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John Key: the unwanted gift

Written By: - Date published: 2:26 pm, June 28th, 2014 - 67 comments
Categories: humour, john key - Tags: ,

For all of you John Key arselickers (like John Roughan) out there, go forth and help fight poverty. Here is your chance to bid up some second hand toilet paper.

unwanted gift - john key

Text reads:-

As new, unwanted gift from a smartarse.

John Key Portrait of a Prime Minister by John Roughan.

Essentially a love letter. Utter rubbish but may get you out of a jam if you run out of toilet paper.

Proceeds from sale go to fighting poverty.

The Questions and Answers at Trademe are pretty rough…

unwanted gift - john key1


67 comments on “John Key: the unwanted gift”

  1. ianmac 1

    Wow. Read the q&A under the Trade Me Ad.

  2. Clemgeopin 2

    Here are a few that made me laugh and remember…..and think too!
    What are your favourite gems from there?

    Q : Does it have any photos of John Key as a baby, I am wondering if he may have a birthmark under his hair resembling three numbers?
    A: I think there are 3 dollar signs.

    Q: If I bid $100,000 for it do you think you could come over to Pauanui and finish the tiling Maurice Williamson started for me? There’s only a little bit left to go in ensuite 7. Donghua Liu fastlane
    A: No but Murray MaCully might have some free time soon and I’m sure he’d roll over to help the party along.

    Q: I am wondering how you managed to get a copy as the latest goss going is that, that Liu character has bought the whole lot of copies to use them for some useful purpose on his river trip up the Yangtze for his and his staff use!
    A: Thanks for that info Shane. How’s the new job going? Seen any good movies lately?

    Q: My first thougths would be to put it up as a dark board and throw darts at the ******
    A: Let me guess, you are Maurice Williamson (or any one if the other mps in his deeply divided caucus)?

    Q: Has the foreign currency exchange gambler passed it through GCSB, SIS, FBI, NSA, FIVE EYES, USA, OBAMA, SKY CITY, AND WARNER BROS first?
    A: Yes, it went through all his routine steps.

    Q: I think John Keys is a lovely man who has really made something of himself and all yous haters are just jealous!
    A: People used to say that about John Banks.

    • weka 2.1

      My favourite,

      “There is far too much emotional clap-trap on this page. This book is actually really inspiring and make me want to be just like him. I would buy this but I already have 10 of my own copies. Signed Simon Bridges. preggyg”

      “With 11 copies you could tape them all together for the next time you go seal clubbing Simon.”

  3. Mike the Savage One 3

    A biography that has been “authorised” by the subject that it is about, is hardly worth a read, as it will mostly only “reveal” endless self promotion and flattery, and little what may be considered controversial.

    Having read a fair few of John Roughan’s “contributions” in the NZ Herald, very few of them were that informative, let alone well researched, or even inspiring and worth to read.

    How many hours would it take to read the 240 or so pages? I think I can do heaps of other, more important, valuable things, than waste my time on that “book” of actually too “rough” toilet paper. What a waste of paper and print, I say.

  4. Morrissey 4

    Mike Hosking on NewstalkZB praised the book without even a hint of qualification. So did Paul Henry on TV3. Apparently, it’s one of the best books to be published in the last decade.

    Which is odd, considering that the author, John Roughan, is one of the most unimpressive, uninspired dullards to ever work for the National Party.

    • Mike the Savage One 4.1

      “My Struggle”, John Key version, soon to replace the bible as the “most read book” on planet earth, I presume. Crosby Textor stitched up a deal with Amazon and a range of leading publishing houses, “Key Wee – in his own bed” will be an alternative title, for global readers.

  5. Will@Welly 5

    Best read I’ve had in an out-house in years. Lucky I had a spare roll to clean up afterwards.
    Later I realized the whole thing left me feeling quite shitty.

    • Tom Jackson 5.1

      I don’t believe that. The book is too full of shit already to take anyone else’s.

  6. Colonial Viper 6

    The Q&A on the auction is amazing. There are literally a hundred or more questions on this auction.

  7. srylands 7

    I am surprised by the negative views here. The book is selling very well. I tried to buy it today. Sold out.

    I would recommend David Farrar’s review of the book in 3 parts. Here is the first installment.


    For $30 it looks like a good read. Some of you may change your minds after reading David’s review.

    New stock will arrive in most retailers on 4 July.

    Kia kaha.

    • McFlock 7.1

      I guess they shipped only a few copies over to the Australian bookshops you popped into…

      • Tracey 7.1.1

        i see key chose americas independence day for the second release. How appropriate

      • srylands 7.1.2

        No McFluck. It was Whitcouls in Lambton Quay. You are a rude fuckwit.

        • felix

          You really can’t hold that mask very long.

          • Akldnut

            srylands you fucking idiot, if you’re that keen you can buy them using Buy Now on trademe

            They’re so popular no-one’s buying them.
            If you really want to kiss his arse, use Buy Now. BTW it’s on the back down the bottom

            • felix

              Don’t think they can use trademe in Australia…

              • srylands

                I don’t live in Australia. I have been a member of Trademe since 2000 – i.e 14 years. Get a grip.

                • McFlock

                  I don’t live in Australia.

                  But you said you did.

                  While you were bitching about trying to fill a job in NZ that allegedly paid up to $200k per year while requiring almost no significant skills.

                  Wow. So many contradictions in less than a year. It’s almost as if you just make things up on the fly…

                  • srylands

                    You consisitently display such a poor knowledge of New Zealand Policy McFluck that you certainly don’t live in New Zealand. Neither are you an adult. I’ll stop short of wishing death on you like your vile flatmate.

                    • McFlock

                      At least I know what the GST rate is.

                      Unlike you, the supposed NZ policy expert.

                      by the way, it’s poor form to wish death on anyone, even if you believe they are “vile”.

                    • srylands

                      “by the way, it’s poor form to wish death on anyone, even if you believe they are “vile”.”

                      Yes exactly – that was my point. Why do you tolerate it of your mate?

                    • McFlock

                      I suspect my mate might think that being wished dead by you was a compliment.

            • srylands

              Don’t be so rude.

              I bought it at $24. Why would I pay $38 for it?

              I have been a member of Trademe since it started in 2000, so I can use it thanks.

        • McFlock

          I’m surprised you didn’t say you’d popped into Parson’s yesterday :p

          • srylands

            Parsons shut down in February.

            • McFlock

              I know. Just testing your google skills.

              • srylands

                McFluck just name the place and I’ll meet you tonight. You are channeling your own inadequacies as a human.

                • McFlock

                  touching, but you’re not my type.
                  Besides, the next time I’ll be in wgtn you’ll be claiming to live in aus again.

                  • srylands

                    “Besides, the next time I’ll be in wgtn you’ll be claiming to live in aus again.”

                    I think the problem is that you neither reside in New Zealand or know anything much about New Zealand society, its issues, or how to fix them.

                    • Colonial Viper

                      Shitlands you really are funny. Speaking of problems and deficits, you have a credibility deficit which is going to take a lifetime to recover from.

                    • McFlock

                      I think the problem is that you neither reside in New Zealand or know anything much about New Zealand society, its issues, or how to fix them.

                      Just to summarise:

                      1. Sspylands claimed to live in Australia
                      2. Sspylands now claims to have lived in NZ for simply ages, uses as evidence a claim that he’s been a member of Trademefor ages
                      3. now adopts the ‘I know you are [a stranger to this land] but what am I?’ strategy

                      If sspylands really has been at all involved in NZ government policy over the last 20 years, I think we now know why the country is in its current state.

    • Tracey 7.2

      By only putting 1000 on s ale, boag, hooton and farrar could ensure they sold out quickly

      At the national party conference they are competing to buy the most copies. The person who buys the least is the next “deadwood”

      John key has made it clear it must be a best seller within a month. He hates to lose.

    • Kiwiri 7.3

      Nah, they are always plenty of copies lying around:


    • ffloyd 7.4

      Try trade me. More than one auction available. If you wait long enough you can probably get it for 10c.

    • Mike the Savage One 7.5

      A book with a basic level of quality and standard does not sell below $ 50 a piece, so that tells us something, they are desperate to sell it, and get rid of the stock, as once the first competent feedback hits the media headlines, the sales will plummet.

  8. dimebag russell 8

    in 6 months time they will be on the free counter at the salvation army store.

  9. irascible 9

    Looking forward to a package deal for a $1.00 from The Warehouse: Brash’s autobiography, a Paul Holmes CD, Paul Henry’s ramblings and the Roughan puff piece. Reckon that should be great to take back for a Christmas refund.

  10. Draco T Bastard 10


    That pic really needs to be embedded.

  11. joe90 11

    Gee, wouldn’t it be great to be a fly on the wall when Key fans who had a rush of blood and bought the book remember they don’t actually read books.

    • idlegus 11.1

      “I wonder who will play me in the film” he quipped. John Key is a dead ringer for David Brent.

    • David H 11.2

      Then Joe90 they would be in great company, because TricKey don’t read anything either.

  12. Mike the Savage One 12

    Re comment number 10:
    “Ordnung muss sein”, they say in German, I think our “Speaker” would have done well in the time frame from 1933 to 1945 in “Central Europe”, enforcing “order” in his resolute, relentless fashion. Is this the “new order” for “democracy” or “de-mockeracy”, I ask?

  13. greywarbler 13

    What a great lot of titles. They may become as p popular as Game of Thrones or the Walking Dead or Zombies. Great drama.

  14. Jrobin 14

    Team Key, Keem Tea,

    Whoever thought this up
    I want to buy a drink……

    Or three

    Team Key Meme Tea
    You saw it first
    For good or worse

    On the news on T V three

    A strange and cloying comedy
    They’re giving away books for free
    Slippree, slandrous and soon to be……..

    The loser

  15. Roger 15

    “Proceeds from sale go to fighting poverty.”

    Finally something related to John Key has gone toward this purpose.

  16. fdx 16

    One week out from the publishers and….


    20% off – Was $32, Now $25.60

    How long till the ignominy of the $5 bins at the warehouse becomes a reality?

  17. dimebag russell 17

    how many trees, how much chlorine bleach, how much lead to produce this load of old cobblers to foist upon genuine kiwis who want jobs and security instead of false promises and bromides.
    Kweewee has got a bloody cheek coming up with this sort of tripe.

  18. Charlieboy 18

    I’m waiting for the tell all book about Keys rise to power. For every hagiography there is a true story to tell. For example I bet when Key left Merrill Lynch he nervously expected the authorities to come calling. You never know they might do a Berlusconi on him yet. I live in hope.

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