Armed Police assisted by the Eagle helicopter, the counter-terrorism unit, customs officials, and the police launch towed on its trailer have raided Prime Minister John Key’s Parnell mansion, executing warrants relating to the illegal ‘DJ Key’ election ad. Simultaneously, a joint Police-SAS taskforce has stormed RadioLive, deploying teargas and tasering all present.
Police have defended the scale of the operation that has seen 25 arrests and 5 people hospitalised at a cost of approximately $500,000.
“It’s important the public understand that Police have plenty of spare capacity for this type of thing. Mr Key himself said so” explained Police Commissioner Patrick Wagon “A couple of months ago we raided four news outlets in the middle of an election campaign to gather evidence about the recording of a possibly private conversation where no illegal publication of said recording had actually occurred. We’ve still got cops working the case and putting out press releases three months later! There’s barely any prima facie case and we’ve chucked hundreds of man hours at it.
Likewise, when the Yanks say there’s some computer programmer living in New Zealand whose site allows illegal filesharing, we’ll send 70 cops to storm the guy’s house, seize his assets, get out the helicopters and the guns, and refuse the guy bail so that the taxpayer gets to spend $300 a day locking him up. No worries.”
“A few years back we occupied an entire town to arrest some people on what has ended up being a few trumped up firearms possession charges. That’s just the level of service you come to expect from a Police force that has the resources to solve every crime”
“So, naturally, we responded with every tool available when the Electoral Commission told us that someone had been attempting to illegally influence an election. The raids conducted today are entirely proportionate with our past actions. That’s our democracy they’re fucking with.”
When asked by a reporter if the Police really had resources to spare for elaborate raids given that last year alone there were 220,000 unsolved crimes including 8 homicides and 1,400 sexual assaults or if, in fact, the Police were too prone to political pressure and the temptation to show off for the cameras, Commissioner Wagon responded “If the Prime Minister says we’ve got spare capacity because we’re solving all the crimes then, by jingo, we’ve got spare capacity. Sergeant, arrest that man for attempting to embarrass a police officer. What do you mean that’s not an offence? We’ll just get Parliament to pass a retrospective law again!”
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister has thrown a press release wrapped around a rock over the walls of Auckland Remand in which he states he is “relaxed” about the current situation and is certain he will find an “elegant solution” to his predicament, which he blames on the Labour Party for “leaving us with a decade of deficits”, a error by his staff, the Canterbury earthquakes, unclear rules, the global financial crisis, and his mistaken belief that they were talking about Australian elections.
Justice Minister Judith Collins defended the Police actions, telling reporters that arresting criminals gave the rest of us the opportunity to achieve a higher quality of life, as she measured the drapes on the Beehive’s ninth floor.