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John Key’s emergency descent

Written By: - Date published: 11:22 am, February 12th, 2012 - 15 comments
Categories: brand key, humour, john key, parody, polls, Satire - Tags: ,

Andrea Vance and Lois Cairns of The Sunday Star Times report

A new UMR Research poll of 750 people shows the prime minister’s favourability rating dipped by 9 per cent between October and December of last year to its lowest level since January 2010.

The proportion of Kiwis who had a favourable opinion of Key has twice peaked at 81 per cent but the figure is now 63 per cent. The previous record was Helen Clark’s 78 per cent in April 2002.

That is one of the fastest drops I can recall in one of these polls – not that I really find them particularly relevant in political terms. The 2011 election campaign, short as it was, does seem to have exposed kiwis to the side of John Key that he’d prefer not to show.

The rest of the article is in the grand tradition and highest principles of journalism. How to munt a story together by joining nothing much with nothing much else because they refer to something similar…

It is about how John Key is preferred by rubber fetishists. Specifically Durex, the countries main supplier of condoms, has run a survey showing that their respondents rate John Key as being the sexiest politician. The mind boggles at even considering how they selected the ‘respondents’.

But I am not to be outdone in the pursuit of tastelessness and the irrelevant junction of stories by mere journalists.  I will end this post by linking to something from this mornings reading.  With as much congruence as linking idiotic polls together,  I will link what Durex’s main product is used on and another use for the same in the past.

Read this wee gem from a book review in The Economist (warning – not to be read by the weak of stomach):

For Boswell and many of his contemporaries, morals were “an uncertain thing”. The upper-middle-class members of the Beggar’s Benison club in Scotland, founded in 1732, apparently thought nothing of arranging meetings where they could drink, sing and fondle naked women. Such evenings were brought to a fitting climax, as it were, when they would communally ejaculate into a ceremonial pewter platter. The book is rich in anecdotes, funny, touching and seedy.

One wonders what in the hell they did with the results after the communal wank? The review “Pleasure Principles – The first sexual revolution” is on a book detailing the change in sexual morality in the 18th century.

But we can all see how linking these two stories together helps with the overall coherence of the post. Right?

15 comments on “John Key’s emergency descent”

  1. Uturn 1

    “…Durex, the countries main supplier of condoms, has run a survey showing that their respondents rate John Key as being the sexiest politician. The mind boggles at even considering how they selected the ‘respondents’.”

    Maybe they calculated where they could find a group of people who enjoyed being fucked over without any evidence to prove who had done it.

    Add the MSM to that list of people. They think their honeymoon with John ended at the Teapot Tapes, but John was fucking the bridesmaids before the marriage ceremony even began and everyone but the MSM bride knew about it.

  2. Treetop 2

    Shame the Durex poll did not ask about some National Party Ministers being hot, I would have put a yes to a couple of them and Key would not make the grade. I would stop short of voting for them!

    • Anita 2.1

      Now I’m curious… which National Ministers are hotter than John Key? (I feel a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party conversation coming on 😉

      • Treetop 2.1.1

        It’s all in the voice and they are not mad hatters material.

        • Anita

          Sorry, slightly obscure reference:

          `Take some more tea,’ the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.

          `I’ve had nothing yet,’ Alice replied in an offended tone, `so I can’t take more.’

          `You mean you can’t take less,’ said the Hatter: `it’s very easy to take more than nothing.’

          In the voice… being interviewed on Morning Report is clearly a hot free zone, cos I’m missing it there :)

  3. Smithers 3

    lol @ Durex condom users being “rubber fetishists”. Using a condom makes you a “rubber fetishist”? And I thought I was just practicing safer sex…

    • QoT 3.1

      Not to mention Durex is the absolute bog-standard for condom brands – it’s what you get if you get condoms on prescription, for example.

  4. seeker 4


    “The rest of the article is in the grand tradition and highest principles of journalism.”

    Thanks for this clever and amusing post. It has has had the “gaviscon’ effect on my rather dyspepsic response to Vance and Cairns tasteless, fawning, ‘pin up idol worship of Key’ article. Vance has written a similar one in the past and Tracy Watkins, has written very fondly of him at times. What do they see in Key? Are they so desperate?

  5. Ordinary_Bloke 5

    Hint: which National Party ministers have had a spring in their step recently ?

  6. seeker 6

    Apologies for some of my above 4 comment-edit did not seem to work. Corrections as follows-
    “fawning, ‘pinup’ worship of Key article”

    And link to Vance’s article that I was reminded of:

    And my comment was also meant to read that Tracy Watkins has written fondly of Key in the past, but could not find the article where she said he had done everything perfectly in his response to our tragedies, perhaps she has correctly deleted it now. I mentally added to the end of that sycophantic article, NOT.

  7. Populuxe1 7

    It is a little known fact, but rather a large amount of Beggars Benison artifacts made their way to the Canterbury Museum in Christchurch, including a rather peculiar punch bowl decorated with winged phalluses carrying purses… The strangest things can be found in museum storage

    • lprent 7.1

      That is hilarious…in NZ….

      It amused me when I read it in the morning. And it seemed like an appropiate juxtaposition to illustrate my dislike of the article style.

  8. Bunnykinz 8

    You need to learn to read between the lines with surveys such as this. See, Durex and the Sunday Star Times reports that “the results of a separate poll, released today by Durex, show Key is the nation’s sexiest politician for the third year in a row. He got the nod of approval from 39 per cent of respondents. New Labour leader David Shearer rated just 3 per cent.”

    But what I read is “39 per cent of respondents incapable of naming another politician other than John Key”.

    The other thing I find problematic about this report, is it seems to use the words “sexy” and “favourable” interchangeably. These two concepts are not the same thing.

  9. Ordinary_Bloke 9

    With friends like these, who needs enemies ?

    “Lord Ashcroft under scrutiny again”


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