Key and English – best of friends.

Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
Categories: bill english, john key, Satire - Tags:

By Tracey Watshite, Cadet Reporter.

In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews.

In the last week, Key has been interviewed by Tracy Watkins twice and appeared on the cutting edge TVNZ political programme Q and A. In all three media stints, Key was accompanied by Bill English.

Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament, especially the Speaker, David Carter” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on.

When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis, Key said “Yes the voters really want to know this stuff. It is a major issue that troubles New Zealanders from all walks of live, even beneficiaries and those on low wages and frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.

Key cited television shows such as the Marc Ellis and Matthew Ridge show, which was extremely popular in the 1990’s as to how important this sort of male “bromance” is to New Zealanders.  “Look those guys even got an advertising gig from Fresh Up and Matthew pulled super-model Nicki Watson”

 When challenged that that there might be a deeper motive to Key taking English along to media gigs, Key admitted that the questions in parliament seemed to be getting a quite a bit harder since around September and so he had decided it was safer to take Bill with him to interviews. “ Bill is actually capable of answering a question”. Key added “while my usual approach is just to laugh things off, I suspect the public could grow a little weary of this”.

Key added with the high calibre of comedy shows on tvnz, being a funny guy had become, well really quite competitive. Part of National’s strategy was now to convince voters that I am a serious guy and that there is more to running a country than having a laugh”.

When asked if he and English would be approaching electioneering as a comedy duo, Key looked shocked and stated “We can’t. Bill isn’t funny. It not going to happen”. However Key did hint at National establishing a new t.v. quiz show to appear on TV2 in the New Year, called Opportunity Knocks.

In this multinational companies will go through a tendering process where they try to undercut each other to procure a government contract. “Its a money or the bag type scenario” said Key.  “They have the choice of tax payers money to bail them out or gaining competitive advantages, such as extra pokie machines as in the Sky City Casino deal. These a lot of competition in the National caucus to be the host.  But I do think with my credentials in money trading, I am the right guy for the job though”.

Susan Nact

34 comments on “Key and English – best of friends. ”

  1. dv 1

    Well done Scot Yorke.
    You are on fire.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    alas, not Smith and Jones.

  3. irascible 3

    Unfortunately, while this is headed as satire, with Crosby-Textor advising Key this could easily become a strategy to divert the MSM from reality and thus allow National to campaign on good “chrustun values ” of loving one’s “brother”in an effort to garner the conservative vote.

    • Chris 3.1

      I would have thought loving ones “brother” would have the connies running the other direction fast 🙂

  4. ianmac 4

    Well Miss Whatshite. I being a bit naive thought the article sounded about right. It does sum up our perception including the number of times that Questions addressed to the PM gets shunted over to Mr English as he has a much more fluent form of digression.
    Ummm.Dunno. It might be a true and fair item. Might be a new page in journalism? Yeah? Nah!

  5. Rogue Trooper 5

    more like Stan and Ollie!

    • Tim 5.1

      another fine mess they’ve gotten into as well!

      But the proposition is actually quite true – they prop each other up. The semi-trad pok-faced Mr Rugged (Mr Muddle New Zull, with a “bruthaaaah” that pops up occasionally – hitting the political dance floor with a Mr Krismetic esprayshun)
      Double Ekt
      Smith and Jones
      Ronnie C and Ronnie B

      In the words of a former Labour pardy media whore: each “tends to agree” with the other.
      Not only that – they’re down with the kuds

      As I write (and as I watch tree news) … there’s a Key quote ta go with Mr Krismetuk:
      Wool senz loik weasill worts tummy

      (referring to whether or not Labour will buy bek essits)

  6. Rogue Trooper 6

    see ‘Satire’ tag, sweet!

  7. Rodel 7

    More like these two.
    (From Wikipedia)
    “Beavis has an underbite and a fixed countenance, which is almost always shown in 3/4 view. Like Butt-head, Beavis compulsively laughs and grunts. He also has a habit of picking his nose….despite his obliviousness to what should be obvious, he is prone to moments of insight.”

    “Butt-head has squinty eyes and a drooping nose…Butt-Head is oblivious to subtlety of any sort and is usually completely confident in everything he says and does, no matter how ridiculous or frivolous it is..”
    -but which is which?

    • Rogue Trooper 7.1

      :-D, that is clever Rodel, possibly the latter is the former of the Post title.

    • Tim 7.2

      – but which is which?
      Hard to tell aside from the fek thet one’s the boss and the skin is 2oIC
      Not unlike what might be ahead
      A collins and a bennet

      If there is a God, show yourself NOW! (There’s a Finlayson that’s doing a pretty bad impersonation of you – and btw God – I know that even in your darkest hour, you neither aspired to be a Queen, or bitter).
      Not sure how you felt about being old and geriatric but please – let us know

  8. Ad 8

    In a related move, Cunliffe and Parker have replaced all images of themselves with two dry Weetbix.

    They said “This is going to help us establish the brand as two serious policy-focussed guys who are nothing like the Colin Mathura-Jaffrey lookalikes on the opposing benches.”

    Mothers with babies in the streets were all convinced when interviwed by Campbell on TV3 that “Yes they taste just like Labour: that traditional dry humourless crunch that’s so good for digestion.”

    The Two Weetbix have also established the new Slightly New Zealand Think Tank to come up with “Slightly better ideas for a Slightly Better New Zealand.” Colin Meads has been appointed Interim Chief Executive for a bit of solidity in the front row. Colin said it “Just felt so solid.”

    The Two Weetbix, as they prefer to be known, were confident they would please everyone, principally through regular, solid and long bowel movements.

    As a result Labour’s Climate Change policy has been significantly altered since when Weetbix Number 2 enters any room every available drop of moisture is sucked out, and when Weetbix Number 1 enters the room all available oxygen is sucked up. This is causing observed barymetric fluctuation across the southern Pacific and altering WPCC4 modelling and forecasts.

    The Two Weetbix have also agreed that they will clearly differentiate their List Selection process from National – which consists of locking all contenders in a shipping container overnight throwing in a knife and opening the door in the morning to determine who remains – with a speed dating service in which they book out Bellamy’s and every Labour caucus member will date and kiss every other caucus member until they all agree who they want to go out with again and in what order.

    A spokesperson for Mr Cunliffe said that “Our new One-Two Weetbix format is allowing proper goodness to to be fed to everyone on schedule, and stool production is long and solid as a result.”

    When asked if The Two Weetbix would ever, like, show up to the next boxing match, the races, the Women’s Weekly Christmas drinks or indeed anything of interest beyond the Sunday morning listenership of National Radio, a spokesperson, replied, “The humour department is just down the hall.”

  9. Will@Welly 9

    A great debut by your cadet reporter. Runs and trots it is. Key’s mouth as always runs away with itself, and English canters up behind cleaning up the mess. As for any bromanch, National’s always closeted those away from the public gaze.

    • Thank you, but its my second article. You might want to read my first article “Bob Jones helps the police on the Standard Blog………………scroll down!

      [lprent: Or link. ]

      • Will@Welly 9.1.1

        I did then, and again tonight – ouch. It’s not a topic I really want to laugh about. And I’m not talking about Bob Jones.

        • susan nact 9.1.1.1

          Yes I understand that, i.e. not wanting to laugh about it. Useful feedback for me.

          But I did want to satirize Jones for his self important views.

  10. BrucetheMoose 10

    Probably a wise choice as turning up with Brownlee was looking a little too Laurel and Hardy like.

  11. Crunchtime 11

    I actually got most of the way through this before I realised it was satire. It’s about as ridiculous as the political news coverage really is these days, possibly less so in some cases.

  12. Jenny 12

    Maybe Mr Enlish is John Key’s McKenzie friend.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • EV road user charges bill passes
    Transport Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed the passing of legislation to move light electric vehicles (EVs) and plug-in hybrid electric vehicles (PHEVs) into the road user charges system from 1 April.  “It was always intended that EVs and PHEVs would be exempt from road user charges until they reached two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    20 hours ago
  • Bill targets illegal, unregulated fishing in international waters
    New Zealand is strengthening its ability to combat illegal fishing outside its domestic waters and beef up regulation for its own commercial fishers in international waters through a Bill which had its first reading in Parliament today. The Fisheries (International Fishing and Other Matters) Amendment Bill 2023 sets out stronger ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    21 hours ago
  • Reserve Bank appointments
    Economists Carl Hansen and Professor Prasanna Gai have been appointed to the Reserve Bank Monetary Policy Committee, Finance Minister Nicola Willis announced today. The Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) is the independent decision-making body that sets the Official Cash Rate which determines interest rates.  Carl Hansen, the executive director of Capital ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    23 hours ago
  • Stronger protections for apartment owners
    Apartment owners and buyers will soon have greater protections as further changes to the law on unit titles come into effect, Housing Minister Chris Bishop says. “The Unit Titles (Strengthening Body Corporate Governance and Other Matters) Amendment Act had already introduced some changes in December 2022 and May 2023, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Travel focused on traditional partners and Middle East
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters will travel to Egypt and Europe from this weekend.    “This travel will focus on a range of New Zealand’s traditional diplomatic and security partnerships while enabling broad engagement on the urgent situation in Gaza,” Mr Peters says.   Mr Peters will attend the NATO Foreign ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Keep safe on our roads this Easter
    Transport Minister Simeon Brown is encouraging all road users to stay safe, plan their journeys ahead of time, and be patient with other drivers while travelling around this Easter long weekend. “Road safety is a responsibility we all share, and with increased traffic on our roads expected this Easter we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Cost of living support for over 1.4 million Kiwis
    About 1.4 million New Zealanders will receive cost of living relief through increased government assistance from April 1 909,000 pensioners get a boost to Superannuation, including 5000 veterans 371,000 working-age beneficiaries will get higher payments 45,000 students will see an increase in their allowance Over a quarter of New Zealanders ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Tenancy reviews for social housing restart
    Ensuring social housing is being provided to those with the greatest needs is front of mind as the Government restarts social housing tenancy reviews, Associate Housing Minister Tama Potaka says. “Our relentless focus on building a strong economy is to ensure we can deliver better public services such as social ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary plan halted
    The Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary will not go ahead, with Cabinet deciding to stop work on the proposed reserve and remove the Bill that would have established it from Parliament’s order paper. “The Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary Bill would have created a 620,000 sq km economic no-go zone,” Oceans and Fisheries Minister ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Cutting all that dam red tape
    Dam safety regulations are being amended so that smaller dams won’t be subject to excessive compliance costs, Minister for Building and Construction Chris Penk says. “The coalition Government is focused on reducing costs and removing unnecessary red tape so we can get the economy back on track.  “Dam safety regulations ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Drought support extended to parts of North Island
    The coalition Government is expanding the medium-scale adverse event classification to parts of the North Island as dry weather conditions persist, Agriculture Minister Todd McClay announced today. “I have made the decision to expand the medium-scale adverse event classification already in place for parts of the South Island to also cover the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Passage of major tax bill welcomed
    The passing of legislation giving effect to coalition Government tax commitments has been welcomed by Finance Minister Nicola Willis.  “The Taxation (Annual Rates for 2023–24, Multinational Tax, and Remedial Matters) Bill will help place New Zealand on a more secure economic footing, improve outcomes for New Zealanders, and make our tax system ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Lifting economy through science, tertiary sectors
    Science, Innovation and Technology Minister Judith Collins and Tertiary Education and Skills Minister Penny Simmonds today announced plans to transform our science and university sectors to boost the economy. Two advisory groups, chaired by Professor Sir Peter Gluckman, will advise the Government on how these sectors can play a greater ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government announces Budget priorities
    The Budget will deliver urgently-needed tax relief to hard-working New Zealanders while putting the government’s finances back on a sustainable track, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says.  The Finance Minister made the comments at the release of the Budget Policy Statement setting out the Government’s Budget objectives. “The coalition Government intends ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government to consider accommodation solution
    The coalition Government will look at options to address a zoning issue that limits how much financial support Queenstown residents can get for accommodation. Cabinet has agreed on a response to the Petitions Committee, which had recommended the geographic information MSD uses to determine how much accommodation supplement can be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Government approves extension to Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care
    Cabinet has agreed to a short extension to the final reporting timeframe for the Royal Commission into Abuse in Care from 28 March 2024 to 26 June 2024, Internal Affairs Minister Brooke van Velden says.                                         “The Royal Commission wrote to me on 16 February 2024, requesting that I consider an ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • $18m boost for Kiwis travelling to health treatment
    The coalition Government is delivering an $18 million boost to New Zealanders needing to travel for specialist health treatment, Health Minister Dr Shane Reti says.   “These changes are long overdue – the National Travel Assistance (NTA) scheme saw its last increase to mileage and accommodation rates way back in 2009.  ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • PM’s Prizes for Space to showcase sector’s talent
    The Government is recognising the innovative and rising talent in New Zealand’s growing space sector, with the Prime Minister and Space Minister Judith Collins announcing the new Prime Minister’s Prizes for Space today. “New Zealand has a growing reputation as a high-value partner for space missions and research. I am ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Concerns conveyed to China over cyber activity
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters has confirmed New Zealand’s concerns about cyber activity have been conveyed directly to the Chinese Government.     “The Prime Minister and Minister Collins have expressed concerns today about malicious cyber activity, attributed to groups sponsored by the Chinese Government, targeting democratic institutions in both New ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Independent Reviewers appointed for School Property Inquiry
    Independent Reviewers appointed for School Property Inquiry Education Minister Erica Stanford today announced the appointment of three independent reviewers to lead the Ministerial Inquiry into the Ministry of Education’s School Property Function.  The Inquiry will be led by former Minister of Foreign Affairs Murray McCully. “There is a clear need ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Brynderwyns open for Easter
    State Highway 1 across the Brynderwyns will be open for Easter weekend, with work currently underway to ensure the resilience of this critical route being paused for Easter Weekend to allow holiday makers to travel north, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says. “Today I visited the Brynderwyn Hills construction site, where ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Speech to the Infrastructure Funding & Financing Conference
    Introduction Good morning to you all, and thanks for having me bright and early today. I am absolutely delighted to be the Minister for Infrastructure alongside the Minister of Housing and Resource Management Reform. I know the Prime Minister sees the three roles as closely connected and he wants me ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Parliamentary network breached by the PRC
    New Zealand stands with the United Kingdom in its condemnation of People’s Republic of China (PRC) state-backed malicious cyber activity impacting its Electoral Commission and targeting Members of the UK Parliament. “The use of cyber-enabled espionage operations to interfere with democratic institutions and processes anywhere is unacceptable,” Minister Responsible for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • NZ to provide support for Solomon Islands election
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters and Defence Minister Judith Collins today announced New Zealand will provide logistics support for the upcoming Solomon Islands election. “We’re sending a team of New Zealand Defence Force personnel and two NH90 helicopters to provide logistics support for the election on 17 April, at the request ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • NZ-EU FTA gains Royal Assent for 1 May entry to force
    The European Union Free Trade Agreement Legislation Amendment Bill received Royal Assent today, completing the process for New Zealand’s ratification of its free trade agreement with the European Union.    “I am pleased to announce that today, in a small ceremony at the Beehive, New Zealand notified the European Union ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • COVID-19 inquiry attracts 11,000 submissions
    Public consultation on the terms of reference for the Royal Commission into COVID-19 Lessons has concluded, Internal Affairs Minister Hon Brooke van Velden says.  “I have been advised that there were over 11,000 submissions made through the Royal Commission’s online consultation portal.” Expanding the scope of the Royal Commission of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Families to receive up to $75 a week help with ECE fees
    Hardworking families are set to benefit from a new credit to help them meet their early childcare education (ECE) costs, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says. From 1 July, parents and caregivers of young children will be supported to manage the rising cost of living with a partial reimbursement of their ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Unlocking a sustainable, low-emissions future
    A specialised Independent Technical Advisory Group (ITAG) tasked with preparing and publishing independent non-binding advice on the design of a "green" (sustainable finance) taxonomy rulebook is being established, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says.  “Comprising experts and market participants, the ITAG's primary goal is to deliver comprehensive recommendations to the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Chief of Army thanked for his service
    Defence Minister Judith Collins has thanked the Chief of Army, Major General John Boswell, DSD, for his service as he leaves the Army after 40 years. “I would like to thank Major General Boswell for his contribution to the Army and the wider New Zealand Defence Force, undertaking many different ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Minister to meet Australian counterparts and Manufacturing Industry Leaders
    25 March 2024 Minister to meet Australian counterparts and Manufacturing Industry Leaders Small Business, Manufacturing, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly will travel to Australia for a series of bi-lateral meetings and manufacturing visits. During the visit, Minister Bayly will meet with his Australian counterparts, Senator Tim Ayres, Ed ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Government commits nearly $3 million for period products in schools
    Government commits almost $3 million for period products in schools The Coalition Government has committed $2.9 million to ensure intermediate and secondary schools continue providing period products to those who need them, Minister of Education Erica Stanford announced today. “This is an issue of dignity and ensuring young women don’t ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Speech – Making it easier to build.
    Good morning, it’s great to be here.   First, I would like to acknowledge the New Zealand Institute of Building Surveyors and thank you for the opportunity to be here this morning.  I would like to use this opportunity to outline the Government’s ambitious plan and what we hope to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Pacific youth to shine from boost to Polyfest
    Minister for Pacific Peoples Dr Shane Reti has announced the Government’s commitment to the Auckland Secondary Schools Māori and Pacific Islands Cultural Festival, more commonly known as Polyfest. “The Ministry for Pacific Peoples is a longtime supporter of Polyfest and, as it celebrates 49 years in 2024, I’m proud to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • 2024 Ngarimu VC and 28th (Māori) Battalion Memorial Scholarships announced
    ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Speech to Breast Cancer Foundation – Insights Conference
    Before moving onto the substance of today’s address, I want to recognise the very significant and ongoing contribution the Breast Cancer Foundation makes to support the lives of New Zealand women and their families living with breast cancer. I very much enjoy working with you. I also want to recognise ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Kiwi research soars to International Space Station
    New Zealand has notched up a first with the launch of University of Canterbury research to the International Space Station, Science, Innovation and Technology and Space Minister Judith Collins says. The hardware, developed by Dr Sarah Kessans, is designed to operate autonomously in orbit, allowing scientists on Earth to study ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Speech to the New Zealand Planning Institute
    Introduction Thank you for inviting me to speak with you today and I’m sorry I can’t be there in person. Yesterday I started in Wellington for Breakfast TV, spoke to a property conference in Auckland, and finished the day speaking to local government in Christchurch, so it would have been ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Support for Northland emergency response centre
    The Coalition Government is contributing more than $1 million to support the establishment of an emergency multi-agency coordination centre in Northland. Emergency Management and Recovery Minister Mark Mitchell announced the contribution today during a visit of the Whangārei site where the facility will be constructed.  “Northland has faced a number ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Celebrating 20 years of Whakaata Māori
    New Zealanders have enjoyed a broader range of voices telling the story of Aotearoa thanks to the creation of Whakaata Māori 20 years ago, says Māori Development Minister Tama Potaka. The minister spoke at a celebration marking the national indigenous media organisation’s 20th anniversary at their studio in Auckland on ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Some commercial fishery catch limits increased
    Commercial catch limits for some fisheries have been increased following a review showing stocks are healthy and abundant, Ocean and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones says. The changes, along with some other catch limit changes and management settings, begin coming into effect from 1 April 2024. "Regular biannual reviews of fish ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago

Page generated in The Standard by Wordpress at 2024-03-29T01:07:13+00:00