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ImperatorFish: UFB Project: Terms of Tender

Written By: - Date published: 6:34 pm, November 7th, 2013 - 9 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags: ,

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

UFB


This is a meaningless but pretty stock photo. Tenderers are invited to submit their own meaningless stock photos.

 

Thank you for expressing an interest in tendering for a contract in connection with our planned ultra-fast broadband project (“UFB Project”).

We have set out below the criteria you will need to meet in order to be awarded a UFB Project contract.

Other project information, including a specification for and description of the UFB Project, will follow shortly.

MAIN CRITERIA FOR CONSIDERATION

To be considered for the award of a UFB Project contract, tenderers will need to demonstrate:

  • a commitment to service excellence
  • a high level of technical expertise in the field of telecommunications
  • experience in organising and delivering on large-scale projects, and
  • an ability to supply the necessary resources and infrastructure required to meet project targets.

We will then take the cheapest bid.

OTHER CRITERIA

Value for money

The successful tenderer will need to show that their bid is competitive and demonstrates value for money for its shareholders, and enables the tenderer’s board of directors to justify their substantial fees. Our terms and conditions of tender make it clear that we will not necessarily award the contract to the lowest bidder, even though that is exactly what we will do.

When the lowest bidder undercuts everyone to such an extent that they cannot make money on the contract, we will bail them out.

It would assist with the tender process if you would bid absurdly low, so that when we select you and everything goes terribly wrong, leading to a government bailout, our Minister can still argue that overall the taxpayer got value for money.

Commitment to meet milestones

This is one of the largest infrastructure projects in New Zealand’s history, and the timeframes for delivery of the UFB Project are tight. It will therefore be critical for the successful tenderer to demonstrate that they have the capability to deliver on time and to specification, unless they come in cheaper than other tenderers, in which case we don’t mid a bit of slippage here or there and, when everything goes terribly wrong because you didn’t manage to take into account the possibility of an adverse Commerce Commission ruling, just let us know how much money you need from us and everything will be sweet.

Economic considerations

As the UFB Project involves the expenditure of substantial taxpayer funds, we reserve the right to take into consideration broader economic factors when determining who the successful tenderer is, such as the need to maintain monopolies.

We will end up awarding most of the work to a single provider, and when they threaten to default it will jeopardise the entire project. We will all act surprised when this happens, and our Minister will find a way to blame the Labour Party.

YOUR BID

We look forward to receiving your tender, unless you are not Chorus.

9 comments on “ImperatorFish: UFB Project: Terms of Tender”

  1. mickysavage 1

    As he often does Scott has made me wonder if I should be laughing hilariously or be deeply, deeply concerned …

  2. Anne 2

    That’s his brilliance. Inside the humorous satire there is always a serious message.

  3. BLiP 3

    . . . It will therefore be critical for the successful tenderer to demonstrate that they have the capability to deliver on time and to specification, unless they come in cheaper than other tenderers, in which case we don’t mid a bit of slippage here or there and, when everything goes terribly wrong because you didn’t manage to take into account the possibility of an adverse Commerce Commission ruling, just let us know how much money you need from us and everything will be sweet . . .

    Heh! More EPIC from Mr Fish. One thing, despite John Key’s lie to the contrary, Chorus did take into account the possibility of a negative Commerce Comission ruling.

    http://inthehouse.co.nz/node/21788

  4. photonz 4

    ImperatorFish says “We look forward to receiving your tender, unless you are not Chorus.”

    Obviously ignorant of the fact that 30% of the contract went to other providers.

    Talk about stupid – Duh!!!!

    • Tat Loo (CV) 4.1

      The bit players got the bits Chorus could not be bothered with. So?

    • One Anonymous Knucklehead 4.2

      Oh noes! A satirical blog got something wrong! Call the asshole brigade, no wait, here’s Photonz…

  5. red blooded 5

    Just so long as the Chorus shareholders don’t have to, like, take a RISK or pay for the ineptness of the managers of their company. After all, if anyone has to be out of pocket, far better for it to be me, you and all the millions of other NZers who won’t be making a profit out of the deal. We wouldn’t want The Market to Lose Confidence. Better that the taxpayer loses money bailing out the big boys.

  6. Claris Moses 6

    There is a good argument for nationalising broadband and in fact the whole telecommunications system. If telecom hadn’t been sold we wouldn’t be having this discussion at all.

    We would jointly own the monopolistic company and any funds donated to it would belong to the people.

    There wouldn’t be a risk that a shareholder owned company would tender then gouge out $95 million to give to shareholders instead of meeting its contractual commitments.

    We would hope that a government owned company could concentrate on the job at hand and use all of the gifted money to establish the network.

    Then there might not be the need for a targeted tax in the name of overcharged copper broadband.

    Is this an indication for the future where our power companies will tender for government initiated projects, then we will bail them out while the shareholders still get dividends? I hope not.

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