled to hear that on top of the humiliating… ...
    1 day ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    4 days ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    4 days ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    4 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    4 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    4 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    4 days ago
  • Gerry Brownlee’s revolving airport door story
    A new report shows Gerry Brownlee is the latest Cabinet Minister to have contracted the infectious tell-porkies-until-you-are-caught disease, Labour’s Chief Whip Chris Hipkins says. “A Civil Aviation Report out today shows that despite being an extremely recognisable figure, Gerry Brownlee… ...
    4 days ago
  • Gerry Brownlee’s revolving airport door story
    A new report shows Gerry Brownlee is the latest Cabinet Minister to have contracted the infectious tell-porkies-until-you-are-caught disease, Labour’s Chief Whip Chris Hipkins says. “A Civil Aviation Report out today shows that despite being an extremely recognisable figure, Gerry Brownlee… ...
    4 days ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    5 days ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    5 days ago
  • Solar homes stymied by Govt inaction
    Government inaction is allowing the big power companies to discourage the nascent solar power sector, the Green Party said today. Green Party MP Gareth Hughes launched a petition today calling on the Government to empower the Electricity Authority to act… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    5 days ago
  • Way opening for April Sun in Cuba
    The United States of America’s President’s historic announcement yesterday to restore diplomatic ties with Cuba should be applauded by the New Zealand Government. The announcement marks a turning point in more than five decades of hostility between the two countries… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    5 days ago
  • Minister ducking for cover over ‘Diplomat Case’
    Apparently the Ministerial Inquiry into what now seems to be being referred to as ‘The Diplomat Case’ ( I have a few other names for it) has been completed and is in front of Foreign Affairs Minister McCully. Initial Reports seem to… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    5 days ago
  • Turning up the heat on working conditions
    A “Jobs That Count” campaign has the full support of Labour, the party’s Labour Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway says. Organised by the Meat Workers Union, the campaign aims to put the spotlight on job insecurity in the meat processing industry. ...
    6 days ago
  • Biosecurity it’s everyone’s responsibility
    Biosecurity costs New Zealand millions of dollars in attempting pest eradication and much more in ongoing management of pests in farming, horticulture, beekeeping and conservation, as well as in our own backyards and recreation areas. More work must happen at… ...
    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    6 days ago
  • Failure to diversify puts prosperity at risk
    Beyond the news that a long-promised surplus is unlikely, further embarrassment is hidden in the fine print of the half year economic and fiscal update, Labour says. "National’s failure to rebalance the economy is further exposed in projections from its… ...
    6 days ago
  • Ombudsman probe targets Ministerial integrity
    John Key is on notice that the entrenched cynical and manipulative abuse of official information requests by his Government will no longer be tolerated, Labour’s Open Government spokesperson Clare Curran says. “The announcement by the Ombudsman of a wide-ranging review… ...
    7 days ago
  • Bill English’s face is redder than his books
    The Government owes New Zealanders an apology for failing to deliver the surplus it spent four years and two election campaigns promising, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Bill English’s face is redder than the Crown accounts. This is the… ...
    7 days ago
  • Is the Health Minister accountable to the public? He doesn’t seem to thin...
    Lately I’ve been involved in a sort of farcical standoff with the Health Minister, who seems to be under the illusion that I have no right to ask questions about conflicts involving Health Promotion Agency Board member Katherine Rich, and… ...
    GreensBy Kevin Hague MP
    7 days ago
  • Irresponsible tax cuts lead to seventh successive deficit
    National's borrowing to pay for cutting the top tax rate was irresponsible and will likely lead to a seventh successive deficit, the Green Party said today. Treasury have forecast a $572 million deficit this year in its Half Year Economic… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    7 days ago
  • Minister closes down dissent on climate change
    Minister closes down dissent on climate change In a threatening letter to Maori leaders, Minister for Climate Change Tim Groser says he will be requiring future international delegations to toe the party line, Labour’s Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods says.… ...
    1 week ago
  • A welfare system for the 21st Century
    Today Child Poverty Action Group released a background paper on ‘The complexities of ‘relationship’ in the welfare system and the consequences for children.‘ The report includes 16 recommendations to modernise our welfare system which is no longer fit for the… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    2 weeks ago
  • NZ should formally recognise Palestine
    New Zealand should follow the lead of Sweden, and now recognise Palestine as a separate state On 30 October, Sweden’s new government formally recognised the state of Palestine, only the second Western country to do so, after Iceland. Down here… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 weeks ago
  • James Shaw’s adjournment speech on behalf of the Green Party
    It is a great honour for me to speak on behalf of the Green Party in this adjournment debate. I thank my colleagues for the privilege. I became a MP only 12 weeks ago, a period of time that seems… ...
    GreensBy James Shaw MP
    2 weeks ago
  • James Shaw’s adjournment speech on behalf of the Green Party
    It is a great honour for me to speak on behalf of the Green Party in this adjournment debate. I thank my colleagues for the privilege. I became a MP only 12 weeks ago, a period of time that seems… ...
    GreensBy James Shaw MP
    2 weeks ago
  • A Tale of Two Farms
    Pig farming has yet again been thrust into the public view with two programmes this week on Campbell Live highlighting the very different conditions for pigs on two very different farms. The first programme exposed the awful conditions on… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    2 weeks ago
  • A Tale of Two Farms
    Pig farming has yet again been thrust into the public view with two programmes this week on Campbell Live highlighting the very different conditions for pigs on two very different farms. The first programme exposed the awful conditions on… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    2 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere