web analytics

Imperator Fish – The State of the Nation: an interview with David Cunliffe

Written By: - Date published: 10:31 pm, January 28th, 2014 - 8 comments
Categories: blogs, making shit up, Satire - Tags: ,

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.  And then Paddy Gower goes and does this. it makes you wonder if Imperator Fish is actually Paddy Gower …

I was lucky enough to secure an interview with Labour Party leader David Cunliffe shortly after his State of the Nation speech. I have reproduced a full transcript of the interview below.

Imperator Fish: Thank you, David Cunliffe, for taking the time to talk to me.

David Cunliffe: It’s a pleasure. You’re looking well, Scott. Is that a new head of hair?

IF: You like my new look? I went to Advanced Hair Studios. The friendly team there were super helpful, and now look at me. I look and feel ten years younger, and my lovelife has never been better.

DC: That is incredible. Do you have their website details?

IF: Go to http://www.advancedhairstudio.co.nz and book your complementary hair check today!

DC: I might just do that. Look, I’ve only got about five minutes. I hope that’s okay.

IF: That’s fine. I’ll cut to the chase then. You’ve announced a bunch of new policies, but the question everyone’s asking is this: where’s the money to pay for these new policies going to come from?

DC: That’s an easy one. Once these policies have been fully implemented we estimate they’ll cost approximately $528 million a year. We have scrapped our policies on GST-free fruit and vegetables and an income tax free threshold, which would have cost about $1.5 billion a year, so affordability won’t be an issue. All of this is explained in our official release.

IF: That may well be the case, Mr Cunliffe, but how are you going to pay for all of this?

DC: I just told you how. We’ve freed up one and a half billion dollars of planned spending by dropping proposed changes to GST and income tax. We’ll be funding our policy platform through a range of measures, including a capital gains tax and by taxing upper income earners a little more.

IF: But it sounds like a lot of money. Isn’t the taxpayer entitled to ask where the money is coming from?

DC: I just told you. The money’s there. We’ve budgeted for it. Read the release.

IF: But half a billion dollars?

DC: Yes, and we’re saving a billion and a half from the total cost of our policy platform by changing some other policies. It’s all there in the release.

IF: You keep telling me to read the release, but why won’t you just be up-front with the people of New Zealand? Why are you trying to avoid the question?

DC: I’m not. I’ve been up-front about the cost, and I’ve explained where the money’s coming from.

IF: Show me the money, Mr Cunliffe!

DC: I’ll say it again—

IF: Just tell us! Why can’t you tell us? Is it because you don’t know? Hasn’t your team done its homework? Shouldn’t your finance spokesperson be on top of this? Are you saying David Parker doesn’t even know how much this will cost?

DC: No, he knows exactly how much it will cost. The policy adds just over half a billion a year to our policy platform. But the cost of that platform also drops by a billion and a half a year due to GST and income tax changes.

IF: But surely that’s all just semantics, Mr Cunliffe.

DC: Er, I don’t think you know what the word “semantics” actually means.

IF: Is this a sign that your caucus is not completely behind you? You’ve just told me that David Parker knows exactly how much this will cost, and yet you don’t.

DC: Yes I do know. Just over half a billion a year once it has been fully implemented, but we’ve made savings of a billion and a half a year in other areas of our policy platform.

IF: Are you and David Parker not talking to each other?

DC: Of course we are. This is an entirely ridiculous line of questioning.

IF: Is it because David Parker is organising a challenge for the leadership? Why else would you refuse to talk to your own finance spokesperson?

DC: I talk to David almost every day. I was talking to him ten minutes before my state of the nation speech.

IF: Is that when he announced he would challenge for the leadership? Or were you pleading with him to give you the costings? Did he refuse?

DC: Good grief. Now you’re in fantasyland.

IF: Do you think you can survive to the end of the week, or will you be gone by lunchtime? And if you are ousted by your caucus, will you put yourself up for re-election and rely on the general membership to reinstate you? Do you think you have the numbers?

DC: There is no leadership plot, and this theory you have concocted, while highly original, is complete bullshit, pardon my French. I’m here to talk about our early childhood policy, and that is all.

IF: Yes, but it’s a policy you don’t seem to be able to cost. Don’t you think hardworking taxpayers deserve better than this from a person who aspires to be the Prime Minister?

DC: I’ll say it again. The policy is fully costed and is affordable. Frankly, we can’t afford not to invest in our kids. Every dollar we spend on our kids saves money in the long-term.

IF: I have to stop you there, Mr Cunliffe. I just saw David Parker walking by, and I want to ask him about his plot to unseat you.

DC: For God’s sake, there is no plot!

IF: Exactly. The fact that you’re denying there’s a challenge only proves that one is underway. And that was my interview with soon-to-be former leader of the Labour Party, David Cunliffe. Stand by as I try and catch a word with his challenger, David Parker.

8 comments on “Imperator Fish – The State of the Nation: an interview with David Cunliffe ”

  1. Chooky 1

    How weird is that interviewer?!….completely trying to frame and ‘dis’ David Cunliffe with nonsense questions.

    David Cunliffe should refuse to ever waste his time with Paddy Gower again!

    Who employs Paddy Gower? ( Thank God I never waste my time watching him!)

    How does one lay a complaint? ( with the Press council?)

    Paddy Gower should be sacked for incompetence , framing and bias!

  2. Philj 2

    Xox
    Reminds me of some interviews by Suzie Fergusson, on RNZ Evening Report. ImperatorFish should write scripts for the satire we don’t have in our non existent non commercial public service TV.

  3. Colonial Viper 3

    Lol!

    Thing is, it does sound like the MSM and how they would develop a story over a working week!

  4. lprent 4

    Does have an uncanny resemblance to a couple of Pat Gower interviews I have seen. I guess Scott saw them as well.

    Kind of hard to take that jonolist seriously. Just a lightweight with a fetish for cannabis.

  5. weka 5

    But he missed out the bit where there is a crack widening between Labour and the GP!! Maybe that’s the next interview.

  6. bad12 6

    OK, that’s a good little piece of comedy, but, it does raise a serious question, and the question is this,

    Given that it is likely that Slippery the Prime Minister, not noted for any depth of intellect, is likely to resort to the very same tactics in the television debates that He,(Slippery), used to such good effect on Phill Goff during the 2011 campaign is the ”1.5 billion dollar savings from scrapping prior policies” a good enough ‘sound-bite’ in answer to what is likely to be a repeat of ”Show me the money, show me the money”,

    Besides the current answer of the savings from scrapping prior policy David Cunliffe needs a short, witty would be helpful reply which shows where the actual money will come from,

    if you follow me, Slippery’s National Government will not be leaving any monies in the budget full stop,

    So, on the surface, and Phill Goff got tripped up by this in the 2011 television debates, if there is no money in the budget then the question of where’s the money needs a precise, short, hopefully witty answer especially for those television debates and i can see a big hole,easily exploited by Slippery, in the current answer David Cunliffe is currently giving when questioned on that issue…

    • framu 6.1

      ”Show me the money, show me the money”

      just needs to be responded to with “ill show you mine if you show me yours” – nudge wink – “cmon john – dont tell me you just used a napkin”

      in short – if key is going to play the idiot game, DONT respond by explaining – continue, expand and redirect the joke back at key

  7. Stuart Munro 7

    Perhaps DC could answer the question truthfully.

    The government has on hand about 5.5 billion: the proceeds of the asset thefts less spending on charter schools and the ‘drug testing’ for beneficiaries scam.

    If Bill English doesn’t blow it all on socks, or a particularly splendid swede, DC can fruitfully budget to redirect it to something useful.

    “Schools and hospitals” Quoth Blinglish as he tried to justify the theft. Fine – quote him back.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Government delivers ACC change to support 28,000 parents
    The Maternal Birth Injury and Other Matters Bill passes Third Reading – the first amendment to ACC legislation of its kind From 1 October 2022, new ACC cover to benefit approximately 28,000 birthing parents Additional maternal birth injuries added alongside new review provision to ensure cover remains comprehensive Greater clarity ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    9 hours ago
  • Further cuts for East Coast tarakihi limits to rebuild numbers faster
    Commercial catch limits for East Coast tarakihi will be reduced further to help the stock rebuild faster. “Tarakihi is a popular fish, and this has led to declining levels over time. Many adjustments have been made and the stock is recovering. I have decided on further commercial catch reductions of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • New Ambassador to Colombia announced
    Foreign Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of diplomat Nicci Stilwell as the next Ambassador to Colombia. “Aotearoa New Zealand’s relationship with Colombia is fast growing with strong links across education, climate change and indigenous co-operation,” Nanaia Mahuta said.  “Trade is a key part of our relationship with Colombia, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • 3000 more RSE workers to ease workforce pressures
    The Government continues to respond to global workforce shortages by announcing the largest increase in over a decade to the Recognised Seasonal Employer Scheme (RSE), providing 3000 additional places, Immigration Minister Michael Wood and Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor have announced. The new RSE cap will allow access to 19,000 workers ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    11 hours ago
  • Sanctions on more of the Russian political elite
    Further sanctions are being imposed on members of President Putin’s inner circle and other representatives of the Russian political elite, as part of the Governments ongoing response to the war in Ukraine, says Foreign Minister Nanaia Mahuta. “Ukraine has been clear that the most important action we can take to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    11 hours ago
  • New Principal Youth Court Judge appointed
    Judge Ida Malosi, District Court Judge of Wellington, has been appointed as the new Principal Youth Court Judge, Attorney-General David Parker announced today. Born and raised in Southland, Judge Malosi graduated from Victoria University of Wellington and spent her legal career in South Auckland.  She was a founding partner of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    13 hours ago
  • Visitor arrivals highest since pandemic began
    Overseas visitor arrivals exceeded 100,000 in July, for the first time since the borders closed in March 2020 Strong ski season lifts arrivals to Queenstown to at least 90% of the same period in 2019 Australia holiday recovery has continued to trend upwards New Zealand’s tourism recovery is on its ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    13 hours ago
  • Language provides hope for Tuvalu
    Climate change continues to present a major risk for the island nation of Tuvalu, which means sustaining te gana Tuvalu, both on home soil and in New Zealand Aotearoa, has never been more important, Minister for Pacific Peoples Aupito William Sio said. The Tuvalu Auckland Community Trust and wider Tuvalu ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Minister Sio to attend Asian Development Bank meeting in Manila
    Associate Foreign Affairs Minister Aupito William Sio travels to the Philippines this weekend to represent Aotearoa New Zealand at the 55th Annual Meeting of the Asian Development Bank (ADB) Board of Governors in Manila. “The ADB Annual Meeting provides an opportunity to engage with other ADB member countries, including those ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • United Nations General Assembly National Statement
    E ngā Mana, e ngā Reo, Rau Rangatira mā kua huihui mai nei i tēnei Whare Nui o te Ao Ngā mihi maioha ki a koutou katoa, mai i tōku Whenua o Aotearoa Tuia ki runga, Tuia ki raro, ka Rongo to pō ka rongo te ao Nō reira, tēnā ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • New strategy unifies all-of-Government approach to help Pacific languages thrive
    A united approach across all-of-Government underpins the new Pacific Language Strategy, announced by the Minister for Pacific Peoples Aupito William Sio at Parliament today. “The cornerstone of our Pacific cultures, identities and place in Aotearoa, New Zealand are our Pacific languages. They are at the heart of our wellbeing,” Aupito ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Upgrades for sporting facilities ahead of FIFA Women’s World Cup
    Communities across the country will benefit from newly upgraded sporting facilities as a result of New Zealand co-hosting the FIFA Women’s World Cup 2023. The Government is investing around $19 million to support upgrades at 30 of the 32 potential sporting facilities earmarked for the tournament, including pitch, lighting and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Partnership supports climate action in Latin America and Caribbean
    Aotearoa New Zealand is extending the reach of its support for climate action to a new agriculture initiative with partners in Latin America and the Caribbean. Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor announced a NZ$10 million contribution to build resilience, enhance food security and address the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Landmark agreement for Māori fisheries celebrates 30th year
    The 30th anniversary of the Fisheries Deed of Settlement is a time to celebrate a truly historic partnership that has helped transform communities, says Parliamentary Under-Secretary to the Minister for Oceans and Fisheries Rino Tirikatene. “The agreement between the Crown and Māori righted past wrongs, delivered on the Crown’s treaty ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Government backs initiatives to cut environmental impact of plastic waste
    The Government has today announced funding for projects that will cut plastic waste and reduce its impact on the environment. “Today I am announcing the first four investments to be made from the $50 million Plastics Innovation Fund, which was set last year and implemented a 2020 election promise,” Environment ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Call for expressions of interest in appointment to the High Court Bench
    Attorney-General David Parker today called for nominations and expressions of interest in appointment to the High Court Bench.  This is a process conducted at least every three years and ensures the Attorney-General has up to date information from which to make High Court appointments.  “It is important that when appointments ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Depositor compensation scheme protects Kiwis’ money
    New Zealanders will have up to $100,000 of their deposits in any eligible institution guaranteed in the event that institution fails, under legislation introduced in Parliament today. The Deposit Takers Bill is the third piece of legislation in a comprehensive review of the Reserve Bank of New Zealand Act and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New fund to help more Pacific aiga into their own homes
    The Government has launched a new housing fund that will help more Pacific aiga achieve the dream of home ownership. “The Pacific Building Affordable Homes Fund will help organisations, private developers, Māori/iwi, and NGOs build affordable housing for Pacific families and establish better pathways to home ownership within Pacific communities. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • More than 100,000 new Kiwis as halfway point reached
    Over 100,000 new Kiwis can now call New Zealand ‘home’ after the 2021 Resident Visa reached the halfway point of approvals, Minister of Immigration Michael Wood announced today. “This is another important milestone, highlighting the positive impact our responsive and streamlined immigration system is having by providing comfort to migrant ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Maniapoto Claims Settlement Bill passes third reading – He mea pāhi te Maniapoto Claims Settl...
    Nā te Minita mō ngā Take Tiriti o Waitangi, nā Andrew Little,  te iwi o Maniapoto i rāhiri i tēnei rā ki te mātakitaki i te pānuitanga tuatoru o te Maniapoto Claims Settlement Bill - te pikinga whakamutunga o tā rātou whakataunga Tiriti o Waitangi o mua. "Me mihi ka ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • 50,000 more kids to benefit from equity-based programmes next year
    Another 47,000 students will be able to access additional support through the school donations scheme, and a further 3,000 kids will be able to get free and healthy school lunches as a result of the Equity Index.  That’s on top of nearly 90% of schools that will also see a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Healthy Active Learning now in 40 percent of schools across New Zealand
    A total of 800 schools and kura nationwide are now benefitting from a physical activity and nutrition initiative aimed at improving the wellbeing of children and young people. Healthy Active Learning was funded for the first time in the inaugural Wellbeing Budget and was launched in 2020. It gets regional ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Speech at 10th meeting of the Friends of the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test Ban Treaty
    Kia Ora. It is a pleasure to join you here today at this 10th meeting of the Friends of the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test Ban Treaty. This gathering provides an important opportunity to reiterate our unwavering commitment to achieving a world without nuclear weapons, for which the entry into force of this ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Speech for Earthshot Prize Innovation Summit 2022
    Kia ora koutou katoa Thank you for the invitation to join you. It’s a real pleasure to be here, and to be in such fine company.  I want to begin today by acknowledging His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales and Sir David Attenborough in creating what is becoming akin ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New accreditation builds capacity for Emergency Management Volunteers
    Emergency Management Minister Kieran McAnulty has recognised the first team to complete a newly launched National Accreditation Process for New Zealand Response Team (NZ-RT) volunteers. “NZ-RT volunteers play a crucial role in our emergency response system, supporting response and recovery efforts on the ground. This new accreditation makes sure our ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Govt strengthens trans-Tasman emergency management cooperation
    Aotearoa New Zealand continues to strengthen global emergency management capability with a new agreement between New Zealand and Australia, says Minister for Emergency Management Kieran McAnulty. “The Government is committed to improving our global and national emergency management system, and the Memorandum of Cooperation signed is another positive step towards ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Christchurch Call Initiative on Algorithmic Outcomes
    Today New Zealand, the USA, Twitter, and Microsoft, announced investment in a technology innovation initiative under the banner of the Christchurch Call.  This initiative will support the creation of new technology to understand the impacts of algorithms on people’s online experiences.  Artificial Intelligence (AI) algorithms play a growing role in ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • JOINT PR: Trans-Tasman Cooperation on disaster management
    Hon Kieran McAnulty, New Zealand Minister for Emergency Management Senator The Hon Murray Watt, Federal Minister for Emergency Management Strengthening Trans-Tasman cooperation on disaster management issues was a key area of focus when Australia and New Zealand’s disaster management ministers met this week on the sidelines of the Asia-Pacific Ministerial Conference on ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • More transparency, less red-tape for modernised charities sector
    The Charities Amendment Bill has been introduced today which will modernise the charities sector by increasing transparency, improving access to justice services and reducing the red-tape that smaller charities face, Minister for the Community and Voluntary Sector Priyanca Radhakrishnan said. “These changes will make a meaningful difference to over 28,000 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Pacific visas reopened to help boost workforce
    Work continues on delivering on a responsive and streamlined immigration system to help relieve workforce shortages, with the reopening of longstanding visa categories, Immigration Minister Michael Wood has announced.  From 3 October 2022, registrations for the Samoan Quota will reopen, and from 5 October registrations for the Pacific Access Category ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Queen Elizabeth II Memorial Day Bill passes into law
    The Bill establishing Queen Elizabeth II Memorial Day has passed its third reading. “As Queen of Aotearoa New Zealand, Her Majesty was loved for her grace, calmness, dedication, and public service. Her affection for New Zealand and its people was clear, and it was a fondness that was shared,” Michael ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New investor migrant visa opens
    The new Active Investor Plus visa category created to attract high-value investors, has officially opened marking a key milestone in the Government’s Immigration Rebalance strategy, Economic Development Minister Stuart Nash and Immigration Minister Michael Wood have announced. “The new Active Investor Plus visa replaces the previous investor visa categories, which ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New wharekura continues commitment to Māori education
    A new Year 1-13 designated character wharekura will be established in Feilding, Associate Minister of Education Kelvin Davis announced today. To be known as Te Kura o Kauwhata, the wharekura will cater for the expected growth in Feilding for years to come. “The Government has a goal of strengthening Māori ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • National minute of silence for Queen Elizabeth II
    A national minute of silence will be observed at the start of New Zealand’s State Memorial Service for Queen Elizabeth II, at 2pm on Monday 26 September. The one-hour service will be held at the Wellington Cathedral of St Paul, during a one-off public holiday to mark the Queen’s death. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Speech to the Climate Change and Business Conference
    Tēnā koutou i tēnei ata. Good morning. Recently I had cause to say to my friends in the media that I consider that my job is only half done. So I’m going to take the opportunity of this year’s Climate and Business Conference to offer you a mid-point review. A ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government enhances protection for our most-productive land  
    Enhanced protection for Aotearoa New Zealand’s most productive land   Councils required to identify, map, and manage highly productive land  Helping ensure Kiwis’ access to leafy greens and other healthy foods Subdivision for housing on highly-productive land could still be possible in limited circumstances  The Government has today released a National ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Kieran McAnulty to attend Asia-Pacific Ministerial Conference on Disaster Risk Reduction
    Minister for Emergency Management Kieran McAnulty will travel to Brisbane this week to represent Aotearoa New Zealand at the 2022 Asia-Pacific Ministerial Conference on Disaster Risk Reduction. “This conference is one of the most important meetings in the Asia-Pacific region to progress disaster risk reduction efforts and increase cooperation between ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Trade and Agriculture Minister to travel to India and Indonesia
    Minister of Trade and Export Growth and Minister of Agriculture Damien O’Connor will travel tomorrow to India and Indonesia for trade and agricultural meetings to further accelerate the Government’s growing trade agenda.  “Exploring ways we can connect globally and build on our trading relationships is a priority for the Government, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Poroporoaki: Cletus Maanu Paul (ONZM)
    E te rangatira Maanu, takoto mai ra, i tō marae i Wairaka, te marae o te wahine nāna I inoi kia Whakatānea ia kia tae ae ia ki te hopu i te waka Mātaatua kia kore ai i riro i te moana. Ko koe anō tēnā he pukumahi koe mō ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Pacific Wellbeing Strategy sets clear path to improve outcomes for Pacific Aotearoa
    Strengthening partnerships with Pacific communities is at the heart of the Government’s new Pacific Wellbeing Strategy, Minister for Pacific Peoples Aupito William Sio announced today. “Working alongside communities to ensure more of our aiga and families have access to the staples of life like, housing, education, training and job opportunities ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago