We received this by email and it’s so kafkaesque we just had to post it:
I had a dream last night.
I had, for some reason, been roped into going door to door in small town New Zealand delivering National Party pamphlets. I found myself knocking on the door of a grimy bedsit, and talking to an odd-looking man who answered the door cheerfully and lent me his ear even though he had an open suitcase on his bed and was clearly going somewhere in a hurry.
I gave him a National pamphlet, but then I admitted I personally preferred Labour. He explained he was an undecided voter (to which I said something like ‘ah, a dirty swinger eh’ – how we laughed!). I thanked him graciously for his time and wandered down the road, realising I had no idea where I was. I frantically searched around, and signposts revealed I was somewhere between Bulls and Morrinsville – a long walk from home! I then saw Pete Hodgson scurry past, and I struck up a quick conversation with him, assuring him I was voting Labour, and somehow it hit me; Pete Hodgson is actually two identical twins who both take turns being him, just like the Olsen twins in Full House.
I wandered down the highway, beginning the long walk back to Wellington, and I realised that the man I had been speaking to earlier in the bedsit was John Key. I kicked myself for not recognising him at the time. The sneaky bastard, I thought, telling me he was an undecided voter! Then it occurred to me that maybe he was indeed undecided, such was the audacity of his flip-flops.
As I wandered aimlessly down the highway, it occurred to me that all these events were rather improbable, and that in all likeliness my encounter with John Key had been a dream. Then I realised that I had filmed the encounter with Key on my cellphone video camera – how convenient! If that encounter had been a dream, but it was filmed on my cellphone video camera, would people in the real world be able to see the video, I wondered? And if so, what would it prove – that I had actually spoken to him or that I had merely dreamt about him? And if the former, what would it be worth if I could leak a video to the media of Key saying he was an undecided voter?
I took out my cellphone, and played back the video. As it played, John Key metamorphised; he still had the same basic facial features, but his hair was curly and ginger, and his face fat and pudgy and grotesquely leering, like a disturbing rubbery mask. I was filled with a sudden feeling of anguish and horror.
The dream ended with me giving Jason Gunn a ride in the tiny car it turned out I owned. I had to move piles of stuff off the seats so he could sit down, because I also lived in my car.