web analytics
The Standard

Key and English – best of friends.

Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
Categories: bill english, john key, Satire - Tags:

By Tracey Watshite, Cadet Reporter.

In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews.

In the last week, Key has been interviewed by Tracy Watkins twice and appeared on the cutting edge TVNZ political programme Q and A. In all three media stints, Key was accompanied by Bill English.

Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament, especially the Speaker, David Carter” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on.

When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis, Key said “Yes the voters really want to know this stuff. It is a major issue that troubles New Zealanders from all walks of live, even beneficiaries and those on low wages and frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.

Key cited television shows such as the Marc Ellis and Matthew Ridge show, which was extremely popular in the 1990’s as to how important this sort of male “bromance” is to New Zealanders.  “Look those guys even got an advertising gig from Fresh Up and Matthew pulled super-model Nicki Watson”

 When challenged that that there might be a deeper motive to Key taking English along to media gigs, Key admitted that the questions in parliament seemed to be getting a quite a bit harder since around September and so he had decided it was safer to take Bill with him to interviews. “ Bill is actually capable of answering a question”. Key added “while my usual approach is just to laugh things off, I suspect the public could grow a little weary of this”.

Key added with the high calibre of comedy shows on tvnz, being a funny guy had become, well really quite competitive. Part of National’s strategy was now to convince voters that I am a serious guy and that there is more to running a country than having a laugh”.

When asked if he and English would be approaching electioneering as a comedy duo, Key looked shocked and stated “We can’t. Bill isn’t funny. It not going to happen”. However Key did hint at National establishing a new t.v. quiz show to appear on TV2 in the New Year, called Opportunity Knocks.

In this multinational companies will go through a tendering process where they try to undercut each other to procure a government contract. “Its a money or the bag type scenario” said Key.  “They have the choice of tax payers money to bail them out or gaining competitive advantages, such as extra pokie machines as in the Sky City Casino deal. These a lot of competition in the National caucus to be the host.  But I do think with my credentials in money trading, I am the right guy for the job though”.

Susan Nact

34 comments on “Key and English – best of friends.”

  1. dv 1

    Well done Scot Yorke.
    You are on fire.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    alas, not Smith and Jones.

  3. irascible 3

    Unfortunately, while this is headed as satire, with Crosby-Textor advising Key this could easily become a strategy to divert the MSM from reality and thus allow National to campaign on good “chrustun values ” of loving one’s “brother”in an effort to garner the conservative vote.

    • Chris 3.1

      I would have thought loving ones “brother” would have the connies running the other direction fast :)

  4. ianmac 4

    Well Miss Whatshite. I being a bit naive thought the article sounded about right. It does sum up our perception including the number of times that Questions addressed to the PM gets shunted over to Mr English as he has a much more fluent form of digression.
    Ummm.Dunno. It might be a true and fair item. Might be a new page in journalism? Yeah? Nah!

  5. Rogue Trooper 5

    more like Stan and Ollie!

    • Tim 5.1

      another fine mess they’ve gotten into as well!

      But the proposition is actually quite true – they prop each other up. The semi-trad pok-faced Mr Rugged (Mr Muddle New Zull, with a “bruthaaaah” that pops up occasionally – hitting the political dance floor with a Mr Krismetic esprayshun)
      Double Ekt
      Smith and Jones
      Ronnie C and Ronnie B

      In the words of a former Labour pardy media whore: each “tends to agree” with the other.
      Not only that – they’re down with the kuds

      As I write (and as I watch tree news) … there’s a Key quote ta go with Mr Krismetuk:
      Wool senz loik weasill worts tummy

      (referring to whether or not Labour will buy bek essits)

  6. Rogue Trooper 6

    see ‘Satire’ tag, sweet!

  7. Rodel 7

    More like these two.
    (From Wikipedia)
    “Beavis has an underbite and a fixed countenance, which is almost always shown in 3/4 view. Like Butt-head, Beavis compulsively laughs and grunts. He also has a habit of picking his nose….despite his obliviousness to what should be obvious, he is prone to moments of insight.”

    “Butt-head has squinty eyes and a drooping nose…Butt-Head is oblivious to subtlety of any sort and is usually completely confident in everything he says and does, no matter how ridiculous or frivolous it is..”
    -but which is which?

    • Rogue Trooper 7.1

      :-D, that is clever Rodel, possibly the latter is the former of the Post title.

    • Tim 7.2

      – but which is which?
      Hard to tell aside from the fek thet one’s the boss and the skin is 2oIC
      Not unlike what might be ahead
      A collins and a bennet

      If there is a God, show yourself NOW! (There’s a Finlayson that’s doing a pretty bad impersonation of you – and btw God – I know that even in your darkest hour, you neither aspired to be a Queen, or bitter).
      Not sure how you felt about being old and geriatric but please – let us know

  8. Ad 8

    In a related move, Cunliffe and Parker have replaced all images of themselves with two dry Weetbix.

    They said “This is going to help us establish the brand as two serious policy-focussed guys who are nothing like the Colin Mathura-Jaffrey lookalikes on the opposing benches.”

    Mothers with babies in the streets were all convinced when interviwed by Campbell on TV3 that “Yes they taste just like Labour: that traditional dry humourless crunch that’s so good for digestion.”

    The Two Weetbix have also established the new Slightly New Zealand Think Tank to come up with “Slightly better ideas for a Slightly Better New Zealand.” Colin Meads has been appointed Interim Chief Executive for a bit of solidity in the front row. Colin said it “Just felt so solid.”

    The Two Weetbix, as they prefer to be known, were confident they would please everyone, principally through regular, solid and long bowel movements.

    As a result Labour’s Climate Change policy has been significantly altered since when Weetbix Number 2 enters any room every available drop of moisture is sucked out, and when Weetbix Number 1 enters the room all available oxygen is sucked up. This is causing observed barymetric fluctuation across the southern Pacific and altering WPCC4 modelling and forecasts.

    The Two Weetbix have also agreed that they will clearly differentiate their List Selection process from National – which consists of locking all contenders in a shipping container overnight throwing in a knife and opening the door in the morning to determine who remains – with a speed dating service in which they book out Bellamy’s and every Labour caucus member will date and kiss every other caucus member until they all agree who they want to go out with again and in what order.

    A spokesperson for Mr Cunliffe said that “Our new One-Two Weetbix format is allowing proper goodness to to be fed to everyone on schedule, and stool production is long and solid as a result.”

    When asked if The Two Weetbix would ever, like, show up to the next boxing match, the races, the Women’s Weekly Christmas drinks or indeed anything of interest beyond the Sunday morning listenership of National Radio, a spokesperson, replied, “The humour department is just down the hall.”

  9. Will@Welly 9

    A great debut by your cadet reporter. Runs and trots it is. Key’s mouth as always runs away with itself, and English canters up behind cleaning up the mess. As for any bromanch, National’s always closeted those away from the public gaze.

    • Thank you, but its my second article. You might want to read my first article “Bob Jones helps the police on the Standard Blog………………scroll down!

      [lprent: Or link. ]

      • Will@Welly 9.1.1

        I did then, and again tonight – ouch. It’s not a topic I really want to laugh about. And I’m not talking about Bob Jones.

        • susan nact 9.1.1.1

          Yes I understand that, i.e. not wanting to laugh about it. Useful feedback for me.

          But I did want to satirize Jones for his self important views.

  10. BrucetheMoose 10

    Probably a wise choice as turning up with Brownlee was looking a little too Laurel and Hardy like.

  11. Crunchtime 11

    I actually got most of the way through this before I realised it was satire. It’s about as ridiculous as the political news coverage really is these days, possibly less so in some cases.

  12. Jenny 12

    Maybe Mr Enlish is John Key’s McKenzie friend.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Labour mourns Dame Dorothy Fraser
    Labour Leader Andrew Little said the party is today mourning the loss of the youngest person to join the Labour Party, Dame Dorothy Fraser, who went on to be a stalwart of the Dunedin community and tireless worker for others.… ...
    18 hours ago
  • The ultimate scapegoat: PM blames fruit fly for new tax
    The Prime Minister has found the ultimate scapegoat for breaking his promise not to introduce a new tax – the Queensland fruit fly, Labour’s Biosecurity spokesperson Damien O’Connor says. “John Key’s first policy upon taking office and assigning himself the… ...
    20 hours ago
  • How many victims missing out on protection?
    Hundreds of domestic abuse victims could be missing out on getting protection orders because they are unable to get legal aid, Labour’s Justice spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says.“In the last two years some 351 people who applied for legal aid for… ...
    3 days ago
  • Government kicks hardworking whanau
    A major incentive to help young Kiwis and people on low incomes to start saving has been kicked out from under them with the National-led Government ramming through short-sighted legislation under Urgency today, Labour’s Maori Development Spokesperson Nanaia Mahuta says.… ...
    3 days ago
  • Speculator tax political stunt gone wrong
    Bill English’s admission he doesn’t know whether National’s new speculator tax will have any effect shows last weekend’s announcement by the Prime Minister was a desperate political stunt, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “This Government is so desperate to… ...
    3 days ago
  • The value of parenting
    This week, as part of the Budget, the government introduced a bill to address child poverty. This bill will require parents receiving income support to look for part-time work once their youngest child is three years of age rather than… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    3 days ago
  • Another new tax, another broken promise
    National has unveiled yet another new tax in this budget – a rural broadband levy that will almost certainly result in an immediate price hike for internet and telephone connections across New Zealand, Labour’s ICT spokesperson Clare Curran said “The… ...
    4 days ago
  • Anniversary of Sri Lankan Tamil Massacre
    This is not going to be a happy story but if the Green Party of Aotearoa doesn’t want to know who else will? May 18th marks the anniversary of what is known as the ‘Mullivaikal massacre’ of Tamils in 2009 at… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    4 days ago
  • Labour MPs join youth to take part in 40 hour famine
    A team of Labour MPs took part in the 2015 World Vision 40 hour famine and we were told by World Vision and the young people, that it was the first time MPs had joined them and how appreciative they… ...
    4 days ago
  • Rodeo: ‘Family entertainment’ or animal abuse?
    Recently  TVNZ ran a story with confronting footage showing rodeo animals being punched, repeatedly shocked with electronic prods and having their tails violently twisted over their backs. It was clear that significant force was being used behind the scenes to make… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    4 days ago
  • Budget puts the squeeze on police
    The Government has cut funding to the New Zealand police force in the latest Budget, says Labour’s Police spokesperson Kelvin Davis. “The reduction is a whopping $15.3 million that could put front line officers at risk. ...
    4 days ago
  • Crucial social services take another hit
    The Government looks set to slash half a million dollars of funding for critical social services, including Women’s Refuge and Barnados, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni “Taking $500,000 from organisations aimed at improving the lives of vulnerable families… ...
    4 days ago
  • Saying it Loud on Climate in Christchurch
    The Government’s Christchurch consultation meeting on New Zealand’s emission targets was inspiring – not for what was in the Ministry for the Environment’s (MFE’s) defeatist video about the obstacles to changing to a low carbon future, but for what the… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    4 days ago
  • Budget silent on small business
    The Government has completely ignored one of the most important sectors of the economy – small and medium-sized enterprises – in Budget 2015, Labour’s Small Business spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says. "A stunning 41 per cent of jobs were created by… ...
    4 days ago
  • Thank you John, it’s been bloody marvellous
    The departure of John Campbell is a blow to current affairs investigative journalism, Labour’s Broadcasting Spokesperson Clare Curran says. “Campbell Live stood out in its field. Its axing comes as local broadcasting in New Zealand remains in a state of… ...
    4 days ago
  • KiwiSaver cut shows no long-term plan
    National’s cutting of the KiwiSaver kickstart is incredibly short-term thinking, typical of a Budget that is woefully short on ideas to generate wealth and opportunity, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “New Zealand’s savings rate is far too low. KiwiSaver… ...
    4 days ago
  • National hits the panic button for its 7th Budget
    National has hit the panic button for its 7th Budget in a desperate attempt to look like they’re taking action to reduce our shameful child poverty rates, but they are giving with one hand and taking with the other, Opposition… ...
    5 days ago
  • Panic and back-flips can’t hide twin deficits
    National’s token measures to fight fires they have left burning for seven long years can’t hide a Budget that is long on broken promises, short on vision and fails to reach surplus, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “After being… ...
    5 days ago
  • Auckland land measure seven years too late
    National are so desperate to look like they are doing something about the Auckland housing crisis they have dusted off Labour’s 2008 inventory of government land available for housing and re-announced it, says Labour’s housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “Despite National… ...
    5 days ago
  • Access to gender reassignment surgery essential
    I was frankly disgusted to hear the Minister for Health say that funding gender reassignment surgeries is a “nutty idea”. A recent study found that in New Zealand 1% of young people identified themselves as transgender, and 3% were unsure… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    6 days ago
  • Global milk prices now lowest in 6 years
    The latest fall in the global dairy price has brought it to the lowest level in six years and shows there must be meaningful action in tomorrow’s Budget to diversify the economy, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Dairy prices… ...
    6 days ago
  • Big risks as CYF checks stopped
    Revelations that Child, Youth and Family is no longer assisting home-based early childhood educators by vetting potential employees should set alarm bells ringing, Labour Children’s spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says. “Doing away with an extra mechanism for checking potential new employees… ...
    7 days ago
  • Housing crisis about real people not numbers
    The Government’s continued failure to tackle the housing crisis is seeing thousands of vulnerable Kiwis being kept off social housing waiting lists, while others, who are on the list, are being forced to live in cars and garages, says Labour’s… ...
    7 days ago
  • Housing crisis about real people not numbers
    The Government’s continued failure to tackle the housing crisis is seeing thousands of vulnerable Kiwis being kept off social housing waiting lists, while others, who are on the list, are being forced to live in cars and garages, says Labour’s… ...
    7 days ago
  • State of origin
    Kiwis are increasingly concerned about the food they give their families. New Zealand consumers have the right to know where their food has come from, particularly when it involves animals, and should be able to expect our Government to label… ...
    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    7 days ago
  • Relationships Aotearoa
    It is disturbing that Relationships Aotearoa, a voluntary organisation set up in 1949 to help couples struggling with their relationships following the upheavals of World War II, may be forced to close, says Acting Spokesperson for the Voluntary and Community… ...
    7 days ago
  • An economy that is just working for some is an economy that is not working
    The National Party presents itself as a great manager of the economy, but if the economy is only working for some we really need to question that assertion. Alongside the perpetually elusive surplus, the levels of risk in our economy are… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    7 days ago
  • An economy that is just working for some is an economy that is not working
    The National Party presents itself as a great manager of the economy, but if the economy is only working for some we really need to question that assertion. Alongside the perpetually elusive surplus, the levels of risk in our economy are… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    7 days ago
  • House prices to a crack $1 million in 17 months
    The average Auckland home is on track to cost $1 million in 17 months’ time if nothing substantial is done to rein in soaring price rises, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Auckland’s house prices have skyrocketed 63 per cent… ...
    1 week ago
  • Vital support services can’t be left in lurch
    The National Government has big questions to answer about how a provider of services to thousands of vulnerable New Zealanders is set to fold, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. Relationships Aotearoa which provides support and counselling to families, individuals… ...
    1 week ago
  • Treasury and IRD on a capital gains tax
    Both the Treasury and IRD have been advising the National Government on the benefits of a capital gains tax. Documents released to the Green Party under an Official Information Act request show that John Key has been selective with the… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    1 week ago
  • Charity legislation needs review
    It is unacceptable that the big corporate based charities claim  millions in annual income tax exemptions, while small community based and operated non-profit organisations  struggle to gain official charity status, Labour’s acting spokesperson for the Voluntary and Community Sector Louisa… ...
    1 week ago
  • John’s panic-Key response to housing crisis
    John Key needs to tell New Zealanders what caused his sudden change of heart that led to the Government’s scrambled and last-minute housing measures, Opposition Leader Andrew Little says. “The Prime Minister’s sudden rush of blood to his head followed… ...
    1 week ago
  • Keep our Assets Christchurch Campaign: An update
    I recently presented my submission to keep Christchurch Council assets at the Christchurch City Council’s public hearings on its 10 year plan on 13 May. The hearings are live-streamed and recorded so you can watch them on www.ccc.govt.nz. The Council’s… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    1 week ago
  • John Key finally admits there’s a housing crisis
    John Key’s weak measures to rein in the astronomical profits property speculators are making are an admission – finally – that there is a housing crisis, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “But yet again National is tinkering with the housing… ...
    1 week ago
  • Government stifles voices in CYFs review
    The Government’s exclusion of the Māori Women’s Welfare League in a panel on the future of CYFs is a cynical ploy to stifle views, says Labour’s Māori Development Spokesperson Nanaia Mahuta. “It's unbelievable that a significant review on the future… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Speech to the Otago Chamber of Commerce
    Thank you very much for the opportunity to be here today. It’s a pleasure as always to be back in the town that raised me. Growing up in St Kilda meant that there was one thing that was a big… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Key can’t just be Prime Minister for Parnell
    John Key must show New Zealanders in next week’s Budget that he is more than the Prime Minister for Parnell, and is also the Prime Minister for Pine Hill, Putararu and Palmerston North, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. In… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Stop the conversions
    This week, some Waikato locals took me and intrepid photographer Amanda Rogers on a tour of some  lakes and waterways in their region, and up to the massive dairy conversions in the upper catchment of the Waikato River. It… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    2 weeks ago
  • More regional jobs go in Corrections reshape
    News that 194 Corrections staff are to lose their jobs will have ramifications not only for them and their families but for the wider community, Labour’s Corrections spokesperson Kelvin Davis says. Prison units at Waikeria, Tongariro and Rimutaka face closure… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government’s climate meetings off to a bumpy start
    On Wednesday, I attended a hui and an evening meeting that the Government had organised in Nelson as part of its climate change consultation tour, to support the Nelson community telling the Government to take meaningful action on climate change.… ...
    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Taxpayers the only ones left feeling blue
    Ministry of Social Development bosses could have saved themselves thousands of dollars in consultants’ fees by providing staff with rose-tinted spectacles, Labour’s State Services spokesperson Kris Faafoi says. A report out today reveals the Ministry is spending over half a… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Why are the regions still facing restrictions?
    Labour's Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford is questioning why the regions should continue to be saddled with LVR lending restrictions announced by the Reserve Bank today. “Labour has been calling for the regions to be exempted from LVRs for the best… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • The high costs of weak environmental regulation
    Te Waihora/Lake Ellesmere is described on the Department of Conservation website as “Canterbury’s largest and New Zealand’s fifth largest [lake], and an internationally important wildlife area.” But the lake is also polluted by nutrients leaching from farms in the catchment.… ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Submissions to Wellington City Council on their Gambling Venues Policy
    Every three years Councils across the country are required to check that their gambling venue policies are still fit for purpose and they can choose to consult on their policy if they are thinking of making changes. Councils don’t have… ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Reserve Bank action shows Govt out of touch and out of ideas
    The Reserve Bank’s unprecedented measures today show it understands the serious risks of the overheating housing market – in complete contrast to John Key’s refusal to acknowledge the crisis, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “The Bank is right to… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Send us your snaps: 25 Years of the Green Party
    This year we've hit a milestone. We're turning 25.To help celebrate a quarter of a century, please send us your photos from the last 25 years of the Green Party Aotearoa New Zealand! Note: Photos must be jpg, gif or… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • 25 Years of the Green Party
    This year the Green Party sends 25. To help us celebrate a quarter of a century please send us you photos of 25 years of the Green Party!Photos must be jpg,gif or png and smaller than 2MB. If you are… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Bay growth plan too little too late
    Today’s Bay of Plenty growth study from MBIE is another example of Government spin - lots of talk but little action, says Labour’s Regional Development spokesperson David Cunliffe.  “This is a region that desperately needs to develop the downstream processing… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government bows to ACC pressure
     The Government has finally buckled to pressure from Labour and the New Zealand public in making a half billion dollar cut to ACC levies, but the full benefits are two years away,” says Opposition Leader Andrew Little.  “$500 million over… ...
    2 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere