web analytics
The Standard
Advertising

Key Announces National’s Job’s Policy.

Written By: - Date published: 6:29 pm, April 30th, 2014 - 1 comment
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, Satire, uncategorized - Tags: , ,

images

Allo, Allo, Allo, Allo –  Based on the 1980’s Comedy Series, “Allo, allo”  – Starring Cameron Slater as Rene and Judith Collins as Edith. Episode Three. (See previous episodes) 

Cameron Slater gets starring role in tvnz drama” “Key schemes with media at whaleoil cafe

By Susan Nact

 It is just before opening time at the Whale Oil Cafe ( a greasy spoon cafe off K’Rd). Rene, ( Cameron Slater) is reading the NZ Herald. His wife, Edith ( Judith Collins) is ironing a handkerchief.

Edith: “What is in the Herald today Rene?”

Rene: “Jud.…I mean Edith, it is very interesting. National have announced their plans for jobs this week. And according to the Herald it’s going to lead to a brighter future for the National Party.”

Edith: “That’s interesting Rene, what is their plan for jobs?”

Rene: “ They are bringing back the job creation schemes of the 1980’s. Murray McCully is heading up the new initiative.”

Edith: “And how many of these new jobs will there be Rene?”

Rene: “Just one Edith”.

Edith: (Picks up another handkerchief to iron). “And what is this job that they think will lead National to a brighter future?”

Rene; “Well the job they are creating involves working overseas with primary produce and will mean a lot of meetings and doing deals.”

Edith: “That sounds wonderful Rene. They must have created it for me.” (stares into space and remembers her trip to China last year) “Its got my name written all over it. That’s the sort of job I would be good at. I will tell them I will accept it. They must have realized I have done voluntary work in this area.”

Rene: “You stupid woman, you’re too late. The role has gone to someone else”.

Edith: “Joyce! How did he get it?”

Rene: “No, not Joyce. Some body from the Far North got it. There’s an article by the Herald’s Deputy Political Editor about it on the same page as National’s policy release statement”, (Rene reads from the Herald)“Jobless figures plunge in Far North”. It quotes Key as saying:

“Labour might say that creating only one job is not sufficient to help the 15,000 unemployed in the Far North, but they would say that. People might accuse us of only creating one job, but at the end of the day, that one job has lead to a teacher resigning to take up a position in Wellington. So now his teaching post is available. That mean’s the rate of joblessness in Northland has been reduced to 14,999.”

Edith: “What else does John say about job creation Rene? Anything that looks hopeful for me?”

Rene: “Yes Key has a lot to say about jobs. Reads from the Herald, “When asked about any further plans for job creation, Key said,” Labour’s problem is that their church is pretty narrow and some people like to stretch up a lot and take up a lot of room and Labour doesn’t cater for them.”

Edith: “I see,so it Labour’s fault that there aren’t enough jobs and that’s because they have a narrow church and they are mean to people. They don’t care about people like me at all.” Picks up newly ironed hanky and wipes tear from her eye.

Rene: “You stupid woman of course it’s Labour’s fault. That’s what Claire  says at the end of the article. Labour’s church is too narrow to look after people like you, whereas National have no church at all.”

Edith: “But surely Rene if I can’t be the PM, Murray will create a job for me. I hear that he is better at job creation than he is at Foreign Affairs.”

Rene: “We will have to wait and see Edith. The problem is you have become so clumsy lately. You keep spilling milk all over yourself. I can’t even have you working here at the Whale Oil Cafe”.

Edith: “Then Rene what can I do?”

Rene: “Actually, I have had a request for Whale Oil to offer a new service and I am willing to give you a ninety day trial.”

Edith: “Oh thank you Rene, I always knew you would bat for me to help me get a good position.”

Rene: “Well Edith, we have had a request to offer marriage guidance and a couple have booked in to come and see you today at 11 am”.

Edith: “But Rene who would come to see me here at Whale Oil Cafe for marriage guidance counselling?”

Rene: Hekia Parata and her husband have made an appointment as apparently they have some trust issues in their relationship to work out.”

One comment on “Key Announces National’s Job’s Policy.”

  1. BLiP 1

    Hahahahahahahaha!!! Classic. Ten internets to the contributor.

Important links

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Taxpayers not suckers when it comes to casino lemon
    The Government should not be asking New Zealanders to stump up extra cash to bail out John Key and Steven Joyce’s dodgy SkyCity convention centre deal, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. "A deal is a deal is a deal. SkyCity… ...
    4 days ago
  • Supreme Court decision an early Christmas present
    Women on low pay in New Zealand have been given an early Christmas present with yesterday’s decision by  the Supreme Court not to intervene in a decision of the Court of Appeal, says Labour's Spokesperson for Women's Affairs, Sue Moroney. … ...
    4 days ago
  • Dunedin Hospital needs more than drip feed
    An ongoing and embarrassing pattern of major building leaks and equipment failures at Dunedin Public Hospital has been revealed in papers released under the Official Information Act, Dunedin North MP David Clark says. “Documents released under the Official Information Act… ...
    5 days ago
  • Dunedin Hospital needs more than drip feed
    An ongoing and embarrassing pattern of major building leaks and equipment failures at Dunedin Public Hospital has been revealed in papers released under the Official Information Act, Dunedin North MP David Clark says. “Documents released under the Official Information Act… ...
    5 days ago
  • 17 too young for teens to be shown the door
    Laws which see young people under the care of CYFS abandoned once they turn 17 will mean at least a dozen young Kiwis will be left to fend for themselves over the December festive season, Labour’s Children’s spokesperson Jacinda  Ardern… ...
    5 days ago
  • 17 too young for teens to be shown the door
    Laws which see young people under the care of CYFS abandoned once they turn 17 will mean at least a dozen young Kiwis will be left to fend for themselves over the December festive season, Labour’s Children’s spokesperson Jacinda  Ardern… ...
    5 days ago
  • National’s albatross, taxpayers’ curse
    Government consideration of further corporate welfare hand-outs to SkyCity for its convention centre shows just how weak the original contract was, Labour’s Economic Development spokesperson David Clark says. “Taxpayers will be appalled to hear that on top of the humiliating… ...
    5 days ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    1 week ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    1 week ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    1 week ago
  • Gerry Brownlee’s revolving airport door story
    A new report shows Gerry Brownlee is the latest Cabinet Minister to have contracted the infectious tell-porkies-until-you-are-caught disease, Labour’s Chief Whip Chris Hipkins says. “A Civil Aviation Report out today shows that despite being an extremely recognisable figure, Gerry Brownlee… ...
    1 week ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    1 week ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    1 week ago
  • Solar homes stymied by Govt inaction
    Government inaction is allowing the big power companies to discourage the nascent solar power sector, the Green Party said today. Green Party MP Gareth Hughes launched a petition today calling on the Government to empower the Electricity Authority to act… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    1 week ago
  • Way opening for April Sun in Cuba
    The United States of America’s President’s historic announcement yesterday to restore diplomatic ties with Cuba should be applauded by the New Zealand Government. The announcement marks a turning point in more than five decades of hostility between the two countries… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • Minister ducking for cover over ‘Diplomat Case’
    Apparently the Ministerial Inquiry into what now seems to be being referred to as ‘The Diplomat Case’ ( I have a few other names for it) has been completed and is in front of Foreign Affairs Minister McCully. Initial Reports seem to… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    1 week ago
  • Biosecurity it’s everyone’s responsibility
    Biosecurity costs New Zealand millions of dollars in attempting pest eradication and much more in ongoing management of pests in farming, horticulture, beekeeping and conservation, as well as in our own backyards and recreation areas. More work must happen at… ...
    GreensBy Steffan Browning MP
    1 week ago
  • Failure to diversify puts prosperity at risk
    Beyond the news that a long-promised surplus is unlikely, further embarrassment is hidden in the fine print of the half year economic and fiscal update, Labour says. "National’s failure to rebalance the economy is further exposed in projections from its… ...
    1 week ago
  • Ombudsman probe targets Ministerial integrity
    John Key is on notice that the entrenched cynical and manipulative abuse of official information requests by his Government will no longer be tolerated, Labour’s Open Government spokesperson Clare Curran says. “The announcement by the Ombudsman of a wide-ranging review… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Bill English’s face is redder than his books
    The Government owes New Zealanders an apology for failing to deliver the surplus it spent four years and two election campaigns promising, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Bill English’s face is redder than the Crown accounts. This is the… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Minister closes down dissent on climate change
    Minister closes down dissent on climate change In a threatening letter to Maori leaders, Minister for Climate Change Tim Groser says he will be requiring future international delegations to toe the party line, Labour’s Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods says.… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • The CIA Torture Report
    Earlier this week, the United States Select Committee on Intelligence released the Committee Study of the Central Intelligence Agency’s Detention and Interrogation Program.  The report, which was five years in the making, looked into the CIA’s interrogation techniques from 2001… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Haere Rā 2014
    We’ve almost reached the end of the Parliamentary year so I wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of my highlights of the term in this blog post. It’s been an absolutely hectic year juggling an election campaign… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    2 weeks ago
  • A welfare system for the 21st Century
    Today Child Poverty Action Group released a background paper on ‘The complexities of ‘relationship’ in the welfare system and the consequences for children.‘ The report includes 16 recommendations to modernise our welfare system which is no longer fit for the… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    2 weeks ago
  • NZ should formally recognise Palestine
    New Zealand should follow the lead of Sweden, and now recognise Palestine as a separate state On 30 October, Sweden’s new government formally recognised the state of Palestine, only the second Western country to do so, after Iceland. Down here… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 weeks ago
  • James Shaw’s adjournment speech on behalf of the Green Party
    It is a great honour for me to speak on behalf of the Green Party in this adjournment debate. I thank my colleagues for the privilege. I became a MP only 12 weeks ago, a period of time that seems… ...
    GreensBy James Shaw MP
    2 weeks ago
  • A Tale of Two Farms
    Pig farming has yet again been thrust into the public view with two programmes this week on Campbell Live highlighting the very different conditions for pigs on two very different farms. The first programme exposed the awful conditions on… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    2 weeks ago
  • A Tale of Two Farms
    Pig farming has yet again been thrust into the public view with two programmes this week on Campbell Live highlighting the very different conditions for pigs on two very different farms. The first programme exposed the awful conditions on… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    2 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere