Press Release From the Labour Party
In a short statement outside the Beehive today Labour leader Phil Goff conceded the 2011 election to National.
“Colin Espiner has already called the election for National” said Goff. “When a truly neutral tory like Colin describes Labour’s ‘faint chance of winning the 2011 election’ as ‘buried in the rubble of the gluttony, greed, and wanton extravagance of its foolhardy MPs’ well then you know it’s game over”.
“Taking our lead from National’s behaviour in Canterbury, Labour has decided to spare everyone the cost and bother of a democratic election, and simply install a National regime by fiat”.
Pressed by reporters Goff further clarified. “Look, Colin’s right of course. The New Zealand public doesn’t care about GST, inflation and rising costs. They’re not worried about the continual attacks on education or plans for mining and privatisation. None of that matters any more. Shane Jones had a quick wank in his hotel, so we’re finished. The recent outbreak of frantic onanism in the media is entirely Labour’s fault. All those sprained wrists. Oh the humanity”.
“Actually, it’s a bit of relief” conceded Goff finally. “I’m looking forward to the time off. I think I’ll take up golf. Maybe go stay with my good friend Bill English in Dipton. I’ll see you all again in, say, 2013. Good luck New Zealand”.