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Caption contest

Written By: - Date published: 5:00 pm, November 27th, 2014 - 116 comments
Categories: caption contest, humour - Tags:

Michael Woodhouse pihaKeep it seemly …

 

 

116 comments on “Caption contest”

  1. cogito 1

    Natzional’s last stand.

  2. Lanthanide 2

    DriftWood.

  3. repateet 3

    King Canute tries to keep the land back.

  4. tc 4

    On the beach redux

  5. Ant 5

    “Hear Ye, lowly molluscs and other sub-tidal entities….”

  6. Tide goes out on National.

  7. Sirenia 8

    National – turning our backs to climate change.

  8. woody pitches for a re-make of ‘the piano’..

    ..to be called ‘the lectern’…

  9. Potato 10

    Civil Defense finds Woodhouses’s speeches more effective than sirens at clearing beaches in an emergency

  10. this is the economic boat..

    ..that key/national promised to float…

  11. our airforce..doing live-ammunition exercises…

  12. ‘woody’ recreates his ancestors arrival in nz..

    ..(i understand they brought nz’s first ever lectern with them..)

  13. woody unveils groundbreaking new national party economic-initiative..

    ..the solar-powered/amphibious-lectern…

    • speaking to reporters woody extolled the export-possibilities of this ‘exciting’ new initiative..

      ..saying it will become de riguer for all politicians/captains-of-industry to have one..

      ..woody says that on a calm day..he pops over to waiheke on his..

      ..or he cruises the beaches of auckland..

      ..and can give speeches to both passing-craft..and beachgoers..

      ..’you can always feel secure’..said woody..’your genitals are always covered/protected..

      ..no more standing there feeling vulnerable/exposed/naked as you preach to the peasants..

      ..you just grab the no-slip grips on the poly-lectern..knowing yr family-jewels are protected on three sides’..

  14. McFlock 15

    And now for something completely different

  15. felix 16

    “I’m the king of the world!!”

  16. Stuart Munro 17

    At last St Woody, inspired by desperation, went down to the sea-shore, where the river runs into the sea, and having placed himself on a bank between the river and the sea, he began to speak to the fishes as if Woger had sent him to preach to them, and said: “Listen to the word of Woger, O ye fishes of the sea and of the river, and you rancid cetaceans, seeing that honest people and hard working people refuse to do so.”

  17. karol 18

    All washed up.

  18. b waghorn 19

    tsunami? no its a left wing conspiracy i tell ya!

  19. One Anonymous Bloke 20

    We shall go on to the end. We shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength on the air, we shall sell our islands, whatever the cost may be. We shall sell them on the beaches, we shall sell them on the landing grounds, we shall sell them in the fields and in the streets, we shall sell them in the hills; we shall surrender everything. For money.

  20. Tracey 21

    To all of my supporters, gathered here today I say

    John Key had a dream…

    And here I am!

  21. Potato 22

    “There’s a woman down the end with a couple of kids and a bucket. Perhaps she wants to listen to me talk about how our new employment laws will help workers enjoy their lives ?”

  22. woody suddenly realises..that for him..

    ..the tide will never come in..

  23. Potato 24

    “Ladies and gentlemen, in this lot we have the foreshore and seabed going for steal. Shall we commence the bidding! “

  24. Te Reo Putake 25

    “Anyone makes a joke about John Key and a whale stranding and I’m off”

    or (for the westie surfers): keyhole obscured by arsehole.

  25. greywarshark 26

    Galoot succeeds. The waves retreat under the crushing weight of his rhetoric!
    “All the inhabitants of the world should know that the power of kings is vain and trivial, and that none is worthy the name of king but He whose command the heaven, earth and sea obey by eternal laws”

  26. finbar 27

    As we await this fleet of China!s ships,we can say we welcome them,we are now approaching a new venture in our lands development,reaching out to a culture like ours, innovative,and not afraid to take risks.We look forward to doing business with this dynamic culture.

    Who has the contract to make the gumboots,whats his name,Sushi,Sushi,no its HOE.

  27. woody pitches for a (low-cost) remake of ‘all the presidents’ men’..

    ..starring him and his mate in the hat…

  28. Potato 29

    Nationals latest campaign to prove that they are in touch with ‘real New Zealanders’.
    Michael Woodhouse says ” I like to go down and spend the day at the beach just like everybody else”.

  29. ianmac 30

    If a National Minister speaks to an empty beach who will hold him to account?

  30. RedLogix 31

    Police Minister launches new version of cardboard cutout cop. Guaranteed for sea-level rises of up to 30cm.

  31. coaster 32

    And now for the next asset sale, new zealands forshore.
    what do hear for an opening bid, who will start off with a bid of 5 billion?

  32. greywarshark 33

    Latest asset sale? New Zealand for sure!

  33. b waghorn 34

    in an effort to keep flights to the provinces I’m proud to call this new runway open, take it away captain

  34. greywarshark 35

    I always practice my speeches on the beach. No hecklers. And I write my promises out on the sand – transparent for all to see. There they are in black and white, or rather light brown, or even in fifty shades of grey heh heh my little joke, and anyone can come and look at them before the tide comes in. But then though they are hidden from the public, they lie in my heart.

  35. YeahSure 36

    National is constructing an ark to survive climate change, starting with the poop deck.

  36. Tel 37

    Cops to target all lecterns this summer.

    Police say there will be a no lectern tolerance level this summer. However, the evaluation couldn’t confirm the statistical significance of a lectern decreases because of the small numbers involved.

  37. philj 38

    Prime N Z beachfront for sale to the highest bidder! Be quick, won’t last long!

  38. philj 39

    Where do I tie up the Donkey!

  39. philj 40

    Thanks for coming mum.

  40. adam 41

    You keep dissing the Key Man, and all you commies will be swimming with the fishes.

  41. john 42

    More rubbish washes up on beach

  42. philj 43

    …. ’cause John told me to…

  43. philj 44

    “Minister releases new sections for affordable housing initiative”

  44. cogito 45

    “F***. I shouldn’t have mentioned ebola.”

  45. oarSum 46

    First hot-air powered hovercraft crosses Tasman

  46. Potato 47

    Michael’s press conference didn’t go as planned once the media recieved a text that one of ‘The Block’ contestants was spotted in Pak’N’Save.

  47. From his twitter account, Woodlouse loves photo ops with sporting celebs and hobnobbing around the world on the taxpayers dime. Never heard of him til now. The Nats also enjoyed endorsements by famous All Blacks ON ELECTION DAY.

  48. BassGuy 49

    Labour aren’t the only ones who can have a Foreshore and Seabed Act.

  49. mac1 50

    “We must build but we must build surely.”

    Party Political Beach-

  50. cogito 51

    “NZ beaches go under the hammer in latest government asset sale”.

  51. Paul Campbell 52

    Of course I can order everyone out of the water and off the beach for a couple of hoiurs, for a photo-op …. don;t you know I am?

    (no)

  52. RedLogix 53

    There was Woody giving an otherwise dull speech to the House – when suddenly the PM’s Infinite Improbability Generator kicked in.

  53. McFlock 54

    As he drifted into the afterlife, Dobby imagined he was giving a speech on the desolate beach that would be his ending…

  54. NZJester 55

    In order for the announcement of this new law to be legally binding it must be made on sovereign New Zealand owned soil. We are told due to a small error on a land sales document that this small section we have placed this stage on is the last piece of it left in New Zealand.

  55. tricledrown 56

    Woodhouse floundering!
    Trying out Nationals new strategy of avoiding whaleoil tsunami!

  56. Sans Cle 57

    Imbeachment

  57. les 58

    First sea trial for Nationals new life raft,does not go well for junior minister.

  58. cogito 59

    “Auckland traffic gridlock? Where? It’s just another dirty left-wing conspiracy”.

  59. the new minister for flotsom and jetsam speaks to his constituency..

  60. nationals’ media-mavens come up with yet another absolutely brilliant idea…

  61. woody has an unusual hobby…

  62. woodys’ scrapbook:..

    ..what i did on my hols…

  63. very poor turnout for the woody fanclub beach-day…

  64. woody shows off his new beach-suit…

  65. when woody gets all existential and angsty…

    ..he likes to take one of his favourite lecterns to the beach..

    ..so they can chill-out together…

  66. man in hat:..

    ‘it’s been three hours minister…i don’t think anyones’ coming’..

  67. minister waits for mr whippy van..

  68. philj 69

    … and what’s more, JK would never bend over for CS.

  69. philj 70

    minister releases policy on global warming, population explosion and sea level rise.

  70. Atiawa 71

    ‘We have four of these, which proves we take seriously our response capability to any deep sea oil spill”.

    • b waghorn 71.1

      That made me laugh you got my vote. 🙂

      • Atiawa 71.1.1

        ” The government has signed a contract with the Hyundai ship building yard in Ulsan, South Korea to have them built. The vessels will be delivered in the first quarter of the new year.
        Two will be docked and utilized from Port Taranaki while the third and fourth will be shared between the East Coast of the North Is and the maritime jurisdictions of the Canterbury and Deep South basin’s.”

  71. philj 72

    Minister issues apology for Climate Change policy.

  72. philj 73

    Government announces new spying laws, ” The local seals have nothing to fear”

  73. philj 74

    Government announces new spying laws, ” The local seals have nothing to fear”, the Minister said.

  74. philj 75

    ” USA Double Agent seeks asylum in Tolega Bay “

  75. philj 76

    “Government Minister announces further DOC restructuring”

  76. philj 77

    ” Sex On The Beach is now illegal under new terrorist law “

  77. philj 78

    “Man arrested for impersonating a Government Minister in a public place”

  78. philj 79

    Newsflash!
    ” Minister declares leadership coup! “

  79. cogito 80

    …And the Floating Lectern Cup is still NZ’s cup. Eat that Jimmy Spithill.

  80. philj 81

    ….. and now I will I dig a hole in the sand and do my ostrich impersonation…..

  81. Ecosse_Maidy 82

    Johns Keys flunky announces and reviews the new increased defense forces

  82. Ecosse_Maidy 83

    New Zealands olympic bobsleigh unveiled

  83. Ecosse_Maidy 84

    Nationals spokesman, announces new site of shallow graves for all the abandoned national policies

  84. Ecosse_Maidy 85

    the intensive search for Paula Bennet fails

  85. Ecosse_Maidy 86

    New Zealands new aircraft carrier had a few subtle flaws

  86. Ecosse_Maidy 87

    National Flunkey, announces Life is a beach yet under National Life is a *********!

  87. Ecosse_Maidy 88

    National Supporter shows off his ill gotten Ikea Lectern Gains in NZ Black Friday Sale

  88. Ecosse_Maidy 89

    Aussie Invasion repulsed!

  89. Ecosse_Maidy 90

    Anyone that finds the buried ego of Pete George,,,,,will be allowed to exit the country……

  90. Ecosse_Maidy 91

    Santas sleigh now privatised and flogged off to highest bidder!

  91. Ecosse_Maidy 92

    Ok, the bidding is currently at $10 dollars for complete drilling rights…….any other offers……going goingggggggggg.

  92. Ecosse_Maidy 93

    I ordered a hovercraft…….send this back to amazon

  93. Ecosse_Maidy 94

    GP spokesman, shows off new membership

  94. Ecosse_Maidy 95

    At Davos In Switzerland, climate change denier, announces G20 to think about 0.9 % cut in co2 emissions

  95. Inky 96

    The prime minister pledged a new police vessel before the end of the year and despite a funding shortfall I am proud to launch this raft today.

  96. A Voter 97

    And just up on the beach is the Crematorium thats why no one is here

  97. Pat O'Dea 98

    Government unveils plans to save manufacturing and rescue the economy – Ladies and Gentlmen, introducing the wooden segway.

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    The Government is pleased to confirm funding for improvements to radiology and surgical services at Hawke's Bay DHB, Health Minister Chris Hipkins says.     "The Minister of Finance the Hon Grant Robertson and former Health Minister Dr David Clark approved funding for Hawke's Bay DHB’s redevelopment of their radiology facilities ...
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    2 days ago
  • Specialist alcohol and drug addiction services strengthened across New Zealand
    •    New funding for four beds at Napier’s Springhill Residential Addiction Centre •    A new managed withdrawal home and community service, and peer support before and after residential care at Tairāwhiti DHB  •    A co-ordinated network of withdrawal management services throughout the South Island •    Peer support in Rotorua and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Coastal Shipping Webinar
    Introduction, seafarers and POAL Good morning everyone, I am delighted to be online with you all today. Before I begin, I have to acknowledge that COVID-19 has disrupted the maritime sector on an unprecedented scale. The work of seafarers and the maritime industry is keeping many economies around the world ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Support for resilient rail connection to the West Coast
    A $13 million investment from Government will create jobs and improve the resilience of the rail connection between Christchurch and the West Coast, Infrastructure Minister Shane Jones and Regional Economic Development Under-Secretary Fletcher Tabuteau say. The funding comes from the tagged contingency set aside in Budget 2020 for infrastructure projects ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Major investment in safe drinking water
    The Government is investing $761 million to assist local government upgrade under-pressure water services across the country, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Local Government Minister Nanaia Mahuta announced today.  The announcement was made at the site of the water bore that was found to be the source of the fatal ...
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    3 days ago
  • Supporting stranded seasonal workers to keep working with more flexible options
    Recognised Seasonal Employers and migrant seasonal workers stranded in New Zealand will be able to continue working and supporting themselves with more flexible hours and roles, says Immigration Minister Iain Lees-Galloway. The time-limited visa changes are: Stranded RSE workers will be able to work part-time (a minimum of 15 hours ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Relief for temporary migrants, employers and New Zealanders who need work
    The Government is making immediate short-term changes to visa settings to support temporary migrants already onshore in New Zealand and their employers, while also ensuring New Zealanders needing work are prioritised, Immigration Minister Iain Lees-Galloway says. We are: Extending temporary work visas due to expire by the end of 2020 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Freshwater commissioners and fast-track consenting convenor appointed
    Professor Peter Skelton CNZM has been appointed as Chief Freshwater Commissioner and Alternate Environment Court Judge Craig James Thompson as Deputy Chief Freshwater Commissioner for the newly established Freshwater Planning Process (FPP). Environment Minister David Parker today also announced the appointment of Chief Environment Court Judge Laurie Newhook as the ...
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    3 days ago
  • Appointment of Judge of the High Court
    Auckland Queen’s Counsel Neil Campbell has been appointed a Judge of the High Court, Attorney‑General David Parker announced today. Justice Campbell graduated with a BCom and LLB (Hons) from the University of Auckland in 1992. He spent two years with Bell Gully Buddle Weir in Auckland before travelling to the United ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Feedback sought – Commercial Film and Video Production Facilities
    The Associate Minister for Greater Christchurch Regeneration, Poto Williams, is seeking feedback on a proposal to better enable the development and operation of commercial film and video facilities in Christchurch. The Proposal, developed by Regenerate Christchurch in response to a request from Christchurch City Council, asks that powers under section ...
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    3 days ago
  • Govt launches bold primary sector plan to boost economic recovery
    The Government has launched a bold plan to boost primary sector export earnings by $44 billion over the next decade, while protecting the environment and growing jobs. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today released Fit for a Better World – Accelerating our Economic Potential, a 10-year roadmap to unlock greater value ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Wellbeing of whanau at heart of new hub
    A new approach to prevent family harm that encourages greater collaboration across government and community groups is being celebrated at the opening of a new facility in Auckland. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today opened the Multi-Disciplinary Family Harm Prevention Hub Te Taanga Manawa in Lambie Road in Manukau. The facility ...
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    4 days ago
  • New Report on Auckland Port Relocation
    The Government has released a major new report on the options for relocating the Port of Auckland’s freight operations while deferring any decision on the issue. “That decision needs to be informed by policy analysis that is still to be completed. As a result it will be up to a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Dual place names for Te Pātaka-o-Rākaihautū / Banks Peninsula features
    The history of Rāpaki is being restored through the inclusion of te reo in thirteen official place names on Te Pātaka-o-Rākaihautū / Banks Peninsula and around Lyttelton Harbour/Whakaraupō, the Minister for Land Information, Eugenie Sage, announced today.   “I am pleased to approve the proposals from Te Hapū o Ngāti ...
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    4 days ago
  • Government and Air New Zealand agree to manage incoming bookings
    Bookings for seats on Air New Zealand flights into New Zealand will be managed in the short term to ensure the Government is able to safely place New Zealanders arriving home into a managed isolation or quarantine facility, says Housing Minister Megan Woods.  “Last week Air Commodore Darryn Webb and I ...
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    4 days ago
  • $80 million for sport recovery at all levels
    Grant Robertson has today announced the first major release of funding from the $265 million Sport Recovery Package announced at Budget 2020.  “Today we’re setting out how $80 million will be invested, with $54 million of that over the 2020/2021 financial year for organisations from community level through to elite ...
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    4 days ago
  • Keeping ACC levies steady until 2022
    The Government is maintaining current levy rates for the next 2 years, as part of a set of changes to help ease the financial pressures of COVID-19 providing certainty for businesses and New Zealanders, ACC Minister Iain Lees-Galloway says. “New Zealanders and businesses are facing unprecedented financial pressures as a ...
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    4 days ago
  • Extended loan scheme keeps business afloat
    Small businesses are getting greater certainty about access to finance with an extension to the interest-free cashflow loan scheme to the end of the year. The Small Business Cashflow Loan Scheme has already been extended once, to 24 July. Revenue and Small Business Minister Stuart Nash says it will be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New investment creates over 2000 jobs to clean up waterways
    A package of 23 projects across the country will clean up waterways and deliver over 2000 jobs Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Environment Minister David Parker announced today. The $162 million dollar package will see 22 water clean-up projects put forward by local councils receiving $62 million and the Kaipara ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Speech to Labour Party Congress 2020
    Tena koutou katoa  Nga tangata whenua o tenei rohe o Pōneke, tena koutou Nau mai, haere mai ki te hui a tau mo te roopu reipa Ko tatou!  Ko to tatou mana!  Ko to tatou kaupapa kei te kokiri whakamua  Tena koutou, tena koutou, tena tatou katoa   Welcome. I ...
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    5 days ago
  • PGF top-up for QE Health in Rotorua
    The Provincial Growth Fund (PGF) is investing $1.5 million to ensure QE Health in Rotorua can proceed with its world class health service and save 75 existing jobs, Under Secretary for Regional Economic Development, Fletcher Tabuteau announced today. The PGF funding announced today is in addition to the $8 million ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Building a more sustainable construction sector
    A new programme, which sets a firm course for the Building and Construction sector to help reduce greenhouse gas emissions, has been announced by the Minister for Building and Construction Jenny Salesa. “A significant amount of New Zealand’s carbon emissions come from the building and construction sector.  If we’re serious ...
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    1 week ago
  • PGF funds tourism boost in Northland
    The Provincial Growth Fund is investing more than $7.5 million in Northland ventures to combat the economic impact of the COVID-19 virus, Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters and Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones have announced. The Provincial Growth Fund (PGF) investment is going to the Northern Adventure Experience and ...
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    1 week ago
  • Four new projects announced as part of the biggest ever national school rebuild programme
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Education Minister Chris Hipkins today announced significant funding for Auckland’s Northcote College as part of the first wave of a new nationwide school redevelopment programme to upgrade schools over the next 10 years. The $48.5 million project brings the total investment in Northcote College to ...
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    1 week ago
  • COVID-19: Support to improve student attendance and wellbeing
    The Government has opened an urgent response fund to support schools and early learning services to get children and young people back on track after the Covid-19 lockdown. “While we are seeing improvements in attendance under Alert Level 1 Ministry of Education data shows that attendance rates in our schools ...
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    1 week ago