ImperatorFish: A Day In The Life Of Patrick Gower

Written By: - Date published: 2:37 pm, November 19th, 2012 - 15 comments
Categories: david cunliffe, tv - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

5:08 am

Just asked David Cunliffe the big questions: “Does David Shearer have your full support? How will you vote if the leadership issue is put to the vote in caucus?” He won’t answer me. I ask him again. Still no answer. My cameraman suggests we come back later and try again, when Cunliffe’s awake. We climb out his bedroom window.

8:31 am

Camped outside Cunliffe’s Herne Bay house. Have spent most of the morning interviewing his neighbours, to find out if anyone has seen any signs of Cunliffe meeting clandestinely with groups of Labour MPs. No luck. Just then I see a group of people moving towards his front door. Aha! We leap out of the 3 News van, camera rolling, my microphone ready to catch everything said.

“Stop!” I yell, running towards the pack of MPs.

Something is wrong. One of them is holding a baby. Their leader is pressing a pamphlet into my hand and asking me questions about Jesus. I don’t recognise these MPs. Could this all be some sort of elaborate disguise? Could I have broken one of the most sophisticated political conspiracies in New Zealand’s history?

9:52 am

Cunliffe emerges from his house. I am waiting at his letterbox. I ask him if he will stand against David Shearer. I then ask him if he has found Jesus, and I give him one of the pamphlets the previous group had left with me (they made some very compelling arguments). Cunliffe scurries away to his car and makes his escape.

10.38 am

I get a tip off. Cunliffe has been seen in New Lynn. He’s clearly returning to base to shore up his support. Why else would the MP for New Lynn be in New Lynn? All the signs point to a coup attempt.

11:55 am

I do a ring-around of every Labour MP. Some MPs don’t answer their phones. There’s only one reason why they’re avoiding talking to me. They’re all in on the plot, so I write them down on my “for Cunliffe” list. Some of the names surprise me, though. I didn’t expect David Shearer to be amongst the conspirators.

12:41 pm

David Shearer calls back. Says he was on a flight from Wellington and couldn’t take my earlier call (Yeah, right!). Says he is confident he will lead the party into the 2014 election. I ask him which party he will lead, and he says “what do you mean?” I sense the confusion in his voice, a clear sign that the coup attempt is rattling him. More evidence of crisis within Labour!

1:03 pm

A majority of MPs I have spoken to say they back David Shearer. They’re only saying that because they know there’s a challenge about to happen. Why else would a group of MPs be so keen to back their own party leader? The plot thickens!

2:25 pm

We get another tip-off. David Shearer has been seen having coffee in a Mt Albert cafe. We rush to the scene, only to learn he has gone to the toilet. I bang on the toilet door. “Why are you hiding, Mr Shearer?” I demand. “Come out and face the full merciless glare of the free press!”

A woman comes out of the door, demanding to know why she’s being harassed. Shearer must have climbed out the toilet window! We race outside in the hope of catching him making his getaway, but we’re too late. We decide to go inside and have a coffee of our own.

2:36 pm

David Shearer is back! He claims he was in the men’s toilet, and a quick check appears to confirm his claim that we were staking out the wrong loo. But it’s a mighty convenient explanation. I’ve been around politics long enough to know the smell of a rat.

I ask him if he will give the party leader his full support if there is a leadership vote.

“But I am the party leader” he replies.

“It was a simple question, Mr Shearer” I retort firmly. “Yes or no!”

“But Patrick, I am the leader of the Labour Party. Your question makes no sense.”

I repeat the question. Shearer sighs loudly, finishes his coffee, and leaves the cafe. He runs to a car, jumps in, and gets away. Or so he thinks. He didn’t see what we did.

2:54 pm

Clinging to the undercarriage of David Shearer’s car. I hope he stops soon. My fingers are sore from clinging on, and they’re covered with dirt and grease. I need to look my best when I confront him, so I won’t be able to wave my hands around in front of the camera too much. It’s snug under here, because my cameraman is with me too. I don’t know how he manages to hold that big camera and cling to the car at the same time. I sense another television award coming my way if we survive this.

3:13 pm

The car stops momentarily, but just as we prepare to show ourselves it starts moving again. I can’t see where we are, so I assume the car has just stopped at an intersection.

The car stops again a few minutes later and the engine dies. The car door opens and we leap out from underneath and stick a camera in the driver’s face. Except it isn’t David Shearer. Did we hide under the wrong car? I don’t recognise this guy at all, and I don’t like the way he is running towards us. I don’t like what he just did to the camera or my cameraman, and I don’t like the way he is now looking at me.

I am now running for my life, chased by an enraged taxi driver.  But why is he so enraged? There may be a story angle here. Is this the Shearer camp’s doing? They cannot silence the press!

5:08 pm

Am back now at TV3 headquarters and am banged up, bruised, exhausted, and beaten. I don’t know what happened to my cameraman, and I fear the worst, but such is the price we must pay if we are to expose the truth. I’m on telly in an hour, so I’d better get myself cleaned up and prepare my lines.

Shearer’s strange behaviour and Cunliffe’s evasiveness lead me to a inescapable conclusion. I have uncovered a sophisticated plot by Labour’s leader to destabilise his own leadership, and that can only mean one thing: David Cunliffe has mind control powers and is directing David Shearer to destroy himself!

15 comments on “ImperatorFish: A Day In The Life Of Patrick Gower ”

  1. lprent 1

    Classic. But I damn well have to work. I have to stifle this addictive chortling….

  2. Anne 2

    Brilliant. How I would love to see it turned into a Keystone Cops style comedy.

  3. tracey 3

    The onion would be proud.

  4. Adrian 4

    [Eddie: Not appropriate. You might not agree with Patrick Gower but that crosses the line.]

    • fender 4.1

      Considering Patrick Gower got his head stuck in a paper shredder a few years ago I think his plastic surgeon deserves some praise.

      It’s just a shame his brain surgeon was an unqualified novice who was given the impossible task of reassembling Gowers brain when three quarters of the ingredients were missing, hence the reason his “reporting” is just totally whack.

  5. tracey 5

    These journos have forgotten tht its not about doing what they find fun or interesting but informing the public

  6. Remind me to never, ever, ever piss Scott off …

    • lprent 6.1

      I think that David Farrar made that point on Scott’s friday post. I was rather relieved when I got down to the bit about guest posts on TS to know for certain that it wasn’t my ranting…..

    • Scott 6.2

      Mickeysavage, you’ll be fine if you keep on buying me those fancy lunches.

  7. Bleedin awesome, you should add the bit about the Restraining order next time M8!

  8. Brian 8

    He was in my journalism class and he was a pompous dickhead then too. Sadly the head tutor loved his arse because he was “funny”, often at other people’s expense. He’s reasonably intelligent, but he’s not actually interested in being a good journalist , he’d rather be a nasty tabloid gutter snipe who trades in rumours and unproven allegations. His reporting from the US election was so pitiful I almost felt sorry for him, but he doesn’t seem to realise how silly he looks. And how the hell did he get promoted to this inportant role within television current affairs in the first place? The answer is self-confidence, or should that be arrogance, much like Paul Henry.

    • framu 8.1

      “And how the hell did he get promoted to this inportant role within television current affairs in the first place?”

      duncan garner

  9. You beaut. Can we have a Duncan Garner satire sometime please!

  10. Rhinocrates 10

    Heh.

    Ha.

    Haha.

    Chuckle.

    Ha!

    Hahahahaha!

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • EV road user charges bill passes
    Transport Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed the passing of legislation to move light electric vehicles (EVs) and plug-in hybrid electric vehicles (PHEVs) into the road user charges system from 1 April.  “It was always intended that EVs and PHEVs would be exempt from road user charges until they reached two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    15 hours ago
  • Bill targets illegal, unregulated fishing in international waters
    New Zealand is strengthening its ability to combat illegal fishing outside its domestic waters and beef up regulation for its own commercial fishers in international waters through a Bill which had its first reading in Parliament today. The Fisheries (International Fishing and Other Matters) Amendment Bill 2023 sets out stronger ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    16 hours ago
  • Reserve Bank appointments
    Economists Carl Hansen and Professor Prasanna Gai have been appointed to the Reserve Bank Monetary Policy Committee, Finance Minister Nicola Willis announced today. The Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) is the independent decision-making body that sets the Official Cash Rate which determines interest rates.  Carl Hansen, the executive director of Capital ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    17 hours ago
  • Stronger protections for apartment owners
    Apartment owners and buyers will soon have greater protections as further changes to the law on unit titles come into effect, Housing Minister Chris Bishop says. “The Unit Titles (Strengthening Body Corporate Governance and Other Matters) Amendment Act had already introduced some changes in December 2022 and May 2023, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    19 hours ago
  • Travel focused on traditional partners and Middle East
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters will travel to Egypt and Europe from this weekend.    “This travel will focus on a range of New Zealand’s traditional diplomatic and security partnerships while enabling broad engagement on the urgent situation in Gaza,” Mr Peters says.   Mr Peters will attend the NATO Foreign ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    19 hours ago
  • Keep safe on our roads this Easter
    Transport Minister Simeon Brown is encouraging all road users to stay safe, plan their journeys ahead of time, and be patient with other drivers while travelling around this Easter long weekend. “Road safety is a responsibility we all share, and with increased traffic on our roads expected this Easter we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    22 hours ago
  • Cost of living support for over 1.4 million Kiwis
    About 1.4 million New Zealanders will receive cost of living relief through increased government assistance from April 1 909,000 pensioners get a boost to Superannuation, including 5000 veterans 371,000 working-age beneficiaries will get higher payments 45,000 students will see an increase in their allowance Over a quarter of New Zealanders ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    22 hours ago
  • Tenancy reviews for social housing restart
    Ensuring social housing is being provided to those with the greatest needs is front of mind as the Government restarts social housing tenancy reviews, Associate Housing Minister Tama Potaka says. “Our relentless focus on building a strong economy is to ensure we can deliver better public services such as social ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    22 hours ago
  • Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary plan halted
    The Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary will not go ahead, with Cabinet deciding to stop work on the proposed reserve and remove the Bill that would have established it from Parliament’s order paper. “The Kermadec Ocean Sanctuary Bill would have created a 620,000 sq km economic no-go zone,” Oceans and Fisheries Minister ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    23 hours ago
  • Cutting all that dam red tape
    Dam safety regulations are being amended so that smaller dams won’t be subject to excessive compliance costs, Minister for Building and Construction Chris Penk says. “The coalition Government is focused on reducing costs and removing unnecessary red tape so we can get the economy back on track.  “Dam safety regulations ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    23 hours ago
  • Drought support extended to parts of North Island
    The coalition Government is expanding the medium-scale adverse event classification to parts of the North Island as dry weather conditions persist, Agriculture Minister Todd McClay announced today. “I have made the decision to expand the medium-scale adverse event classification already in place for parts of the South Island to also cover the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Passage of major tax bill welcomed
    The passing of legislation giving effect to coalition Government tax commitments has been welcomed by Finance Minister Nicola Willis.  “The Taxation (Annual Rates for 2023–24, Multinational Tax, and Remedial Matters) Bill will help place New Zealand on a more secure economic footing, improve outcomes for New Zealanders, and make our tax system ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Lifting economy through science, tertiary sectors
    Science, Innovation and Technology Minister Judith Collins and Tertiary Education and Skills Minister Penny Simmonds today announced plans to transform our science and university sectors to boost the economy. Two advisory groups, chaired by Professor Sir Peter Gluckman, will advise the Government on how these sectors can play a greater ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government announces Budget priorities
    The Budget will deliver urgently-needed tax relief to hard-working New Zealanders while putting the government’s finances back on a sustainable track, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says.  The Finance Minister made the comments at the release of the Budget Policy Statement setting out the Government’s Budget objectives. “The coalition Government intends ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government to consider accommodation solution
    The coalition Government will look at options to address a zoning issue that limits how much financial support Queenstown residents can get for accommodation. Cabinet has agreed on a response to the Petitions Committee, which had recommended the geographic information MSD uses to determine how much accommodation supplement can be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Government approves extension to Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care
    Cabinet has agreed to a short extension to the final reporting timeframe for the Royal Commission into Abuse in Care from 28 March 2024 to 26 June 2024, Internal Affairs Minister Brooke van Velden says.                                         “The Royal Commission wrote to me on 16 February 2024, requesting that I consider an ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • $18m boost for Kiwis travelling to health treatment
    The coalition Government is delivering an $18 million boost to New Zealanders needing to travel for specialist health treatment, Health Minister Dr Shane Reti says.   “These changes are long overdue – the National Travel Assistance (NTA) scheme saw its last increase to mileage and accommodation rates way back in 2009.  ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • PM’s Prizes for Space to showcase sector’s talent
    The Government is recognising the innovative and rising talent in New Zealand’s growing space sector, with the Prime Minister and Space Minister Judith Collins announcing the new Prime Minister’s Prizes for Space today. “New Zealand has a growing reputation as a high-value partner for space missions and research. I am ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Concerns conveyed to China over cyber activity
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters has confirmed New Zealand’s concerns about cyber activity have been conveyed directly to the Chinese Government.     “The Prime Minister and Minister Collins have expressed concerns today about malicious cyber activity, attributed to groups sponsored by the Chinese Government, targeting democratic institutions in both New ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Independent Reviewers appointed for School Property Inquiry
    Independent Reviewers appointed for School Property Inquiry Education Minister Erica Stanford today announced the appointment of three independent reviewers to lead the Ministerial Inquiry into the Ministry of Education’s School Property Function.  The Inquiry will be led by former Minister of Foreign Affairs Murray McCully. “There is a clear need ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Brynderwyns open for Easter
    State Highway 1 across the Brynderwyns will be open for Easter weekend, with work currently underway to ensure the resilience of this critical route being paused for Easter Weekend to allow holiday makers to travel north, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says. “Today I visited the Brynderwyn Hills construction site, where ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Speech to the Infrastructure Funding & Financing Conference
    Introduction Good morning to you all, and thanks for having me bright and early today. I am absolutely delighted to be the Minister for Infrastructure alongside the Minister of Housing and Resource Management Reform. I know the Prime Minister sees the three roles as closely connected and he wants me ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Parliamentary network breached by the PRC
    New Zealand stands with the United Kingdom in its condemnation of People’s Republic of China (PRC) state-backed malicious cyber activity impacting its Electoral Commission and targeting Members of the UK Parliament. “The use of cyber-enabled espionage operations to interfere with democratic institutions and processes anywhere is unacceptable,” Minister Responsible for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • NZ to provide support for Solomon Islands election
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters and Defence Minister Judith Collins today announced New Zealand will provide logistics support for the upcoming Solomon Islands election. “We’re sending a team of New Zealand Defence Force personnel and two NH90 helicopters to provide logistics support for the election on 17 April, at the request ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • NZ-EU FTA gains Royal Assent for 1 May entry to force
    The European Union Free Trade Agreement Legislation Amendment Bill received Royal Assent today, completing the process for New Zealand’s ratification of its free trade agreement with the European Union.    “I am pleased to announce that today, in a small ceremony at the Beehive, New Zealand notified the European Union ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • COVID-19 inquiry attracts 11,000 submissions
    Public consultation on the terms of reference for the Royal Commission into COVID-19 Lessons has concluded, Internal Affairs Minister Hon Brooke van Velden says.  “I have been advised that there were over 11,000 submissions made through the Royal Commission’s online consultation portal.” Expanding the scope of the Royal Commission of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Families to receive up to $75 a week help with ECE fees
    Hardworking families are set to benefit from a new credit to help them meet their early childcare education (ECE) costs, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says. From 1 July, parents and caregivers of young children will be supported to manage the rising cost of living with a partial reimbursement of their ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Unlocking a sustainable, low-emissions future
    A specialised Independent Technical Advisory Group (ITAG) tasked with preparing and publishing independent non-binding advice on the design of a "green" (sustainable finance) taxonomy rulebook is being established, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says.  “Comprising experts and market participants, the ITAG's primary goal is to deliver comprehensive recommendations to the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Chief of Army thanked for his service
    Defence Minister Judith Collins has thanked the Chief of Army, Major General John Boswell, DSD, for his service as he leaves the Army after 40 years. “I would like to thank Major General Boswell for his contribution to the Army and the wider New Zealand Defence Force, undertaking many different ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Minister to meet Australian counterparts and Manufacturing Industry Leaders
    25 March 2024 Minister to meet Australian counterparts and Manufacturing Industry Leaders Small Business, Manufacturing, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly will travel to Australia for a series of bi-lateral meetings and manufacturing visits. During the visit, Minister Bayly will meet with his Australian counterparts, Senator Tim Ayres, Ed ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Government commits nearly $3 million for period products in schools
    Government commits almost $3 million for period products in schools The Coalition Government has committed $2.9 million to ensure intermediate and secondary schools continue providing period products to those who need them, Minister of Education Erica Stanford announced today. “This is an issue of dignity and ensuring young women don’t ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Speech – Making it easier to build.
    Good morning, it’s great to be here.   First, I would like to acknowledge the New Zealand Institute of Building Surveyors and thank you for the opportunity to be here this morning.  I would like to use this opportunity to outline the Government’s ambitious plan and what we hope to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Pacific youth to shine from boost to Polyfest
    Minister for Pacific Peoples Dr Shane Reti has announced the Government’s commitment to the Auckland Secondary Schools Māori and Pacific Islands Cultural Festival, more commonly known as Polyfest. “The Ministry for Pacific Peoples is a longtime supporter of Polyfest and, as it celebrates 49 years in 2024, I’m proud to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • 2024 Ngarimu VC and 28th (Māori) Battalion Memorial Scholarships announced
    ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Speech to Breast Cancer Foundation – Insights Conference
    Before moving onto the substance of today’s address, I want to recognise the very significant and ongoing contribution the Breast Cancer Foundation makes to support the lives of New Zealand women and their families living with breast cancer. I very much enjoy working with you. I also want to recognise ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Kiwi research soars to International Space Station
    New Zealand has notched up a first with the launch of University of Canterbury research to the International Space Station, Science, Innovation and Technology and Space Minister Judith Collins says. The hardware, developed by Dr Sarah Kessans, is designed to operate autonomously in orbit, allowing scientists on Earth to study ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Speech to the New Zealand Planning Institute
    Introduction Thank you for inviting me to speak with you today and I’m sorry I can’t be there in person. Yesterday I started in Wellington for Breakfast TV, spoke to a property conference in Auckland, and finished the day speaking to local government in Christchurch, so it would have been ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Support for Northland emergency response centre
    The Coalition Government is contributing more than $1 million to support the establishment of an emergency multi-agency coordination centre in Northland. Emergency Management and Recovery Minister Mark Mitchell announced the contribution today during a visit of the Whangārei site where the facility will be constructed.  “Northland has faced a number ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Celebrating 20 years of Whakaata Māori
    New Zealanders have enjoyed a broader range of voices telling the story of Aotearoa thanks to the creation of Whakaata Māori 20 years ago, says Māori Development Minister Tama Potaka. The minister spoke at a celebration marking the national indigenous media organisation’s 20th anniversary at their studio in Auckland on ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Some commercial fishery catch limits increased
    Commercial catch limits for some fisheries have been increased following a review showing stocks are healthy and abundant, Ocean and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones says. The changes, along with some other catch limit changes and management settings, begin coming into effect from 1 April 2024. "Regular biannual reviews of fish ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago

Page generated in The Standard by Wordpress at 2024-03-28T19:16:42+00:00