Glorious school building opened by honourable leader

Written By: - Date published: 10:20 am, March 4th, 2010 - 62 comments
Categories: education, Media, Satire - Tags: ,

Beloved Leader of People’s Constitutional Monarchy of New Zealand, Honourable John Key, attended glorious opening of school building on Tuesday. Youth cadres were so roused by Honourable Leader’s magnificent presence that they spontaneously burst into a moving rendition of glorious People’s anthem.

The school, owned by praiseworthy private organisation where nation’s glorious elite send their children, has been recipient of much money from the State under wise and benign guidance of Honourable Leader. The State procured funds for this glorious development by ending ideologically false and impure policies of the ousted regime, which had wasted precious wealth of the State on education for adults and poor.

Beloved Key had special message for the youth cadres. He told them not to fear unemployment or poverty and denied revisionist lies about falling production levels. Under Glorious Leader’s wise and esteemed leadership many cycleways will be built across nation and with this great wealth of cycleways many jobs will be created, and some back-office banking too maybe. Also, Beloved Leader will defeat hated Japanese and save whales with secret plan.

Such was youths’ excitement to be in presence of Honourable Leader that they could barely contain themselves and all wanted to be near him. Beloved Key graciously chose to spend his time with youths rather than return to work building glorious nation.

People’s media have showered great and deserved praise on Honourable Key for his latest magnificent achievement in opening this tremendous building which will increase industrial production by 40% over next five year plan.

Several youths were overcome by the glory of Honourable Leader’s appearance as were several members of the press corps. Glorious People’s newspaper reports mass faintings of youth cadres in presence of Honourable leader.

All agree that under the wise and dedicated tutelage of Beloved Key, our glorious nation will bury running dog Australians by 2025.

62 comments on “Glorious school building opened by honourable leader ”

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  1. BLiP 1
    4 March 2010 at 10:46 am

    The schools new song

    ♫ ♪

    He’s a man. He’s just a man.
    And I’ve had so many men before,
    In very many ways,
    He’s just one more . . .

    . . . he scares me so

    ♪ ♫

  2. vto 2
    4 March 2010 at 10:53 am

    Eddie, are you trying Carter’s Hone impersonation from a few years ago, except chinese styles???

    He was roundly condemned as racist for that shit

    • Daveo 2.1
      4 March 2010 at 10:56 am

      I take it you haven’t read much communist propaganda before vto. Clearly satire of badly translated reports from People’s Daily, Pravda etc.

    • Eddie 2.2
      4 March 2010 at 10:56 am

      it’s not chinese style. It’s in the style of a communist propaganda piece.

    • BLiP 2.3
      4 March 2010 at 10:57 am

      Wooosh . . .

    • Bright Red 2.4
      4 March 2010 at 10:58 am

      reads more like Pravda to me.

      very very funny.

      you have to wonder what was in the journos’ heads writing those pieces.

    • r0b 2.5
      4 March 2010 at 11:02 am

      vto on his high horse about satire involving race? (Key as a North Korean Great Leader?). Oh irony.

      • vto 2.5.1
        4 March 2010 at 11:07 am

        aint no high horse r0b. just exposing the true colour of the human condition – it the same across the spectrum but you fullas think you are somehow superior. plain hypocrisy.

        enjoy the amusements kiddies

  3. vto 3
    4 March 2010 at 10:58 am

    well that is a very fine hair you are trying to split

  4. Lanthanide 4
    4 March 2010 at 11:01 am

    Very good. Except it should be “Right Honourable”.

    captcha: titles

    • Bright Red 4.1
      4 March 2010 at 11:13 am

      I think Clark was the last ‘Right Honourable’. Key is just Honourable.

      Yeah, you have to be appointed to the Privy Council, and Clark stopped the practice of appointing PMs and Deputy PMs to the PC.

      She herself got Right Honourable as Deputy to Moore.

      • Lanthanide 4.1.1
        4 March 2010 at 12:16 pm

        You’re correct. I didn’t know that, and only skimmed the Wikipedia article.

        captcha: admit

  5. Lew 5
    4 March 2010 at 11:03 am

    It’s really wonderful, Eddie. You’ve captured the tone just so. Made my day.

    Cheers,
    L

  6. tc 6
    4 March 2010 at 11:05 am

    Hope the media lapdogs were given plenty of water and shade and someones watching their daily intake or they may get out of condition and be unable to follow JK from one PR stunt to the next.

  7. Anne 7
    4 March 2010 at 11:14 am

    Brilliant. Thanks Eddie.

    I’m reminded of a similar splash by the Herald (of course) in the late 90s. It was Jenny Shipley opening something at the posh Kristin School on the North Shore . There were photos of happy, smiling, well nourished children paying homage to the great lady. She went down the gurgler not long afterwards so lets hope history repeats itself!

    • Lew 7.1
      4 March 2010 at 11:36 am

      What makes it all the more awesome is how similar this photo-op at the school was to the scenes from National’s (excellent and election-sealing) In a Brave Country TV ad before the election.

      L

  8. Cnr Joe 8
    4 March 2010 at 11:19 am

    ooh eddie, you are wicked – glorious stuff

    captcha – forgets

  9. gobsmacked 9
    4 March 2010 at 11:23 am

    Brilliant. If only it wasn’t lifted verbatim from the Herald …

    Today Comrade Key announces Long March. Three more days than February, glorious leader’s gift to grateful people.

  10. lprent 10
    4 March 2010 at 11:28 am

    The really hilarious thing is that Eddies post isn’t as good a satire as Derek Chengs – after you read Eddies first.

    Derek Cheng wrote a puff piece in a bullshit advertorial mode that reads exactly like an old 30’s propaganda piece (or North Korea today). The similarities are striking….

    Great post

  11. mickysavage 11
    4 March 2010 at 11:29 am

    One of your best Eddie.

    Captcha “mean”, very appropriate.

  12. Santi 12
    4 March 2010 at 11:31 am

    I’m sick of Key’s stupidity and waste of time. The country needs leadership and instead he does very little or nothing at all.

  13. Brett Dale 13
    4 March 2010 at 11:42 am

    And Helen Clark never had PR like this.

    • gobsmacked 13.1
      4 March 2010 at 11:52 am

      As always, the false comparison between Key and Clark. But there’s really no comparison at all.

      Clark had been a Cabinet Minister, Deputy PM and (very unpopular) leader of the opposition, long before she became the PM. She had plenty of hostile media coverage then. She lost an election.

      When she got the top job, she’d earned it. Any postive media coverage reflected this. It came after all the negative coverage. Key’s never had any.

  14. Daveski 14
    4 March 2010 at 11:48 am

    It WOULD have been really funny were it not for Eddie’s many attempts to deify St Helen.

    The double standard approach is becoming just as tiresome as the similar attacks on Clark were when Labour was in power.

    Funny yes.

    Hypocritical. Hell yes.

    • Bright Red 14.1
      4 March 2010 at 11:52 am

      It’s mocking the media’s adulation of a do nothing PM, daveski.

      • Daveski 14.1.1
        4 March 2010 at 12:41 pm

        Yet when he does anything he’s mocked or condemned.

        It’s no different to the abuse directed at the Aussie cricketer, Watson. He wouldn’t be abused by the fans if he wasn’t any good.

        Don’t get me wrong – it’s done well, it is funny, especially if you’ve read any of the North Korea press releases. Read the one when Kim opens up the golf course. Priceless.

        That said, for eddie of all people to extract the urine about idolatry takes the whole Griffins factory.

    • Daveo 14.2
      4 March 2010 at 11:53 am

      I can’t remember seeing much deification of Helen round here. Any sources for Eddie’s alleged “many attempts to deify St Helen”?

      • lprent 14.2.1
        4 March 2010 at 1:46 pm

        I can’t remember seeing much deification of Helen round here. Any sources for Eddie’s alleged “many attempts to deify St Helen’?

        It is one of those ubiquitous right-wing myths – like rising crime levels. Makes them feel good, but bears little resemblance to reality.

        There never was much mention of Helen Clark in our posts in 2007/8. In fact when I ran some analysis after the election about what we’d been writing about, it turned out that Michael Cullen was mentioned in the posts almost twice as often than Helen was. There were many more mentions of Winston Peters than either of them.

        That is because we write opinions on current affairs and those we oppose rather than deification.

  15. deemac 15
    4 March 2010 at 11:49 am

    surely the correct epithet is “Dear Leader” as in North Korea?

  16. Evidence-Based Practice 16
    4 March 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Helen Clark used to open school buildings and extensions regularly. Building programmes in state schools that had been neglected for decades and then funded under her government. She got great responses in the schools and in the staff rooms too as she spent time talking and listening to staff and students. But the media, apart from the local community paper, was rarely interested. Key goes on one visit to a private school and it’s a major news story.

  17. Sanctuary 17
    4 March 2010 at 12:19 pm

    I just read read Anne Tolley’s latest press release in the Herald – We’ve always been at war with those foreign devils in Eastasia!!!!

    DOWN WITH EASTASIA!!!!

    • Kahui Twins = NZ fail 17.1
      4 March 2010 at 12:34 pm

      can’t find it, please post a link

      • Tigger 17.1.1
        4 March 2010 at 12:59 pm

        I look forward cheering at the latest footage of our Oceanian army crushing the Eastasian scum underneath their boots. I have a Junior Anti-Sex-League meeting tonight though so can someone tape the coverage for me?

  18. ak 18
    4 March 2010 at 12:45 pm

    heh heh, classic Eddie, made my day too. That pic could become an icon for every tory lounge:
    “Chairman Mouse and the Parnell Peasant Girls”

  19. Anne 19
    4 March 2010 at 12:55 pm

    It is interesting to note that on the few occasions the TV cameras were present when Helen Clark was visiting a school, she was always in classroom participating in the lessons with the children or reading to them. I don’t recall any of these “royal tour” type photo opportunities so beloved of National leaders.

  20. Camden Whelk 20
    4 March 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Honorable Leader is role model for young girls. They all want to be him when they grow up!

  21. Robb 21
    4 March 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I believe the last thing Helen opened was a wing at the University of Auckland funded by Owen Glenn. Now there was a photo op but both Helen and Owen didn’t seem that happy (wonder why).

    • Bright Red 21.1
      4 March 2010 at 2:03 pm

      Yeah, if only she spent her days high fiving school girls, then unemployment would have been below 4%, wages would have been up, and crime would have been going down…

      … oh, wait, I’m confused.

  22. Olwyn 22
    4 March 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Given the adulation in which this man is bathed by the MSM, a version of Stand By Your Man should surely be a candidate for a new national anthem:

    Sometimes it’s hard to be a kiwi
    Giving all your love to just one man
    You’ll have bad times
    And he’ll have good times
    Doin things that you don’t understand
    But if you love him
    You’ll forgive him
    Even though he’s hard to understand
    And if you love him
    Oh, be proud of him
    Cause after all he’s just a man

  23. reddy 23
    4 March 2010 at 2:04 pm

    @Brett Dale

    In fact Clark had the opposite of this. She was subject to constant smear about how masculine she was, about her childlessness, and snide comments about her and her husband.

    Unable to demonise her politics effectively they demonised her as a women in a leader’s role.

    With Key it’s the opposite. Unable to laud any political acheivements he gets built up into this desirable husband and cool dad to the nation.

    Following up on the sexiest politician poll (something that worked well for Melissa Lee it should be noted) the Herald runs a front page piece about a single sex girls school going giddy and breathless.

    ‘”He’s such an inspirational role-model,” gushed one. “He’s so cool,” was another star-struck accolade. ‘

    I’m suprised they didn’t sick up as well after all that saccharine.

  24. Policy Parrot 24
    4 March 2010 at 2:11 pm

    The commentary reminds me of the Rudd youtube video that was going around prior to the 2007 federal election. So technically, it is plagiarism.

    Even found the link. 😛

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptccZze7VxQ

    Funny though, and accurate, though.

    captcha: “subjects”. LOL

    • Policy Parrot 24.1
      4 March 2010 at 2:18 pm

      “Funny though, and accurate, though.”

      This is obviously in reference to Key.

    • Galeandra 24.2
      4 March 2010 at 9:56 pm

      So technically, it is plagiarism.

      Rubbish, I had kids writing skits and parodies like this nearly 40 years ago in the English classroom as we wrestled with that crusty UB topic “The Language of Propaganda”. The children of the capitalist runnings dogs were always mightily amused. Reams of the ‘real’ stuff were handed out out on street corners on Friday nights. The lexicon and style tended to be ubiquitous, though the places the columns were recycled from varied- from USSR to China and N Vietnam, depending on the affiliations of the activist groupos who supplied them.

      Given the Orwellian abuse of language espoused by the right today, I think Comrade Leader Key fills the bill admirably.

  25. Evidence-Based Practice 25
    4 March 2010 at 2:16 pm

    The school in this story is the only private girls’ school in the Hutt Valley, and one of only 3 private girls’ schools in the whole Wellington region. For a Wellington audience it just shouts elitism.

  26. Rob M 26
    4 March 2010 at 2:22 pm

    A C_ _t of a Personality?

    With Journalists like these . . . who needs thieves in centrist clothing.

  27. Zaphod Beeblebrox 27
    4 March 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I thought the personality cult stuff in NZ was reserved for Finance Company Directors, Religious sects like Destiny, Paris Hilton, Eric Watson and ex-All Blacks.

  28. roger nome 28
    4 March 2010 at 2:35 pm

    “just exposing the true colour of the human condition”

    You’ve got a fairly warped perspective of “the human condition” then. It’s just essentialist tripe. People’s perceptions of the “human condition” tend to be self-fulfilling. What does that say about you VTO?

  29. Craig Glen Eden 29
    4 March 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Why is it that Key uses young girls in his PR stunts? Seems to be a bit of a theme developing. I am waiting for his” I am relaxed about it line ” changing to “Its like,its just like, like you know oh my god ” I am sure if Whaleoil could get a few beers into him you could get him to sing to “Im to sexy for my shirt” or something similar maybe .

  30. conspiracry facts 30
    4 March 2010 at 2:49 pm

    and today, strangely, no mention on the Stuff main pages about the youth tax, the right to fire, or drivers licence restrictions.
    guess they want the kids soft and pliable for the ‘K luvs Ya bb’ photos tomorrow

  31. Irascible 31
    4 March 2010 at 3:48 pm

    The comments from some of the more righteous writers demonstrate why satire has disappeared from the comedy scene on the stage, the radio and TV they’re evidence of the Brash analysis of the NZer…

  32. NickS 32
    4 March 2010 at 5:31 pm

    /rolleyes

    Except of course even in Swift’s time, many in the educated classes took A Modest Proposal the wrong way, and since some seem to like using their inability to critically think as a reason to attack someone, or moan at authority about it.

  33. Puddleglum 33
    4 March 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Am I allowed to hope against hope that either:

    1. Derek Cheng was doing a subversive, OTT piss-take of the PR spin that is National’s puerile condescension towards New Zealanders;

    or

    2. The girls were themselves taking the piss of JK and their irony sailed over both JK’s and Cheng’s heads?

    If not, then:

    1. Cheng needs to find another day job;

    and

    2. there goes the theory that modern youth are more savvy and worldly wise than any preceding generation (I thought this was an ‘elite’ school!? Don’t they at least try to teach critical thinking there?).

    A truly embarrassing bit of nothing, so far as politics goes, but a brilliant piece of satire from Eddie.

    P.S. I hate to think what Cheng would have made of my first day of High School back in the 70s. Nine hundred of us packed into the assembly hall on one of those hotter than hot February days; 3rd and 4th formers standing like vertical sardines at the back wearing their compulsory itchy woollen shirts and long shorts, woollen socks pulled up to the knees, noses pressed into the lower backs of the woollen-blazered fifth formers in front of them; at least three groans followed by thuds as the bodies of 12, 13 or 14 year old boys hit the floorboards only to be quickly spirited away by hulking, first fifteen monitors to the dark, cold depths of the basement below. Foolishly, at the time I put it down to Cheng’s first two possibilities: the heat and the heavy uniforms. But, no, it could only have been, ‘the presence of the star!’ In our case, ‘the star’ would have been the Headmaster, I guess. A WWII vet who must have been in his 60s. He did wear his mortarboard with a certain jaunty imperiousness and, who knows, as he strode to the lectern, robes flowing majestically, cane in hand … yes, enough to give at least a few swooning young boys giddy faints of adoration, I suppose.

  34. just saying 34
    4 March 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Thank you!
    Today of all days I really needed a good belly laugh.
    Very clever.

  35. Jemima 35
    8 March 2010 at 7:41 pm

    The Dominion Post article was hilarious. It said that some girls fainted in all of the excitement. How absolutely splendid for the Chilton girls. Meeting their God, the rich and fabulous John Key. He is seen as Godly in their eyes, with his ability to make money and separate the Upper Class from the other commoners. When he went to a state school in Wellington, My sister’s school, Thorndon, people were not happy. My brother (who also goes their) asked for an autograph he could ceremoniously burn…Chilton (and other private schools) obviously doesn’t need anymore government funding. Low decile schools in low income areas need the money more.

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