web analytics
The Standard

ImperatorFish: Unity!

Written By: - Date published: 11:59 am, January 12th, 2014 - 22 comments
Categories: humour, parody, Satire - Tags:

IF from the editorThere was a overwhelming compulsion to reproduce ImperatorFishs powerful message of unity for the left. No violence was involved, and despite rumours to the contrary, it was not sympathy for his tortured tale of a blogger and lawyer who was forced to enjoy himself at a beach house on the Coromandel. Being compelled to drink Signature brand tonic water was a disturbing concept that should have never been raised in a civilised society.

It’s not always easy being a highly successful and respected blogger of the left, let me tell you. A lot of people envy my success, but too many of them turn envy to bitterness. I have worked hard to get where I am today, but it doesn’t matter to those people. They hate me because I have something to say and I say it more powerfully than they can.

But that doesn’t matter, because I’m not going to play their game anymore. We on the left have a problem, and it’s a problem that very often keeps us from achieving the change we all so desperately want. Those fat cats on the right are cutting taxes, slashing welfare and institutionalising poverty for tens of thousands of ordinary New Zealanders, while we’re arguing and bickering over who on the left has the most utopian vision of the future. We need to be working together, not against one another!

So I’m turning over a new leaf. Call it my new year’s resolution, if you will. I’ve never fully understood why so many on the left feel the need to take potshots at me, but from now on I’m not going to fire back. I’m focusing on the future, and on working together with others on the left for victory.

So I don’t care about the poison being written by Josie Pagani about me, and I’m not going to let it affect me. This year I’m all about the love, which is why the writings of demented class traitors like Pagani just don’t matter. I’m focusing on what we have in common, rather than on the noxious opinions of that traitor and monster, which is why I won’t be making any more comments about that awful woman. I’m not going to play the old divide-and-lose game anymore. We must unite and stand together! So it doesn’t matter to me what terrible things that woman has said on that fascist radio station she speaks on occasionally, or what treasonous bile she has written on that site Pundit (yes, apparently that site still exists! But look how little traffic they get compared to my site. Why do they bother?).

2014 is an election year, and we need to be working together, not fighting amongst ourselves. So I offer you a truce, Josie Pagani. Let’s not fight like this. It doesn’t matter to me that you represent all that is wrong in the world, and that your failure to see the true path marks you as a despicable class traitor. We are still both of the left, even if you are most probably secretly working for the fascist right. Let’s work for victory in 2014.

I heard someone say “I don’t agree with anything Josie Pagani says about the Labour Party, but she seems like a nice person.” What demented tosh! How can anyone who takes issue with me or disagrees with me in any way be even remotely human? The fact that I am prepared to work with a diabolical creature of pure evil like Pagani demonstrates how determined I am for the left to win in 2014.

Some people in the past have accused me of hypocrisy in my calls for unity. They have criticised me for being abusive towards others on the left. But that’s simply untrue! I have always worked hard for the left, because I learned long ago that the only way to beat the right is to unite and stand together in solidarity. That’s why I sometimes get so angry when people accuse me of attacking others on the left. My reputation is important to me, so please let me know if you hear of anyone out there on the blogosphere attacking me or my reputation, so I can take action against the poisonous class traitors.

I am utterly determined to make 2014 the year the left returns to power. You won’t see any friendly fire from me this year, not even against that malicious wrecker and closet Tory, Josie Pagani. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard, and I vow to remain on friendly terms with the evil Russell Brown and his parasitic legion of followers at Public Address. And I won’t hear a single bad word said about that notorious villain and necromancer Giovanni Tiso.

So let us march in line towards victory, behind me, for I see the clearly the path we must follow. Only with unity and discipline can we win power and send these Tories back into opposition.

There will be plenty of time for debate about what we do with our power once we win it. That will also be the time to mend fences. Preferably using as building materials the bones of anyone who has wronged me, or disagreed with me in any way over any minor thing.

But for now, people, let us all unite. Your disgusting attitudes, your demented political views, and your purely Nazi ideology don’t matter to me, you despicable worthless scum, because we all want the same thing: victory for the left in 2014.

22 comments on “ImperatorFish: Unity!”

  1. QoT 1

    I confess, I snorted.

  2. veutoviper 2

    Brilliant! Waiting, waiting, waiting …………

  3. Tim 4

    Well there ya go – the reason IF is so good. Cynicism is great – indeed needed! – just as long as one can be just as cynical about oneself as they are others.
    …. of course, that’s something that evil bitch Paganini is incapable of :p. And as for her husband …. Geeez!
    ….. Oh plus she drives that fuckin awful status symbol on a bloody fishing licence!

  4. Will@Welly 5

    The sabre has been sharpened, the blunderbuss has fresh powder and ball, the battlements are manned, and the archers quivers are brim-full of arrows ready to fly straight to those causing disarray.
    The computer’s been purged of any miscreants that could cause it to crash, to get a virus, or to download some obnoxious email purporting to be friendly when we all know it’s some solicitous deviant just wanting to wind us up.
    As for the article, I simply doff my hat to your magnificence. Let the games begin.

  5. greywarbler 6

    Imperious Fishfingers, fall on those keys and Go for it.

  6. tricledrown 7

    Pagani is our Palin
    Hopefully palin into insignfigance.

  7. ianmac 8

    Wasn’t every person on board the Titanic united to a common purpose regardless of colour or creed? They ignored the trashy others who were on board didn’t they?
    But look what happened to them. Nearly all sank without trace into the chilly waters of obscurity.
    So. Be careful who you board with!

  8. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard…

    Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

    Attacking the blog site, or attributing a mind to a machine (ie talking about The Standard as if it had an opinion), or trying to imply that the computer that runs the site has some kind of mind control over authors and commentators is not allowed.

    Or maybe he was just referring to Mickey Savage … .

    • lprent 9.1

      Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

      Ummm shouldn’t there be some encouragement of science even amongst the legal eagles?

      Pond scum is a generic term for a variety of organisms – mostly algae. While it is a generic term often used as a pejorative (like the word “lawyers” or “used car salesmen”), it refers to a collection of *individual* organisms.

      The policy you were referring to was quite specific. It refers to treating the dumbarse computer program that runs the site as if it has a brain or an opinion, and optionally that it could influence the humans making comments and posts here. The post made no assertions about the opinions of the pond scum at TS.

      Now for your deficient education, that program has a few orders of magnitude less programming information than any individual organism making up pond-scum has genetic information (or indeed any living organism that we know of apart from a some parasitic RNA based viruses).

      Now I can see how comparing algae with lawyers could work. However I suspect that you, Scott, and Mickey actually could have opinions more advanced than pond scum. But of course discussing the intelligence levels of lawyers becomes a matter of opinion – something our site is dedicated to fostering with some limits.

      So no to your query.

      Of course one of those limits is listed in the self-martyrdom offenses…

      Abusing the sysop or post writers on their own site – including telling us how to run our site or what we should write. This is viewed as self-evident stupidity, and should be added as a category to the Darwin Awards.

      Of course there is that little grey area here because it is a guest post. Should I defend Scott as the author of the post? Or should I defend Micky as an author on the site?

      Of course I could avoid the question and divert on to questioning the intelligence levels of Law profs compared to algae? 😈

  9. Molly 10

    Damn. I like Signature brand tonic water…

    • veutoviper 10.1

      Must try it Molly – saw it on special at my local Countdown last week and dittered over whether to buy it or not.

  10. Murray Olsen 11

    Great post, Bomber.

  11. Northshoreguynz 12

    I’m a Gordon’s and Rawlings man, myself.

  12. ropata 13

    All these political parties on the left just cause confusion. Let’s all join together and make a party for all where a variety of views and attitudes are accepted …
    Ahh who am I kidding :roll:

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Housing crisis hurting export growth
    If Steven Joyce wants to revive his failing export growth target he needs to make sure the Government gets to grips with the housing crisis, says David Parker, Labour’s Export Growth and Trade spokesperson. “Our exporters are struggling to compete… ...
    2 days ago
  • Gallipoli’s lesson: never forget, never repeat
     A special monument to one of our greatest war heroes should be a priority for the new Pukeahu National War Memorial Park, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “This will honour the spirit of Lieutenant Colonel William Malone, who led 760… ...
    2 days ago
  • Minister for who? Women, or Team Key?
    Louise Upston yesterday broke her silence on John Key’s repeated unwanted touching of a woman who works at his local café, to jump to the defence of her Boss. Upston repeated Key’s apology but, according to media reports “she refused… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    2 days ago
  • Taxpayer bucks backing US billionaire
    Kiwis will be horrified to know they are backing a Team Oracle subsidiary owned by a US billionaire, Labour’s Sports and Recreation spokesperson Trevor Mallard says. It has been revealed today that a Warkworth boat building company, which is wholly… ...
    3 days ago
  • English’s sins of omission: ‘Nothing left to be done’ on housing
    When Bill English said ‘there is nothing left to be done’ on the Auckland housing crisis he had overlooked a few things – a few things, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says.  “He’s right if you ignore: ...
    3 days ago
  • Climate change now hurts Kiwis
    Kiwis have twice been given timely and grave warnings on how climate change will hit them in their hip pockets this week, says Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods.  “The first is the closure of the Sanford mussel plant and the… ...
    3 days ago
  • Clean, green and chocolate!
    Like many people I absolutely love chocolate! But until recently I hadn’t given much thought to how it was grown and produced. Fair trade and ethical food production are core Green Party principles, so yesterday Steffan Browning and I were… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    3 days ago
  • National admits loan shark law not up to it
    National has admitted new laws to crack down on loan sharks, truck shops and dodgy credit merchants aren’t up to the task of protecting vulnerable consumers, Labour’s Commerce spokesperson Kris Faafoi says. “Paul Goldsmith has acknowledged the laws might just… ...
    3 days ago
  • Power and the Prime Minister
    I’d like to acknowledge the young woman* who has publically told her story. It was a very brave thing to do. She kept her story very simple and focussed on her experience of what happened. It told of unwanted attention… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    3 days ago
  • Extra holiday offers time to reflect
    The Mondayisation of Anzac Day provides New Zealanders with an opportunity to spend more time with their families and their communities, Dunedin North Labour MP David Clark says. “This is the first time legislation I introduced, to have Anzac and… ...
    3 days ago
  • More angst and anguish for red zone locals
    Local residents will be bitterly disappointed by the Government’s cherry picking of the Supreme Court’s decision regarding compensation for red zoned property owners, Labour Canterbury Earthquake Recovery spokesperson and Port Hills MP Ruth Dyson says. “Home owners have taken all… ...
    4 days ago
  • Australia shows why we need a sovereign wealth fund now
    Australia has not managed its great mining boom well, says HSBC’s chief economist for Australia and New Zealand, Paul Bloxham. When times are good, governments need to save for the bad times that will inevitably follow, and this can be… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    4 days ago
  • Pure Water- pure rip off
    New Zealanders’ rights to fresh water must be protected before commercial allocations are given, but the Government is allowing resources to be taken, says Kelvin Davis MP for Te Tai Tokerau.  “The Government needs to resolve the issue of water… ...
    4 days ago
  • Cabinet paper reveals weak case for Iraq deployment
    A heavily redacted copy of a Cabinet paper on New Zealand’s military deployment to Iraq reveals how weak the case is for military involvement in that conflict, says Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff.  The paper warns that given the failure… ...
    4 days ago
  • Malaysia’s booty is Kiwis’ lost homeownership dream
    It’s unsurprising the Auckland property market is so overheated when Malaysians are being told they can live large on Kiwi’s hard-earned rent money, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “A Malaysian property website lists nearly 4000 New Zealand houses and… ...
    4 days ago
  • Ministry’s food safety resources slashed to the bone
    The Ministry for Primary Industries’ failure to monitor toxic and illegal chemicals in red meat is a dereliction of duty, Labour’s Primary Industries and Food Safety spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “MPI compliance officer Gary Orr today admitted National’s much-vaunted super… ...
    4 days ago
  • Ministry must protect organic food industry
    The Ministry for Primary Industries must take urgent action to protect New Zealand’s $150 million organic food and beverage industry by establishing a certification regime, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “Despite working with Organics Aotearoa on the issue… ...
    5 days ago
  • Tony Abbott, indigenous rights, and refugees
    This week, Tony Abbott has visited Aotearoa New Zealand, bringing with him his racist policies against indigenous Australians and his appalling record on refugee detention camps. Abbott has launched a policy “to close” remote aboriginal communities, which is about as… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    5 days ago
  • PM’s housing outburst bizarre
    Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford has described the Prime Minister’s latest comments on the Auckland housing crisis as bizarre. “John Key is deep in denial. He must be one of the only people left who are not concerned about the risk… ...
    6 days ago
  • Deflation: Another economic headache linked to housing crisis
    National’s housing crisis is causing even further damage with the second consecutive quarter of deflation a genuine concern the Reserve Bank can do little about, as it focusses on Auckland house prices, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “This is… ...
    6 days ago
  • Pot calling the kettle black over fossil fuel subsidies.
    Over the weekend alongside nine other countries the New Zealand Government has endorsed a statement that supports eliminating inefficient subsidies on fossil fuels. Fossil fuel subsidies are a big driver of increasing emissions. Good on the Government for working internationally… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    6 days ago
  • At last – a common sense plan for Christchurch
    The Common Sense Plan for Christchurch released by The People’s Choice today is a welcome relief from the shallow debate about rates rises versus asset sales, Labour’s Christchurch MPs say. "Local residents – who have spent weeks trawling through the… ...
    1 week ago
  • National must lead by example on climate change
    The National Government must meet its own climate change obligations before it preaches to the rest of the world, Labour's Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods says. "Calls today by Climate Change Minister Tim Groser for an end to fossil fuel… ...
    1 week ago
  • Biosecurity rethink a long time
    The Government has opened New Zealand’s borders to biosecurity risks and its rethinking of bag screening at airports is an admission of failure, Labour’s Primary Industries spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. Nathan Guy today announced a review of biosecurity systems in… ...
    1 week ago
  • Chinese rail workers must be paid minimum wage
    KiwiRail must immediately stop further Chinese engineers from working here until they can guarantee they are being paid the New Zealand minimum wage, Labour’s MP for Hutt South Trevor Mallard says. The Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment today released… ...
    1 week ago
  • Better consultation needed on Christchurch asset sales
    The Christchurch City Council (CCC) should be promoting wide and genuine public consultation on its draft ten year budget and plan given the serious implications for the city’s future of its proposed asset sales, outlined in the plan. Instead, it… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    1 week ago
  • ‘Healthy Families’ a good start but not enough to tackle obesity relate...
    Today the Government is making a the meal out of the launch of its ‘Healthy Families’ package to promote ‘healthier decisions’ and ‘changing mindsets’ over nutrition, physical activity and obesity. Great! The programme is based on a successful model from… ...
    GreensBy Kevin Hague MP
    1 week ago
  • ‘Healthy Families’ a good start but not enough to tackle obesity relate...
    Today the Government is making a the meal out of the launch of its ‘Healthy Families’ package to promote ‘healthier decisions’ and ‘changing mindsets’ over nutrition, physical activity and obesity. Great! The programme is based on a successful model from… ...
    GreensBy Kevin Hague MP
    1 week ago
  • No more sweet talk on obesity
    The Government should be looking at broader measures to combat obesity rather than re-hashing pre-announced initiatives, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says.  “While it is encouraging to see the Government finally waking from its slumber and restoring a focus on… ...
    1 week ago
  • Government two-faced on zero-hour contracts
    The Government should look to ban zero-hour contracts in its own back yard before getting too high and mighty about other employers using them, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. “Information collated by Labour shows at least three district health… ...
    1 week ago
  • Scrutiny of battlefield deaths should continue
    As New Zealand troops head to Iraq under a shroud of secrecy, the Government is pushing ahead with legislation to remove independent scrutiny of incidents where Kiwi soldiers are killed in hostile action overseas, Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff says.… ...
    1 week ago
  • Damp-free homes a right for tenants
    Labour is urging tenants to use a little known rule which gives them the right to live in damp-free rental homes. Otago University researchers have today highlighted the Housing Improvement Regulations 1947 as a way tenants can force landlords to… ...
    1 week ago
  • National must take action on speculators
    The Government must take action on property speculators who are damaging the housing market and shutting families and young people out of the home ownership dream, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “There are a number of options the Government could… ...
    1 week ago
  • Milk price halves: A $7b economic black hole
    Global milk prices have halved since the peak last year, creating an economic black hole of almost $7 billion that will suck in regions reliant on dairy, crucial industries and the Government’s books, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The… ...
    1 week ago
  • Kitchen plan set to swallow up health boards’ funds
    The financial impacts of implementing a proposal to outsource hospital food, forced on them by a crown-owned company which is now facing an auditor-general’s inquiry, are being felt by district health boards across the country, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Reserve Bank scathing of Government
    The Reserve Bank’s most scathing critique to date of National’s inability to handle the housing crisis shows the Bank is sick of having to pick up the pieces, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “John Key continues to deny there is… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Time for McDonald’s to upsize work hours
    Labour is calling on McDonald’s to have more respect for their workers and offer them more guaranteed work hours. McDonald’s is proposing to guarantee its workers 80 per cent of their rostered hours, Labour’s spokesperson for Labour Issues Iain Lees-Galloway… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Brownlee misses the boat on asbestos
    Gerry Brownlee has once again missed an opportunity to improve the lives of Cantabrians post-earthquakes, Labour’s Canterbury Earthquake Recovery spokesperson Ruth Dyson says. A new report from the Royal Society of New Zealand and the Prime Minister’s Chief Science Adviser,… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government must come clean on troop deployment and protections
    New Zealanders deserve more than to hear about their troops’ deployment overseas from Australian media, Opposition Leader Andrew Little says. “News from Australia that Kiwi troops are on their way to Iraq this week is another example of the culture… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Cancer prevention calls gain momentum
    Research showing bowel cancer treatment sucks up more public health dollars than other cancers once again highlights the need for a national screening programme, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. A study by Otago University, which found colon cancer is… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Burger King shows zero-hour contracts not needed
    The abandonment of zero-hour contracts by Burger King is further evidence good employers do not need to use them, Labour’s spokesperson on Labour Issues Iain Lees-Galloway says. "Congratulations to the Unite Union and Burger King for settling an employment agreement… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kiwis deserve more than reheats
    The Government looks set to rely on regurgitated announcements for this year’s Budget if today’s speech is anything to go by, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “National has been building up to this Budget for seven long years, promising a… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Landlords not cashing in on insulation schemes
    The fact so few landlords have taken up the generous taxpayer subsidy for retrofitting shows it is time to legislate minimum standards, says Labour’s Associate Housing spokesperson Poto Williams. “Many landlords aren’t using Government insulation schemes because they don’t want… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Zero excuses, end zero hour contracts now
    It’s time Workplace Relations Minister Michael Woodhouse cut the weasel words and banned zero hour contracts, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “Michael Woodhouse today acknowledged zero hour contracts are unfair. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • We’ve reached Peak Key with ‘artificial target’
    John Key’s attempt to redefine his cornerstone promise of two election campaigns as an artificial target suggests his other promises are works of fiction, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “For seven years and two election campaigns, John Key has… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Top 10 need to know facts on climate change
    All the numbers and stats around climate change can be confusing, so we’ve put together a handy list of the top 10 numbers about climate change that we should all know- and then do something about. You can sign up here to… ...
    GreensBy Frog
    2 weeks ago
  • Campbell Live a bastion of investigative journalism
    The announcement that current affairs programme Campbell Live is under review and may be axed has sparked outrage from the New Zealand public, for good reason, says Labour’s Broadcasting Spokesperson Clare Curran. “Investigative journalism is a precious resource in today’s… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Ground Zero for ‘disastrous’ contracts
    Yesterday the Green Party called on the Government to follow the leadership of Restaurant Brands and ditch zero-hour contracts. Currently it looks like the Government is a large part of the zero-hours problem. It allows these types of “non-jobs” to… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Trust in National will disappear with deficit
    Bill English is set to break his promise to get the books back in the black this year and lose the trust of Kiwis who have had to do it too hard for too long, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Dorothy Jelicich passes away
    It is with sincere sadness that the Labour Party conveys its sympathies and condolences to the bereaved family of Dorothy Jelicich who passed away last night at the age of 87 years, says the MP for Mangere, Su’a William Sio.… ...
    2 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere