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The Standard

John Key: The invisible man

Written By: - Date published: 7:52 am, December 12th, 2013 - 47 comments
Categories: john key, Minister for International Embarrassment, Minister for Photo-ops, Satire - Tags:

Fresh from his comedy career on Letterman, his rolling over puppy imitation for Warner Brothers, and other such high profile appearances. John Key has now taken to reprising the role of “The Man with No Name”.

3 News reported yesterday.


Prime Minister John Key has been labelled an “unidentified guest” at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service in a photograph published by a US media outlet.

The photo of Mr Key and British Prime Minister David Cameron appeared in a gallery on the New York Daily News website among a number of moving pictures from this morning’s ceremony.

It was captioned: “British Prime Minister David Cameron (R) laughs with an unidentified guest as he attends the official ceremony for the late South African president Nelson Mandela.”

Personally I think that the Queen of Thorns put it much more succinctly with this image

The kitten and John Key

He is a bit like that old advertisement for L&P – “World famous in New Zealand”.

47 comments on “John Key: The invisible man”

    • lprent 1.1

      Nah, just amused the hell out of me when I was reading the feed this morning.

      Let me see. He is the PM of NZ and Minister of Tourism. So some journos in one of our primary tourist sources know him as “Unidentified Guest”. They damn well knew who Helen Clark was.

      • infused 1.1.1

        She had a 24/7 sour face, so it was pretty hard to miss her.


        • Arfamo

          True. And Key has one of those faces you struggle to remember & describe when he’s just mugged you.

          • greywarbler


            • Arfamo

              Yeah, I dunno officer. He snuck up on me from behind, out of nowhere. He was wearing a pinstrip suit and a blue tie. He said something about a brighter future and then hit me over the head with a pokie machine. I saw a flash, so maybe that was the brighter future. I dunno. Anyway, before I knew what was happening I was on the ground, reeling, and the bugger was going through my wallet muttering about funding tax cuts this way and increasing gst, and selling government asses (or it might’ve been assets, I think he has a speech impediment). Then the bastard kicked my wife’s legs from under her, nicked the kids’ lunches, and disappeared at a fair rate of knots up the national cycleway.

              I saw the bugger again just yesterday in some photo taken at Mandela’s memorial service but whoever took that photo doesn’t know who the hell he is either. Good luck trying to catch him. He’s pretty slippery.

              • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill)


                • Arfamo

                  There were two witnesses, but I dunno if they’ll be any use to you. One of them said his name was Shearer but he said he missed the whole thing because he was playing his guitar at the time and umm…ahhh…suddenly remembered he usually played it the other way round.

                  The other was some bloke Cunliffe, but he said he was too busy on his cellphone trying to get hold of Parker and Goff and telling them to shut up for chrissakes than to pay attention to what was actually happening to a voter at the moment. He said he liked the guy’s suit but wasn’t all that impressed with his legwork.

                  • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill)

                    I daresay there were other people trying to help you too and I’ll bet the ‘unidentified man’ muttered something about money and rent-a-crowds – what a nuisance that people always gather around objecting to his muggings…same people…must be being paid to do that…mutter mutter….

                    • Arfamo

                      Initially I thought the mugger might’ve been drunk. He kept saying “act shilly, act shilly”. I said, I’m not fuckin acting silly you bastard, you’ve hit me over the head with a pokie machine and I’m tryin to figure out wtf you’re up to with my wallet while I’m still seein stars…

                    • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill)

                      😆 Tania (below) said it best – just sums it up

                  • greywarbler

                    Then they found the guy Cunliffe reeling saying that he had seen a double rainbow and what did it mean? Seems a nice guy but still a bit confused. When he settles down and works out the rainbow thing he’ll probably sharpen up.

              • Tania

                lol I love this Arfamo just sums it up lol

        • greywarbler

          She [Helen Clark} had a 24/7 ‘serious’ face….FIFY
          She took the job seriously, and within the limitations of the neo lib culture she was trying to maneourvre within, and the damaged Labour Party she was emerging from, she did a good job at holding the bridge against the ravaging NACT hordes. They were armed with slings and arrows, and any weapon that their cunning and narrow., power-focussed minds could conceive. What a Rosemary’s Baby that was.

        • yeshe

          Infused: What a vile comment you make. This elegant and erudite woman is mourning the loss of a friend. Perhaps you have no empathy for how that might feel.

          • The Gormless Fool formerly known as Oleolebiscuitbarrell

            You guys have to stop living in the past.

            The Glorious Reign is over.

            • Arfamo

              The Glorious Reign is over? You’re the one living in the past. Everybody knows Clark’s long gone. The country’s now being run by Louis XVI’s jester.

        • Pascal's bookie

          Frontpage mag eh?

          And you shall know them by their links.

  1. One Anonymous Knucklehead 2

    😆 @ QoT.

    Interesting body language in the other pic.

    • lprent 2.1

      Almost worth a caption contest…

      “Milly just expressed her opinion on my hand..”
      “Don’t touch the suit..”

      • One Anonymous Knucklehead 2.1.1

        “Don’t touch the suit” – spot on. “They’re getting so good at imitating us. God I hate these things, such a bore”.

  2. geoff 3

    Fuck he’s a try hard. A natural brown-noser.

  3. greywarbler 4

    I wonder if the black man in front is a South African Who Is Not Amused at the white pollies in the background. The constituency they represent are not their whole countries, but the ones whose minds go when Mandela is referred to, ‘Do I Care? I’ve just remembered that I don’t care, but have you heard the one about a black man, a white goat and a vuvuzela?

    • Colonial Viper 4.1

      As an aside, it seems Mugabe was very well received by the crowd. Interesting the different perspective we get delivered over here in the west huh.

  4. Steve 5

    I think the photo of Abbott,Key and Cameron on the TV3 site would be best for a caption contest.They are all having a cuppa,Abbott and Cameron are laughing and Key(in the middle) looks unimpressed.http://www.3news.co.nz/Politics.aspx check out popular.

  5. Puckish Rogue 6

    So David Cunliffe should have no problems becoming more popular then John Key then

    • Arfamo 6.1

      No he might have some problems there. John Key’s only popular with a minority of electors though. Let’s see what next year brings.

    • felix 6.2

      Hey Puck, Cunliffe hasn’t been desperately trying to convince NZ that he’s everyone’s best mate.

  6. Tracey 7

    Seems a trvial thing to devote a thread to. Unless they were laughing “cos the terrorist is finally gone” …. I apologise if I recall incorectly that cameron considered ma
    ndela a terrorist

  7. Will@Welly 8

    So our dear leader is worth………. nothing on the world stage. That appears about right for this egotistical moron. With Parliament breaking for the summer recess, I wont be surprised if he hardly acknowledges the outcome of the referendum, instead talking up how important and influential it was to be at Mandela’s funeral – if only he could remember.

  8. Brian 9

    I wish I could forget him so easily. Ah well – Cameron will be in opposition after the next election and Key will be somewhere else but not here. Silver linings

  9. Tracey 10

    How his popularity cld have jumped if he had said. I was pro tour. I was young and stupid. I realised the greatness of mandela and the cause when I became a man.

    I was 15 in 81. I believed what my parents believed that if half of nz wanted to play then that was democracy. Within a few short years I had changed my view.

  10. Tracey 11

    Caption should have read

    you should see what I have up my sleeve

  11. captain hook 12

    next year he will disappear completely and forever.
    abracadabra begone.

  12. Will@Welly 13

    Caption this: John Key arrives at Parliament on his first day, with “lunch.” Gareth Morgan nods approvingly in the background.

  13. ghostrider888 14

    Invisible? if only he’d disappear .

  14. adam 15

    John Doe!!!

    Thank my cuz for that one :)

  15. Craig Y 16

    Sadly, Key later fed Milly the Kitten to Gerry Brownlee.

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