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Key signals coalition with Labour

Written By: - Date published: 11:42 am, January 31st, 2014 - 9 comments
Categories: david cunliffe, john key, labour, Satire - Tags:

In an interview with the senior reporter, Susan Nact, John Key revealed that he was not ruling out going into coalition with Labour after the next election.

Nact:  Who would be your first choice to be in coalition with?

Key: Well Labour is the second most popular party and I like a big party.

Nact: Does being popular always mean that it’s best for the country?

Key:  If people want what’s best for the country then that’s not the people in my electorate of Helensville. They like BBQ’s. Why eat fruit and vegetables, when you can have steak and prawns, oh yes and a sausage……..like at the Parachute Festival. We had a BBQ. Yeah I went down real well there.

Nact: What do you and Labour have in common.

Key: We are both the biggest parties. We can form a monopoly and really squeeze those little parties. Little parties aren’t a lot of fun. People start taking things seriously. Like Turiana and Sharples. They just want to sit at the table and bark on about wanting things. I hate those sorts of parties. And they say, I won’t come to your party unless you give me stuff. And Banks. He was a bore to have a cup of tea with, I should have known he would be a disaster to invite to a party. I have changed my mind about Winston though. Rumour has it he use to have a good wine box. I have told him my door is now open, but its BYO.

Nact: What other similarities do you see between Labour and yourself.

Key: They are a party and I like parties. I like a nice bbq at Government House with Prince William. And then that great party at the World Cup. And Mandela’s funeral, where I could invite who I wanted.

Nact: What is the difference between you and Labour Leader David Cunliffe?

Key: He climbs mountains and looks over Golden Bay, thinks about New Zealand and what a bright past we use to have; and how it could be like that again.. I think about New Zealand and Think Big……, big movie studios, big business, big oil, big parties……..and bright. Real bright, like a one arm bandit.

Nact: What policy differences are there?

Key:  I can’t remember. Look I have three briefcases full of stuff I carry around. Smart suits and blue ties for speeches and formal occasions, casual wear for BBQ’s. And shoes. Yeah lots of formal and casual shoes. And golf clubs.

Nact: Steven Joyce has accused Labour of being loose with spending and bribing the electorate . What do you say to that?

Key: Just between you and me, Steven is a bore and no good at parties.

Nact: You say your greatest achievement is getting the economy in good shape. What was the key policy that contributed to this?”

Key: The Key policy was the cycle-way. Yeah that was mine………

Nact: Does the fact that you had that one idea about building the economy means that you would consider a coalition with the Greens?

Key: Can’t rule it out, they are coming third. Unlike that uptight turd Joyce, I did smoke marijuana once. I got the munchies. I had a bbq. I really know how to party.

Nact: Anything else you are particularly proud of?

Key: Meeting the Queen.

Nact: How has that contributed to a brighter future?

Key: Well my old job as a money trader was a real bore. When I swung the visit to the Queen, Bronagh was chuffed and things have been a lot brighter at home.

Nact: In terms of the election, what about Best Start.

Key: I think I have definitely made the Best Start. I have had a nice morning with a group of businessmen in Auckland and had a great BBQ with some young ones at the Parachute Festival. Good to encourage outdoor activities like parachuting amongst the young.



lprent: Just a note. Could 3 “news” team please note the “satire” tag (you will find its meaning in the dictionary). We don’t want this as the political report on 3 news in another display of jonolism. I’m a bit concerned about Patrick Gower’s judgement since he became obsessed with cannabis.

9 comments on “Key signals coalition with Labour”

  1. captain hook 1

    now where is that roll of dunny paper they gave me yesterday when I opinned the noo factory.

  2. blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill) 2

    Great laugh, thanks & lprents note – hilarious – [the jonolists will be so disappointed when they get to that bit].

  3. KJT 3

    Our journalists should recognise satire. It is the only style most of them can write.

  4. Chooky 4

    …i almost got taken in by that ( again)…makes about as much sense to me as most things going on

    …..i am just one confused little chooky

  5. David H 5

    @Lprent: “I’m a bit concerned about Patrick Gower’s judgement since he became obsessed with cannabis.” One would think, he’s been ‘trying it out’ a bit too ‘much All in the name of ‘Jonolism’ of course.

  6. greywarbler 6

    But journalists satirising themselves? That’s a bit self-aware and convoluted for them isn’t it.
    Jewish comedians can do it and be funny, but our bumbling lot would have to watch when they met in close quarters that they keep the windows open. Otherwise, Booom!

  7. phil 7

    Not so fast. About 20 years ago, I remember such a coalition was seriously mentioned in the media. Fact is stranger than satire.

  8. Will@Welly 8

    Susannact – yes, yes, yes. Finally the voice of reason in New Zealand politics. John Key/David Cunliffe sharing the leadership of a combined party, with perhaps Winston playing a third cornerstone anchor. Imagine the stability, the leadership, the gains of a cohesive partnership.
    Brendan Horan would be a superb Minister of Finance. What more could be said. Wait – Patrick Gower appointed to help run the Ministry of Broadcasting – truly an independent voice.
    Looking forward to an indepth column in granny “Herald” in the forth coming days. Love your work.

  9. BLiP 9

    Nact: Anything else you are particularly proud of?

    Key: Meeting the Queen.

    ^^^ CLASSIC

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