Hot on the heels of his bold stand against environmental scientists, uber-lobbyist Mark Unsworth has come out swinging against the police and crown law over their unpatriotic highlighting of crime in New Zealand.
“Look, as my good friend John Key will tell you perception is reality and right now the perception of New Zealand is that we’re a nation of friendly hobbit-like folk. But by publicly prosecuting and convicting these middle-earthians the police and Crown Law are shitting all over that perception.
“And while we’re at it I’ve a bone to pick with those bastards at the department of statistics with their “facts” and “figures” – they need to get with the programme and realise that facts are for dinosaurs. And look how things turned out for them, eh, eh? Like I said to my old mate Wayne Eagleson while we were in Vegas – those pointy-headed number-crunching traitors would be better off turning their hand to the real science of focus group testing.”
When asked by the Standard whether he denied the materiality of existence Unsworth replied “I refute it thus” before putting his fingers in his ears and chanting “nyh nyh nyh I can’t hear you… Now if you’ll excuse me I have to send an angry email to my Doctor – the treacherous bastard’s trying to claim it’s the cognac that’s giving me gout without conducting any market research at all, not even an online preferences survey!”