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Key and English – best of friends.

Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
Categories: bill english, john key, Satire - Tags:

By Tracey Watshite, Cadet Reporter.

In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews.

In the last week, Key has been interviewed by Tracy Watkins twice and appeared on the cutting edge TVNZ political programme Q and A. In all three media stints, Key was accompanied by Bill English.

Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament, especially the Speaker, David Carter” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on.

When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis, Key said “Yes the voters really want to know this stuff. It is a major issue that troubles New Zealanders from all walks of live, even beneficiaries and those on low wages and frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.

Key cited television shows such as the Marc Ellis and Matthew Ridge show, which was extremely popular in the 1990’s as to how important this sort of male “bromance” is to New Zealanders.  “Look those guys even got an advertising gig from Fresh Up and Matthew pulled super-model Nicki Watson”

 When challenged that that there might be a deeper motive to Key taking English along to media gigs, Key admitted that the questions in parliament seemed to be getting a quite a bit harder since around September and so he had decided it was safer to take Bill with him to interviews. “ Bill is actually capable of answering a question”. Key added “while my usual approach is just to laugh things off, I suspect the public could grow a little weary of this”.

Key added with the high calibre of comedy shows on tvnz, being a funny guy had become, well really quite competitive. Part of National’s strategy was now to convince voters that I am a serious guy and that there is more to running a country than having a laugh”.

When asked if he and English would be approaching electioneering as a comedy duo, Key looked shocked and stated “We can’t. Bill isn’t funny. It not going to happen”. However Key did hint at National establishing a new t.v. quiz show to appear on TV2 in the New Year, called Opportunity Knocks.

In this multinational companies will go through a tendering process where they try to undercut each other to procure a government contract. “Its a money or the bag type scenario” said Key.  “They have the choice of tax payers money to bail them out or gaining competitive advantages, such as extra pokie machines as in the Sky City Casino deal. These a lot of competition in the National caucus to be the host.  But I do think with my credentials in money trading, I am the right guy for the job though”.

Susan Nact

34 comments on “Key and English – best of friends.”

  1. dv 1

    Well done Scot Yorke.
    You are on fire.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    alas, not Smith and Jones.

  3. irascible 3

    Unfortunately, while this is headed as satire, with Crosby-Textor advising Key this could easily become a strategy to divert the MSM from reality and thus allow National to campaign on good “chrustun values ” of loving one’s “brother”in an effort to garner the conservative vote.

    • Chris 3.1

      I would have thought loving ones “brother” would have the connies running the other direction fast 🙂

  4. ianmac 4

    Well Miss Whatshite. I being a bit naive thought the article sounded about right. It does sum up our perception including the number of times that Questions addressed to the PM gets shunted over to Mr English as he has a much more fluent form of digression.
    Ummm.Dunno. It might be a true and fair item. Might be a new page in journalism? Yeah? Nah!

  5. Rogue Trooper 5

    more like Stan and Ollie!

    • Tim 5.1

      another fine mess they’ve gotten into as well!

      But the proposition is actually quite true – they prop each other up. The semi-trad pok-faced Mr Rugged (Mr Muddle New Zull, with a “bruthaaaah” that pops up occasionally – hitting the political dance floor with a Mr Krismetic esprayshun)
      Double Ekt
      Smith and Jones
      Ronnie C and Ronnie B

      In the words of a former Labour pardy media whore: each “tends to agree” with the other.
      Not only that – they’re down with the kuds

      As I write (and as I watch tree news) … there’s a Key quote ta go with Mr Krismetuk:
      Wool senz loik weasill worts tummy

      (referring to whether or not Labour will buy bek essits)

  6. Rogue Trooper 6

    see ‘Satire’ tag, sweet!

  7. Rodel 7

    More like these two.
    (From Wikipedia)
    “Beavis has an underbite and a fixed countenance, which is almost always shown in 3/4 view. Like Butt-head, Beavis compulsively laughs and grunts. He also has a habit of picking his nose….despite his obliviousness to what should be obvious, he is prone to moments of insight.”

    “Butt-head has squinty eyes and a drooping nose…Butt-Head is oblivious to subtlety of any sort and is usually completely confident in everything he says and does, no matter how ridiculous or frivolous it is..”
    -but which is which?

    • Rogue Trooper 7.1

      :-D, that is clever Rodel, possibly the latter is the former of the Post title.

    • Tim 7.2

      – but which is which?
      Hard to tell aside from the fek thet one’s the boss and the skin is 2oIC
      Not unlike what might be ahead
      A collins and a bennet

      If there is a God, show yourself NOW! (There’s a Finlayson that’s doing a pretty bad impersonation of you – and btw God – I know that even in your darkest hour, you neither aspired to be a Queen, or bitter).
      Not sure how you felt about being old and geriatric but please – let us know

  8. Ad 8

    In a related move, Cunliffe and Parker have replaced all images of themselves with two dry Weetbix.

    They said “This is going to help us establish the brand as two serious policy-focussed guys who are nothing like the Colin Mathura-Jaffrey lookalikes on the opposing benches.”

    Mothers with babies in the streets were all convinced when interviwed by Campbell on TV3 that “Yes they taste just like Labour: that traditional dry humourless crunch that’s so good for digestion.”

    The Two Weetbix have also established the new Slightly New Zealand Think Tank to come up with “Slightly better ideas for a Slightly Better New Zealand.” Colin Meads has been appointed Interim Chief Executive for a bit of solidity in the front row. Colin said it “Just felt so solid.”

    The Two Weetbix, as they prefer to be known, were confident they would please everyone, principally through regular, solid and long bowel movements.

    As a result Labour’s Climate Change policy has been significantly altered since when Weetbix Number 2 enters any room every available drop of moisture is sucked out, and when Weetbix Number 1 enters the room all available oxygen is sucked up. This is causing observed barymetric fluctuation across the southern Pacific and altering WPCC4 modelling and forecasts.

    The Two Weetbix have also agreed that they will clearly differentiate their List Selection process from National – which consists of locking all contenders in a shipping container overnight throwing in a knife and opening the door in the morning to determine who remains – with a speed dating service in which they book out Bellamy’s and every Labour caucus member will date and kiss every other caucus member until they all agree who they want to go out with again and in what order.

    A spokesperson for Mr Cunliffe said that “Our new One-Two Weetbix format is allowing proper goodness to to be fed to everyone on schedule, and stool production is long and solid as a result.”

    When asked if The Two Weetbix would ever, like, show up to the next boxing match, the races, the Women’s Weekly Christmas drinks or indeed anything of interest beyond the Sunday morning listenership of National Radio, a spokesperson, replied, “The humour department is just down the hall.”

  9. Will@Welly 9

    A great debut by your cadet reporter. Runs and trots it is. Key’s mouth as always runs away with itself, and English canters up behind cleaning up the mess. As for any bromanch, National’s always closeted those away from the public gaze.

    • Thank you, but its my second article. You might want to read my first article “Bob Jones helps the police on the Standard Blog………………scroll down!

      [lprent: Or link. ]

      • Will@Welly 9.1.1

        I did then, and again tonight – ouch. It’s not a topic I really want to laugh about. And I’m not talking about Bob Jones.

        • susan nact 9.1.1.1

          Yes I understand that, i.e. not wanting to laugh about it. Useful feedback for me.

          But I did want to satirize Jones for his self important views.

  10. BrucetheMoose 10

    Probably a wise choice as turning up with Brownlee was looking a little too Laurel and Hardy like.

  11. Crunchtime 11

    I actually got most of the way through this before I realised it was satire. It’s about as ridiculous as the political news coverage really is these days, possibly less so in some cases.

  12. Jenny 12

    Maybe Mr Enlish is John Key’s McKenzie friend.

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