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Breaking News: Aratere to be used in the event of a major oil spill

Written By: - Date published: 2:59 pm, December 3rd, 2013 - 38 comments
Categories: climate change, disaster, Environment, global warming, humour, Mining, Satire, transport - Tags:

Tracey Whatshite, Cadet Reporter.

As Greenpeace make a bid in the High Court to challenge the EPA’s decision to grant Anadarko permission to deep sea drill, we can reveal the content of secret documents detailing the contingency plan in the event of a major oil spill. The documents, obtained by senior reporter Susan Nact, outline how the stricken inter island ferry Aratere will be deployed in the cleanup effort, should a catastrophic event occur.

The Aratere, which was was re-furbished and lengthened in 2011, is currently out of action after losing one its propellers just outside Tory Channel earlier this month. The confidential report states that this represents the ideal opportunity to put the Aratere to good use as it will give the public a sense of “something being done while waiting for other vessels from far away to arrive”. The report documents the possibility of the Aratere “breaking up” during a cleanup process as predicted by Winston Peters, but states this could be a helpful diversion from “all that oil”. It is understood that KiwiRail have signed a contract that will enable prompt dispatching of the Aratere in the event of a major catastrophe.

Contingency planning also includes the Government’s response to a catastrophic spill.

We can reveal that, in the “remote” possibility of a major oil spill, a pre-planned speech has been written for Mr Key to address the Nation. The speech, which is along the lines of “there’s no use crying over spilt milk” involves criticizing the Greens for not being called “The Browns” as that could have muddyed the waters and made it easier to implicate them in the oil spill. It also includes a swipe at David Cunliffe, saying “just as well we didn ‘t pay out to the Pike River miners’ families as God knows what we would be up for with this oil spill. We are a fair minded government. If there is a catastrophe and the government is implicated, we won’t pay anyone a cent. Its about treating everyone equally.” Finally Key praises Colin Craig for his beliefs about global warming, “Warming. What warming?”

The report then goes on to outline plans for Simon Bridges to bail to one of the many properties he owns, furthest away from the spill.

We attempted to call Simon Bridges to ask him to comment on the ludicrous amount of property he owns for a young person. The phone was answered “Hello, it’s Alan here”. “Is that Alan Seay” we asked? We got a hang up.

On the last pages of the confidential report it is revealed that the most likely scenario is that Key will be voted out in 2014, and the speech as above will not be needed. The contingency plan for this is that Key will write a book about the event called “Slick Happens – Anadarko and Me”. The book is currently being ghost written by Sir Roger Douglas, whose name bears an uncanny resemblance to the name of the drilling ship the Noble Bob Douglas. The working title of this book is “Trickle Up, which way will the Oil Flow?”.

Warner Brothers/Weta Studios have been contracted to make a blockbuster movie from the book. The closing scenes of the movie see the whole of the National Party Cabinet, the last remnants of Act (including Roger, Prebble and Banksy), Colin Craig, Christine Rankin and Alan Seay end up living on board a luxury liner permanently. In the final scene the boat capsized after hitting the top of Mauna Loa/Hawaii which has submerged due to global warming. The working title of the film is “Titanic 2, I thought you said we’d be ok if we went right”.


38 comments on “Breaking News: Aratere to be used in the event of a major oil spill”

  1. infused 1

    yeah, kinda getting old.

  2. TightyRighty 2

    so, we aren’t even allowed to look for oil?

    • Puckish Rogue 2.1

      It used to be oil running out now its we don’t want to find oil…

      • TightyRighty 2.1.1

        doesn’t really fit with the mantra does it?

        • McFlock

          Tories having to drill ever deeper, dangerous, and more desperate depths is not indicative of anything. /sarc

          And then we could talk about peak oil, too…

          • weka

            “It used to be oil running out now its we don’t want to find oil…”

            No, it was running out of cheap, easily accessible, relatively safe to extract oil. Which is why they’re now targeting NZ. Gettit? Not exactly rocket science.

            There’s also this little thing call AGW, so year, why bother looking for oil at all?

    • framu 2.2

      but WE arent looking for oil are we.

      If you look past the slogans thats a big part of the opposition argument

      • TightyRighty 2.2.1

        you and your lot aren’t. doesn’t mean me and my lot shouldn’t be allowed too. Facist

        • felix

          lolz. You and your lot = half a dozen bitter middle-aged balding divorced small-business owners.

          You aren’t prospecting shit.

        • Te Reo Putake

          Yeah framu, you facist, you! Get out of TR’s face with your logic and democracy. The Supermen are here to save us from all that peon level stuff, show some gratitude, why doncha?

          • framu

            i thought the fascists were the supermen – at least in their eyes – oooh wait, tightey whitey doing some good ol projection again isnt he

        • framu

          get fucked and stop being such a entry level dick whitey tighty.

          have you got an oil rig stuck up your posterior or something? Because i dont see how you and your sorry little lot of whinners are doing anything in regards to drilling for oil.

          the point is WE as a COUNTRY arent doing didly – were letting an overseas outfit come in and take it for themselves while we get a measly 5% on whatever comes out of how they structure their international companies

          If your going to get this pissy over a rather pedestrian point then perhaps you need to get your blankie and suck your thumb for a bit

          does mummy need to kiss your boo boo and make it all better? Aww poor widdle baby

          perhaps instead of acting like an A grade ass hole and godwinning your self you could look past your pathetic knee jerk and address the valid economic point im making. Then maybe explain just how pointing out that NZ isnt doing any drilling on the anardarko site is fascist – go on, prove it.

  3. TightyRighty 3

    I love it as well how when a labour /green mp gets their name mocked, wed wuss for instance, everyone here goes apeshit about maturity levels. mock a member of the press as a poster, it’s “satire”. the hypocrisy of the left never fails to amuse me. no wonder you think you get a raw deal from certain media commentators / reporters. they can’t take places like the standard seriously.

    • framu 3.1

      youve got a point – maybe tag the name calling as satire in future?

      i personally dont see the need for the names in order to make the satirical point – if the satire is good enough.

      But i would add that everyones a hypocrite so i wouldnt go pointing too many fingers on that score

      • TightyRighty 3.1.1

        Really? everyones a hypocrite? mass sweeping generalizations without a single argument or fact to back it up. now that’s hypocritical from you!

        • framu

          wow – your being an even bigger ass hole than usual arent you

          here i am agreeing with you and you still have to act like youve got shit in your nappies

    • felix 3.2

      “I love it as well how when a labour /green mp gets their name mocked, wed wuss for instance, everyone here goes apeshit about maturity levels.”

      [citation needed]

  4. blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill) 4

    Poking fun at the shambles that this government has consistently created is clearly bringing out some sour-grapes responses from some…

    Very amusing article (and responses) Susan 😆

    • TightyRighty 4.1

      you probably loved the first season of the american in betweeners

      • chris73 4.1.1

        There was an american version of the inbetweeners? I bet it was as good as the american version of The Office, Father Ted, Men Behaving Badly, Lyman’s Boys etc etc

      • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill) 4.1.2

        @Tighty Righty,

        Don’t know The Inbetweeners show, sorry…tend to like brit comedy though, although watching this govt is becoming pretty amusing – when viewing it as a satire on how [not] to govern….:D

        • TightyRighty

          couldn’t even use google to prevent giving yourself an uppercut?

          • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill)

            Yes I googled, however didn’t recognise it and am on dial-up so not wasting my time waiting for sites describing some crappy american attempt to copy Brit humour to load.

            If you were attempting at some sort of message by your last two comments they are too obscure for me to pick up on, sorry.

  5. marsman 5

    ‘……end up living on a luxury liner permanently.’ That would be Douglas “about time i got my knighthood” Myers’ private yacht no doubt. After all Myers runs a ‘Charitable’ Trust which advises oil companies on how to twist Governments’ arms in order to get what they want. Great post Susan.

  6. Will@Welly 6

    Whatshite, letting the cat out of the bag, yet again. No wonder you got fired from your last job, from what’s his name Cameroon – harpoon – Oilslick!! And here us serious bloggers envied your time in the Gulf of Mexico, swanning around, eating all that free lobster and shrimp. Now this betrayal. Talk about make me wanta puke. Obviously you haven’t been to a young Nat’s conference lately where all the signage reads “Drill, baby, drill,” and no, it’s not advertising for a new dental treatment, or the latest hip-hop moves.
    With the opening of the second Hobbit movie in L.A., Air NZ put a new banner on one of their planes to publicize the event, apparently they are planning to install an oil rig on every one of their planes to help sell shares in the oil exploration movement here. Warners are thrilled, a new meaning to the mile-high club – blow, baby, blow.

  7. Paul 7

    Trolls very busy on this post.

  8. Viv K 8

    ‘Trickle up’, yep, there’s a lot of that about. ‘Trickle down’ is a rarer beast, like the yeti or the loch ness monster. Lots of talk about it, but no confirmed sightings. Thanks for the chuckles Ms Nact.

  9. Foreign Waka 9

    A report is out saying that NZ is not ready for any stage 3 disaster (similar as the Reno spill). There is no vessel that can be deployed and not sufficient trained staff to take charge.
    Is there somewhere a lawyer brave enough to take on the Devils Advocate and make those who allow such undertaking in light of the facts actually being known and reported accountable in case of a major disaster? By that I mean suing for the full extent of the cost and lives lost, source of income diminished – be it fishing, farming, tourist ventures etc. What are the personal liabilities of the decision makers in such a case? It is very clear that the drilling for oil was not voted for in a democratic process, least the people who will be most affected.

    And may I ask again, where is the “protector of the land fighter for the foreshore and seabed”?
    Yes, just what I thought….

    • weka 9.1

      How about first we sue Fonterra, Federated Farmers, and individual dairy farmers for the huge multi-generational mess they’ve caused? No-one asked NZers if we wanted our rivers polluted.

      “It is very clear that the drilling for oil was not voted for in a democratic process, least the people who will be most affected.”

      What we really need is a constitution that acknowledges the rights of nature.

  10. Rosie 10

    I love a larf! Thank you Susannact.

  11. tricledrown 11

    The Atatere will be used a plug if a well spills.
    Just tow it to the well site and it will sink of its own accord.

    • Will@Welly 11.1

      Rumour has it that the National Party have booked the Atatere for their Christmas function. A nautical theme, with J.K. playing Blackbeard, and Banksy getting to walk the plank. With a bit of luck they’ll take it for a spin, with or without a propeller !!
      It’d be nice to think they might still be on board in the event of an oil spill – but then you’d hear the rats squealing all the way from the shore.

    • Martin 11.2

      I don’t see a crippled rail ferry being much use.

      • Murray Olsen 11.2.1

        What a shame you couldn’t have told Susan that before she put all that work into her article!

    • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill) 11.3

      @ tricledrown
      funny! 😆

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