Kim Jong Key Is Missing

Written By: - Date published: 11:45 am, October 16th, 2014 - 45 comments
Categories: john key - Tags:

The Latest News Bulletin from CNN


“Concern is mounting in New Zealand over the whereabouts of the country’s leader, Kim Jong Key. The Great Leader has not been seen on television or heard on radio for over two hours. Observers say that his disappearance for such a long period is unprecedented. Speculation is rife that Kim Jong Key may have been the victim of a coup.

Experts suggest that the limited evidence available points to the possible involvement of one or both of his senior colleagues – Joy Stee Ven and Koh Lins Jood.   Both are known to have leadership aspirations, and – unusually for a regime where the news is carefully controlled – Koh Lins Jood’s serious falling-out with The Great Leader recently has been obliquely referred to in new bulletins.

Key’s office, however, says that their only concern is that Kim Jong Key apparently suffers from a rare medical condition that means that – without the stimulus of a television camera trained upon him – he is prone to falling into a coma. “It is essential that we get him to a television studio as soon as possible,” an aide said.

His office has revealed that there had been an unfortunate incident yesterday evening when a camera malfunction meant that an interview Key was giving as he lifted weights at the World’s Strongest Man competition could not be broadcast.  They say it is possible that this triggered the onset of withdrawal symptoms.

Television news broadcasters have acknowledged to overseas colleagues that Key’s absence for a whole two hours has caused them substantial problems. They concede that if the Great Leader’s absence continues into a second day, they will have to re-schedule their programming to take account of much shorter news bulletins. They also hinted that if he remains missing, there is the risk of job losses among camera crews and of some channels closing down altogether.

There is good news for some, though; the Defence Minister has apparently confirmed that if Kim Jong Key’s whereabouts remain unknown, RNZAF pilots will be given extended leave.

It is understood that an emergency Cabinet meeting has been called by Key’s Deputy, Ing Lish Bil, so that Ministers can be advised on how to answer questions and make statements about their portfolios. “Ministers will need some special coaching,” he said, “since most will never have had the experience of dealing with these matters themselves.”

There has been little impact on the stock exchange so far, and inquiries overseas have only just got under way. A White House spokesperson, asked if he knew anything about the whereabouts of Kim Jong Key, said “Who?”

Now, breaking news. The Great Leader has been found. Early reports suggest that he has no recollection of where he has been but does not intend to ask and no one else will be allowed to. He insists that he is “comfortable” with the situation. He does, however, intend to set up an inquiry as to what he was doing during the two hours of his absence. In view of her expertise in answering questions about the whereabouts of ministers, the inquiry will be conducted by former justice minister, Koh Lins Jood, and is expected to report in six months’ time. Kim Jong Key himself is not expected to give evidence.

Meanwhile, the atmosphere in the remote country has returned to normal and the media are pushing the message that, with The Great Leader back at the helm, all is well.

Bryan Gould

16 October 2014

45 comments on “Kim Jong Key Is Missing”

  1. Tracey 1


  2. Dorothy 2

    I enjoyed your contribution Bryan,
    it surely must be a challenge to fill all that news space!

  3. Observer (Tokoroa) 3

    The problem is that each time he comes back from his disappearances he remembers less and less. and his people get poorer. Not to mention the people’s housing woes.

    He is a very bad Capitalist. Ongoing and consistently bad.

    • Colonial Rawshark 3.1

      The problem is that each time he comes back from his disappearances he remembers less and less

      More like, there is less and less that he can tell us about what he has been meeting about, and what he has signed NZ up to.

  4. Andrew Welsh 5

    Given that the political system of North Korea is built on centralisation, for the left of NZ politics to be making fun of “The Great Leader” must surely be viewed as blasphemy from your rank and file? I look forward to your esteemed sage on TDB venting his spleen at the heretics of The Standard.

    • emergency mike 5.1

      Yes look at all the lefties here expressing their outrage about this blasphemy Andrew…

      If you could be a bit less vague than ‘centralisation’ when trying to argue that left values in NZ correspond to the political system of North Korea that might help. But I doubt it.

    • ghostwhowalksnz 5.2

      They too have a cult of personality, centred around a leader whos every thought and utterance is deemed remarkable.

      Much could be made of Kim Jong Keys administrations warlike utterances but his own stated desires for peace, harmony and cheap oil. Two track strategy here!

      Guess who said this:
      “”The industrial revolution in the new century is, in essence, a scientific and technological revolution, and breaking through the cutting edge is a shortcut to the building of an economic giant,” he said.
      Thats Kim Jong Un, he was talking about ‘world class’ etc,

      Bboth spent much of their life before running the country overseas, one in London?New York, the other in Switzerland

      Both hang out with sports stars, Dennis Rodman being KJU bestie, while KJK spends time with Ritchie McCaw and …. well anybody on a sports team.

      AS for traitors, KJU had his uncle shot, and Judith Collins may be getting a bullet in the post sometime soon, as she is bought down a peg or two

      • Manuka - Ancient Order of Rawsharks 5.2.1

        The “having the uncle shot”, I would liken more to the raid on Nicky Hager’s home and appropriation of his tools of trade. Both acts were to suppress murmurs of dissent and to send out warnings to others. For a writer to lose all that Nicky has lost is equivalent to a manual worker having his arms broken (or cut off, they are not returned soon). And note that the raid happened during that brief interim time slot when there was no opposition party around to call or question kjk on the action.

      • Tracey 5.2.2

        and the flag, dont forget the flag

        • Anne

          Oh the flag. The flag! You mean the flag wot gets raised every time Fong Con- Key has to make an unpalatable decision like… dropping us into a new war and turning us into terrorist targets in the process.

          Seriously, I find it mind boggling that we have been pushed into a referendum on this flag when 90% of the population don’t give a damm about a bit of coloured rag on the end of a long pole.

          • Tracey

            yup…. nothing like some good ol american, i mean kiwi, patriotism…

            i keep seeing that guy from the beginning of fantasy island…

            pointing and saying “the flag! the flag!”

    • framu 5.3

      your obviously not familiar with the work of the great centraliser stephen joyce

      your also have this weird idea that lefties think the same and follow the same party

      kind of outdated and foolish of you

    • Bill 5.4

      Dearest Andrew. How about you read up on ‘the left’ a wee bit and pay particular attention to the difference between the authoritarian left and the non-authoritarian left?

      sheesh – you could even blow your mind a tad by noting the similarities between the authoritarian right and the authoritarian left…

  5. He was missing in action, front line in Palestine he was, never mind, the super snoops knew where he was.
    Now the trick is how to make him stay there, revoke his passport I suggest.

  6. swordfish 7

    Dear Leader ?………..I would have thought Citizen Key…………

  7. Clemgeopin 8

    Key responded on TV as follows:

    “At the end of the day, I am found and that must be a good thing because I feel that we are on the cusp of something very big! Now that I am back, I will resume working for NewsLund. Ah, another thing I like to clarify : If I often mislead the people, that is not a big deal really because that is the way we manage things anyway. I am very comfortable with that. So are the voters, actully!”

  8. SHG 9

    Meanwhile in the real world,

    Rust never sleeps. And neither, it seems, does John Key. Not for him the notion of taking a few days off post-election to relax, rejuvenate and reflect in the wake of his personal triumph at the ballot box before easing himself back into the heavy and relentless workload that comes with the title of Prime Minister.

    Key instead hit the ground running, thereby leading by example. He is acutely conscious that his third successive term in power may well be his toughest; that public expectations of his Government may exceed its ability to deliver, especially if the economy slows dramatically.
    While Labour was slowly getting around to setting up a review of its lamentable performance, Key had already conducted his own post-mortem on National’s showing. That task would have involved identifying where National was vulnerable and then neutralising that vulnerability – or even turning it to the party’s advantage.

    It is this constant self-scrutiny which makes Key such a tough opponent. It is a big part of why Labour failed to gain traction during the election campaign.

    Key is now taking advantage of Labour being completely distracted by its contest for the party’s leadership.

    He used Monday’s reshuffle of ministerial portfolios to unveil a new structure designed to ensure better ministerial oversight of the two intelligence agencies, the Security Intelligence Service and the Government Communications Security Bureau.

    etc etc

    • framu 9.1

      hate to break it to you – but “what john armstrong thinks” doesnt equal the real world

    • Murray Rawshark 9.2

      That’s actually like a groupie writing a fan letter to some rock star they’re hoping to get 5 minutes of backstage action with. Armstrong is far gone.

      • ghostwhowalksnz 9.2.1

        “…He is acutely conscious that his third successive term…”

        Shouldnt that be- as dictated by John Key.

    • AmaKiwi 9.3

      “It is this constant self-scrutiny which makes Key such a tough opponent. It is a big part of why Labour failed to gain traction during the election campaign.”

      No. I loaded 4 million people with $60 billion of debt, which means every man, woman, and child got an average of $15,000 spent on them. Most of them were so happy they thought I was a brilliant leader. Once I have retired to my gated estate in Hawaii they can struggle to repay it.

      For my next trick I am selling off 61,000 state houses. The $18 billion will go to the upper and middle classes so they can re-elect me again. The tricks of a money trader.

  9. Kevin 10

    Pathetic! Leave satire to the competent. (Or is all your ‘writing’ meant to be satirical??)

  10. The Gormless Fool formerly known as Oleolebiscuitbarrell 11

    Who’s the attention seeker, Bryan?

  11. alwyn 12

    “Alas, poor Bryan.
    I knew him Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy”

    Unfortunately Bryan is ageing and now we must suggest, as Shakespeare did

    “Last scene of all,
    That ends this strange eventful history,
    Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
    Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.”

    Good try, but no cigar for humour.

  12. Meat Grinder 13

    In the real world, yes Ream Key are doing there best to keep nailing people to the wall, they certainly have an efficient Propaganda machine, also good to keep the media focusing on the oppostion:
    18% of New Zealanders are struggling to make ends meet and another 49% are less well off than they would like.
    48% of New Zealanders at least sometimes spend more than they earn.
    34% have less than $1,000 in savings and 60% have less than $5,000.
    11% don’t have any savings.
    42% have no savings goal.
    43% rate their financial knowledge as poor or only fair.
    72% believe it would be beneficial to improve their financial knowledge.
    75% of people prefer to get financial information and education online.
    48% of people are in KiwiSaver.
    22% of people have cash saved at home.
    How many people/familes dont own their own home and are rent slaves:
    in 2013, 453,135 households rented their home (ie paid rent), up from 388,275 in 2006.

    • SHG 13.1

      good to keep the media focusing on the oppostion

      Oh Labour are doing fine at that all by themselves.

      • Meat Grinder 13.1.1

        “Oh Labour are doing fine at that all by themselves”

        Only just with a tiny bit of help from oh, Armstrong, Henry, Hoskins, Hooten, TVNZ, TV3, Not the Hearld, Dim Post, NBr for dorks, RNZ 6-9am slot etc etc….

        Oh and yourself and other ones just like you SHG + ALWYN, your lot seem to be sniffing around here. Could I suggest politely you go chase parked cars.

        I love your in-depth analysis and erudition.

        Your awesome, can I get your autograph or paw print.

        Woof Woof, on on….

        Now what does JK say, if it barks like a dog

        • alwyn

          That’s funny. The only person going “woof woof” around here is yourself.
          If it barks like a dog (and you are) it must be a dog.
          With a name like “Meat Grinder” it must be an American Pitbull. Aren’t they banned?

  13. Manuka - Ancient Order of Rawsharks 14

    Dear honourable writer Mr Gould, please send honourable updates of dear leader’s honourable condition, when time permits. It provides rare chance for the people to humbly rejoice 🙂 (And it brings many delightful reactive comments from dear leader’s close supporters.)

  14. Me and my wife were in stitches.Trouble is Bryan is that it is all true and in fact Key is a very dangerous man .He gives me the willies I bet Key’s flunkeys have already told him. The only trouble . What is coming next.

  15. a population largely asleep/swallowing the kool-ade..

    ..and a media subservient to the ruling paradigm..

    ..are also potent echoes..

    ..i wonder if the nth korean version also appears on breakfast telly..?

    ..there to be fawned over by compliant toadies..?

  16. Liam 17

    Okay that is pretty funny

  17. philj 18

    Good job Bryan. Pity about the topic.

    GodKey is ascending …
    I see it
    I can feel it
    The air is so. ….. different
    I feel a pu moment coming …..

  18. Ecosse_Maidy 19

    Thanks for the smiles, done with a lovely Susan Townendish fashion,,bravo!

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Strong first week of firearms buy-back events
    The first full week of the firearms buy-back and amnesty has produced a strong turnout as events roll out nationwide for the first time. “Momentum is slowly starting to build as community collection events are held across the entire country, ...
    56 mins ago
  • New digital service to make business easy
    A new digital platform aims to make it easier for small businesses to access services from multiple government agencies, leaving them more time to focus on their own priorities. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Minister for Small Business Stuart Nash ...
    6 days ago
  • Million-dollar start to gun collection events
    Million-dollar start to gun collection events  Police Minister Stuart Nash says a solid start has been made to the gun buyback and amnesty after the first weekend of community collection events. “Gun owners will walk away with more than ...
    7 days ago
  • Praise after first firearms collection event
    Police Minister Stuart Nash has praised Police and gun owners after the first firearms collection event saw a busy turnout at Riccarton Racecourse in Christchurch. “Police officers and staff have put a tremendous effort into planning and logistics for the ...
    7 days ago
  • New Police constables deployed to regions
    Seventy-eight new Police constables are heading out to the regions following today’s graduation of a new recruit wing from the Royal New Zealand Police College. Police Minister Stuart Nash says the record high number of new Police officers being recruited, ...
    2 weeks ago