web analytics

Key “AT HOME” in Whale Oil Cafe

Written By: - Date published: 3:13 pm, May 24th, 2014 - 10 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags:

Allo, ‘Allo, ‘Allo, ‘Allo, Episode 4.  Based on the 1980’s comedy series “Allo, ‘Allo”.  starring Cameron Slater as Rene and Judith Collins as Edith his wife.   Set in a greasy spoon cafe off K’d.

See previous episodes: Starring role Key  schemes

It is early morning before the Whale Oil cafe has opened.  Cameron Rene sits at a table looking downcast as he polishes his trophy.  Judith Edith is using a klenix tissue to dust a framed picture of David Cunliffe buying shoes.

EDITH:  “Rene, you are looking very downcast.  Would you like one of my klenix?”

RENE:  “You stupid woman!  Of course I am down cast.  We recently won this special Cannon award.” (reads from the inscription on the trophy)  “To Whale Oil for having the best  BOG 2014” .  “But now I feel we are about to lose all we have achieved.  We have competition.”

EDITH:  “But Rene who is this competition?  How are they competing with us?  Surely nobody could have a better Bog than we do here at  Whale Oil.”

RENE:  “We have competition all right!  Some protester threw manure at a former Mayor of Auckland this week.  Copying me!  And now the PM is saying the standards in Parliament are very low. He is noticing this more and more as others stoop to his level.  Why someone even accused Bill of having a very insensitive sausage, which is a very mean thing to say.  According to the  PM the Greens are really nasty and have a nasty underbelly! But we at Whale Oil are seeking to be the nastiest.  The possibility of being upstaged by the Greens is more than I can cope with!”

EDITH:  “The Greens! Yes nasty, nasty, nasty! They have offended me too, with their horrible haute couture” (pauses and straightens her jacket), ” I know………. I could get  Maurice to give the police a call.  He could tell them to investigate this nastiness and try and put a stop to it.”

RENE:  “You stupid woman!  It no longer works having Maurice call the police.  He was in the backroom at Whale Oil  all last week making 111 calls, but now the police hang up on him.  Not like the good old days.  I have had to get him to do some handy man work around the cafe.  He is currently repairing the roof.  We have so many drips coming into Whale Oil.”

EDITH:  “Yes these drips come in to Whale Oil and they make the floor of the cafe slippery and slimy.”

RENE:  “Its not just the drips that make the cafe slippery and slimy Judith  Edith.   I suspect,  the Prime Minister has been sleeping on our floor here .”

EDITH:  “John!  On our floor!  Maybe that’s why he looks so tired lately.”

RENE:  “No Edith, it is not our floor that makes him tired.  Its that hound Campbell that he is losing sleep over.”

EDITH:  “Yes Campbell.  What can be done with that hound!”

RENE:  “Well we have invited Campbell to lunch at the Cafe today.”

EDITH;  “Oh Rene”  (throws her arms around him)” An at home with the leaders lunch!  What a coup for us at Whale Oil!.  This must be why John is sleeping on our slippery floor!  He is wanting to do his at home with the leaders in our cafe so the public can see that Whale Oil is is his true home!”

RENE:  “Yes Campbell thinks he coming here for an “At his true home with Key.”.  But…..listen very carefully I will say this only once.….  What is really happening today is special trainers are going to try to re-train Campbell so he stops sniffing around and starts running with the media pack.”

Latter that day at Whale Oil the training is in progress…………John Key sits on the throne.  He has three laps dogs from the Herald sitting on his lap gazing up at him with a fixed expression of adoration.  At his side are two chihuauas from Radio NZ.  The Campbell hound is sniffing around and every time he appears to have found something the chihuahuas bark vociferously.  Key attempts a dog whistle, but the Campbell hound continues to dig.

KEY:  “Hell you have to respect the Campbell hound really.  He persists with digging up real stuff.  I wonder if that’s what you call integrity?”

IAN:  “Forget integrity John. How do you think this training is working?”

JOHN:  (as one of the lap dogs  licks him all over) “This is working really well for me.  I am just loving this devotion.”

IAN:  “Yes most of the media pack are so well trained.  But that blasted Campbell. He continues to snoop around.”

JOHN:  “Why can’t he learn to be like the pack I have around me.  They are all over me like a rash”.

IAN:  “Campbell’s a blood hound.  They sniff out the truth.”

KEY:  “Truth???? Can you err, please let me know what that word means? It’s not something I am familiar with.”

IAN:  “You stupid man..why on earth would we bother to train you in the truth.”

10 comments on “Key “AT HOME” in Whale Oil Cafe ”

  1. tinfoilhat 1

    can i have that 30 seconds of my life back ?

    • Weepu's beard 1.1

      C’marrn, lighten up. I know being conservative is serious business but have a laugh once in a while – it’ll do you good.

  2. seeker 2

    “KEY: “Truth???? Can you err, please let me know what that word means? It’s not something I am familiar with.”

    Absolutely Suzanna. Here is a clip from the Herald last April showing key desperately ferreting around trying to avoid that which he is so uncomfortable with and in so doing managing to tell the one recorded lie I have never forgotten.

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/politics-videos/news/video.cfm?c_id=1503464&gal_cid=1503464&gallery_id=131968

    Blip I think you need to archive this please, and huge thanks for all the invaluable work you have done thus far.

    • Murray Olsen 2.1

      That one has all the hallmarks of someone in a very uncomfortable situation, hoping that swamping the interviewers with irrelevant details will make them forget the question. There’s also the super fast talking, hoping that he’ll be at the end of it soon.

      Yet right wingers love hearing his lies. I would have thought there might be one or two honest ones out there somewhere, but they are very hard to find.

  3. second thoughts 3

    this is not even funny…..Campbell live was funnier

  4. captain hook 4

    one more cup of coffee for the road…

  5. Charlieboy 5

    How does Key get away with the bare faced lying that you see in Seeker’s clip.If I had tried this sort of feeble rubbish at my High school, years ago,with my voice squeeking,going red in the face and trying to laugh it off, I would have been stopped mid sentence, told to stop lying,and get ready to take my punishment .

    • seeker 5.1

      Exactly Charlieboy. Glad you agree. Perhaps I shall use it again so it will get more exposure as I think it is invaluable in giving truth to the fact that key definitely lies – unfortunately for us.

      • felix 5.1.1

        The real outrage is not the lie.

        It’s that he lied directly to a room full of journalists who while noting that he had just contradicted himself, they then let him repeat it and do nothing to follow it up.

        • seeker 5.1.1.1

          Agree felix. Am trying to follow it up myself now I am feeling a little better. The clip was on the Herald site for a couple of weeks and I rang and mentioned it to Stuff. Andrea Vance was standing chewing gum right beside key and if she didn’t follow it up…..as you say an outrage and a mysterious one at that considering her apparent interest in the GCSB.

          I and my computer were effectively out for the count after that – my computer died and after two big ops, thanks to superb surgeons and thank God too, I didn’t. Now I borrow a laptop at times and with the anaesthetic clearing I am trying to get back into action.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Clean car package to drive down emissions
    New rebates for electric and plug-in hybrid vehicles start July 1 with up to $8,625 for new vehicles and $3,450 for used. Electric vehicle chargers now available every 75km along most state highways to give Kiwis confidence. Low Emission Transport Fund will have nearly four times the funding by 2023 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • Progress towards simpler process for changing sex on birth certificates
    The Government is taking the next step to support transgender, non-binary and intersex New Zealanders, by progressing the Births, Deaths, Marriages and Relationships Registration Bill, Minister of Internal Affairs, Jan Tinetti announced today. “This Government understands that self-identification is a significant issue for transgender, non-binary and intersex New Zealanders, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    12 hours ago
  • Crown speeds up engagement with takutai moana applicants
    The Crown is taking a new approach to takutai moana applications to give all applicants an opportunity to engage with the Crown and better support the Māori-Crown relationship, Treaty of Waitangi Negotiations Minister Andrew Little says. Following discussions with applicant groups, the Crown has reviewed the existing takutai moana application ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Alcohol and Other Drug Treatment (AODT) Court opens
    The Minister of Justice, Kris Faafoi, and the Minister for Courts, Aupito William Sio, have welcomed the opening of a new Alcohol and Other Drug Treatment (AODT) Court in Hamilton. The AODT Court (Te Whare Whakapiki Wairua) addresses situations where substance abuse and offending are intertwined. “New Zealanders have told ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • EU and UK FTAs top of list for first ministerial trip since COVID-19
    Trade and Export Growth Minister Damien O’Connor today announced details of his planned visit to the United Kingdom and European Union next week, where he will hold trade and agriculture discussions to further New Zealand’s economic recovery from COVID-19. The visit will add political weight to ongoing negotiations with both the EU ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Arihia Bennett to chair Royal Commission Ministerial Advisory Group
    Te Rūnanga o Ngāi Tahu chief executive Arihia Bennett MNZM has been appointed chair of the newly appointed Ministerial Advisory Group on the Government’s Response to the Royal Commission of Inquiry into the terrorist attack on Christchurch mosques. “Twenty-eight people from diverse backgrounds across Aotearoa have been selected for the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Speech to the New Zealand Medical Association General Practitioners' Conference, Rotorua
    Ki ngā pou maha o te whare hauora o Aotearoa, kei te mihiTo the pillars of our health system I acknowledge/thank you Ki te ope hapai hauora o roto o tēnei rūma, kei te mihi To our health force here in the room today, I acknowledge/thank you He taura tangata, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Karangahape Road upgrades are streets ahead
    The upgrades to Karangahape Road makes the iconic street more pedestrian and cycle-friendly, attractive and environmentally sustainable, Transport Minister Michael Wood and Auckland Mayor Phil Goff said at the formal celebration of the completion of the Karangahape Road Enhancements project. The project included widening footpaths supporting a better outdoor dining ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Speech to APEC business event
    E ngā tumu herenga waka, ākina ā ngaru, ākina ā tai ka whakatere ngā waka ki te whakapapa pounamu, otirā, ki Tamaki o ngā waka Tena koutou katoa… To the great leaders assembled, who guided your waka through turbulent times, challenging waters and you continue to navigate your respective waka ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Pause on Quarantine Free Travel with Victoria extended
    Following an assessment of the COVID-19 outbreak in greater Melbourne, New Zealand’s Quarantine Free Travel pause with Victoria will continue for a further seven days, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins says. There are now 93 cases associated with the outbreak in greater Melbourne, spread over four clusters. Contact tracing efforts ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Supplier Diversity Aotearoa Summit: Navigate 2021
    *** Check with delivery *** A mihi to all who have contributed to making today a success – starting with you! As you have explored and navigated government procurement today you will hopefully have reflected on the journey of our people so far – and how you can make a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Pukemiro School to close
    Pukemiro Primary School near Huntly will close following years of declining roll numbers, Education Minister Chris Hipkins announced today. “I’ve consulted with the School Commissioner, and this decision acknowledges the fact that the few remaining students from last term are now settled at other nearby schools. “I want to thank ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Govt acts to protect NZers from harmful content
    New Zealanders will be better protected from harmful or illegal content as a result of work to design a modern, flexible and coherent regulatory framework, Minister of Internal Affairs Jan Tinetti announced today. New Zealand currently has a content regulatory system that is comprised of six different arrangements covering some ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Consultation on exemption of new builds from proposed tax rules
    The Government has today confirmed new builds will be exempt from planned changes to the tax treatment of residential investment property.  Public consultation is now open on details of the proposals, which stop interest deductions being claimed for residential investment properties other than new builds.   “The Government’s goal is to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Speech for Predator Free 2050 Conference
    Introduction E ngā mana E ngā reo E ngā iwi Tēnā koutou katoa   Ka huri ki ngā mana whenua o te rohe nei. Tēnā koutou He mihi hoki ki a tatou kua tau mai nei i raro i te kaupapa o te rā Ko Ayesha Verrall toku ingoa No ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • New stock exchange to help grow small businesses
    A new share trading market, designed as a gateway to the NZX for small-to-medium-sized enterprises (SMEs), has been granted a licence by the Government. Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister, David Clark said Catalist Markets Ltd will provide a simpler and more affordable ‘stepping stone’ for SMEs to raise capital. “This ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Visa extensions provide certainty to employers and 10,000 visa holders
    Changes to onshore visas will provide employers and visa holders with more certainty, Immigration Minister Kris Faafoi has announced. Around 10,000 Working Holiday visas and Supplementary Seasonal Employment (SSE) work visas due to expire between 21 June 2021 and 31 December 2021 will be extended for another six months to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Border class exceptions approved for more farm workers and vets
    The Government has approved border class exceptions for an additional 200 dairy workers and 50 veterinarians to enter New Zealand, Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor announced today.  “It is clear from conversations with the dairy and veterinarian sectors that they are facing workforce pressures. These border exceptions will go a long ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • More freezers and South Island hub to support vaccine roll-out
    A South Island hub and 17 new ultra-low temperature freezers will help further prepare New Zealand for the ramp up of the vaccination programme in the second half of this year, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins says. The new freezers arrived in New Zealand on 27 May. They’re currently being ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Speech at the release of Climate Change Commission's final advice
    Good morning – and thank you Prime Minister. Over the last three and half years we have been putting in place the foundations for a low-carbon Aotearoa that will be a catalyst for job creation, innovation, and prosperity for decades to come. In that future, many of our everyday tasks ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Achievable blueprint for addressing climate change released
    Report says Government making good progress on emissions reduction, but more action required Meeting climate targets achievable and affordable with existing technology Economic cost of delaying action higher than taking action now Benefits from climate action include health improvements and lower energy bills All Ministers to help meet climate targets ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Speech to release of Climate Commission final report
    A few years ago in a speech in Auckland, I compared climate change to the nuclear free movement of roughly four decades ago. And I did so for a few reasons. Firstly, because the movement of the 1980s represented a life or death situation for the Pacific, and so does ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Appointment of Judge of the High Court
    Auckland Barrister Michael Robinson has been appointed a Judge of the High Court, Attorney‑General David Parker announced today. Justice Robinson graduated with a BA and an LLB (Hons) from the University of Auckland in 1996, and commenced practice as a solicitor with Brookfields in Auckland.  In 1998 he travelled to London ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Government takes action to improve protections for subcontractors
    The Construction Contracts (Retention Money) Amendment Bill – which provides greater financial protection for subcontractors, has passed its first reading today. The Bill amends the retention provisions in the Construction Contracts Act 2002 (CCA) to provide increased confidence and transparency for subcontractors that retention money they are owed is safe. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • 1 million more Pfizer doses to arrive in July
    Pfizer has scheduled delivery of an estimated 1 million doses of vaccine to New Zealand during July, COVID1-9 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “These consignments will double the total number of Pfizer doses we have received this year to more than 1,900,000 – enough to fully vaccinate almost 1 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Long-term home of the Independent Children’s Monitor identified
    The Independent Children’s Monitor (Te Mana Whakamaru Tamariki Motuhake), which is currently located within the Ministry of Social Development (MSD), will become its own departmental agency within Government. “Following the recommendations of several reviews, Cabinet agreed in 2019 to build a significantly expanded independent monitor for children in care,” Carmel ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Racing Integrity Board members announced
    The new Racing Integrity Board will be up and running from July 1 to ensure high standards of animal welfare, integrity and professionalism in the racing industry. Racing Minister Grant Robertson today announced the appointments to the new Board: Sir Bruce Robertson KNZM – Chair Kristy McDonald ONZM QC Penelope ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Govt crackdown on organised crime continues
    A major operation against multiple organised crime groups with international links will make a significant dent in drug harm and violent offending linked to organised crime networks, Police Minister Poto Williams says. “I want to take an opportunity to congratulate the Police for their role in Operation Trojan Shield. This ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Farm planning framework supports farmers into the future
    A new framework, agreed between Government and industry, will make it easier for farmers and growers to integrate future greenhouse gas emissions and freshwater regulatory requirements into their farm planning, Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor said. “The Good Farm Planning Principles Guide out today, provides guidance for how farmers can organise ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Enhanced Task Force Green Approved for Canterbury
    The Government has activated Enhanced Taskforce Green (ETFG) in response to the Canterbury floods. The Minister of Social Development and Employment, Hon Carmel Sepuloni says $500,000 will be made available to help with the clean-up. The flooding in Canterbury has been a significant and adverse event damaging farmland, homes, roads ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Connecting rangatahi to the soil
    A Jobs for Nature project to raise 480,000 native plants in nurseries across South Auckland will provide work for communities disproportionately affected by the economic impacts of COVID-19, Acting Conservation Minister Ayesha Verrall says. The Mana in Kaimahi project is being run by Te Whāngai Trust Board and will establish ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Roll out of high-resolution elevation mapping begins
    The first tranche of mapping data from the Provincial Growth Fund (PGF)-LiDAR project is now available to the public from Toitū Te Whenua Land Information New Zealand. LiDAR data, which creates 3D baseline elevation information, will deliver multiple uses over the coming decades to councils and regional industries. “This mapping ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Champions of Pacific education rewarded in Queen’s Birthday Honours
    Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio said the Queen’s Birthday 2021 Honours list show that across Aotearoa New Zealand there were many champions of Pacific education. “Education is so vital to the success of Pacific people that it’s truly fitting that a number of educators have been honoured this ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • PM congratulates Queen’s Birthday Honours recipients
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has added her congratulations to the New Zealanders recognised for their contributions to their communities and the country in the Queen’s Birthday 2021 Honours List. “This group represents decades of services across many areas, and those honoured highlight how many New Zealanders are going above and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Change of status for Rangiriri kura
    A change of status for Te Kura o Rangiriri sees it become a designated character school within the Māori-medium network, Associate Minister of Education Kelvin Davis announced today. “This kura has been providing Māori immersion learning since 2003 in the historic town of Rangiriri, so I’m delighted that it is ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • APEC trade ministers’ unite on COVID-19 vaccine steps and rejuvenating the WTO
    APEC trade ministers today committed to speeding up the cross-border flow of vaccines and related goods to fight the COVID-19 pandemic. This followed the completion of the APEC Ministers Responsible for Trade Meeting chaired by Minister for Trade and Export Growth Damien O’Connor early this morning. “As we face the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Further consultation for Melville schools
    Formal consultation is set to begin on specific options for the future of schooling in South West Hamilton, Education Minister Chris Hipkins says. “Recent engagement has shown that the schools and community want a change to Year 7-13 schooling for the area.  “I am now asking the Boards of Melville ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Primary schoolkids dig trees for Arbor Day
    A new Arbor Day initiative announced by Forestry Minister Stuart Nash will see thousands of primary school children get the chance to plant native trees in their communities. The initiative is open to more than 2,400 primary schools. It is a partnership between Te Uru Rākau/NZ Forest Service and the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • NZ Upgrade Programme kept on track
    The Government is increasing its investment in the New Zealand Upgrade Programme (NZUP) to support New Zealand’s economic recovery. Over two thirds of the projects will proceed as announced despite increased costs due to COVID, with modifications being made to others. “NZUP is already supporting over 1,000 jobs with 13 ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Northern Pathway gets green light
    The Government is committed to the Northern Pathway with its preferred option being a separate structure for walking and cycling alongside the Auckland Harbour Bridge, Transport Minister Michael Wood announced today. Geotechnical investigations and testing has determined that building a structure connected to the Auckland Harbour Bridge is not possible ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago