Following the news that “Celebrities who make false statements while endorsing finance companies could now face jail or fines up to $1 million”, we at The Standard have received the following important document, leaked by an internal National Party source:
Press Release from PM John Key
Monday 6 June
On this the celebration of the birthday of our Glorious Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (I met her you know!) I wish to announce, with the greatest of regret, that I can no longer support or endorse New Zealand Inc.
Since all that the people of our great country seem to require of me is appearing on Letterman, breakfast TV, and the occasional photo op with Royalty, I have decided to continue in my role as Lightweight Celebrity PM. But in order to limit my personal liability I wish to make it clear that I can no longer support or in any way endorse government budget predictions, National Party economic policy, the random gruntings and moanings of Treasury, the knackering of the New Zealand economy, or anything said by Bill English.
On the advice of my lawyers I also wish to declare that any previous endorsements, statements of support, promises, financial projections or vague prognostications, whether actual or implied, are retrospectively invalidated, declared inoperative, and hereby considered null and void. It’s all right there in the fine print punters, read it and weep.
Thank you. Thank you. No really, that’s enough. Thank you. Settle down there. Thank you. Now – would any of youse fellahs like to come back to my place for a barbie and a beer with Prince Willy? (A corgi licked my hand you know!)