web analytics

Imperator Fish: My statement to the New Zealand Herald

Written By: - Date published: 2:35 pm, June 26th, 2014 - 14 comments
Categories: humour, Satire - Tags: , ,

Reposted from Imperator Fish.

Dear Jared Savage

I don’t know if you read the blogs. You should, because they’re dead good. Especially Kiwiblog and Whaleoil. Anyway, I’ve got another scoop for you.

Please let me know when you plan to publish.

MY STATEMENT TO THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

  1. My name is Scott Yorke. I am a respected lawyer, entertainer, philanthropist, educator, musician, humanitarian, philosopher, and pastry chef.
  2. I am the holder of numerous awards, including a primary school certificate of merit for excellence in spelling, and a first prize in a rugby club chook raffle about seven years ago.
  3. I am of good character, having not been convicted of an offence punishable by imprisonment for almost three months.
  4. On either 3 June 2007 or 16 May 1994, I was approached by a prominent member of the Labour Party, who asked if I would be prepared to donate money to the party. I agreed, but on the sole condition that I would be allowed to nominate at least three cabinet members in the next Labour government. Terms were agreed, and I then wrote a cheque out to the party for a hundred million billion trillion dollars.
  5. I did not get a receipt.
  6. Following this donation I attended a number of Labour Party functions, all of which resulted in further donations of cash from me.
  7. At one function I was offered and accepted a private lapdance as thanks for my efforts. I remember this clearly, because I was forced to flee the function after Trevor Mallard turned up dressed in nothing but a g-string.
  8. At another function I was flown by helicopter to Auckland International Airport and put on a private jet filled with Labour Party MPs. We flew to Nairobi, and then engaged in a twelve day African safari. On day seven of the safari we travelled by hot air balloon. Unfortunately, the presence of so many MPs in the basket resulted in the balloon being over-inflated with hot air. As a result, we were unable to descend until a number of those MPs agreed to jump from the basket to their deaths.
  9. During the safari I managed to shoot three white rhinos, an elephant, twelve lions, and a sheep. We had some difficulties getting the rhino horns back to New Zealand, but Helen Clark, who was on the trip, agreed to smuggle them in her personal luggage.
  10. When I returned to New Zealand I was immediately arrested by the police for my role in various atrocities during the Balkan conflicts of the 1990s. Once at the police station I called one of my friends in the Labour Party and asked for help. The police put me in a holding cell while they decided what to do, but two hours after my phone call the station was stormed by a team of crack commandos, who killed everyone but me. I was blindfolded, taken from the station, and driven to the coast. There they put me on a small boat and rowed me to another vessel. All this time I was blindfolded.
  11. I spent three days in that vessel, all the time blindfolded but otherwise treated well. My captors would not tell me what was going on or who they were, but it was clear to me that my friends in Labour had arranged this. I was subsequently dropped on a deserted beach on the west coast of the South Island with nothing but the clothes I was wearing, and a backpack containing a unicycle, a clothes peg, and a copy of Dan Brown’s forgotten masterpiece Deception Point. The trip back to Auckland was a slow one, as it took me some weeks to learn how to ride the unicycle, but I was able to sustain myself by eating small portions of the clothes peg.
  12. I had no further trouble with the police after I got home, although I continue to this day to receive unwelcome correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia.
  13. I would like to know what happened to all the money I gave to Labour. Where did it go? I’m pretty sure they could have bought a nice boat with the money I gave them, or maybe some bonus bonds. But the party is forever crying poor. I do not understand what happened to the hundred million billion trillion dollars I gave them.
  14. I rang my friend in Labour last week and asked what had happened to the money. “This isn’t the Labour Party HQ,” he said. “This is Jiffy Drycleaning. I think you have the wrong number.” It’s pretty clear what’s happening now. They’re pretending I don’t exist. They don’t even want to know me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, after we shared all those wonderful times together.
  15. I now read with concern that the same thing happened to Donghua Liu. He also gave money to the Labour Party, but they also claim to have no record of the man.  I’m not sure if his experiences of the Labour Party involved hot air balloons, hunting animals to extinction, or the Hutt South MP in a g-string, but it sounds like Mr Liu and I have a lot in common.
  16. I would like answers from the Labour Party to a number of questions. They include:
    • Why is there no record of my donation to the party?
    • Why is the Labour Party operating from a drycleaning business?
    • What happened to my rhino horns? Did Helen Clark take them with her when she took that UN job?
    • Why was I given a Dan Brown book? What does it mean?
    • Where did I put my slippers?
  17. I am prepared to swear an affidavit as to the matters set out in this statement, provided that it is sworn under the law of a country that does not have an extradition treaty with New Zealand.

Update

It appears that my above statement contained a few minor errors. I wish to make a few points of clarification:

  1. It may or may not have been the Labour Party that I donated to. I recall the word “party” being used on a number of occasions, although on reflection this may have been “patty”. Indeed, my bank statements show that on 3 June 2007 I paid $6.99 to the Mad Butcher for a kilogram of beef patties, although I would have assumed at the time that the Mad Butcher would pass that payment on to Labour. I would like to understand better the nature of the relationship between the Mad Butcher and the Labour Party.
  2. I have now checked my passport, and I now accept that I never flew to Nairobi, and that I did not go on an African safari. But I did fly to Wellington in 2007 on business. It should not be too hard for the Labour Party to locate records of a rhino hunt that took place in Wellington in 2007.
  3. I cannot now be certain of receiving a lapdance from a Labour Party MP. I may be getting Trevor Mallard and former ACT MP David Garrett mixed up.
  4. I did commit a number of atrocities in the former Yugoslavia, but no-one has ever fingered me for them. I have also never received any correspondences from the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia. I can now confirm that the correspondences in question were from Inland Revenue.
  5. I was not broken out of prison by a team of crack commandos. My statement was meant to read at paragraph 10: “I attended the Ellerslie Flower Show after returning from Wellington, and was impressed by the extraordinarily high quality of many of the displays.” This was a simple transcription error.

In all other respects my original statement is true and correct in all respects.

14 comments on “Imperator Fish: My statement to the New Zealand Herald ”

  1. Ms X 1

    Perfect.

  2. Clemgeopin 2

    Hilarious! Enjoyed it thoroughly.

    Just wondered why you avoided outing Williamson, Key and the three or more-way secret handshakes.

  3. Tom Jackson 3

    I nearly wet myself reading this (and no I don’t customarily suffer from incontinence).

    Scott Yorke >>>>>>>>>> Ben Wafflehat or Wiffleball or whatever his name is.

  4. Media O Crity 4

    Classic, love your post Imperator

    In the form of not the Nine O’Clock News and Charlie Brookers Newswipe, well done you.

    Maybe you could setup a weekly post on The Standard called Not the Herald.

    Actually, how much do TV news presenters and the reporters for our wonderful paper puppet media earn? ($70,000 to $450,000 I heard).

    Here is an idea, for the majority NZ commercial meda, as they parrot all the same crap, why not pay kids with ADHD and memory loss to read it out, or maybe a guest reader from the old folks home (you know a grumpy old veteran who has seen it all before). Hell get, listdexics, lexicsdys, I mean dyslexics to write it.

    It would be a truck load more entertaining and probably more honest.

    I mean seriously, most of the news readers look like they went to the same, “lets place our fingertips together and look like your favorite religious figure pose school”. Kind of Thunderbird figures, where you see the strings attached to their bodies, lips etc…..all melded and coalesced into the one mundane character..chanting the same BS.

    Keep up the good work +100 Imperator

  5. jaymam 5

    It’s interesting that many comments on Kiwiblog (I read it so that you don’t have to) are quite critical of the Herald and DPF. Whaleoil commenters are continuing to be as stupid as usual.

    • David H 5.1

      Then I at least thank you for being so selfless on my behalf. Thank you

      But it could have been worse, it could have been Wailoil…

  6. Tigger 6

    A+.

    Why did you leave out your contributions to David Cunliffe’s holiday home secret blind trust charity?

  7. Olwyn 7

    Hilarious! If you ever get sick of lawyering, the Herald will be quick to snap you up – you certainly meet their journalism standards.

  8. Charlieboy 8

    Hey, a gold lining from the Herald beat up, Comedy gold! The best weapon against the Natz dirty tricks. Power to your pen Mr Fish.

  9. Jack 9

    Obviously Professional Journalism Standards no longer exist and journalists/bloggers can write whatever they want without fear of being held to account unless someone has the time and the money to take legal action against the journalist/blogger???

    • Colonial Viper 9.1

      NZ Herald going for best fiction writing of the year award (“inspired by real life events” category)

  10. m Thomas 10

    I hope this was actually emailed to Jared Savage and Tim Murphy.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • NZ secures new Pfizer COVID-19 medicine
    New Zealand has secured supplies of another medicine to treat COVID-19, Health Minister Andrew Little announced today. “In October, New Zealand was one of the first countries in the world to make an advance purchase of a promising new antiviral drug, molnupiravir,” Andrew Little said. “Today I am pleased to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 hours ago
  • Strong Pipeline for Construction Sector
    Strong pipeline ahead for the construction sector Infrastructure activity forecast to reach $11.2 billion in 2026 Construction sector now the fourth biggest employer with more than 280 000 people working in the industry Residential construction the largest contributor to national construction activity. Minister for Building and Construction Poto Williams says ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 hours ago
  • Regenerative agriculture research receives Government boost
    The Government continues to invest in farm sustainability, this time backing two new research projects to investigate the impacts of regenerative farming practices, Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor announced today. Soil health and regenerative agriculture “We’re contributing $2.8 million to a $3.85 million five-year project with co-investment by Synlait Milk and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • David McLean appointed as KiwiRail chair
    David McLean has been appointed as Chair of KiwiRail Holdings Ltd, the Minister for State Owned Enterprises Dr David Clark and Minister of Finance Grant Robertson announced today. “Minister Clark and I are confident that David’s extensive business knowledge and leadership experience, including his time as former Chief Executive and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • New Ambassador to Turkey announced
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of Zoe Coulson-Sinclair as New Zealand’s next Ambassador to Turkey. “Aotearoa New Zealand and Turkey’s relationship is one of mutual respect and underpinned by our shared Gallipoli experience,” Nanaia Mahuta said. “Turkey is also a generous ANZAC Day host and has ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Announcement of new Consul-General in Guangzhou
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of Rachel Crump as New Zealand’s next Consul-General in Guangzhou, China. “China is one of Aotearoa New Zealand’s most significant relationships – it is our largest trading partner, and an influential regional and global actor,” Nanaia Mahuta said. “As the capital of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Government marks International Day of Persons with Disabilities
    The Government joins the disabled community of Aotearoa New Zealand in marking and celebrating the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, Minister for Disabilty Issues Carmel Sepuloni said. The theme for this year’s International Day of Persons with Disabilities is “Leadership and participation of persons with disabilities toward an inclusive, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Deputy Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security, and Advisory panel member appointed
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has announced the appointments of Graeme Speden as the Deputy Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security, and Ben Bateman as a member of the Inspector-General’s Advisory Panel.  “These are significant roles that assist the Inspector-General with independent oversight of New Zealand’s intelligence agencies,” Jacinda Ardern said. “While ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Five million COVID-19 tests processed
    Associate Minister of Health, Dr Ayesha Verrall has congratulated testing teams right around New Zealand for reaching the five million tests milestone. Today, an additional 31,780 tests were processed, taking the total since the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 to 5,005,959. “This really is an incredible and sustained team ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Funding for extra ICU capacity
    Care for the sickest New Zealanders is getting a major boost from the Government, with plans to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on expanding intensive care-type services, Health Minister Andrew Little announced today. “Through good planning, we have avoided what the COVID-19 pandemic has done in some countries, where ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • “THE LEGAL AND CONSTITUTIONAL IMPLICATIONS OF NEW ZEALAND’S FIGHT AGAINST COVID.”
    Speech to the New Zealand Centre for Public Law Tēnā koutou katoa Thank you for providing this opportunity to speak with you today as Attorney General. I’m here to talk about the constitutional consequences of Covid -19. I love the law. The way it exists with the consent of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • The legal and constitutional implications of New Zealand’s fight against COVID
    Speech to the New Zealand Centre for Public Law Tēnā koutou katoa Thank you for providing this opportunity to speak with you today as Attorney General. I’m here to talk about the constitutional consequences of Covid -19. I love the law. The way it exists with the consent of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Pharmac Review interim report released
    Health Minister Andrew Little has released an interim report by an independent panel reviewing the national pharmaceuticals-buying agency Pharmac. Pharmac was established in 1993 and is responsible for purchasing publicly funded medicines for New Zealanders, including those prescribed by GPs or administered in hospitals. The review, chaired by former Consumer ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Appointment to Network for Learning board
    Former MP Clare Curran has been appointed to the board of Crown company Network for Learning (N4L), Education Minister Chris Hipkins says. Hon Clare Curran served as a Member of Parliament for Dunedin South from 2008-2010. During this time, she held a number of ministerial portfolios including Broadcasting, Communications and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Putting home ownership within reach of Pacific Aotearoa
    Pacific community groups and organisations will get tools to help them achieve home ownership with the implementation of the Ministry for Pacific Peoples (MPP) Pacific Housing Initiative, said Pacific Peoples Minister Aupito William Sio. In July 2021, MPP launched the Pacific Community Housing Provider Registration Support programme and the Pacific ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Coastal shipping will help keep New Zealand’s supply chain buoyant
    Transport Minister Michael Wood today welcomed the release of the Coastal Shipping Investment Approach State-of-Play report as an important step towards a more sustainable coastal shipping sector, which will further diversify New Zealand’s supply chain. “This Government is committed to strengthening our domestic supply chain by making coastal shipping a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Response to Human Rights Commission's reports into violence towards disable people
    Tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, tēnā tātou katoa.   Thank you for that introduction Hemi and thank you for inviting me to respond on behalf of Government to the release of these two important reports (Whakamanahia Te Tiriti, Whakahaumarutia te Tangata -Honour the Treaty, Protect the Person and Whakamahia te Tūkino kore ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Law change strengthens petroleum decommissioning regulation
    Petroleum permit and licence holders operating in New Zealand will now have an explicit statutory requirement to carry out and fund the decommissioning of oil and gas fields after a new law was given Royal assent today, says Energy and Resources Minister Dr Megan Woods. Once in effect The Crown ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Zealand Response to assist peace and stability in Solomon Islands
    The New Zealand government has announced that it will deploy Defence Force and Police personnel to Honiara to help restore peace and stability. “New Zealand is committed to its responsibilities and playing its part in upholding regional security,” Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said.  “We are deeply concerned by the recent ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Continued growth in volume of new home consents
    In the year ended October 2021, 47,715 new homes were consented, up 26 per cent from the October 2020 year. In October 2021, 4,043 new dwellings were consented Canterbury’s new homes consented numbers rose 31% to higher than post-earthquake peak. New home consents continue to reach remarkable levels of growth, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Saddle up for summer with cycle trail funding
    New investment will keep the best of New Zealand’s cycle trails in top condition as regions prepare to welcome back Kiwi visitors over summer and international tourists from next year. “Cycle tourism is one of the most popular ways to see the country ‘off the beaten track’ but the trails ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Zealand provides additional funding to COVAX for vaccine delivery
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced additional funding will be provided to COVAX to support vaccine delivery in developing countries. “New Zealand remains cognisant of the dangers of COVID-19, especially as new variants continue to emerge. No one is safe from this virus until we all are and this ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • COVID-19 Community fund providing support for 160 organisations focused on women and girls
    Minister for Women Jan Tinetti today announced financial support will be allocated to the 160 successful applicants for the COVID-19 Community Fund, to support organisations helping women/wāhine and girls/kōtiro in Aotearoa New Zealand affected by the pandemic. “COVID-19 has had a disproportionate effect on women around the world including in ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Government delivers reactivation package as Aucklanders reconnect for summer
    A new support package will help revive economic, social and cultural activities in our largest city over summer, and ensure those in hardship also get relief. The Social Development and Employment Minister Carmel Sepuloni and the Economic and Regional Development Minister Stuart Nash have announced a Reactivating Tāmaki Makaurau Auckland ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Mobile services and broadband come to Chatham Islands for first time
    World class mobile and broadband services have been switched on for the 663 residents of the Chatham Islands, Minister for the Digital Economy and Communications, David Clark and Minister for Economic and Regional Development, Stuart Nash announced today. “This eagerly awaited network will provide fast broadband and mobile services to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Crown accounts reflect strong economy amid pandemic
    The Government’s financial accounts continue to reflect an economy that has performed better than expected, despite the latest Delta COVID-19 outbreak. The Crown accounts for the four months to the end of October factors in the improved starting position for the new financial year. Core Crown tax revenue was $2.5 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Applications open for new 2021 Resident Visa
    The first round of applications for New Zealand’s new 2021 Resident visa open today (6am). “This one-off pathway provides certainty for a great many migrant families who have faced disruption because of COVID-19 and it will help retain the skills New Zealand businesses need to support the economic recovery,” Minister ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • More Vietnam Veterans to receive compensation for Agent Orange Exposure
    Minister for Veterans, the Hon Meka Whaitiri announced today that two new conditions associated with Agent Orange exposure have been added to the Prescribed Conditions List. Under the 2006 Memorandum of Understanding signed between the Crown and representatives of Vietnam veterans and the Royal New Zealand RSA. Vietnam veterans in ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Government commits to international effort to ban and regulate killer robots
    Minister of Disarmament and Arms Control Phil Twyford announced today that New Zealand will push for new international law to ban and regulate autonomous weapons systems (AWS), which once activated can select and engage targets without further human intervention. “While the evidence suggests fully autonomous weapons systems are not yet ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New freedom camping rules – right vehicle, right place
    Tougher freedom camping laws will be introduced to prevent abuse which has placed an unfair burden on small communities and damaged our reputation as a high quality visitor destination. Tourism Minister Stuart Nash has confirmed that new legislation will be introduced to Parliament following an extensive round of public consultation ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Government invests to support a classic Kiwi summer
    Vaccinated New Zealanders can look forward to Kiwi summer events with confidence, while artists and crew will have more certainty, following the launch of details of the Arts and Culture Event Support Scheme, Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Carmel Sepuloni announced today. “The Government recognises that the arts and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Grace period for expired driver licences cruises into 2022
    Due to the ongoing Delta outbreak and extended lockdowns, all New Zealand driver licences and licence endorsements that expired on or after 21 July 2021 will now be valid until 31 May 2022, Transport Minister Michael Wood announced today. “This further extension to the validity of driver licenses recognises that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Delivered: 1,000 extra transitional homes
    A further 1,000 transitional homes delivered  New housing development starts in Flaxmere, Hastings  The Government has delivered the next 1,000 transitional housing places it promised, as part of its work to reduce homelessness. Housing Minister Dr Megan Woods is marking the milestone in Hastings at a new development that includes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Traffic light levels announced
    The levels at which different parts of New Zealand will move forward into the COVID-19 Protection Framework this Friday have been announced. Northland, Auckland, Taupō and Rotorua Lakes Districts, Kawerau, Whakatane, Ōpōtiki Districts, Gisborne District, Wairoa District, Rangitikei, Whanganui and Ruapehu Districts will move in at Red The rest of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Financial support to move to traffic light system
    A new transition payment will be made available particularly for affected businesses in Auckland, Waikato and Northland to acknowledge the restrictions they have faced under the higher Alert Levels. Transition payment of up to $24,000 as businesses move into traffic light system Leave Support Scheme and Short Term Absence Payment ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Ambassador to Russia announced
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of Sarah Walsh as New Zealand’s next Ambassador to Russia. “Aotearoa New Zealand and Russia have a long-standing relationship, engaging on a range of regional and global interests including disarmament and Antarctica issues. We also work together as members of the East ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Permanent Representative to the UN announced
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of Carolyn Schwalger as Permanent Representative to the New Zealand Permanent Mission to the United Nations in New York. “Aotearoa New Zealand is a founding member of the UN and we have worked hard to ensure our stance on human rights, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Further COVID-19 economic support for Cook Islands and Fiji announced
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced a further package of support for the Cook Islands and Fiji for COVID-19 economic support and recovery. “Aotearoa New Zealand remains committed to supporting our Pacific fanau and vuvale to respond to the impacts of COVID-19 on their economies, and move towards long-term ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New law will clear the air for tamariki in vehicles
    From today, it’s illegal to smoke or vape in most vehicles carrying children aged under 18 years old - whether the vehicle is moving or not. “Second-hand smoke poses an unacceptable risk to our tamariki and rangatahi,” Associate Minister of Health Dr Ayesha Verrall said. “We know children in vehicles ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Nine countries designated very high risk
    Nine southern African countries are being added to the very high risk countries list following public health advice around the newly discovered COVID-19 variant Omicron, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said. This afternoon, a public health risk assessment was carried out to assess the emerging evidence and any risk to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago