‘Allo, Allo, Allo, Allo – Based on the 1980’s Comedy Series, “Allo, allo” – Starring Cameron Slater as Rene and Judith Collins as Edith. Episode Three. (See previous episodes)
By Susan Nact
It is just before opening time at the Whale Oil Cafe ( a greasy spoon cafe off K’Rd). Rene, ( Cameron Slater) is reading the NZ Herald. His wife, Edith ( Judith Collins) is ironing a handkerchief.
Edith: “What is in the Herald today Rene?”
Jud.…I mean Edith, it is very interesting. National have announced their plans for jobs this week. And according to the Herald it’s going to lead to a brighter future for the National Party.”
Edith: “That’s interesting Rene, what is their plan for jobs?”
Rene: “ They are bringing back the job creation schemes of the 1980’s. Murray McCully is heading up the new initiative.”
Edith: “And how many of these new jobs will there be Rene?”
Rene: “Just one Edith”.
Edith: (Picks up another handkerchief to iron). “And what is this job that they think will lead National to a brighter future?”
Rene; “Well the job they are creating involves working overseas with primary produce and will mean a lot of meetings and doing deals.”
Edith: “That sounds wonderful Rene. They must have created it for me.” (stares into space and remembers her trip to China last year) “Its got my name written all over it. That’s the sort of job I would be good at. I will tell them I will accept it. They must have realized I have done voluntary work in this area.”
Rene: “You stupid woman, you’re too late. The role has gone to someone else”.
Edith: “Joyce! How did he get it?”
Rene: “No, not Joyce. Some body from the Far North got it. There’s an article by the Herald’s Deputy Political Editor about it on the same page as National’s policy release statement”, (Rene reads from the Herald)“Jobless figures plunge in Far North”. It quotes Key as saying:
“Labour might say that creating only one job is not sufficient to help the 15,000 unemployed in the Far North, but they would say that. People might accuse us of only creating one job, but at the end of the day, that one job has lead to a teacher resigning to take up a position in Wellington. So now his teaching post is available. That mean’s the rate of joblessness in Northland has been reduced to 14,999.”
Edith: “What else does John say about job creation Rene? Anything that looks hopeful for me?”
Rene: “Yes Key has a lot to say about jobs. Reads from the Herald, “When asked about any further plans for job creation, Key said,” Labour’s problem is that their church is pretty narrow and some people like to stretch up a lot and take up a lot of room and Labour doesn’t cater for them.”
Edith: “I see,so it Labour’s fault that there aren’t enough jobs and that’s because they have a narrow church and they are mean to people. They don’t care about people like me at all.” Picks up newly ironed hanky and wipes tear from her eye.
Rene: “You stupid woman of course it’s Labour’s fault. That’s what Claire says at the end of the article. Labour’s church is too narrow to look after people like you, whereas National have no church at all.”
Edith: “But surely Rene if I can’t be the PM, Murray will create a job for me. I hear that he is better at job creation than he is at Foreign Affairs.”
Rene: “We will have to wait and see Edith. The problem is you have become so clumsy lately. You keep spilling milk all over yourself. I can’t even have you working here at the Whale Oil Cafe”.
Edith: “Then Rene what can I do?”
Rene: “Actually, I have had a request for Whale Oil to offer a new service and I am willing to give you a ninety day trial.”
Edith: “Oh thank you Rene, I always knew you would bat for me to help me get a good position.”
Rene: “Well Edith, we have had a request to offer marriage guidance and a couple have booked in to come and see you today at 11 am”.
Edith: “But Rene who would come to see me here at Whale Oil Cafe for marriage guidance counselling?”
Rene: Hekia Parata and her husband have made an appointment as apparently they have some trust issues in their relationship to work out.”