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The Standard

ImperatorFish: Unity!

Written By: - Date published: 11:59 am, January 12th, 2014 - 22 comments
Categories: humour, parody, Satire - Tags:

IF from the editorThere was a overwhelming compulsion to reproduce ImperatorFishs powerful message of unity for the left. No violence was involved, and despite rumours to the contrary, it was not sympathy for his tortured tale of a blogger and lawyer who was forced to enjoy himself at a beach house on the Coromandel. Being compelled to drink Signature brand tonic water was a disturbing concept that should have never been raised in a civilised society.

It’s not always easy being a highly successful and respected blogger of the left, let me tell you. A lot of people envy my success, but too many of them turn envy to bitterness. I have worked hard to get where I am today, but it doesn’t matter to those people. They hate me because I have something to say and I say it more powerfully than they can.

But that doesn’t matter, because I’m not going to play their game anymore. We on the left have a problem, and it’s a problem that very often keeps us from achieving the change we all so desperately want. Those fat cats on the right are cutting taxes, slashing welfare and institutionalising poverty for tens of thousands of ordinary New Zealanders, while we’re arguing and bickering over who on the left has the most utopian vision of the future. We need to be working together, not against one another!

So I’m turning over a new leaf. Call it my new year’s resolution, if you will. I’ve never fully understood why so many on the left feel the need to take potshots at me, but from now on I’m not going to fire back. I’m focusing on the future, and on working together with others on the left for victory.

So I don’t care about the poison being written by Josie Pagani about me, and I’m not going to let it affect me. This year I’m all about the love, which is why the writings of demented class traitors like Pagani just don’t matter. I’m focusing on what we have in common, rather than on the noxious opinions of that traitor and monster, which is why I won’t be making any more comments about that awful woman. I’m not going to play the old divide-and-lose game anymore. We must unite and stand together! So it doesn’t matter to me what terrible things that woman has said on that fascist radio station she speaks on occasionally, or what treasonous bile she has written on that site Pundit (yes, apparently that site still exists! But look how little traffic they get compared to my site. Why do they bother?).

2014 is an election year, and we need to be working together, not fighting amongst ourselves. So I offer you a truce, Josie Pagani. Let’s not fight like this. It doesn’t matter to me that you represent all that is wrong in the world, and that your failure to see the true path marks you as a despicable class traitor. We are still both of the left, even if you are most probably secretly working for the fascist right. Let’s work for victory in 2014.

I heard someone say “I don’t agree with anything Josie Pagani says about the Labour Party, but she seems like a nice person.” What demented tosh! How can anyone who takes issue with me or disagrees with me in any way be even remotely human? The fact that I am prepared to work with a diabolical creature of pure evil like Pagani demonstrates how determined I am for the left to win in 2014.

Some people in the past have accused me of hypocrisy in my calls for unity. They have criticised me for being abusive towards others on the left. But that’s simply untrue! I have always worked hard for the left, because I learned long ago that the only way to beat the right is to unite and stand together in solidarity. That’s why I sometimes get so angry when people accuse me of attacking others on the left. My reputation is important to me, so please let me know if you hear of anyone out there on the blogosphere attacking me or my reputation, so I can take action against the poisonous class traitors.

I am utterly determined to make 2014 the year the left returns to power. You won’t see any friendly fire from me this year, not even against that malicious wrecker and closet Tory, Josie Pagani. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard, and I vow to remain on friendly terms with the evil Russell Brown and his parasitic legion of followers at Public Address. And I won’t hear a single bad word said about that notorious villain and necromancer Giovanni Tiso.

So let us march in line towards victory, behind me, for I see the clearly the path we must follow. Only with unity and discipline can we win power and send these Tories back into opposition.

There will be plenty of time for debate about what we do with our power once we win it. That will also be the time to mend fences. Preferably using as building materials the bones of anyone who has wronged me, or disagreed with me in any way over any minor thing.

But for now, people, let us all unite. Your disgusting attitudes, your demented political views, and your purely Nazi ideology don’t matter to me, you despicable worthless scum, because we all want the same thing: victory for the left in 2014.

22 comments on “ImperatorFish: Unity!”

  1. QoT 1

    I confess, I snorted.

  2. veutoviper 2

    Brilliant! Waiting, waiting, waiting …………

  3. Tim 4

    Well there ya go – the reason IF is so good. Cynicism is great – indeed needed! – just as long as one can be just as cynical about oneself as they are others.
    …. of course, that’s something that evil bitch Paganini is incapable of :p. And as for her husband …. Geeez!
    ….. Oh plus she drives that fuckin awful status symbol on a bloody fishing licence!

  4. Will@Welly 5

    The sabre has been sharpened, the blunderbuss has fresh powder and ball, the battlements are manned, and the archers quivers are brim-full of arrows ready to fly straight to those causing disarray.
    The computer’s been purged of any miscreants that could cause it to crash, to get a virus, or to download some obnoxious email purporting to be friendly when we all know it’s some solicitous deviant just wanting to wind us up.
    As for the article, I simply doff my hat to your magnificence. Let the games begin.

  5. greywarbler 6

    Imperious Fishfingers, fall on those keys and Go for it.

  6. tricledrown 7

    Pagani is our Palin
    Hopefully palin into insignfigance.

  7. ianmac 8

    Wasn’t every person on board the Titanic united to a common purpose regardless of colour or creed? They ignored the trashy others who were on board didn’t they?
    But look what happened to them. Nearly all sank without trace into the chilly waters of obscurity.
    So. Be careful who you board with!

  8. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard…

    Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

    Attacking the blog site, or attributing a mind to a machine (ie talking about The Standard as if it had an opinion), or trying to imply that the computer that runs the site has some kind of mind control over authors and commentators is not allowed.

    Or maybe he was just referring to Mickey Savage … .

    • lprent 9.1

      Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

      Ummm shouldn’t there be some encouragement of science even amongst the legal eagles?

      Pond scum is a generic term for a variety of organisms – mostly algae. While it is a generic term often used as a pejorative (like the word “lawyers” or “used car salesmen”), it refers to a collection of *individual* organisms.

      The policy you were referring to was quite specific. It refers to treating the dumbarse computer program that runs the site as if it has a brain or an opinion, and optionally that it could influence the humans making comments and posts here. The post made no assertions about the opinions of the pond scum at TS.

      Now for your deficient education, that program has a few orders of magnitude less programming information than any individual organism making up pond-scum has genetic information (or indeed any living organism that we know of apart from a some parasitic RNA based viruses).

      Now I can see how comparing algae with lawyers could work. However I suspect that you, Scott, and Mickey actually could have opinions more advanced than pond scum. But of course discussing the intelligence levels of lawyers becomes a matter of opinion – something our site is dedicated to fostering with some limits.

      So no to your query.

      Of course one of those limits is listed in the self-martyrdom offenses…

      Abusing the sysop or post writers on their own site – including telling us how to run our site or what we should write. This is viewed as self-evident stupidity, and should be added as a category to the Darwin Awards.

      Of course there is that little grey area here because it is a guest post. Should I defend Scott as the author of the post? Or should I defend Micky as an author on the site?

      Of course I could avoid the question and divert on to questioning the intelligence levels of Law profs compared to algae? 😈

  9. Molly 10

    Damn. I like Signature brand tonic water…

    • veutoviper 10.1

      Must try it Molly – saw it on special at my local Countdown last week and dittered over whether to buy it or not.

  10. Murray Olsen 11

    Great post, Bomber.

  11. Northshoreguynz 12

    I’m a Gordon’s and Rawlings man, myself.

  12. ropata 13

    All these political parties on the left just cause confusion. Let’s all join together and make a party for all where a variety of views and attitudes are accepted …
    Ahh who am I kidding :roll:

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    5 days ago
  • More than 27,000 new Kiwis in 2015
    This Waitangi Day, New Zealand will roll out the welcome mat to 24 new citizens at Government House, and acknowledge over 27,000 people who were granted citizenship last year. ...
    5 days ago
  • Demolition of 32 & 36 Glendevere Terrace
    Demolition of 32 & 36 Glendevere Terrace Land Information New Zealand (LINZ) and Southern Response today announced that the demolitions of 32 and 36 Glendevere Terrace, Redcliffs, Christchurch will begin next week. ...
    5 days ago
  • Next step in 2GP process
    Dunedin (Friday, 5 February 2016) – The next step in the process of establishing a new Dunedin City District Plan will be underway when further submissions are called for from 10 February. ...
    5 days ago
  • Next step in 2GP process
    Dunedin (Friday, 5 February 2016) – The next step in the process of establishing a new Dunedin City District Plan will be underway when further submissions are called for from 10 February. ...
    5 days ago
  • Report into diplomat debacle shows Ministers’ failures
    The report into the treatment of a diplomat found guilty of indecent assault highlights a failure of Government Ministers to show political leadership over sexual violence, the Green Party said today. ...
    5 days ago
  • Report into diplomat debacle shows Ministers’ failures
    The report into the treatment of a diplomat found guilty of indecent assault highlights a failure of Government Ministers to show political leadership over sexual violence, the Green Party said today. ...
    5 days ago
  • TPP Good News for New Zealand
    TPP Good News for New Zealand by Dr Llew Richards, chief executive of IANZ We all like to travel. We all buy stuff from overseas. But sometimes we pay up to twice the price for something in New Zealand that… ...
    5 days ago
  • TPP Good News for New Zealand
    TPP Good News for New Zealand by Dr Llew Richards, chief executive of IANZ We all like to travel. We all buy stuff from overseas. But sometimes we pay up to twice the price for something in New Zealand that… ...
    5 days ago
  • Council seeks submissions on bylaw amendment
    Palmerston North City Council is calling for submissions on a proposed amendment to the Signs and Use of Public Places Bylaw for Election Signs. ...
    5 days ago
  • Credit Ratings Agency Blackmails Christchurch City Council
    Credit Ratings Agency Blackmails Christchurch City Council on Asset Sales This story slipped by without comment from anyone in the Christmas rush. Better late than never. On December 8th the Press reported that: “Ratings agency Standard & Poor’s ...
    5 days ago
  • Ministry welcomes release of Whitehead Report
    The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade has welcomed the public release of the Whitehead report. ...
    5 days ago
  • TPP Agreement bad for democracy
    International Trade Union Confederation TPP Agreement bad for democracy, rights, public services and health Brussels, 4 February 2016 (ITUC OnLine): The ITUC has called the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPP) a major setback for employment ...
    5 days ago
  • TPP Agreement bad for democracy
    International Trade Union Confederation TPP Agreement bad for democracy, rights, public services and health Brussels, 4 February 2016 (ITUC OnLine): The ITUC has called the Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPP) a major setback for employment ...
    5 days ago
  • Peru signed the Trans-Pacific Partnership in NZ
    Thursday 4 February 2016 Press Release Peru's Foreign Trade and Tourism Minister Magali Silva has signed the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) agreement in New Zealand's city of Auckland today along with her counterparts from 11 Pacific countries. The ...
    5 days ago
  • Peru signed the Trans-Pacific Partnership in NZ
    Thursday 4 February 2016 Press Release Peru's Foreign Trade and Tourism Minister Magali Silva has signed the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) agreement in New Zealand's city of Auckland today along with her counterparts from 11 Pacific countries. The ...
    5 days ago
  • Protesters project giant message onto SkyCity
    Community organisations representing more than five and a half million people around the world have united to take joint action and express global opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership, as Trade Ministers sign the deal at SkyCity in Auckland. ...
    5 days ago
  • Protesters project giant message onto SkyCity
    Community organisations representing more than five and a half million people around the world have united to take joint action and express global opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership, as Trade Ministers sign the deal at SkyCity in Auckland. ...
    5 days ago
  • Reserve Bank highlights importance of market discipline
    Reserve Bank highlights importance of market discipline The Reserve Bank today highlighted the importance of market discipline as one of three pillars that help maintain the stability of financial institutions. In a speech this evening hosted by the NZ Bankers… ...
    5 days ago
  • Infrastructure to underpin development of the Northland regi
    “The release today of the Tai Tokerau Northland Economic Action Plan is strongly endorsed by the New Zealand Council for Infrastructure Development (NZCID) and will drive much needed employment, investment and growth in the region,” says NZCID ...
    6 days ago
  • Infrastructure to underpin development of the Northland regi
    “The release today of the Tai Tokerau Northland Economic Action Plan is strongly endorsed by the New Zealand Council for Infrastructure Development (NZCID) and will drive much needed employment, investment and growth in the region,” says NZCID ...
    6 days ago
  • Kiwis reject the TPPA
    Around 15,000 Kiwis marched down Queen Street today to protest against the signing of the TPPA. The march was loud, diverse, family-friendly, peaceful and passionate in its opposition to the TPPA. ...
    6 days ago
  • Kiwis reject the TPPA
    Around 15,000 Kiwis marched down Queen Street today to protest against the signing of the TPPA. The march was loud, diverse, family-friendly, peaceful and passionate in its opposition to the TPPA. ...
    6 days ago

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