web analytics

ImperatorFish: New Testing Regime For Party Pills

Written By: - Date published: 6:08 pm, December 3rd, 2012 - 4 comments
Categories: political parties - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Associate Health Minister Peter Dunne has announced a new testing regime for political party pills, after concerns were raised about the testing of animals.

Mr Dunne said he will put a stop to the lethal dose (LD50) test, which involves dosing a test group of dogs with a drug until half the group dies. He described the test as “barbaric and disgusting”.

He said the new testing regime would not involve dogs.

A political party pill testing regime was originally announced after concerns were raised about the safety of some pills.

Doctors have reported cases of political party pill users displaying unusual behaviour, and even symptoms of mental illness, following consumption of some products. Medical experts fear that frequent exposure to some pills may have negative long-term consequences.

The highly popular National party pill range has been the subject of particular concern. The product has proven commercially successful because users of the pill report feelings of euphoria even as their personal lives come crashing down around them.

One anonymous user said he took some National party pills just after being made redundant, only to find his despair at losing a thirty year career turning to a strange overwhelming joy.

“One of my workmates offered me some Brighter Future pills to help me cope,” said the man. “Losing my job was the worst thing that could have happened to me, as we were already struggling financially and were behind on the mortgage, and I couldn’t see the prospect of getting another job.

“Within half an hour of taking the pills I began to see strange lights, and everything began spinning. As things slowly settled down an odd euphoria came upon me. I suddenly realised that my personal tragedy was nothing in the greater scheme of things, and that if my family’s destruction secured a better return for my employer’s shareholders then it would all be worth it.

”I took more and more Brighter Future pills over the next few months, even as everything turned to crap. I lost the house, my wife left me for a shoe repair guy, they repossessed my car, and I ended up filing for bankruptcy. But I didn’t care because I was so happy, and because I knew better times were just around the corner.

“So I spent everything I had on the pills. It was only when I ran out of money and couldn’t afford another hit that the crushing weight of the world fell upon me.

“I wish I’d never gone anywhere near National’s Brighter Future.”

Another pill user said she suffered unpleasant side-effects after taking several Labour party pills.

“The pills come in a range of colours, but I went for red,” said the woman. “People have told me that for the next month or so I was argumentative and unpleasant.

“While I was on this party pill high I found an online forum where other Labour party pill users were posting, and I began to write hundreds and hundreds of comments on the site, attacking the maker of the pill and anyone who used a different colour pill to me.

“It took over my life and I lost most of my friends.”

Mr Dunne said his motivation to regulate political party pills came from his own past experiences.

“I’m an occasional user of political party pills, and I’ve experienced my share of bad trips over the years. Labour, Future New Zealand, United New Zealand, United Future, I’ve tried them all.

“I decided in the end to make my own range of political party pills, because I was sick of feeling terrible on someone else’s product. I have to be honest, though, that while my pills provide a certain level of comfort, I’ve also experienced long periods of sleepiness, grumpiness, and bewilderment.”

Mr Dunne said the side-effects of the pills were unwelcome, but he felt better for not subjecting the public to his product before it was confirmed as safe for use.

“I’d like to see my pills on the shelves one day, but the active ingredient appears to cause flatulence,” said Mr Dunne.

He said the new testing regime would not involve harm to beloved animals.

“I have spoken to the Prime Minister, and we have agreed that political party pills should not be released to the public until they have been thoroughly tested.

“It would be unjust to subject innocent animals to a testing regime, when there are so many politicians available.

“John Key has now agreed to adopt this approach with National’s Brighter Future range. Those pills have now been taken off the market pending further tests, and Mr Key has agreed to be a test subject.

“Those tests are ongoing, but they are already showing some remarkable results. Apparently the euphoria that comes from taking a Brighter Future pill can be offset if at the same time you stuff your mouth full of live maggots.”

4 comments on “ImperatorFish: New Testing Regime For Party Pills ”

  1. Steve 1

    I think the PM is already on them

  2. Huginn 2

    Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!

  3. fender 3

    “I’d like to see my pills on the shelves one day, but the active ingredient appears to cause flatulence,” said Mr Dunne.

    That explains how Pete George was able to stink the room out constantly, before he was banned for life.

  4. PlanetOrphan 4

    This explains the “Fart Tax” fiasco , thanks ImperatorFish 🙂

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • COVID-19 vaccine slated for possible approval next week
    The green light for New Zealand’s first COVID-19 vaccine could be granted in just over a week, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said today. “We’re making swift progress towards vaccinating New Zealanders against the virus, but we’re also absolutely committed to ensuring the vaccines are safe and effective,” Jacinda Ardern said. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 hours ago
  • New ACC Board members announced.
    The Minister for ACC is pleased to announce the appointment of three new members to join the Board of ACC on 1 February 2021. “All three bring diverse skills and experience to provide strong governance oversight to lead the direction of ACC” said Hon Carmel Sepuloni. Bella Takiari-Brame from Hamilton ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • Economic boost for Southland marae
    The Government is investing $9 million to upgrade a significant community facility in Invercargill, creating economic stimulus and jobs, Infrastructure Minister Grant Robertson and Te Tai Tonga MP Rino Tirikatene have announced.  The grant for Waihōpai Rūnaka Inc to make improvements to Murihiku Marae comes from the $3 billion set ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    18 hours ago
  • Celebrating the Entry Into Force of the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons
    [Opening comments, welcome and thank you to Auckland University etc] It is a great pleasure to be here this afternoon to celebrate such an historic occasion - the entry into force of the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons. This is a moment many feared would never come, but ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Supporting disabled people to stay connected
    The Government is providing $3 million in one-off seed funding to help disabled people around New Zealand stay connected and access support in their communities, Minister for Disability Issues, Carmel Sepuloni announced today. The funding will allow disability service providers to develop digital and community-based solutions over the next two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Voluntary saliva testing offered to quarantine workers from Monday
    Border workers in quarantine facilities will be offered voluntary daily COVID-19 saliva tests in addition to their regular weekly testing, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. This additional option will be rolled out at the Jet Park Quarantine facility in Auckland starting on Monday 25 January, and then to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Next steps in firearms buy-back
    The next steps in the Government’s ambitious firearms reform programme to include a three-month buy-back have been announced by Police Minister Poto Williams today.  “The last buy-back and amnesty was unprecedented for New Zealand and was successful in collecting 60,297 firearms, modifying a further 5,630 firearms, and collecting 299,837 prohibited ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Jobs for Nature projects target iconic ecosystems
    Upscaling work already underway to restore two iconic ecosystems will deliver jobs and a lasting legacy, Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says.  “The Jobs for Nature programme provides $1.25 billion over four years to offer employment opportunities for people whose livelihoods have been impacted by the COVID-19 recession. “Two new projects ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Public Housing Plan announced
    The Government has released its Public Housing Plan 2021-2024 which outlines the intention of where 8,000 additional public and transitional housing places announced in Budget 2020, will go. “The Government is committed to continuing its public house build programme at pace and scale. The extra 8,000 homes – 6000 public ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Prime Minister congratulates President Joe Biden on his inauguration
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has congratulated President Joe Biden on his inauguration as the 46th President of the United States of America. “I look forward to building a close relationship with President Biden and working with him on issues that matter to both our countries,” Jacinda Ardern said. “New Zealand ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Jobs for Nature funding will create training and employment opportunities
    A major investment to tackle wilding pines in Mt Richmond will create jobs and help protect the area’s unique ecosystems, Biosecurity Minister Damien O’Connor says. The Mt Richmond Forest Park has unique ecosystems developed on mineral-rich geology, including taonga plant species found nowhere else in the country. “These special plant ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Pre-departure testing extended to all passengers to New Zealand
    To further protect New Zealand from COVID-19, the Government is extending pre-departure testing to all passengers to New Zealand except from Australia, Antarctica and most Pacific Islands, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “The change will come into force for all flights arriving in New Zealand after 11:59pm (NZT) on Monday ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Bay Cadets learn skills to protect environment
    Bay Conservation Cadets launched with first intake Supported with $3.5 million grant Part of $1.245b Jobs for Nature programme to accelerate recover from Covid Cadets will learn skills to protect and enhance environment Environment Minister David Parker today welcomed the first intake of cadets at the launch of the Bay ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Cook Islanders to resume travel to New Zealand
    The Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern and the Prime Minister of the Cook Islands Mark Brown have announced passengers from the Cook Islands can resume quarantine-free travel into New Zealand from 21 January, enabling access to essential services such as health. “Following confirmation of the Cook Islands’ COVID ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Supporting communities and landowners to grow employment opportunities
    Jobs for Nature funding is being made available to conservation groups and landowners to employ staff and contractors in a move aimed at boosting local biodiversity-focused projects, Conservation Minister Kiritapu Allan has announced. It is estimated some 400-plus jobs will be created with employment opportunities in ecology, restoration, trapping, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Border exception for some returning international tertiary students
    The Government has approved an exception class for 1000 international tertiary students, degree level and above, who began their study in New Zealand but were caught offshore when border restrictions began. The exception will allow students to return to New Zealand in stages from April 2021. “Our top priority continues ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Tiwai deal gives time for managed transition
    Today’s deal between Meridian and Rio Tinto for the Tiwai smelter to remain open another four years provides time for a managed transition for Southland. “The deal provides welcome certainty to the Southland community by protecting jobs and incomes as the region plans for the future. The Government is committed ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New member for APEC Business Advisory Council
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has appointed Anna Curzon to the APEC Business Advisory Council (ABAC). The leader of each APEC economy appoints three private sector representatives to ABAC. ABAC provides advice to leaders annually on business priorities. “ABAC helps ensure that APEC’s work programme is informed by business community perspectives ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Govt’s careful economic management recognised
    The Government’s prudent fiscal management and strong policy programme in the face of the COVID-19 global pandemic have been acknowledged by the credit rating agency Fitch. Fitch has today affirmed New Zealand’s local currency rating at AA+ with a stable outlook and foreign currency rating at AA with a positive ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Additional actions to keep COVID-19 out of NZ
    The Government is putting in place a suite of additional actions to protect New Zealand from COVID-19, including new emerging variants, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “Given the high rates of infection in many countries and evidence of the global spread of more transmissible variants, it’s clear that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • 19 projects will clean up and protect waterways
    $36 million of Government funding alongside councils and others for 19 projects Investment will clean up and protect waterways and create local jobs Boots on the ground expected in Q2 of 2021 Funding part of the Jobs for Nature policy package A package of 19 projects will help clean up ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • New Zealand Government acknowledges 175th anniversary of Battle of Ruapekapeka
    The commemoration of the 175th anniversary of the Battle of Ruapekapeka represents an opportunity for all New Zealanders to reflect on the role these conflicts have had in creating our modern nation, says Associate Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Kiri Allan. “The Battle at Te Ruapekapeka Pā, which took ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago