Make your own “Shearer Says”!

49 comments on “Make your own “Shearer Says”! ”

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1. Colonial Viper 1

   3 November 2012 at 6:12 pm

   Hey QoT I got a speech writers job for you at Bowen House.
   • QoT 1.1

     3 November 2012 at 6:13 pm

     Be still my heart!
2. Chalupa Batman 2

   3 November 2012 at 6:37 pm

   Ouch…
3. mickysavage 3

   3 November 2012 at 6:59 pm

   Far too cruel QoT …
   • QoT 3.1

     3 November 2012 at 7:00 pm

     Bah, it’s tough love and thoroughly necessary.
     • Colonial Viper 3.1.1

       3 November 2012 at 7:06 pm

       All I want to know is when the drinking game version of this is being released. As it stands, I’m not sure what else these emails are good for.
       • QoT 3.1.1.1

         3 November 2012 at 7:09 pm

         Damn, that’s a good idea. We’ll certainly need one for whenever the leadership vote is.
       • Tazirev 3.1.1.2

         3 November 2012 at 9:00 pm

         Oh So you actually read them then
         • Colonial Viper 3.1.1.2.1

           3 November 2012 at 9:01 pm

           :embarrassed:
4. Jimmie 4

   3 November 2012 at 7:19 pm

   I used to be on a mailing list from the chairman of Fonterra who used to send out a fortnightly update of any major happening within the company:

   The emails were like this:

   Morning all,

   A bit of an update:

   – Global dairy auction up 3.5% this morning.

   – We are going to buy a dairy factory in Russia.

   – Milk flows over the last week have dropped due to the dry spell.

   – Congrats to Joe Smith for winning the Fonterra Environmental award.

   Thats all for now

   Regards
   Henry

   Short sharp and to the point – captured our interest for the 10 seconds required to pass on the information was very useful.
   Shearer should do something similar (If he has any short sharp points to make?)
5. Jimmie 5

   3 November 2012 at 7:26 pm

   Perhaps I could help Shearer by doing an example for him to follow:

   Morning fellow lefties:

   – Thought about some new policy this week – will announce sometime later.

   – Had a BBQ with the ABC’s on Monday – gotta keep my support eh?

   – Ripped into John Key during question time – He was overseas and Bill English struggled to fill his shoes.

   – Went to speech therapy on Wednesday – 5 year course.

   – Bought new shoes on Thursday – worn out from kicking Shane Jones’ bum too much.

   – Got a guitar song book on Friday – need to learn a new song as old one getting a bit stale.

   Must go – gotta get stuck into some Sickness benes

   Laters
   David Shearer
   (Next Prime Minister)

   Easily done – he could just change the dates week to week and no one would know the difference.
6. just saying 6

   3 November 2012 at 7:26 pm

   Come on QoT, you’ve managed to make Shearer sound far more decisive and eloquent than his newsletters do. Yet you’ve still kept his inimical style. You’re touting for a job on his PR team aren’t you?
   • QoT 6.1

     3 November 2012 at 9:16 pm

     People keep saying that! I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff. And I’m not saying no to the idea of a cushy parliamentary role if all that’s involved is using basic English skills to make the left wing of NZ politics seem interesting and relevant …
     • David H 6.1.1

       4 November 2012 at 8:43 am

       I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff.

       So do I lol, I fix the electronics on kiddies toys for fun.
       • ianmac 6.1.1.1

         4 November 2012 at 9:56 am

         Were they ever broken in the first place David?
7. Barnsley Bill 7

   3 November 2012 at 7:27 pm

   Flaccid sound bite BINGO. A Tory will monetize that and it will be in the stores by Xmas.
8. Jim Nald 8

   3 November 2012 at 7:32 pm

   “sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99”

   Oh ok, there should be lots of time.
   If anyone might be left in the Labour Party.
   And if he lives long enough.
   87 years some more.
   • prism 8.1

     3 November 2012 at 8:50 pm

     Back to the future Labour Party. Where was the tipping point when if something had been done differently we would have been on an upward positive trend now?
     • Colonial Viper 8.1.1

       3 November 2012 at 8:54 pm

       A full party rebellion during the 1987 term turfing out all the neolib MPs, combined with general strikes 1991/1992 forcing a major back down on the ECA.
       • McFlock 8.1.1.1

         3 November 2012 at 9:36 pm

         and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

         Agree about the general strike though – CTU could have coordinated one.
         • Colonial Viper 8.1.1.1.1

           4 November 2012 at 8:59 am

           and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

           Via a combination of constitutional and extra-constitutional political activities.
           • McFlock 8.1.1.1.1.1

             4 November 2012 at 2:42 pm

             Well that’s not vague at all. /sarc
                  
             Come on, you sling shit at Shearer for vague nothings, how exactly does a political party remove a sitting electorate MP from parliament? 
             • Colonial Viper …

               4 November 2012 at 2:49 pm

               Dear McFlock, you’ve read the Labour Party constitution just as I have.
               • McFlock …

                 4 November 2012 at 3:13 pm

                 No I haven’t as I’m not a member. 
                     
                 But is there a law that says an electorate MP must resign if they’re kicked out of the party? 
                    
                 Hmmm – did Anderton have to have a by-election when he formed NLP? Nope. 
                      
                 If ACT expelled Banks tomorrow, would there be a by-election? 
9. Phil 9

   3 November 2012 at 8:54 pm

   Whadayamean “left wing party”? Where? Who?
   Only thing left (gedit?) for the rest of us is to aspire to earn enough money to be able to care about the environment or landfill and join the Groans.
   Vote on the soft left (probably the softest in the world outside the US) totally split for the “Aspiro” class.
   Those with no assets but some deep rooted, possibly cultural, leanings. Labour or Nact.
   Those with a few assets but aspirations to grab more, Nact, Labour at a pinch (but don’t tell the neighbors.
   Those with assets enough not to worry bout food, housing, heat and clothes for the kids, Green.
   Left? I wish.
10. Adrian 10

    3 November 2012 at 9:03 pm

    You do realise that you sad never happy fuckers are doing Keys job for him don’t you.
    • Phil 10.1

      3 November 2012 at 9:05 pm

      Nope, Shearer’s managing that, with the help of a Nact lite caucaus….Please!!!!!!!!!!
    • QoT 10.2

      3 November 2012 at 9:18 pm

      I think you need to read the last paragraph again. Because I’d be much happier assuming you’re only semi-literate than in putting you down as the kind of person who’d rather let the boat sink than hint to the captain that he’s steering it into an iceberg. ‘Cause that’s silly.
    • Colonial Viper 10.3

      3 November 2012 at 9:24 pm

      Time’s running out Adrian. The country has 15-20 years to get ready for some very tough times. A transition away from liquid fossil fuels, super power wrestling in the Pacific, a world with 9B people unable to feed itself, sovereign nations drowning under banker debt, irreversible resource depletion and an economic recession which will last another full decade.

      Will Labour do a better job under Shearer compared to a National Government? Of course.

      But there are 4,400 people on the Titanic at this time, as it starts going under. Captain National has no interest in saving more than the 900 of them who are in the first class cabins. If Captain Labour were in charge, an additional 900 or so souls with second class tickets may be rescued.

      Shall we cheer Captain Labour on for being the superior option? While everyone else stuck in 3rd class and steerage goes down with the ship?

      Or shall we determine that both options National and Labour as they stand, are absolutely unacceptable and we need more, far more.

      – edit: bizarrely, I started writing my comment before I read QoT’s
      • QoT 10.3.1

        3 November 2012 at 9:40 pm

        It’s a bit terrifying how sometimes we violently disagree and then other times it’s like we’re sharing the same hivemind …
        • Colonial Viper 10.3.1.1

          3 November 2012 at 10:03 pm

          Yeah I know, cue X-Files music. We ain’t landed together on these little islands for no reason or no purpose; that’s how I figure it anyway…
      • Lanthanide 10.3.2

        4 November 2012 at 8:32 am

        Wow, 15-20 years? Much more optimistic than me…
        • Colonial Viper 10.3.2.1

          4 November 2012 at 8:51 am

          I’m trying not to scare the horses. Uh, pollies. It’s why I’ve no more patience with Labour. Because none of us can any longer afford the time for them to sort it out like adults.
11. R 11

    3 November 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Achingly apt, aside from describing Labour as ‘leftwing’.
12. felix 12

    3 November 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Ha!
13. Rhinocrates 13

    3 November 2012 at 9:29 pm

    God (yes, I know it hates being called that), I just hope that there’ll never be a “Robertson Says”. Then I’ll know there’s no hope.
    • Colonial Viper 13.1

      3 November 2012 at 9:30 pm

      Heh.
    • QoT 13.2

      3 November 2012 at 9:32 pm

      I’ve seen Robertson’s email newsletter. It’s … not thrilling reading.
14. PlanetOrphan 14

    3 November 2012 at 9:38 pm

    This week I’ve been in Hell. The orphans there are hard-working, real New Zealanders with a great sense of fairness and community.
    But they’re not working hard enough because of recent cuts to working hours.

    This isn’t good or fair. This is unconstructive. Labour will stand by the orphans of Hell and help them through the tough times ahead.

    National was elected on a promise to work those orphans harder. Instead they’ve cut their working hours. This isn’t what they promised.
    As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this, orphans should be learning the job at least 12 hours a day before entering the workforce.

    Labour knows that orphans are important to New Zealanders. Under National, the orphans education is suffering and neglected while National try and reduce the cost of feeding them.
    As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this gross imbalance of Taxpayer resources.

    Wow that works ….. Thanx QoT, I feel special now!. 😈
    • QoT 14.1

      3 November 2012 at 9:39 pm

      Now you too can lead the Labour Party!
      • PlanetOrphan 14.1.1

        3 November 2012 at 9:45 pm

        Thankyou, can I have some gruel with that job ?
        Which union do they belong too ?
        I only have one arm left after the last “union fees roundup” …. but I’m a hard worker miss 😀
15. Ad 15

    3 November 2012 at 10:19 pm

    A great laugh on a Saturday night.

    Like the inverse of Sir Ian McKellan’s speech on how to change a car tyre.

    Clearly a New Zealand version of Yes Prime Minister is ready for a treatment!
16. xtasy 16

    3 November 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Excellent! At least a spark of mind coming to the surface here!

    I have been waiting for this.

    Create your own Shearer, yes, and there are still many REAL “shearers” out there up and down the country. Pick one, pick just a symbolic one, and write a good piece, just as it may tickle your fancy.

    This comes across much more appealing than the strange ones I saw and read on this blog over the last few months.

    I have discovered a real “shearer”, who says what he/she says, ha, ha!

    Just the other day, I came across a neighbour, and he/she said, there is this “bene” “sickness”, invalids”, unemployment”, DPB” and yet another beneficiary (bludger) PAINTING a roof! Now how can that be? And I am paying for it. My taxes, I pay, I sacrifice my work for NZ (and overseas corporates). I save hard, work 24/7, raise my kids, and we have “this”?

    What side are you on? I am a NatACT redneck, David, but what are you?

    Maybe Mt Albert is actually turning into more of an upper class, “blueish” electorate after all, so “Shearer” may just be trying to follow his prospective voters?
17. Adele 17

    3 November 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Tēnā koe, QoT

    I like this game…

    Shearer says:

    “I’m not that nice a guy. I know I do not have the experience, skills, or qualities to be a great leader of a leftish party. However, give me a break, I am still riddled with vanity and an ego.”
    • Colonial Viper 17.1

      4 November 2012 at 8:55 am

      So half qualified then.
18. ianmac 18

    4 November 2012 at 10:03 am

    So as an inspiring example go to John Key’s brilliant web page. Boy. Does that stir the cockles and explain the unfailing popularity that David cannot possibly match. Wow!
    http://www.johnkey.co.nz//archives/1546-Key-Notes-Building-a-more-productive-economy.html
    or here: http://www.national.org.nz/affordablehousing.aspx
19. Red Rosa 19

    4 November 2012 at 10:04 am

    Brilliant, QOT.

    And since it is Sunday, I say unto you that

    Verily – vapid verbiage vexes voters…

    But rousing rhetoric rallies the righteous.

    Amen.
    • Colonial Viper 19.1

      4 November 2012 at 10:25 am

      Rousing rhetoric rallies righteous rebels, raising remittances, repairing resplendent ready ranks of Red!

      Ha! 😎

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1. Highlights from The Standard | Kiwiblog: posted on 5 November 2012 at 1:01 pm

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