Tracey Whatshite, Cadet Reporter.
As Greenpeace make a bid in the High Court to challenge the EPA’s decision to grant Anadarko permission to deep sea drill, we can reveal the content of secret documents detailing the contingency plan in the event of a major oil spill. The documents, obtained by senior reporter Susan Nact, outline how the stricken inter island ferry Aratere will be deployed in the cleanup effort, should a catastrophic event occur.
The Aratere, which was was re-furbished and lengthened in 2011, is currently out of action after losing one its propellers just outside Tory Channel earlier this month. The confidential report states that this represents the ideal opportunity to put the Aratere to good use as it will give the public a sense of “something being done while waiting for other vessels from far away to arrive”. The report documents the possibility of the Aratere “breaking up” during a cleanup process as predicted by Winston Peters, but states this could be a helpful diversion from “all that oil”. It is understood that KiwiRail have signed a contract that will enable prompt dispatching of the Aratere in the event of a major catastrophe.
Contingency planning also includes the Government’s response to a catastrophic spill.
We can reveal that, in the “remote” possibility of a major oil spill, a pre-planned speech has been written for Mr Key to address the Nation. The speech, which is along the lines of “there’s no use crying over spilt milk” involves criticizing the Greens for not being called “The Browns” as that could have muddyed the waters and made it easier to implicate them in the oil spill. It also includes a swipe at David Cunliffe, saying “just as well we didn ‘t pay out to the Pike River miners’ families as God knows what we would be up for with this oil spill. We are a fair minded government. If there is a catastrophe and the government is implicated, we won’t pay anyone a cent. Its about treating everyone equally.” Finally Key praises Colin Craig for his beliefs about global warming, “Warming. What warming?”
The report then goes on to outline plans for Simon Bridges to bail to one of the many properties he owns, furthest away from the spill.
We attempted to call Simon Bridges to ask him to comment on the ludicrous amount of property he owns for a young person. The phone was answered “Hello, it’s Alan here”. “Is that Alan Seay” we asked? We got a hang up.
On the last pages of the confidential report it is revealed that the most likely scenario is that Key will be voted out in 2014, and the speech as above will not be needed. The contingency plan for this is that Key will write a book about the event called “Slick Happens – Anadarko and Me”. The book is currently being ghost written by Sir Roger Douglas, whose name bears an uncanny resemblance to the name of the drilling ship the Noble Bob Douglas. The working title of this book is “Trickle Up, which way will the Oil Flow?”.
Warner Brothers/Weta Studios have been contracted to make a blockbuster movie from the book. The closing scenes of the movie see the whole of the National Party Cabinet, the last remnants of Act (including Roger, Prebble and Banksy), Colin Craig, Christine Rankin and Alan Seay end up living on board a luxury liner permanently. In the final scene the boat capsized after hitting the top of Mauna Loa/Hawaii which has submerged due to global warming. The working title of the film is “Titanic 2, I thought you said we’d be ok if we went right”.