web analytics

Imperator Fish: My statement to the New Zealand Herald

Written By: - Date published: 2:35 pm, June 26th, 2014 - 14 comments
Categories: humour, Satire - Tags: , ,

Reposted from Imperator Fish.

Dear Jared Savage

I don’t know if you read the blogs. You should, because they’re dead good. Especially Kiwiblog and Whaleoil. Anyway, I’ve got another scoop for you.

Please let me know when you plan to publish.

MY STATEMENT TO THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

  1. My name is Scott Yorke. I am a respected lawyer, entertainer, philanthropist, educator, musician, humanitarian, philosopher, and pastry chef.
  2. I am the holder of numerous awards, including a primary school certificate of merit for excellence in spelling, and a first prize in a rugby club chook raffle about seven years ago.
  3. I am of good character, having not been convicted of an offence punishable by imprisonment for almost three months.
  4. On either 3 June 2007 or 16 May 1994, I was approached by a prominent member of the Labour Party, who asked if I would be prepared to donate money to the party. I agreed, but on the sole condition that I would be allowed to nominate at least three cabinet members in the next Labour government. Terms were agreed, and I then wrote a cheque out to the party for a hundred million billion trillion dollars.
  5. I did not get a receipt.
  6. Following this donation I attended a number of Labour Party functions, all of which resulted in further donations of cash from me.
  7. At one function I was offered and accepted a private lapdance as thanks for my efforts. I remember this clearly, because I was forced to flee the function after Trevor Mallard turned up dressed in nothing but a g-string.
  8. At another function I was flown by helicopter to Auckland International Airport and put on a private jet filled with Labour Party MPs. We flew to Nairobi, and then engaged in a twelve day African safari. On day seven of the safari we travelled by hot air balloon. Unfortunately, the presence of so many MPs in the basket resulted in the balloon being over-inflated with hot air. As a result, we were unable to descend until a number of those MPs agreed to jump from the basket to their deaths.
  9. During the safari I managed to shoot three white rhinos, an elephant, twelve lions, and a sheep. We had some difficulties getting the rhino horns back to New Zealand, but Helen Clark, who was on the trip, agreed to smuggle them in her personal luggage.
  10. When I returned to New Zealand I was immediately arrested by the police for my role in various atrocities during the Balkan conflicts of the 1990s. Once at the police station I called one of my friends in the Labour Party and asked for help. The police put me in a holding cell while they decided what to do, but two hours after my phone call the station was stormed by a team of crack commandos, who killed everyone but me. I was blindfolded, taken from the station, and driven to the coast. There they put me on a small boat and rowed me to another vessel. All this time I was blindfolded.
  11. I spent three days in that vessel, all the time blindfolded but otherwise treated well. My captors would not tell me what was going on or who they were, but it was clear to me that my friends in Labour had arranged this. I was subsequently dropped on a deserted beach on the west coast of the South Island with nothing but the clothes I was wearing, and a backpack containing a unicycle, a clothes peg, and a copy of Dan Brown’s forgotten masterpiece Deception Point. The trip back to Auckland was a slow one, as it took me some weeks to learn how to ride the unicycle, but I was able to sustain myself by eating small portions of the clothes peg.
  12. I had no further trouble with the police after I got home, although I continue to this day to receive unwelcome correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia.
  13. I would like to know what happened to all the money I gave to Labour. Where did it go? I’m pretty sure they could have bought a nice boat with the money I gave them, or maybe some bonus bonds. But the party is forever crying poor. I do not understand what happened to the hundred million billion trillion dollars I gave them.
  14. I rang my friend in Labour last week and asked what had happened to the money. “This isn’t the Labour Party HQ,” he said. “This is Jiffy Drycleaning. I think you have the wrong number.” It’s pretty clear what’s happening now. They’re pretending I don’t exist. They don’t even want to know me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, after we shared all those wonderful times together.
  15. I now read with concern that the same thing happened to Donghua Liu. He also gave money to the Labour Party, but they also claim to have no record of the man.  I’m not sure if his experiences of the Labour Party involved hot air balloons, hunting animals to extinction, or the Hutt South MP in a g-string, but it sounds like Mr Liu and I have a lot in common.
  16. I would like answers from the Labour Party to a number of questions. They include:
    • Why is there no record of my donation to the party?
    • Why is the Labour Party operating from a drycleaning business?
    • What happened to my rhino horns? Did Helen Clark take them with her when she took that UN job?
    • Why was I given a Dan Brown book? What does it mean?
    • Where did I put my slippers?
  17. I am prepared to swear an affidavit as to the matters set out in this statement, provided that it is sworn under the law of a country that does not have an extradition treaty with New Zealand.

Update

It appears that my above statement contained a few minor errors. I wish to make a few points of clarification:

  1. It may or may not have been the Labour Party that I donated to. I recall the word “party” being used on a number of occasions, although on reflection this may have been “patty”. Indeed, my bank statements show that on 3 June 2007 I paid $6.99 to the Mad Butcher for a kilogram of beef patties, although I would have assumed at the time that the Mad Butcher would pass that payment on to Labour. I would like to understand better the nature of the relationship between the Mad Butcher and the Labour Party.
  2. I have now checked my passport, and I now accept that I never flew to Nairobi, and that I did not go on an African safari. But I did fly to Wellington in 2007 on business. It should not be too hard for the Labour Party to locate records of a rhino hunt that took place in Wellington in 2007.
  3. I cannot now be certain of receiving a lapdance from a Labour Party MP. I may be getting Trevor Mallard and former ACT MP David Garrett mixed up.
  4. I did commit a number of atrocities in the former Yugoslavia, but no-one has ever fingered me for them. I have also never received any correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia. I can now confirm that the correspondences in question were from Inland Revenue.
  5. I was not broken out of prison by a team of crack commandos. My statement was meant to read at paragraph 10: “I attended the Ellerslie Flower Show after returning from Wellington, and was impressed by the extraordinarily high quality of many of the displays.” This was a simple transcription error.

In all other respects my original statement is true and correct in all respects.


History

14 comments on “Imperator Fish: My statement to the New Zealand Herald”

  1. Clemgeopin 2

    Hilarious! Enjoyed it thoroughly.

    Just wondered why you avoided outing Williamson, Key and the three or more-way secret handshakes.

  2. Tom Jackson 3

    I nearly wet myself reading this (and no I don’t customarily suffer from incontinence).

    Scott Yorke >>>>>>>>>> Ben Wafflehat or Wiffleball or whatever his name is.

  3. Media O Crity 4

    Classic, love your post Imperator

    In the form of not the Nine O’Clock News and Charlie Brookers Newswipe, well done you.

    Maybe you could setup a weekly post on The Standard called Not the Herald.

    Actually, how much do TV news presenters and the reporters for our wonderful paper puppet media earn? ($70,000 to $450,000 I heard).

    Here is an idea, for the majority NZ commercial meda, as they parrot all the same crap, why not pay kids with ADHD and memory loss to read it out, or maybe a guest reader from the old folks home (you know a grumpy old veteran who has seen it all before). Hell get, listdexics, lexicsdys, I mean dyslexics to write it.

    It would be a truck load more entertaining and probably more honest.

    I mean seriously, most of the news readers look like they went to the same, “lets place our fingertips together and look like your favorite religious figure pose school”. Kind of Thunderbird figures, where you see the strings attached to their bodies, lips etc…..all melded and coalesced into the one mundane character..chanting the same BS.

    Keep up the good work +100 Imperator

  4. jaymam 5

    It’s interesting that many comments on Kiwiblog (I read it so that you don’t have to) are quite critical of the Herald and DPF. Whaleoil commenters are continuing to be as stupid as usual.

    • David H 5.1

      Then I at least thank you for being so selfless on my behalf. Thank you

      But it could have been worse, it could have been Wailoil…

  5. Tigger 6

    A+.

    Why did you leave out your contributions to David Cunliffe’s holiday home secret blind trust charity?

  6. Olwyn 7

    Hilarious! If you ever get sick of lawyering, the Herald will be quick to snap you up – you certainly meet their journalism standards.

  7. Charlieboy 8

    Hey, a gold lining from the Herald beat up, Comedy gold! The best weapon against the Natz dirty tricks. Power to your pen Mr Fish.

  8. Jack 9

    Obviously Professional Journalism Standards no longer exist and journalists/bloggers can write whatever they want without fear of being held to account unless someone has the time and the money to take legal action against the journalist/blogger???

    • Colonial Viper 9.1

      NZ Herald going for best fiction writing of the year award (“inspired by real life events” category)

  9. m Thomas 10

    I hope this was actually emailed to Jared Savage and Tim Murphy.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts


History

  • Crime states paint a dismal picture
    The crime statistics released today paint a picture of crime on the increase as Judith Collin’s promise of more front line cops fails to materialise, says Labour’s Police spokesman Stuart Nash “There were over 9500 more burglaries, almost 4,000 more ...
    2 hours ago
  • Nick Smith must urgently intervene to avoid housing delays
    National must urgently legislate to make the unitary plan operable while allowing a high court challenge against to make its way through the legal process, Labour’s Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Auckland desperately needs this plan right away to ...
    1 day ago
  • Kiwis drowning in debt in out of control housing market
    New statistics reveal Kiwis are taking on record levels of debt in order to get into the housing market, as prices continue to outstrip incomes, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “Stats NZ has today revealed real estate loans ...
    1 day ago
  • Planning reform report a turning point?
     A joint report from business and environmentalists on the Resource Management laws could be a turning point for both planning and environmental protection, says Labour’s Environment spokesperson David Parker.  “The four organisations, the Environmental Defence Society, the Property Council, the ...
    1 day ago
  • Privatisation and deregulation not the solution
    Deregulation, privatisation, and shifting more of the cost onto students isn’t the way to address inequality, lack of innovation and declining participation in tertiary education, says Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins. ...
    1 day ago
  • Homeownership out of reach for middle income Aucklanders
    New figures show that even middle income Aucklanders are finding themselves unable to afford to buy a first home as National’s housing crisis rolls on, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “New data released by interest.co.nz shows that the lower ...
    2 days ago
  • More toilet cleaners or more tradespeople?
    The Government is not doing enough to help the construction and trades sector meet its workforce demand, instead steering students towards cleaning toilets, says Labour’s Skills and Training spokesperson Jenny Salesa. ...
    2 days ago
  • More cracks appear in health funding
    News that the Waikato District Health Board could lose $2.7 million from its budget because it failed to make an elective target is downright disturbing, says Labour’s Acting Health spokesperson Dr David Clark.  “This is a DHB that has tried ...
    2 days ago
  • Student debt cracks the billion mark
    New figures showing that student loan defaulters have now clocked over $1 billion in debt highlights National's failure to combat spiralling student loan debt, Labour's Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. "Threatening to arrest returning student loan borrowers at the ...
    3 days ago
  • Foreign Students just a commodity to National
    National MP Kanwaljit Singh Bakshi has confirmed that his party sees international students as nothing more than a commodity, says Labour's Immigration spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway. "Mr Bakshi’s appalling comparison of some students to 'faulty fridges' that should be returned to ...
    4 days ago
  • Tolley’s spin on Education spend doesn’t add up
    National’s spin about school funding won’t wash with parents who are paying more and more of the cost of their kids’ education every year, says Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins.  “All the spin in the world can’t hide the fact ...
    4 days ago
  • National not facing up to export challenge
    “The latest export data from Statistics New Zealand paints a picture of an economy which is not paying its way in the world, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Exports fell 9% - led by milk powder exports falling to ...
    4 days ago
  • Correction over Talley’s statement
    Labour’s Workplace Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway has been advised by AFFCO Ltd that AFFCO is not advertising for staff in the Manawatu through MSD as stated in a press statement released earlier today.  “I have been advised by AFFCO that ...
    7 days ago
  • Minister, cut your losses – withdraw this doomed Bill
    Local Government Minister Sam Lotu-Iiga’s request for a five month extension on the report back date for the Local Government Act 2002 Amendment Bill (No 2) is an admission that the Bill is fundamentally flawed, says Labour’s Local Government Spokesperson ...
    7 days ago
  • Coleman’s cuts create crisis
    Mental health services in New Zealand are in a state of crisis with Youthline saying that calls for extreme depression doubled last year, says Labour’s Associate Health spokesperson Dr David Clark.  “About 150 young Kiwis are missing out on help ...
    7 days ago
  • Government helping Talley’s to break workers
    The Ministry for Social Development appears to be assisting Talley’s-Affco replace experienced workers effectively locked out by the company, say Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni and Workplace Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway. “MSD is advertising for meat processing workers for ...
    1 week ago
  • Electives lag due to $1.7 billion hole
    The lag in hip and knee replacements is a direct consequence of the Government’s $1.7 billion underfunding of health, says Labour’s Associate Health spokesperson Dr David Clark.  “A comprehensive study by the University of Otago says that the rate of ...
    1 week ago
  • Speech to Master Builders’ Constructive conference
    Today’s all about being Constructive. And that is good because I believe there is a hunger out there for positive solutions. We must be able to believe there can be a better future. ...
    1 week ago
  • Māori Party housing plan complete failure
    The Māori Party’s housing plan to put more Māori into more homes has been a complete failure with fewer than five loans granted per year, says Labour’s Maori Development spokesperson Kelvin Davis. ...
    1 week ago
  • Fund IRD better to go after tax avoiders
    National’s Tax Working Group used the following graph (p30) in 2010 as part of their justification to cut the top tax rate. The big peaks around the top tax threshold were evidence of a suspiciously high number of taxpayers ...
    GreensBy robert.ashe
    1 week ago
  • Pasifika youth ignored by the Government
    The Adolescent Health Research Group’s new report on the wellbeing of young Pacific people shines a spotlight on the Government’s failure  to deliver any “brighter future” for them, says Labour’s Pacific Island Affairs spokesperson Su’a William Sio.  “Their research shows ...
    1 week ago
  • Police in the provinces are dissatisfied
    Police in the cities of Gisborne, Napier and Hastings are a lot more unhappy than their big city cousins says Labour’s Police Spokesman Stuart Nash.     “In fact the top four districts for enjoyable work within NZ Police are ...
    1 week ago
  • Govt action needed after Wheeler holds
    The Reserve Bank Governor’s warning that “excessive house price inflation” is posing a risk to financial stability puts the pressure back on the Government to take action to address the housing crisis, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Graeme Wheeler’s ...
    1 week ago
  • Minister confirms – new ministry only about abuse
    ...
    1 week ago
  • Silver Ferns Farms decision a tragedy
    The rubber stamping by the Overseas Investment Office of the Shanghai Maling buyout of Silver Fern Farms is a sorry day for the once proud New Zealand meat sector, says Labour’s spokesperson for Primary Industries, Damien O’Connor.  “Generations of Kiwis ...
    1 week ago
  • Benching Nick Smith first step to Kermadec solution
    Side-lining Nick Smith must be the first step in sorting out the Government's Kermadec debacle, says Labour's Fisheries Spokesperson Rino Tirikatene. “Last week Labour called for Nick Smith to be removed from further negotiations with Te Ohu Kaimoana over the ...
    1 week ago
  • Parents, schools, teachers oppose bulk funding
    Overwhelming opposition to the National Government’s school bulk funding proposal is unsurprising and Hekia Parata should now unequivocally rule out proceeding with the idea, Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. “Bulk funding could only lead to bigger class sizes or ...
    1 week ago
  • MBIE gives up on enforcing the law
      The Government must provide labour inspectors with the resources they need to enforce basic employment law after reports that MBIE is only prosecuting the worst cases, says Labour’s Workplace Relations and Safety spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway.  “Today’s news that MBIE ...
    1 week ago
  • West Coast population declines amid bleak economic forecast
    Despite the country experiencing record population growth, the number of people living in the West Coast fell, highlighting struggles in the region from low commodity prices and a poor economic forecast, says Labour’s Economic Development spokesperson David Clark. “The latest ...
    1 week ago
  • Recovery roadblocks cause for concern
    Strong pressure on mental health services, a flagging local economy and widespread issues with dodgy earthquake repairs are all causes for concern for people in Canterbury according to a new survey, says Labour’s Canterbury spokesperson Megan Woods. “Today the CDHB’s ...
    1 week ago
  • Motel purchase must not kick people onto the street
    The Government’s purchase of a South Auckland motel to house the homeless must come with a promise that the current long term tenants will not be kicked out onto the streets, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “It is bizarre ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Not everyone singing along to so-called rock star economy
    The Westpac McDermott Miller Confidence Survey shows there is serious unease about the economy’s ability to deliver benefits to many New Zealanders, despite the Government trumpeting headline figures, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “According to this survey a significantly ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Youth no better off under National’s “guarantee”
    John Key’s Youth Guarantee is such a spectacular failure that those who undertake the programme are more likely to end up on a benefit and less likely to end up in full-time employment than those who don’t, Leader of the ...
    2 weeks ago
  • More low-skilled students becoming residents
    New figures showing international students now make up nearly 40 per cent of all principal applicants approved for New Zealand residency and that their skill level has fallen dramatically, are further evidence that National’s immigration system is broken, says Labour’s ...
    2 weeks ago
  • 35% of offshore speculators paying no tax
    Offshore investors are aggressively exploiting tax breaks to pay no tax on their rental properties according to IRD data released by Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “35% of offshore investors are paying no tax on their properties, and are pocketing ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Friday fish dump stinks
    This government has dumped bad news on a Friday to try to avoid political scrutiny in Parliament, says Labour’s Environment spokesperson David Parker. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • OECD report card: National must try harder
    The OECD report on education shows there’s much more to be done for young Kiwis, Labour’s education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kermadec stoush shows Maori Party double-standards
    The Māori Party’s reaction to the trampled Treaty rights and the Government’s lack of consultation on the Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary reeks of the same arrogant mismanagement of the unpopular Maori land reforms, Ikaroa-Rāwhiti MP Meka Whaitiri says. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Flawed fish dumping calls
    The finding that MPI failed to properly enforce the law even when it had evidence of fish dumping seriously damages the trust and credibility of the Ministry, the industry and this Government, Labour's Fisheries Spokesperson Rino Tirikatene says. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Sidestepping Smith should be side-lined
    Nick Smith's arrogance and disrespect towards Māori is putting the future of the Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary at risk and he needs to excuse himself from further negotiations with Te Ohu Kaimoana, Labour's Fisheries spokesperson Rino Tirikatene says. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government must respond to cash for jobs scam
    Urgent Government action is required to halt  the emerging cash-for-jobs immigration scandal that is taking hold in New Zealand says Labour’s Immigration Spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway.  “Stories of rogue immigration agents scamming thousands of dollars from migrant workers are just further ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government dragging its feet on surgical mesh
    Jonathan Coleman is dragging his feet over any action to protect New Zealanders from more disasters with surgical mesh, says Health Spokesperson Annette King.  “The Government’s pathetic response is to claim all will be fixed by a new regime to ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour’s baby number app goes gangbusters
    An interactive tool that celebrates Labour’s achievements in health over the decades has become an online hit, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.  “Since the tool was launched last night, 18 thousand people have used it to find their baby ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Real disposable income falls in last three months
    Kiwis are working harder than ever but real disposable income per person fell in the last quarter thanks to record population increases, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson said. ‘In Budget 2016 the National Government said that what mattered most for ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Baby number app celebrates Labour achievements
    Labour has launched an interactive tool that allows New Zealanders to take a look back at our achievements in health over the decades, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.  “Today is the 78th anniversary of the Social Security Act 1938, ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Legal experts unpick Māori land reforms
    One of New Zealand’s top law firms has joined the chorus of legal experts heavily critical of the controversial Te Ture Whenua Maori Bill, adding more weight to the evidence that the reforms fall well beneath the robust legal standards ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Industries most reliant on immigration worst offenders
    The industries most reliant on immigration are the worst offenders when it comes to meeting their most basic employment obligations, says Labour’s Immigration spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway.  “The industries that are most reliant on immigration are Hospitality, Administration, Agriculture, Forestry and ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Time to remove law that discriminates against sole parents
    It’s time to repeal a harmful law that sanctions those who do not name the other parent of their child, Labour’s Social Development Spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni says. “Every week, 17,000 children are missing out because their sole parent is being ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government handling of Kermadecs threatens Treaty rights
    ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Prime Minister should give Police Minister some backbone
    The Prime Minister should condemn the ridiculously light sentence given to Nikolas Delegat for seriously assaulting a police woman, Labour’s Police spokesman Stuart Nash says. ...
    2 weeks ago


History


History


History