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The Standard

Make your own “Shearer Says”!

Written By: - Date published: 6:00 pm, November 3rd, 2012 - 48 comments
Categories: david shearer, labour, Satire - Tags:

Ever wanted to talk like the esteemed leader of New Zealand’s biggest leftwing party?  Of course you haven’t.  But I’m going to show you the secrets of his success anyway, because I think you’ll be surprised just how completely flaccid you can make yourself sound with just a few tiny tweaks to normal, innocent English.

This week I’ve been in [ insert location].  The people there are [hard-working/real] New Zealanders with a great sense of [fairness/justice/community/family].  But they’re [having a hard time/losing their jobs/worried] because of [insert recent National policy implementation].

This isn’t [good/just/fair/helpful].  This is [bad/stressful/unjust/unconstructive].  Labour will stand by the people of [insert location] and help them through the tough times ahead.

National was elected on a promise to [insert promise here].  Instead they’ve [insert policy here].  This isn’t [the way forward/the right thing for New Zealand/what they promised].  As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Labour knows that [jobs/children/the environment/the economy/the heartland/our communities] are important to New Zealanders.  Under National, [insert previous] is [suffering/in decline/living below the breadline/spiralling out of control/neglected] while they [insert policy implementation].  As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Warm regards,
David Shearer
Leader of the Labour Party

For more staggering examples of punchy, convincing prose in action, I refer you to our reprints of Shearer’s weekly e-newsletter, sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99.  Tune in tomorrow to learn about the John Key approach to revealing when you’ve been coached on what to say!

H/T for the inspiration: Rhinocrates

48 comments on “Make your own “Shearer Says”!”

  1. Colonial Viper 1

    Hey QoT I got a speech writers job for you at Bowen House.

  2. Chalupa Batman 2

    Ouch…

  3. Far too cruel QoT …

  4. Jimmie 4

    I used to be on a mailing list from the chairman of Fonterra who used to send out a fortnightly update of any major happening within the company:

    The emails were like this:

    Morning all,

    A bit of an update:

    – Global dairy auction up 3.5% this morning.

    – We are going to buy a dairy factory in Russia.

    – Milk flows over the last week have dropped due to the dry spell.

    – Congrats to Joe Smith for winning the Fonterra Environmental award.

    Thats all for now

    Regards
    Henry

    Short sharp and to the point – captured our interest for the 10 seconds required to pass on the information was very useful.
    Shearer should do something similar (If he has any short sharp points to make?)

  5. Jimmie 5

    Perhaps I could help Shearer by doing an example for him to follow:

    Morning fellow lefties:

    – Thought about some new policy this week – will announce sometime later.

    – Had a BBQ with the ABC’s on Monday – gotta keep my support eh?

    – Ripped into John Key during question time – He was overseas and Bill English struggled to fill his shoes.

    – Went to speech therapy on Wednesday – 5 year course.

    – Bought new shoes on Thursday – worn out from kicking Shane Jones’ bum too much.

    – Got a guitar song book on Friday – need to learn a new song as old one getting a bit stale.

    Must go – gotta get stuck into some Sickness benes

    Laters
    David Shearer
    (Next Prime Minister)

    Easily done – he could just change the dates week to week and no one would know the difference.

  6. just saying 6

    Come on QoT, you’ve managed to make Shearer sound far more decisive and eloquent than his newsletters do. Yet you’ve still kept his inimical style. You’re touting for a job on his PR team aren’t you?

    • QoT 6.1

      People keep saying that! I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff. And I’m not saying no to the idea of a cushy parliamentary role if all that’s involved is using basic English skills to make the left wing of NZ politics seem interesting and relevant …

      • David H 6.1.1

        I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff.

        So do I lol, I fix the electronics on kiddies toys for fun.

  7. Barnsley Bill 7

    Flaccid sound bite BINGO. A Tory will monetize that and it will be in the stores by Xmas.

  8. Jim Nald 8

    “sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99”

    Oh ok, there should be lots of time.
    If anyone might be left in the Labour Party.
    And if he lives long enough.
    87 years some more.

    • prism 8.1

      Back to the future Labour Party. Where was the tipping point when if something had been done differently we would have been on an upward positive trend now?

      • Colonial Viper 8.1.1

        A full party rebellion during the 1987 term turfing out all the neolib MPs, combined with general strikes 1991/1992 forcing a major back down on the ECA.

        • McFlock 8.1.1.1

          and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

          Agree about the general strike though – CTU could have coordinated one.

          • Colonial Viper 8.1.1.1.1

            and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

            Via a combination of constitutional and extra-constitutional political activities.

            • McFlock 8.1.1.1.1.1

              Well that’s not vague at all. /sarc
                   
              Come on, you sling shit at Shearer for vague nothings, how exactly does a political party remove a sitting electorate MP from parliament? 

              • Colonial Viper

                Dear McFlock, you’ve read the Labour Party constitution just as I have.

                • McFlock

                  No I haven’t as I’m not a member. 
                      
                  But is there a law that says an electorate MP must resign if they’re kicked out of the party? 
                     
                  Hmmm – did Anderton have to have a by-election when he formed NLP? Nope. 
                       
                  If ACT expelled Banks tomorrow, would there be a by-election? 

  9. Phil 9

    Whadayamean “left wing party”? Where? Who?
    Only thing left (gedit?) for the rest of us is to aspire to earn enough money to be able to care about the environment or landfill and join the Groans.
    Vote on the soft left (probably the softest in the world outside the US) totally split for the “Aspiro” class.
    Those with no assets but some deep rooted, possibly cultural, leanings. Labour or Nact.
    Those with a few assets but aspirations to grab more, Nact, Labour at a pinch (but don’t tell the neighbors.
    Those with assets enough not to worry bout food, housing, heat and clothes for the kids, Green.
    Left? I wish.

  10. Adrian 10

    You do realise that you sad never happy fuckers are doing Keys job for him don’t you.

    • Phil 10.1

      Nope, Shearer’s managing that, with the help of a Nact lite caucaus….Please!!!!!!!!!!

    • QoT 10.2

      I think you need to read the last paragraph again. Because I’d be much happier assuming you’re only semi-literate than in putting you down as the kind of person who’d rather let the boat sink than hint to the captain that he’s steering it into an iceberg. ‘Cause that’s silly.

    • Colonial Viper 10.3

      Time’s running out Adrian. The country has 15-20 years to get ready for some very tough times. A transition away from liquid fossil fuels, super power wrestling in the Pacific, a world with 9B people unable to feed itself, sovereign nations drowning under banker debt, irreversible resource depletion and an economic recession which will last another full decade.

      Will Labour do a better job under Shearer compared to a National Government? Of course.

      But there are 4,400 people on the Titanic at this time, as it starts going under. Captain National has no interest in saving more than the 900 of them who are in the first class cabins. If Captain Labour were in charge, an additional 900 or so souls with second class tickets may be rescued.

      Shall we cheer Captain Labour on for being the superior option? While everyone else stuck in 3rd class and steerage goes down with the ship?

      Or shall we determine that both options National and Labour as they stand, are absolutely unacceptable and we need more, far more.

      – edit: bizarrely, I started writing my comment before I read QoT’s

      • QoT 10.3.1

        It’s a bit terrifying how sometimes we violently disagree and then other times it’s like we’re sharing the same hivemind …

        • Colonial Viper 10.3.1.1

          Yeah I know, cue X-Files music. We ain’t landed together on these little islands for no reason or no purpose; that’s how I figure it anyway…

      • Lanthanide 10.3.2

        Wow, 15-20 years? Much more optimistic than me…

        • Colonial Viper 10.3.2.1

          I’m trying not to scare the horses. Uh, pollies. It’s why I’ve no more patience with Labour. Because none of us can any longer afford the time for them to sort it out like adults.

  11. R 11

    Achingly apt, aside from describing Labour as ‘leftwing’.

  12. Rhinocrates 13

    God (yes, I know it hates being called that), I just hope that there’ll never be a “Robertson Says”. Then I’ll know there’s no hope.

  13. PlanetOrphan 14

    This week I’ve been in Hell. The orphans there are hard-working, real New Zealanders with a great sense of fairness and community.
    But they’re not working hard enough because of recent cuts to working hours.

    This isn’t good or fair. This is unconstructive. Labour will stand by the orphans of Hell and help them through the tough times ahead.

    National was elected on a promise to work those orphans harder. Instead they’ve cut their working hours. This isn’t what they promised.
    As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this, orphans should be learning the job at least 12 hours a day before entering the workforce.

    Labour knows that orphans are important to New Zealanders. Under National, the orphans education is suffering and neglected while National try and reduce the cost of feeding them.
    As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this gross imbalance of Taxpayer resources.

    Wow that works ….. Thanx QoT, I feel special now!. 😈

    • QoT 14.1

      Now you too can lead the Labour Party!

      • PlanetOrphan 14.1.1

        Thankyou, can I have some gruel with that job ?
        Which union do they belong too ?
        I only have one arm left after the last “union fees roundup” …. but I’m a hard worker miss 😀

  14. Ad 15

    A great laugh on a Saturday night.

    Like the inverse of Sir Ian McKellan’s speech on how to change a car tyre.

    Clearly a New Zealand version of Yes Prime Minister is ready for a treatment!

  15. xtasy 16

    Excellent! At least a spark of mind coming to the surface here!

    I have been waiting for this.

    Create your own Shearer, yes, and there are still many REAL “shearers” out there up and down the country. Pick one, pick just a symbolic one, and write a good piece, just as it may tickle your fancy.

    This comes across much more appealing than the strange ones I saw and read on this blog over the last few months.

    I have discovered a real “shearer”, who says what he/she says, ha, ha!

    Just the other day, I came across a neighbour, and he/she said, there is this “bene” “sickness”, invalids”, unemployment”, DPB” and yet another beneficiary (bludger) PAINTING a roof! Now how can that be? And I am paying for it. My taxes, I pay, I sacrifice my work for NZ (and overseas corporates). I save hard, work 24/7, raise my kids, and we have “this”?

    What side are you on? I am a NatACT redneck, David, but what are you?

    Maybe Mt Albert is actually turning into more of an upper class, “blueish” electorate after all, so “Shearer” may just be trying to follow his prospective voters?

  16. Adele 17

    Tēnā koe, QoT

    I like this game…

    Shearer says:

    “I’m not that nice a guy. I know I do not have the experience, skills, or qualities to be a great leader of a leftish party. However, give me a break, I am still riddled with vanity and an ego.”

  17. ianmac 18

    So as an inspiring example go to John Key’s brilliant web page. Boy. Does that stir the cockles and explain the unfailing popularity that David cannot possibly match. Wow!
    http://www.johnkey.co.nz//archives/1546-Key-Notes-Building-a-more-productive-economy.html
    or here: http://www.national.org.nz/affordablehousing.aspx

  18. Red Rosa 19

    Brilliant, QOT.

    And since it is Sunday, I say unto you that

    Verily – vapid verbiage vexes voters…

    But rousing rhetoric rallies the righteous.

    Amen.

    • Colonial Viper 19.1

      Rousing rhetoric rallies righteous rebels, raising remittances, repairing resplendent ready ranks of Red!

      Ha! 😎

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