Key and English – best of friends.

Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
Categories: bill english, john key, Satire - Tags:

By Tracey Watshite, Cadet Reporter.

In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews.

In the last week, Key has been interviewed by Tracy Watkins twice and appeared on the cutting edge TVNZ political programme Q and A. In all three media stints, Key was accompanied by Bill English.

Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament, especially the Speaker, David Carter” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on.

When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis, Key said “Yes the voters really want to know this stuff. It is a major issue that troubles New Zealanders from all walks of live, even beneficiaries and those on low wages and frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.

Key cited television shows such as the Marc Ellis and Matthew Ridge show, which was extremely popular in the 1990’s as to how important this sort of male “bromance” is to New Zealanders.  “Look those guys even got an advertising gig from Fresh Up and Matthew pulled super-model Nicki Watson”

 When challenged that that there might be a deeper motive to Key taking English along to media gigs, Key admitted that the questions in parliament seemed to be getting a quite a bit harder since around September and so he had decided it was safer to take Bill with him to interviews. “ Bill is actually capable of answering a question”. Key added “while my usual approach is just to laugh things off, I suspect the public could grow a little weary of this”.

Key added with the high calibre of comedy shows on tvnz, being a funny guy had become, well really quite competitive. Part of National’s strategy was now to convince voters that I am a serious guy and that there is more to running a country than having a laugh”.

When asked if he and English would be approaching electioneering as a comedy duo, Key looked shocked and stated “We can’t. Bill isn’t funny. It not going to happen”. However Key did hint at National establishing a new t.v. quiz show to appear on TV2 in the New Year, called Opportunity Knocks.

In this multinational companies will go through a tendering process where they try to undercut each other to procure a government contract. “Its a money or the bag type scenario” said Key.  “They have the choice of tax payers money to bail them out or gaining competitive advantages, such as extra pokie machines as in the Sky City Casino deal. These a lot of competition in the National caucus to be the host.  But I do think with my credentials in money trading, I am the right guy for the job though”.

Susan Nact

34 comments on “Key and English – best of friends. ”

  1. dv 1

    Well done Scot Yorke.
    You are on fire.

  2. Rogue Trooper 2

    alas, not Smith and Jones.

  3. irascible 3

    Unfortunately, while this is headed as satire, with Crosby-Textor advising Key this could easily become a strategy to divert the MSM from reality and thus allow National to campaign on good “chrustun values ” of loving one’s “brother”in an effort to garner the conservative vote.

    • Chris 3.1

      I would have thought loving ones “brother” would have the connies running the other direction fast 🙂

  4. ianmac 4

    Well Miss Whatshite. I being a bit naive thought the article sounded about right. It does sum up our perception including the number of times that Questions addressed to the PM gets shunted over to Mr English as he has a much more fluent form of digression.
    Ummm.Dunno. It might be a true and fair item. Might be a new page in journalism? Yeah? Nah!

  5. Rogue Trooper 5

    more like Stan and Ollie!

    • Tim 5.1

      another fine mess they’ve gotten into as well!

      But the proposition is actually quite true – they prop each other up. The semi-trad pok-faced Mr Rugged (Mr Muddle New Zull, with a “bruthaaaah” that pops up occasionally – hitting the political dance floor with a Mr Krismetic esprayshun)
      Double Ekt
      Smith and Jones
      Ronnie C and Ronnie B

      In the words of a former Labour pardy media whore: each “tends to agree” with the other.
      Not only that – they’re down with the kuds

      As I write (and as I watch tree news) … there’s a Key quote ta go with Mr Krismetuk:
      Wool senz loik weasill worts tummy

      (referring to whether or not Labour will buy bek essits)

  6. Rogue Trooper 6

    see ‘Satire’ tag, sweet!

  7. Rodel 7

    More like these two.
    (From Wikipedia)
    “Beavis has an underbite and a fixed countenance, which is almost always shown in 3/4 view. Like Butt-head, Beavis compulsively laughs and grunts. He also has a habit of picking his nose….despite his obliviousness to what should be obvious, he is prone to moments of insight.”

    “Butt-head has squinty eyes and a drooping nose…Butt-Head is oblivious to subtlety of any sort and is usually completely confident in everything he says and does, no matter how ridiculous or frivolous it is..”
    -but which is which?

    • Rogue Trooper 7.1

      :-D, that is clever Rodel, possibly the latter is the former of the Post title.

    • Tim 7.2

      – but which is which?
      Hard to tell aside from the fek thet one’s the boss and the skin is 2oIC
      Not unlike what might be ahead
      A collins and a bennet

      If there is a God, show yourself NOW! (There’s a Finlayson that’s doing a pretty bad impersonation of you – and btw God – I know that even in your darkest hour, you neither aspired to be a Queen, or bitter).
      Not sure how you felt about being old and geriatric but please – let us know

  8. Ad 8

    In a related move, Cunliffe and Parker have replaced all images of themselves with two dry Weetbix.

    They said “This is going to help us establish the brand as two serious policy-focussed guys who are nothing like the Colin Mathura-Jaffrey lookalikes on the opposing benches.”

    Mothers with babies in the streets were all convinced when interviwed by Campbell on TV3 that “Yes they taste just like Labour: that traditional dry humourless crunch that’s so good for digestion.”

    The Two Weetbix have also established the new Slightly New Zealand Think Tank to come up with “Slightly better ideas for a Slightly Better New Zealand.” Colin Meads has been appointed Interim Chief Executive for a bit of solidity in the front row. Colin said it “Just felt so solid.”

    The Two Weetbix, as they prefer to be known, were confident they would please everyone, principally through regular, solid and long bowel movements.

    As a result Labour’s Climate Change policy has been significantly altered since when Weetbix Number 2 enters any room every available drop of moisture is sucked out, and when Weetbix Number 1 enters the room all available oxygen is sucked up. This is causing observed barymetric fluctuation across the southern Pacific and altering WPCC4 modelling and forecasts.

    The Two Weetbix have also agreed that they will clearly differentiate their List Selection process from National – which consists of locking all contenders in a shipping container overnight throwing in a knife and opening the door in the morning to determine who remains – with a speed dating service in which they book out Bellamy’s and every Labour caucus member will date and kiss every other caucus member until they all agree who they want to go out with again and in what order.

    A spokesperson for Mr Cunliffe said that “Our new One-Two Weetbix format is allowing proper goodness to to be fed to everyone on schedule, and stool production is long and solid as a result.”

    When asked if The Two Weetbix would ever, like, show up to the next boxing match, the races, the Women’s Weekly Christmas drinks or indeed anything of interest beyond the Sunday morning listenership of National Radio, a spokesperson, replied, “The humour department is just down the hall.”

  9. Will@Welly 9

    A great debut by your cadet reporter. Runs and trots it is. Key’s mouth as always runs away with itself, and English canters up behind cleaning up the mess. As for any bromanch, National’s always closeted those away from the public gaze.

    • Thank you, but its my second article. You might want to read my first article “Bob Jones helps the police on the Standard Blog………………scroll down!

      [lprent: Or link. ]

      • Will@Welly 9.1.1

        I did then, and again tonight – ouch. It’s not a topic I really want to laugh about. And I’m not talking about Bob Jones.

        • susan nact 9.1.1.1

          Yes I understand that, i.e. not wanting to laugh about it. Useful feedback for me.

          But I did want to satirize Jones for his self important views.

  10. BrucetheMoose 10

    Probably a wise choice as turning up with Brownlee was looking a little too Laurel and Hardy like.

  11. Crunchtime 11

    I actually got most of the way through this before I realised it was satire. It’s about as ridiculous as the political news coverage really is these days, possibly less so in some cases.

  12. Jenny 12

    Maybe Mr Enlish is John Key’s McKenzie friend.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • $41m to support clean energy in South East Asia
    New Zealand is demonstrating its commitment to reducing global greenhouse emissions, and supporting clean energy transition in South East Asia, through a contribution of NZ$41 million (US$25 million) in climate finance to the Asian Development Bank (ADB)-led Energy Transition Mechanism (ETM). Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Climate Change Minister Simon Watts announced ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 hours ago
  • Minister releases Fast-track stakeholder list
    The Government is today releasing a list of organisations who received letters about the Fast-track applications process, says RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop. “Recently Ministers and agencies have received a series of OIA requests for a list of organisations to whom I wrote with information on applying to have a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 hours ago
  • Judicial appointments announced
    Attorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Wellington Barrister David Jonathan Boldt as a Judge of the High Court, and the Honourable Justice Matthew Palmer as a Judge of the Court of Appeal. Justice Boldt graduated with an LLB from Victoria University of Wellington in 1990, and also holds ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 hours ago
  • Education Minister heads to major teaching summit in Singapore
    Education Minister Erica Stanford will lead the New Zealand delegation at the 2024 International Summit on the Teaching Profession (ISTP) held in Singapore. The delegation includes representatives from the Post Primary Teachers’ Association (PPTA) Te Wehengarua and the New Zealand Educational Institute (NZEI) Te Riu Roa.  The summit is co-hosted ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 hours ago
  • Value of stopbank project proven during cyclone
    A stopbank upgrade project in Tairawhiti partly funded by the Government has increased flood resilience for around 7000ha of residential and horticultural land so far, Regional Development Minister Shane Jones says. Mr Jones today attended a dawn service in Gisborne to mark the end of the first stage of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 hours ago
  • Anzac commemorations, Türkiye relationship focus of visit
    Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters will represent the Government at Anzac Day commemorations on the Gallipoli Peninsula next week and engage with senior representatives of the Turkish government in Istanbul.    “The Gallipoli campaign is a defining event in our history. It will be a privilege to share the occasion ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    8 hours ago
  • Minister to Europe for OECD meeting, Anzac Day
    Science, Innovation and Technology and Defence Minister Judith Collins will next week attend the OECD Science and Technology Ministerial conference in Paris and Anzac Day commemorations in Belgium. “Science, innovation and technology have a major role to play in rebuilding our economy and achieving better health, environmental and social outcomes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • Comprehensive Partnership the goal for NZ and the Philippines
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon held a bilateral meeting today with the President of the Philippines, Ferdinand Marcos Jr.  The Prime Minister was accompanied by MP Paulo Garcia, the first Filipino to be elected to a legislature outside the Philippines. During today’s meeting, Prime Minister Luxon and President Marcos Jr discussed opportunities to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    21 hours ago
  • Government commits $20m to Westport flood protection
    The Government has announced that $20 million in funding will be made available to Westport to fund much needed flood protection around the town. This measure will significantly improve the resilience of the community, says Local Government Minister Simeon Brown. “The Westport community has already been allocated almost $3 million ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Taupō takes pole position
    The Government is proud to support the first ever Repco Supercars Championship event in Taupō as up to 70,000 motorsport fans attend the Taupō International Motorsport Park this weekend, says Economic Development Minister Melissa Lee. “Anticipation for the ITM Taupō Super400 is huge, with tickets and accommodation selling out weeks ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Cost of living support for low-income homeowners
    Local Government Minister Simeon Brown has announced an increase to the Rates Rebate Scheme, putting money back into the pockets of low-income homeowners.  “The coalition Government is committed to bringing down the cost of living for New Zealanders. That includes targeted support for those Kiwis who are doing things tough, such ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Government backing mussel spat project
    The Coalition Government is investing in a project to boost survival rates of New Zealand mussels and grow the industry, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones has announced. “This project seeks to increase the resilience of our mussels and significantly boost the sector’s productivity,” Mr Jones says. “The project - ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Government focused on getting people into work
    Benefit figures released today underscore the importance of the Government’s plan to rebuild the economy and have 50,000 fewer people on Jobseeker Support, Social Development and Employment Minister Louise Upston says. “Benefit numbers are still significantly higher than when National was last in government, when there was about 70,000 fewer ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Clean energy key driver to reducing emissions
    The Government’s commitment to doubling New Zealand’s renewable energy capacity is backed by new data showing that clean energy has helped the country reach its lowest annual gross emissions since 1999, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says. New Zealand’s latest Greenhouse Gas Inventory (1990-2022) published today, shows gross emissions fell ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Earthquake-prone buildings review brought forward
    The Government is bringing the earthquake-prone building review forward, with work to start immediately, and extending the deadline for remediations by four years, Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk says. “Our Government is focused on rebuilding the economy. A key part of our plan is to cut red tape that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Thailand and NZ to agree to Strategic Partnership
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and his Thai counterpart, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin, have today agreed that New Zealand and the Kingdom of Thailand will upgrade the bilateral relationship to a Strategic Partnership by 2026. “New Zealand and Thailand have a lot to offer each other. We have a strong mutual desire to build ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government consults on extending coastal permits for ports
    RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop and Transport Minister Simeon Brown have today announced the Coalition Government’s intention to extend port coastal permits for a further 20 years, providing port operators with certainty to continue their operations. “The introduction of the Resource Management Act in 1991 required ports to obtain coastal ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Inflation coming down, but more work to do
    Today’s announcement that inflation is down to 4 per cent is encouraging news for Kiwis, but there is more work to be done - underlining the importance of the Government’s plan to get the economy back on track, acting Finance Minister Chris Bishop says. “Inflation is now at 4 per ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • School attendance restored as a priority in health advice
    Refreshed health guidance released today will help parents and schools make informed decisions about whether their child needs to be in school, addressing one of the key issues affecting school attendance, says Associate Education Minister David Seymour. In recent years, consistently across all school terms, short-term illness or medical reasons ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Unnecessary bureaucracy cut in oceans sector
    Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones is streamlining high-level oceans management while maintaining a focus on supporting the sector’s role in the export-led recovery of the economy. “I am working to realise the untapped potential of our fishing and aquaculture sector. To achieve that we need to be smarter with ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Patterson promoting NZ’s wool sector at International Congress
    Associate Agriculture Minister Mark Patterson is speaking at the International Wool Textile Organisation Congress in Adelaide, promoting New Zealand wool, and outlining the coalition Government’s support for the revitalisation the sector.    "New Zealand’s wool exports reached $400 million in the year to 30 June 2023, and the coalition Government ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Removing red tape to help early learners thrive
    The Government is making legislative changes to make it easier for new early learning services to be established, and for existing services to operate, Associate Education Minister David Seymour says. The changes involve repealing the network approval provisions that apply when someone wants to establish a new early learning service, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • RMA changes to cut coal mining consent red tape
    Changes to the Resource Management Act will align consenting for coal mining to other forms of mining to reduce barriers that are holding back economic development, Resources Minister Shane Jones says. “The inconsistent treatment of coal mining compared with other extractive activities is burdensome red tape that fails to acknowledge ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • McClay reaffirms strong NZ-China trade relationship
    Trade, Agriculture and Forestry Minister Todd McClay has concluded productive discussions with ministerial counterparts in Beijing today, in support of the New Zealand-China trade and economic relationship. “My meeting with Commerce Minister Wang Wentao reaffirmed the complementary nature of the bilateral trade relationship, with our Free Trade Agreement at its ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Prime Minister Luxon acknowledges legacy of Singapore Prime Minister Lee
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon today paid tribute to Singapore’s outgoing Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong.   Meeting in Singapore today immediately before Prime Minister Lee announced he was stepping down, Prime Minister Luxon warmly acknowledged his counterpart’s almost twenty years as leader, and the enduring legacy he has left for Singapore and South East ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • PMs Luxon and Lee deepen Singapore-NZ ties
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon held a bilateral meeting today with Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong. While in Singapore as part of his visit to South East Asia this week, Prime Minister Luxon also met with Singapore President Tharman Shanmugaratnam and will meet with Deputy Prime Minister Lawrence Wong.  During today’s meeting, Prime Minister Luxon ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Antarctica New Zealand Board appointments
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters has made further appointments to the Board of Antarctica New Zealand as part of a continued effort to ensure the Scott Base Redevelopment project is delivered in a cost-effective and efficient manner.  The Minister has appointed Neville Harris as a new member of the Board. Mr ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Finance Minister travels to Washington DC
    Finance Minister Nicola Willis will travel to the United States on Tuesday to attend a meeting of the Five Finance Ministers group, with counterparts from Australia, the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom.  “I am looking forward to meeting with our Five Finance partners on how we can work ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Pet bonds a win/win for renters and landlords
    The coalition Government has today announced purrfect and pawsitive changes to the Residential Tenancies Act to give tenants with pets greater choice when looking for a rental property, says Housing Minister Chris Bishop. “Pets are important members of many Kiwi families. It’s estimated that around 64 per cent of New ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Long Tunnel for SH1 Wellington being considered
    State Highway 1 (SH1) through Wellington City is heavily congested at peak times and while planning continues on the duplicate Mt Victoria Tunnel and Basin Reserve project, the Government has also asked NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) to consider and provide advice on a Long Tunnel option, Transport Minister Simeon Brown ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Zealand condemns Iranian strikes
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Foreign Minister Winston Peters have condemned Iran’s shocking and illegal strikes against Israel.    “These attacks are a major challenge to peace and stability in a region already under enormous pressure," Mr Luxon says.    "We are deeply concerned that miscalculation on any side could ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Huge interest in Government’s infrastructure plans
    Hundreds of people in little over a week have turned out in Northland to hear Regional Development Minister Shane Jones speak about plans for boosting the regional economy through infrastructure. About 200 people from the infrastructure and associated sectors attended an event headlined by Mr Jones in Whangarei today. Last ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Health Minister thanks outgoing Health New Zealand Chair
    Health Minister Dr Shane Reti has today thanked outgoing Health New Zealand – Te Whatu Ora Chair Dame Karen Poutasi for her service on the Board.   “Dame Karen tendered her resignation as Chair and as a member of the Board today,” says Dr Reti.  “I have asked her to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Roads of National Significance planning underway
    The NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) has signalled their proposed delivery approach for the Government’s 15 Roads of National Significance (RoNS), with the release of the State Highway Investment Proposal (SHIP) today, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says.  “Boosting economic growth and productivity is a key part of the Government’s plan to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Navigating an unstable global environment
    New Zealand is renewing its connections with a world facing urgent challenges by pursuing an active, energetic foreign policy, Foreign Minister Winston Peters says.   “Our country faces the most unstable global environment in decades,” Mr Peters says at the conclusion of two weeks of engagements in Egypt, Europe and the United States.    “We cannot afford to sit back in splendid ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • NZ welcomes Australian Governor-General
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced the Australian Governor-General, His Excellency General The Honourable David Hurley and his wife Her Excellency Mrs Linda Hurley, will make a State visit to New Zealand from Tuesday 16 April to Thursday 18 April. The visit reciprocates the State visit of former Governor-General Dame Patsy Reddy ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Pseudoephedrine back on shelves for Winter
    Associate Health Minister David Seymour has announced that Medsafe has approved 11 cold and flu medicines containing pseudoephedrine. Pharmaceutical suppliers have indicated they may be able to supply the first products in June. “This is much earlier than the original expectation of medicines being available by 2025. The Government recognised ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • NZ and the US: an ever closer partnership
    New Zealand and the United States have recommitted to their strategic partnership in Washington DC today, pledging to work ever more closely together in support of shared values and interests, Foreign Minister Winston Peters says.    “The strategic environment that New Zealand and the United States face is considerably more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Joint US and NZ declaration
    April 11, 2024 Joint Declaration by United States Secretary of State the Honorable Antony J. Blinken and New Zealand Minister of Foreign Affairs the Right Honourable Winston Peters We met today in Washington, D.C. to recommit to the historic partnership between our two countries and the principles that underpin it—rule ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • NZ and US to undertake further practical Pacific cooperation
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters has announced further New Zealand cooperation with the United States in the Pacific Islands region through $16.4 million in funding for initiatives in digital connectivity and oceans and fisheries research.   “New Zealand can achieve more in the Pacific if we work together more urgently and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago

Page generated in The Standard by Wordpress at 2024-04-19T07:50:05+00:00