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Imperatorfish: The post I never posted

Written By: - Date published: 12:01 pm, January 9th, 2013 - 26 comments
Categories: david shearer, Satire - Tags:

I spent hours and hours writing a blogpost attacking Labour’s various failings, and explaining why the February caucus vote would be a defeat for David Shearer, no matter how it went. I concluded in my post that the party was doomed under its current leader, that just about everything everyone had said on The Standard was spot on, and that the polls showing Labour gains were deceptive because John Key would humble David Shearer during the 2014 election campaign. I argued that history showed that a seasoned incumbent would always destroy a wet-between-the-ears newbie during a leadership debate. We all remember what Helen Clark did to an inexperienced John Key in 2008, and how as a result Labour won an unprecedented fourth term in office, don’t we?

I went on to argue that even if Shearer somehow won the election for the centre-left, he would not have the skills to assemble or hold together a governing coalition.

And even if I was wrong on that point, I went on to write, David Shearer was still not the best man for the job, because he had failed to demonstrate an ability to walk on water or bring the dead back to life.

But I didn’t push the “publish” button, because I came up with an even better idea for a post. Now I’m working on a blogpost about how the ancient Babylonians first discovered New Zealand, and how academics have conspired for decades to bury the evidence. It’s going to be a cracker!

I have now written about a hundred draft blogposts about how awful things are for Labour under David Shearer. I’m thinking of publishing them all at once, once this gin bottle has been emptied. But first I think I’ll publish a devastating critique of David Bain’s innocence claim.

26 comments on “Imperatorfish: The post I never posted”

  1. quartz 1

    I don’t get it, is this guy pro-shearer or against him?

    • Populuxe1 1.1

      Pro Captain Mumblefuck. Sanctimonious. And far from Imperatorfish’s best effort.

      • Lightly 1.1.1

        I don’t think any post that says Shearer is a “wet-between-the-ears newbie” and “David Shearer was still not the best man for the job”, and jokingly likens him to John Key is pro-him.

        It’s a post of ‘I didn’t write this but here’s what I would have said’ – I think it’s pretty good.

        • QoT 1.1.1.1

          I think you missed the whole bit of the sentence after “because”, which makes IF’s feelings about criticisms of Shearer pretty clear. Hint: he’s saying us haters want Shearer to be Jesus.

  2. I just want a vote for the members triggered by caucus in Feb so we can all unite to fight the next election. That vote can either confirm Shearer or elect another who wishes to put their hat in: Robertson, Cunliffe, Parker, Little. I’m not interested in posts ripping into Shearer or any other potential (or not).

    • Coronial Typer 2.1

      That will at last give us something real and positive to focus on.

      Lots of people want politicians to have a well deserved break. But clearly there are hundreds and hundreds of activists – from those posting on this site for one – who are spoiling for strong leadership of the left to start NOW. Not when parliament reconvenes.

      I want the left to start this year, and finish it. Not always reacting to others.

      Meantime Imperator Fish should flop onto a beach somewhere and dry out.

  3. The Leader is the Leader . Lets show a bit of loyalty to the Party that one belongs too.. Its at branch meetings that one debates the issues .Not in public where the Nats can make use of information. Much as detest National I must admit their disagrements (Which are many I presume0 are rarely in public .Not like us silly buggers who shout our disagreements from the roof tops.
    Please shut up! Use your time helping ,as Mike Smith has asked “To develop ideas and policy that will win us the 2014 election .Lets practice the main reaason Labour is our choice of Party Fraternity .

    • ad 3.1

      Are you aware of the constitutional changes that occurred in November 2012 at the Labour Conference that encourage democratic and public confirmation of the caucus leader?

      • Colonial Viper 3.1.1

        Labour needs to move into an election year looking forwards with maximum momentum.

        A Labour Leader backed by confirmation from the full membership and affiliates would completely re-energise the party and grow our numbers. it would show those leaning towards the Greens that Labour is also a highly democratic party where the voice of each individual member counts.

    • bad12 3.2

      ‘Our’ choice of Party Fraternity??? are there lots of YOU, schizophrenic perhaps???, not MY choice of Party so speak for yourself…

      • Colonial Weka 3.2.1

        Wrong abuse of mentally ill stereotype. I think you mean multiple personality disorder, not schizophrenia.

    • alex 3.3

      Bollocks TPP, why should a membership base that has been shafted by their caucus sit around silently?

    • KhandallaViper 3.4

      Mike Smith, who in on the Labour Caucus payroll? That Mike Smith tpp? Mike Smith is an Independent commentator, YEAH RIGHT.

      You are correct that one does not hear much public criticism of John Key from National supporters.
      There are two obvious reasons that John Key has legitimate tenure as party leader.
      1.The Nats did not give the membership a Leadership Debate Road-show. Labour did and promptly ignored the members preference.
      2. John Key proved himself a competent party leader from day one, as far as Nats Members are concerned.

      • Rhinoviper 3.4.1

        IIRC, word has circulated among Nat party members that if they publicly criticise Key, then their party membership will be revoked.

        I’m sure Curran is jealous.

    • karol 3.5

      Fraternity means “brotherhood”. That’s reassuring.

    • David H 3.6

      Sorry, but Mike Smith is just the caucuses messenger boy, he hops in here drops a couple of messages, usually saying shut up and fall into line, just like good little boys. Just another Seagull poster. He can just go back and get his pat on the head, and tell em we’re NOT playing his silly game!

  4. hush minx 4

    To those who wish commentors would stop commenting in public, I fear your request will fall on deaf ears until a sense of reciprocal responsibility is shown by the parliamentary leadership. Hence the desire of many for a members vote in February so we can all have our say (those who are members, mps or affiliates) and then we either shut up or get in behind. Simple really.
    I’m thinking we should be telling the mps that we know that we want them to vote for a vote (which is not the same as voting against or for any person in particular). Then we can settle this.

  5. geoff 5

    All of us anti-shearer types have had a good lash over the last few days. You’ve tried smacking the bee’s nest but we’re a bit spent sorry, Imperator.
    Maybe try again in a week or so?

  6. Saarbo 6

    IF, Your satire is shit. Just go back to writing serious posts bro. (and I dont only mean this one, I mean most of the stuff on your blog)

  7. xtasy 7

    Hey what is this about 2008, was it not 2005, where Helen won Labour and support parties another term???

    But this must be some bizarre “humour”, right?

    Shearer is a totally UNFIT leader for Labour, almost all of us know this by now. Some say Robertson is using the scene to set his agenda to take over leadership. Some have other ideas. Others want Cunliffe to not perhaps lead the party, but to at least be re-installed on the front bench to talk on damned economics, which is core of the sets of issues this government is not able to deal with good enough.

    Shearer is to me like a bit of a “Stalinist”, he dislikes dissent, challenges, is himself very insecure, so he rather gets the dirty dealers out to shut up dissent and do away with ones who do not support him. We all know what happened to Stalin, and we learned enough about him being a psychopath. Certainly no democrat, whether left or right would ever want such a “leader” running the show.

    I am afraid that Shearer is trying to cover up his deficiencies by being an aotocrat and a bit of a “dictator”. He is likely not to be doing this on his own, yes, I believe there may be the ABC circle, or a similar group of a “gang” working on “supporting” him in an instrumental way.

    That does in any way NOT make for a good leader of the major opposition party. Labour has one last chance, to rid itself of this sicklish hangers on group sitting in Parliament, to vote for a NEW leader, to involve and include the base of the party more, to become more democratic like the Greens are, and to lift itself out of the quagmire. I sadly cannot see this happen though.

    Many are starting to flirt with and fancy the Greens. Yes, they have a lot of ideas, good policies and a better team, but I fear they are perhaps not quite ready yet. Also I am not trusting Russel Norman enough, having become almost a bit like a “green” Winston of recent. Where is their environmental focus, all now rather being talk about econmics, finance and social welfare. That is all good, but do not forget the roots.

    I cannot see the Greens as that solidly left though, as they may be interventionist, but most their voters are middle class to upper middle class urbanites, many academics. That is also good, but it does not provide a close enough link and connection to the labour base, common workers and beneficiaries, despite of Jan Logie being good at raising welfare issues. She has half a dozen of spokesperson areas, or close to that, so welfare always falls short.

    So there is Mana, but that is still dominated by Hone, and the other Pakeha activists only surface now and then. I respect them all, but apart from some good policies, they will never cover enough policies to attract more than a few percent.

    NZ politics needs a bloody shake up, yes this society needs a total rattle and shake, so that ALL wake up and realise, we are largely ALL in this together, but I see too little in ones prepared to share or even comminicate. NZ is a very dysfunctional, broken, disunited and even in some ways heartless society now.

    Sorry to say.

    • KJT 7.1

      The environmental focus is still at the forefront.

      We know, however, that it is not possible to address environmental sustainability without addressing social and economic sustainability, Including, equality issues.

      For example, in a democracy, we are not going to get those at the bottom of the income tree to vote for reducing their standard of living, to make us more environmentally sustainable, while the top 2% are still getting 17% annual rises in wealth.

      We are also not going to succeed in long term environmental sustainability with an economic system that requires constant growth and hence constantly increasing resource use.

  8. Rogue Trooper 8

    it’s the Killing Joke this growth business (Growth Fetish)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7WPI4TJImo
    it’s Complications; A Love Like Blood…a love like blood

  9. kiwi_prometheus 9

    QofT: “Hint: he’s saying us haters want Shearer to be Jesus.”

    No you want him to transform into a tom boy superheroine firing purple lightning bolts at unborn babies, if your crazy graphics and rants on your blog site are any indicator…

    … but you’ve changed your graphics yet again! Now your a selfdescribed “grand archduchess”. LOL, what an egotistical maniac!

    • felixviper 9.1

      Oh look, another creepy stalker turning up just to leave off-topic sexist abuse for QoT.

      It’s like this morning all over again.

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    2 days ago
  • Review: The Block Party
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    2 days ago
  • Hard News: The media awards are dead – long live the media awards!
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    2 days ago
  • Hard News: The media awards are dead – long live the media awards!
    Friday's Canon Media Awards was the most interesting instance of the long-running national ceremony in a long time, maybe ever. There were notable insurgencies – The SpinOff took two awards from 11 first-time nominations, Radio NZ's The Wireless won Website… ...
    2 days ago
  • New research confirms water fluoridation does not cause bone cancers
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    2 days ago
  • Redline on the Labour Party
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  • Selfie-takers think they’re the greatest
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  • UCOL cutting the staff who lifted student results
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    2 days ago
  • Another Road Only Harbour Crossing on the Cards?
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    2 days ago
  • Leaked UK Briefing Shows NZ-EU Trade Deal is a Sham
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  • Gordon Campbell on bank scandals and air crashes
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    2 days ago

  • Key’s “brain fart” on tax cuts news to English
    John Key didn’t tell his own Finance Minister he was about to go on radio and announce he wanted $3b of tax cuts, just days after Bill English ruled them out, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “In Parliament today… ...
    12 hours ago
  • What I’m looking for in Budget 2016 – A better start for our tamariki
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    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    13 hours ago
  • What I’m looking for in Budget 2016 – A better start for our tamariki
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    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    13 hours ago
  • Denise Roche: What I’m looking for in Budget 2016 Pt II
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    GreensBy Denise Roche
    17 hours ago
  • Equal Pay and Budget 2016
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    GreensBy Jan Logie
    19 hours ago
  • Equal Pay and Budget 2016
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    GreensBy Jan Logie
    19 hours ago
  • A great Budget would
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    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    19 hours ago
  • Budget building materials policy backfires
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    19 hours ago
  • Smarter, Better, Cleaner, Stronger
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    GreensBy Gareth Hughes
    19 hours ago
  • Govt must come clean on tax cuts in Budget
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    2 days ago
  • Grant Robertson Pre-Budget Speech
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  • Budget must deliver for middle New Zealand
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    3 days ago
  • Our housing emergency – why we have to act
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    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    4 days ago
  • Will funding boost for sexual violence services go to the right places?
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    GreensBy Jan Logie
    4 days ago
  • Will funding boost for sexual violence services go to the right places?
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    GreensBy Jan Logie
    4 days ago
  • Denise Roche – What I’m looking for in this year’s Budget
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    GreensBy Denise Roche
    5 days ago
  • Denise Roche – What I’m looking for in this year’s Budget
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    GreensBy Denise Roche
    5 days ago
  • Car rego victims must get a refund
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    5 days ago
  • Council statement shows they just don’t get it
    The Auckland Council’s statement today shows they don’t understand the problems created by the urban growth boundary, says Labour’s housing spokesperson Phil Twyford.  “I have been the first to defend the Auckland City Council when Bill English has been blaming… ...
    5 days ago
  • Inspecting electronic devices a potential privacy threat
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    5 days ago
  • The Price of Water
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    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    5 days ago
  • Caption It NZ!
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    GreensBy Mojo Mathers
    5 days ago
  • Older Kiwis to miss out on electives
    The Government is not doing enough elective surgery to keep up with New Zealand’s ageing population, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.  “It’s damning that the targeted national intervention rate for cataract and knee and hip surgery is the same… ...
    6 days ago
  • Most principals say their college is underfunded
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    6 days ago
  • Bill English and Nick Smith on different pages
    The Government’s support for Labour’s policy to remove the Auckland urban growth boundary is good news, but National needs to clarify its position, Labour’s Housing and Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “The Acting Prime Minister has acknowledged our position… ...
    6 days ago
  • Bill English and Nick Smith on different pages
    The Government’s support for Labour’s policy to remove the Auckland urban growth boundary is good news, but National needs to clarify its position, Labour’s Housing and Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “The Acting Prime Minister has acknowledged our position… ...
    6 days ago
  • Labour calls for independent inquiry into illegal fish dumping
    The Labour Party is reiterating its call for an independent inquiry into New Zealand’s fishing industry after two reports revealed the Ministry for Primary Industries turned a blind eye to widespread fish dumping in New Zealand waters, says Labour’s Fisheries… ...
    6 days ago
  • Mt Karangahake and Newcrest Mining
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    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    6 days ago
  • Robbing Aucklanders to pay Rio Tinto
    New Zealand’s national electricity grid stretches the length of the country and contains some 11,803 kilometres of high-voltage lines and 178 substations. It wouldn’t make sense for competing power companies to duplicate and build their own expensive electricity transmission system… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes
    7 days ago
  • Government should abolish Auckland urban growth boundary
    The Government should rule out any possibility of an urban growth boundary in Auckland Council’s Unitary Plan if it is serious about fixing the housing crisis, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “Over 25 years the urban growth boundary hasn’t… ...
    7 days ago
  • Kiwis don’t want iPads for Land deals
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    7 days ago
  • Homelessness – National has failed all of us
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    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    1 week ago
  • Moko case should never have been manslaughter deal
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    1 week ago
  • Overseas investor funds school’s digital devices
    The Government must address the inequality laptops and tablets in classrooms are causing after a Queenstown school was forced to use a donation from an overseas investor to get their students digital devices, Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins. “Documents obtained… ...
    1 week ago
  • Child Youth and Family Review and Domestic Violence
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    GreensBy Jan Logie
    1 week ago
  • Child Youth and Family Review and Domestic Violence
    This Government has consistently failed to recognise the links between Child Youth and Family Services (CYFS) and intimate partner violence. For me, the recent review of CYFS has highlighted this misunderstanding of the dynamics of domestic violence and its impacts… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie
    1 week ago
  • Canterbury rebuild: How wood is a better choice for the new city
    It was interesting to attend the ForestWood Conference in Auckland recently and learn about the extent of innovation in the wood processing and manufacturing sector. The forestry sector may be New Zealand’s third largest export earner, but raw logs make… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    1 week ago
  • Canterbury rebuild: How wood is a better choice for the new city
    It was interesting to attend the ForestWood Conference in Auckland recently and learn about the extent of innovation in the wood processing and manufacturing sector. The forestry sector may be New Zealand’s third largest export earner, but raw logs make… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    1 week ago
  • Key plucks $3b out of thin air – reckless and irresponsible
    John Key refuses to give up on his dream of tax cuts to the wealthy, despite being shot down by Bill English, and is resorting to plucking numbers out of thin air, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “On radio… ...
    1 week ago
  • John Key woefully out of touch on homelessness
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    1 week ago
  • Under-reporting shows need to review quota system
    The Government must launch an independent review into New Zealand’s 30-year-old Quota Management System following a new report suggesting gross under-reporting of catch in the New Zealand fishing industry, Labour’s Environment spokesperson David Parker says.  “The Auckland University report found… ...
    1 week ago
  • Investigations into tertiary institutions overdue
    A Tertiary Education Commission investigation into the Tai Poutini Polytechnic is overdue and should have been launched last year, Labour’s Associate Education (Tertiary) spokesperson David Cunliffe says. “Labour has been calling for an inquiry into potential rorts at Tai Poutini… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Investigations into tertiary institutions overdue
    A Tertiary Education Commission investigation into the Tai Poutini Polytechnic is overdue and should have been launched last year, Labour’s Associate Education (Tertiary) spokesperson David Cunliffe says. “Labour has been calling for an inquiry into potential rorts at Tai Poutini… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Where is the fair share for most New Zealanders?
    Most New Zealanders reading the news that chief executive pay has risen 12 per cent in the last year will be wondering when they are going to get their fair share, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “More and more… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Where is the fair share for most New Zealanders?
    Most New Zealanders reading the news that chief executive pay has risen 12 per cent in the last year will be wondering when they are going to get their fair share, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “More and more… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Mega media merger is bad news
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    GreensBy Gareth Hughes
    2 weeks ago
  • Mega media merger is bad news
    Some people call newspapers “tomorrow’s fish and chips” but this week’s news around a mega media merger is not an issue we should discard. Media giants Fairfax and APN News & Media announced they were in discussions to merge their… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes
    2 weeks ago
  • National puts Easter trading in the too hard basket
    All Labour MPs will vote against National’s move to leave Easter trading laws up to councils, Labour’s Workplace Relations spokesperson Iain-Lees Galloway says.  “Despite this being a conscience vote, Labour MPs are united in their opposition to the Government’s moves… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • National puts Easter trading in the too hard basket
    All Labour MPs will vote against National’s move to leave Easter trading laws up to councils, Labour’s Workplace Relations spokesperson Iain-Lees Galloway says.  “Despite this being a conscience vote, Labour MPs are united in their opposition to the Government’s moves… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Law Commission speaks up for domestic violence survivors
    I want to give kudos to the Minister for Justice for getting the Law Commission to review options for how our justice system responds when victims of domestic violence kill their partners. This is a relatively discrete piece of work… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie
    2 weeks ago

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