web analytics
The Standard

ImperatorFish: I did not order this

Written By: - Date published: 8:09 am, September 25th, 2013 - 11 comments
Categories: Conservation, national, politicans - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

nick.smithGee I’m a bit peckish. I never had time for breakfast this morning, and it’s been meeting after meeting since I got up, and I’ve got Question Time to deal with later in the day. Time to recharge.

Well I have an hour before the next meeting, and this café looks pleasant enough.

Righto, that’s my order sorted. Now to wait, and what better way to while away the hours than to examine one’s ministerial papers?

Goodness me, that was quick. Wait. What’s that?

No, this isn’t good enough. I didn’t order that. I didn’t order any food at all. I just came here for the coffee.

What do you mean? How can I have ordered the Big Brunch Fry-up? I haven’t even seen the menu. How can I order a meal if I haven’t even seen the menu? Just the coffee!

Oh, that? So there’s a piece of card on the table on which are printed the names of various meal items. So what of it? I didn’t even notice it there. I did not know of the existence of this menu until you showed it to me just now.

Well, yes, I may have actually held the menu in my hands, if what you say is true. I don’t recall, but if that’s what you say you saw, then I admit I may have picked the menu up. But that doesn’t mean I knew the menu existed. I may have thought I was pawing something else, like an important ministerial paper, or a paper towel, or perhaps a real estate brochure. I expect that my attention would have been drawn to more important matters as I handled it, if indeed I even touched it. As a busy minister I have a lot on my plate, although I certainly never ordered that particular plate.

But I never read the menu, I never ordered anything from it, and I won’t pay for a meal I never asked for!

No, I certainly don’t recall holding the menu up close to my eyes, and I’m sure I would remember asking you what the Big Brunch Fry-up contained. This is your word against mine, and I won’t sit here and allow my good name to be impugned. These allegations are baseless and without any factual foundation whatsoever. I did not order this meal!

Well, what proof do you have? Oh, you have a piece of paper on which you took down the order, and which says “Table Six: Big Brunch Fry-up. Hold mushrooms, eggs poached.” Well what does that prove? All that proves is that you took an order down, and so what if this just happens to be Table Six? It’s clear that what we are dealing with here is a catalogue of mistakes made by mostly junior staff, and I’m confident that it doesn’t reflect badly on me in any way.

You say you’re sure I asked for the Big Brunch Fry-up, but I wonder what your real motives are. Are they malicious? Would you by chance be a member of the Green Party? Are you a party activist? You have an anti-business-agenda look about you, young lady, and I don’t like it at all.

Not that I’ve got anything against green issues. I like to think of myself as a blue green, which makes your claim that I ordered a greasy fry-up all the more risible. Had I ordered any food I would have chosen a light chicken salad, although, and let me be very clear about this, I have no recollection of ordering any food, and if any food was ordered it was entirely due to a junior member of staff at this establishment misunderstanding what was a very clear request just for coffee.

Your notes may well suggest that I ordered the Big Brunch Fry-up, but that’s just one interpretation, and with respect I think some people here may be guilty of dancing on the head of a pin in order to score political points. I came here just for coffee, not to be interrogated by aggressive party activists.

No, this isn’t acceptable. Please summon the manager. Oh, you are the manager? Well then, I think a review of the behaviour of all staff involved in this matter is called for. There are obviously problems with the processes your staff have followed, and I am confident that any review will show that I acted entirely appropriately.

So you have CCTV footage of me ordering something from the menu? Just hang on a moment here. I never claimed that I didn’t ask for food. No no no! If you look back at my statements in this matter you will see that I have been quite clear all along that I never denied asking for food. What I have made very clear from the beginning was that I did not order the Big Brunch Fry-up.

Oh, the camera has a microphone and my words can be heard? Well, you see, that doesn’t prove that I ordered the Big Brunch Fry-up. It wasn’t an order as such, was it? No, it was a request. I said “May I please have the Big Brunch Fry-up, and can you please hold the mushrooms?” How could anyone possibly frame such a polite and reasonable request for food as an order? I may be a minister with considerable legal powers, but I do not have the power of command in your own establishment. No, it was a request, not an order, a request that you kindly fulfilled.

Now let’s hear no more of this. I have no time for this nonsense. I have a non-existent housing crisis to grapple with. Good day, Madam!

11 comments on “ImperatorFish: I did not order this”

  1. George D 2

    Very good.

  2. Linz 3

    Brilliant. You can hear Nick Smith’s voice in this.

  3. Rogue Trooper 5

    One of your better recipes Scott. :-D

  4. Tracey 7

    Key backs Smith despite admitting he hasnt looked into it in any detail.

    “Speaking to reporters in New York overnight, Mr Key said Dr Smith had his full backing.

    “I haven’t followed everything step by step, it hasn’t seemed necessary to be honest, but I have complete confidence in him.”

    • BLiP 7.1

      . . . “I haven’t followed everything step by step, it hasn’t seemed necessary to be honest, but I have complete confidence in him” . . .

      It never seems necessary to be honest when you’re John Key.

  5. MrSmith 8

    Keys going to need a lift on his return so Smith’s for the chop again! Great news.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

1 2 3 8

  • John Key now admits no broad support for RMA changes
    John Key has now been forced to admit that he never had the broad political support to gut the Resource Management Act, says Labour’s Environment spokesperson Megan Woods. “Cornerstone legislation such as the RMA should never be changed without genuine… ...
    9 hours ago
  • National’s changes leave student bodies in chaos
    The chaos created by National’s scrapping of compulsory student association membership may force the 86-year old Union of Students Association to fold, Labour’s Tertiary Education spokesperson David Cunliffe says. “National’s 2011 Voluntary Student Membership Act has left student associations with… ...
    10 hours ago
  • Tragedy must be impetus for better training
    The Police Minister needs to explain why unsworn and inadequately trained custody officers were put in a situation of caring for a medically unwell prisoner on a busy Saturday night, Labour’s Police spokesperson Kelvin Davis says. Commenting on an IPCA… ...
    3 days ago
  • Government must be more transparent on investor state clauses
    The Government must be more transparent around the draft investor state dispute settlements in the TPPA, says David Parker, Labour’s Export Growth and Trade spokesperson. “Labour is pro trade, and is proud of the FTA we negotiated with China, which… ...
    4 days ago
  • Protect university staff and student voices
    The Green Party believes ensuring student and staff representation on university councils is important. National recently passed a law reducing the size of university governance councils while increasing the proportion of the members nominated by, guess who… Steven Joyce. The… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    4 days ago
  • C’mon Nick what’s the truth on the RMA
     “Nick Smith has got to fess up and tell us what is happening to his much vaunted RMA reform, Labour’s Environment spokesperson Megan Woods says.  “With just a day and a half to go before the polls open in Northland,… ...
    4 days ago
  • SSC salaries sink National’s spending spin
    Massive pay rises at the State Services Commission prove National’s claims of clamping down on spending in the public sector are simply fantasy, Labour’s State Services spokesman Kris Faafoi says. “Salaries in this one department are almost $70,000 more than… ...
    4 days ago
  • We can fix Christchurch and keep our assets
    The Christchurch City Council is seeking public feedback on its proposed 10 year plan for Council revenue and spending. This is probably one of the most significant 10 year plans ever to be written by a local council because of… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    4 days ago
  • Epidemic of serious assaults in our prisons
    Labour wants stab proof vests and pepper spray for all corrections officers to keep them safe from the epidemic of serious prison assaults that are occurring around the country’s jails, says Labour’s Corrections Spokesperson Kelvin Davis.  “There have been five… ...
    4 days ago
  • Listen to the locals Hekia!
    Minister Hekia Parata needs to understand what consultation is, Port Hills MP Ruth Dyson says. “It means you have to listen to what people say in their submissions and then be able to demonstrate you have considered their views when… ...
    5 days ago
  • Thanking our caregivers
    Let’s celebrate and thank our caregivers. This week is caregivers’ week. It’s a chance to acknowledge the thousands of women, and occasional other person, who are caring for the elderly and disabled in our country. They hold people’s lives in… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    5 days ago
  • Mana Post shop the best outcome for community
    Labour MP for Mana Kris Faafoi has welcomed the move to place the services from the Mana Post shop to a local small business. “This is the best outcome for the community we could ask for. All the vital services… ...
    5 days ago
  • Labour looks to put the tea back into entitlements
    Labour is moving to restore the rights of Kiwis to take tea and rest breaks, Leader Andrew Little says. “Within months of the Government’s Employment Relations Amendment Bill becoming law we are already seeing some of our largest companies, including… ...
    5 days ago
  • Desperate money grab to keep Ruataniwha afloat
    The Hawke’s Bay Regional Investment Company’s decision to borrow $4 million to keep the Ruataniwha project afloat is a case of throwing ratepayer’s good money after bad, says Labour’s Water spokesperson Meka Whaitiri and Napier MP Stuart Nash.   “This bridging… ...
    6 days ago
  • Roundup: UN finds it “probably” causes cancer
    At last the UN has spoken out against the widely-used weedkiller Roundup. The UN’s International Agency for Research on Cancer has identified glyphosate, the principle ingredient in Roundup, as a probable carcinogen. They also include as probable carcinogens the insecticides… ...
    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    6 days ago
  • Invermay petition delivered to Parliament
    Labour’s Economic Development spokesperson David Clark handed over a 12,450 signature Save Invermay petition to Dunedin South MP Clare Curran on the steps of Parliament today.  “The level of support that the petition has received across New Zealand is overwhelming,”… ...
    6 days ago
  • Redcliffs School closure plan wrong
    The Government’s proposal to consult on the closure of Redcliffs School not only goes against the best geotechnical advice, but more importantly goes against the best educational outcomes for Redcliffs children and the health of our community, Port Hills MP… ...
    6 days ago
  • Cotton On first to test the tea breaks law
    Australian corporate Cotton On, the first major business operating in New Zealand to exploit the new tea breaks law, could walk away from negotiations if it doesn’t get its own way, says Labour Party Labour Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway.  “Cotton… ...
    1 week ago
  • World water day: eight rivers in one day
    Our photo journey started by the Waioweka (also known as Waioeka) River which flows from Te Urewera to Opotiki, and is surrounded by beautiful forest. The water looked great! Kopeopeo Canal It contrasted greatly with the Kopeopeo Canal near Whakatane,… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    1 week ago
  • Council can stop Port’s encroachment on harbour
    As owner of the Port of Auckland, Council can stop the wharf extension and reclamation if it wants to, says Labour’s Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Goff. ‘As owner the council is custodian of the port and harbour on behalf of… ...
    1 week ago
  • We all benefit when education meets everyone’s needs
    As Dyslexia week comes to a close,  Dyslexia NZ have reminded us that around 10% of our citizens are dyslexic and are entitled to better support. One of their strongest arguments is that failure to provide identification and support for… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    1 week ago
  • Big change starts small
    Today marks Race Relations Day in New Zealand. Race Relations Day coincides with the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination.  The United Nations General Assembly chose this day as it marks the day in 1960 when 69 peaceful… ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche MP
    1 week ago
  • Israel, Palestine and the question of statehood
    The knife-edge election in Israel complicates the Middle East situation, even more than usual. The Prime Minister-elect, Binyamin Netanyahu, is moving to form a government. Netanyahu has indicated that, during his term, a Palestinian state would not be established. That… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • Christchurch transport goes backwards
    The Green Party has a vision of a liveable, accessible Christchurch with a sense of identity and strong connected communities. Instead, 2013 census figures released by Statistics New Zealand reveal a fractured community, and tell a story of frustrated Christchurch commuters… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    1 week ago
  • Super Fund should divest $140 million in high risk coal
    The Green Party is calling on the New Zealand Super Fund to divest their $140 million investment in coal companies that are vulnerable to becoming financially stranded according to a damning new report from Oxford University. The Smith School of… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Learn to count with Mark Osborne: 0 + 1 = ?
    The adage about the first casualty of war being truth is one that might often be applied to the political battle for hearts and minds, and of course votes. A rather unfortunate example of this has been arriving in the… ...
    GreensBy David Clendon MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Is it still a safety net when the holes are this big?
    Over the last few weeks I’ve been wondering how safe our income support system is for people, especially those with cognitive or learning disabilities. I’ve been trying to support a young man who was severely injured in a workplace accident… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Pasifika – protecting the Pacific needed now more than ever.
    Over the weekend thousands of Aucklanders flocked to celebrate our city’s diverse Pacific communities and cultures at the annual Pasifika festival and the Greens were there to join them. The Pasifika festival has been held every year for 23… ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Sounds Stakeholders Seek a Sustainable Future
    It was heartening to see a large number of people who care about the Marlborough Sounds come together at the Marlborough Marine Futures’ forum in Picton on March 8. Fellow Green MP Steffan Browning, who lives in Marlborough, and I… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Solid Energy, who will clean up the mess?
    What can you say? This state-owned coal miner is facing some very serious problems. They haven’t run a profit in years, have required two Government bailouts, laid-off more than 700 staff and look like they need a third injection of… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    3 weeks ago

Removed at the request of The Daily Blog.
Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere