ImperatorFish: PM vows to work on his lying

Written By: - Date published: 11:58 am, April 12th, 2013 - 2 comments
Categories: john key, Satire - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

John Key
Picture taken when he was at the height of his lying powers

John Key is promising to work on his lying, after a series of scandals rocked his government.

Mr Key continues to be asked by journalists how much he knew about the illegal spying activities of the GCSB, and about the police and spy agency operations against Kim Dotcom.

National Party insiders are becoming increasingly concerned about the potential effects of Key’s clumsy lies on the subject.

“These blunders threaten to do real damage to his reputation”, said one insider.

“The credibility he established as a result of four years of careful and considered lying is now under threat”.

Business leaders have urged the prime minister to act quickly to improve his lying.

They are worried that his failure to fool anyone about what he knew and when, could quickly escalate to a full-blown inability to tell convincing lies about anything.

They fear that the deterioration in Key’s capacity to pull the wool over the eyes of the voting public could result in questions being asked about the government’s policies of cutting spending, slashing taxes, and reducing public services.

“Burble burble, cutting red tape, burble burble, tax cuts”, said Business New Zealand CEO Phil O’Reilly.

John Key today acknowledged that he would have to get better at lying.

“You knuckleheads keep catching me out” he told journalists “I guess I’ll just have to lift my game”.

Key then displayed a graph showing that the New Zealand economy was catching up with Australia’s.

“Did that one work?” he asked.

From the comments:


My name is John Margaret Thatcher Key
I’m cleaning out my whole country
I’ve just sorted out GCSB
No job’s too big or small for me

I’ll castrate the unions, crush the reds
Leave the old shivering in their beds
Bleed the young and when they’re bled
I’ll be Hawaii bound instead

I don’t tell lies, I obfuscate
My forgetfulness I celebrate
And I always look after my mates
With jobs and low taxation rates

I have no real concerns or cares
I’m one of my favourite millionaires
When I retire there’ll be few tears
With my blind trust full of Kiwi’s shares

I’ve got Peter Dunne, the king of cranks
And kupapa mowrees in my ranks
For my policies I get “NO THANKS !”
But to force them through I’ve got John Banks

I love bright lights, I love the fame
While nobody can guess my game
Of adding Queen’s honours to my name
I’ll be a Baroness, at least a Dame

I lift my lip and snarl and sneer
When knuckleheads question my career
Then I smile and wave and show no fear
By declaring war on North Korea

7th April 2013

2 comments on “ImperatorFish: PM vows to work on his lying”

  1. aerobubble 1

    The government now admits that GCSC has been spying for maybe a decade illegally.

    So that means the present Governor General was head of the GCSC at the time.

    And so Key’s government have undermined the independence of the Governor General,
    who should immediately stand down, less a constitutional crisis arises (or just did).

    Now I ask you, did Key order the head of GCSC to illegally spy on DotCom and
    when it blowup in their faces he promoted the GCSC head to the Governor General

    That’s dark real dark.

    • Murray Olsen 1.1

      What worries me is that the ethical standards of our rulers are so non-existent that what you suggest can’t just be dismissed out of hand. It should sound absolutely ridiculous, but doesn’t, and I don’t think that’s a function of my willingness to believe anything.

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