web analytics

Make your own “Shearer Says”!

Written By: - Date published: 6:00 pm, November 3rd, 2012 - 49 comments
Categories: david shearer, labour, Satire - Tags:

Ever wanted to talk like the esteemed leader of New Zealand’s biggest leftwing party?  Of course you haven’t.  But I’m going to show you the secrets of his success anyway, because I think you’ll be surprised just how completely flaccid you can make yourself sound with just a few tiny tweaks to normal, innocent English.

This week I’ve been in [ insert location].  The people there are [hard-working/real] New Zealanders with a great sense of [fairness/justice/community/family].  But they’re [having a hard time/losing their jobs/worried] because of [insert recent National policy implementation].

This isn’t [good/just/fair/helpful].  This is [bad/stressful/unjust/unconstructive].  Labour will stand by the people of [insert location] and help them through the tough times ahead.

National was elected on a promise to [insert promise here].  Instead they’ve [insert policy here].  This isn’t [the way forward/the right thing for New Zealand/what they promised].  As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Labour knows that [jobs/children/the environment/the economy/the heartland/our communities] are important to New Zealanders.  Under National, [insert previous] is [suffering/in decline/living below the breadline/spiralling out of control/neglected] while they [insert policy implementation].  As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this [optional:  and will shortly be announcing our policy in this area].

Warm regards,
David Shearer
Leader of the Labour Party

For more staggering examples of punchy, convincing prose in action, I refer you to our reprints of Shearer’s weekly e-newsletter, sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99.  Tune in tomorrow to learn about the John Key approach to revealing when you’ve been coached on what to say!

H/T for the inspiration: Rhinocrates

49 comments on “Make your own “Shearer Says”! ”

  1. Colonial Viper 1

    Hey QoT I got a speech writers job for you at Bowen House.

  2. Chalupa Batman 2

    Ouch…

  3. Far too cruel QoT …

  4. Jimmie 4

    I used to be on a mailing list from the chairman of Fonterra who used to send out a fortnightly update of any major happening within the company:

    The emails were like this:

    Morning all,

    A bit of an update:

    – Global dairy auction up 3.5% this morning.

    – We are going to buy a dairy factory in Russia.

    – Milk flows over the last week have dropped due to the dry spell.

    – Congrats to Joe Smith for winning the Fonterra Environmental award.

    Thats all for now

    Regards
    Henry

    Short sharp and to the point – captured our interest for the 10 seconds required to pass on the information was very useful.
    Shearer should do something similar (If he has any short sharp points to make?)

  5. Jimmie 5

    Perhaps I could help Shearer by doing an example for him to follow:

    Morning fellow lefties:

    – Thought about some new policy this week – will announce sometime later.

    – Had a BBQ with the ABC’s on Monday – gotta keep my support eh?

    – Ripped into John Key during question time – He was overseas and Bill English struggled to fill his shoes.

    – Went to speech therapy on Wednesday – 5 year course.

    – Bought new shoes on Thursday – worn out from kicking Shane Jones’ bum too much.

    – Got a guitar song book on Friday – need to learn a new song as old one getting a bit stale.

    Must go – gotta get stuck into some Sickness benes

    Laters
    David Shearer
    (Next Prime Minister)

    Easily done – he could just change the dates week to week and no one would know the difference.

  6. just saying 6

    Come on QoT, you’ve managed to make Shearer sound far more decisive and eloquent than his newsletters do. Yet you’ve still kept his inimical style. You’re touting for a job on his PR team aren’t you?

    • QoT 6.1

      People keep saying that! I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff. And I’m not saying no to the idea of a cushy parliamentary role if all that’s involved is using basic English skills to make the left wing of NZ politics seem interesting and relevant …

      • David H 6.1.1

        I think I just have an unconquerable urge to fix pointlessly broken stuff.

        So do I lol, I fix the electronics on kiddies toys for fun.

  7. Barnsley Bill 7

    Flaccid sound bite BINGO. A Tory will monetize that and it will be in the stores by Xmas.

  8. Jim Nald 8

    “sure to be driving the voters to the polls in Election ’99”

    Oh ok, there should be lots of time.
    If anyone might be left in the Labour Party.
    And if he lives long enough.
    87 years some more.

    • prism 8.1

      Back to the future Labour Party. Where was the tipping point when if something had been done differently we would have been on an upward positive trend now?

      • Colonial Viper 8.1.1

        A full party rebellion during the 1987 term turfing out all the neolib MPs, combined with general strikes 1991/1992 forcing a major back down on the ECA.

        • McFlock 8.1.1.1

          and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

          Agree about the general strike though – CTU could have coordinated one.

          • Colonial Viper 8.1.1.1.1

            and how does a party rebellion “turf out” a sitting MP?

            Via a combination of constitutional and extra-constitutional political activities.

            • McFlock 8.1.1.1.1.1

              Well that’s not vague at all. /sarc
                   
              Come on, you sling shit at Shearer for vague nothings, how exactly does a political party remove a sitting electorate MP from parliament? 

              • Colonial Viper

                Dear McFlock, you’ve read the Labour Party constitution just as I have.

                • McFlock

                  No I haven’t as I’m not a member. 
                      
                  But is there a law that says an electorate MP must resign if they’re kicked out of the party? 
                     
                  Hmmm – did Anderton have to have a by-election when he formed NLP? Nope. 
                       
                  If ACT expelled Banks tomorrow, would there be a by-election? 

  9. Phil 9

    Whadayamean “left wing party”? Where? Who?
    Only thing left (gedit?) for the rest of us is to aspire to earn enough money to be able to care about the environment or landfill and join the Groans.
    Vote on the soft left (probably the softest in the world outside the US) totally split for the “Aspiro” class.
    Those with no assets but some deep rooted, possibly cultural, leanings. Labour or Nact.
    Those with a few assets but aspirations to grab more, Nact, Labour at a pinch (but don’t tell the neighbors.
    Those with assets enough not to worry bout food, housing, heat and clothes for the kids, Green.
    Left? I wish.

  10. Adrian 10

    You do realise that you sad never happy fuckers are doing Keys job for him don’t you.

    • Phil 10.1

      Nope, Shearer’s managing that, with the help of a Nact lite caucaus….Please!!!!!!!!!!

    • QoT 10.2

      I think you need to read the last paragraph again. Because I’d be much happier assuming you’re only semi-literate than in putting you down as the kind of person who’d rather let the boat sink than hint to the captain that he’s steering it into an iceberg. ‘Cause that’s silly.

    • Colonial Viper 10.3

      Time’s running out Adrian. The country has 15-20 years to get ready for some very tough times. A transition away from liquid fossil fuels, super power wrestling in the Pacific, a world with 9B people unable to feed itself, sovereign nations drowning under banker debt, irreversible resource depletion and an economic recession which will last another full decade.

      Will Labour do a better job under Shearer compared to a National Government? Of course.

      But there are 4,400 people on the Titanic at this time, as it starts going under. Captain National has no interest in saving more than the 900 of them who are in the first class cabins. If Captain Labour were in charge, an additional 900 or so souls with second class tickets may be rescued.

      Shall we cheer Captain Labour on for being the superior option? While everyone else stuck in 3rd class and steerage goes down with the ship?

      Or shall we determine that both options National and Labour as they stand, are absolutely unacceptable and we need more, far more.

      – edit: bizarrely, I started writing my comment before I read QoT’s

      • QoT 10.3.1

        It’s a bit terrifying how sometimes we violently disagree and then other times it’s like we’re sharing the same hivemind …

        • Colonial Viper 10.3.1.1

          Yeah I know, cue X-Files music. We ain’t landed together on these little islands for no reason or no purpose; that’s how I figure it anyway…

      • Lanthanide 10.3.2

        Wow, 15-20 years? Much more optimistic than me…

        • Colonial Viper 10.3.2.1

          I’m trying not to scare the horses. Uh, pollies. It’s why I’ve no more patience with Labour. Because none of us can any longer afford the time for them to sort it out like adults.

  11. R 11

    Achingly apt, aside from describing Labour as ‘leftwing’.

  12. Rhinocrates 13

    God (yes, I know it hates being called that), I just hope that there’ll never be a “Robertson Says”. Then I’ll know there’s no hope.

  13. PlanetOrphan 14

    This week I’ve been in Hell. The orphans there are hard-working, real New Zealanders with a great sense of fairness and community.
    But they’re not working hard enough because of recent cuts to working hours.

    This isn’t good or fair. This is unconstructive. Labour will stand by the orphans of Hell and help them through the tough times ahead.

    National was elected on a promise to work those orphans harder. Instead they’ve cut their working hours. This isn’t what they promised.
    As the Leader of the Labour Party, I will do something to fix this, orphans should be learning the job at least 12 hours a day before entering the workforce.

    Labour knows that orphans are important to New Zealanders. Under National, the orphans education is suffering and neglected while National try and reduce the cost of feeding them.
    As Leader of the Labour Party I’m committed to fixing this gross imbalance of Taxpayer resources.

    Wow that works ….. Thanx QoT, I feel special now!. 😈

    • QoT 14.1

      Now you too can lead the Labour Party!

      • PlanetOrphan 14.1.1

        Thankyou, can I have some gruel with that job ?
        Which union do they belong too ?
        I only have one arm left after the last “union fees roundup” …. but I’m a hard worker miss 😀

  14. Ad 15

    A great laugh on a Saturday night.

    Like the inverse of Sir Ian McKellan’s speech on how to change a car tyre.

    Clearly a New Zealand version of Yes Prime Minister is ready for a treatment!

  15. xtasy 16

    Excellent! At least a spark of mind coming to the surface here!

    I have been waiting for this.

    Create your own Shearer, yes, and there are still many REAL “shearers” out there up and down the country. Pick one, pick just a symbolic one, and write a good piece, just as it may tickle your fancy.

    This comes across much more appealing than the strange ones I saw and read on this blog over the last few months.

    I have discovered a real “shearer”, who says what he/she says, ha, ha!

    Just the other day, I came across a neighbour, and he/she said, there is this “bene” “sickness”, invalids”, unemployment”, DPB” and yet another beneficiary (bludger) PAINTING a roof! Now how can that be? And I am paying for it. My taxes, I pay, I sacrifice my work for NZ (and overseas corporates). I save hard, work 24/7, raise my kids, and we have “this”?

    What side are you on? I am a NatACT redneck, David, but what are you?

    Maybe Mt Albert is actually turning into more of an upper class, “blueish” electorate after all, so “Shearer” may just be trying to follow his prospective voters?

  16. Adele 17

    Tēnā koe, QoT

    I like this game…

    Shearer says:

    “I’m not that nice a guy. I know I do not have the experience, skills, or qualities to be a great leader of a leftish party. However, give me a break, I am still riddled with vanity and an ego.”

  17. ianmac 18

    So as an inspiring example go to John Key’s brilliant web page. Boy. Does that stir the cockles and explain the unfailing popularity that David cannot possibly match. Wow!
    http://www.johnkey.co.nz//archives/1546-Key-Notes-Building-a-more-productive-economy.html
    or here: http://www.national.org.nz/affordablehousing.aspx

  18. Red Rosa 19

    Brilliant, QOT.

    And since it is Sunday, I say unto you that

    Verily – vapid verbiage vexes voters…

    But rousing rhetoric rallies the righteous.

    Amen.

    • Colonial Viper 19.1

      Rousing rhetoric rallies righteous rebels, raising remittances, repairing resplendent ready ranks of Red!

      Ha! 😎

Links to post

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • NZ announces a third P-3 deployment in support of UN sanctions
    The Government has deployed a Royal New Zealand Air Force P-3K2 Orion (P-3) maritime patrol aircraft to support the implementation of United Nations Security Council (UNSC) resolutions imposing sanctions against North Korea, announced Minister of Foreign Affairs Winston Peters and Minister of Defence Ron Mark. “New Zealand has long supported ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Pacific trade and development agreement a reality
    Pacific regional trade and development agreement PACER Plus will enter into force in 60 days now that the required eight countries have ratified it. Trade and Export Growth Minister David Parker welcomed the announcement that the Cook Islands is the eighth nation to ratify this landmark agreement. “The agreement represents ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Securing a pipeline of teachers
    The Government is changing its approach to teacher recruitment as COVID-19 travel restrictions continue, by boosting a range of initiatives to get more Kiwis into teaching. “When we came into Government, we were faced with a teacher supply crisis,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “Over the past three years, we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Border exceptions for a small number of international students with visas
    The Government has established a new category that will allow 250 international PhD and postgraduate students to enter New Zealand and continue their studies, in the latest set of border exceptions. “The health, safety and wellbeing of people in New Zealand remains the Government’s top priority. Tight border restrictions remain ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • First COVID-19 vaccine purchase agreement signed
    The Government has signed an agreement to purchase 1.5 million COVID-19 vaccines – enough for 750,000 people – from Pfizer and BioNTech, subject to the vaccine successfully completing all clinical trials and passing regulatory approvals in New Zealand, say Research, Science and Innovation Minister Megan Woods and Health Minister Chris Hipkins. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • International statement – End-to-end encryption and public safety
    We, the undersigned, support strong encryption, which plays a crucial role in protecting personal data, privacy, intellectual property, trade secrets and cyber security.  It also serves a vital purpose in repressive states to protect journalists, human rights defenders and other vulnerable people, as stated in the 2017 resolution of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Ministry of Defence Biodefence Assessment released
    The Ministry of Defence has today released a Defence Assessment examining Defence’s role across the spectrum of biological hazards and threats facing New Zealand. Biodefence: Preparing for a New Era of Biological Hazards and Threats looks at how the NZDF supports other agencies’ biodefence activities, and considers the context of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020
    New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020 Hon David Parker’s response following Thomas Piketty and Esther Duflo. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, wherever in the world you might be. I first acknowledge the excellent thought provoking speeches of Thomas Piketty and Esther ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Kaipara Moana restoration takes next step
    A Memorandum of Understanding has been signed today at Waihāua Marae between the Crown, local iwi and councils to protect, restore and enhance the mauri of Kaipara Moana in Northland. Environment Minister David Parker signed the document on behalf of the Crown along with representatives from Ngā Maunga Whakahī, Ngāti ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Zealand and Uruguay unite on reducing livestock production emissions
    Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor and Uruguayan Minister of Livestock, Agriculture and Fisheries Carlos María Uriarte have welcomed the launch of a three-year project that will underpin sustainable livestock production in Uruguay, Argentina, and Costa Rica.  The project called ‘Innovation for pasture management’ is led by Uruguay’s National Institute of Agricultural ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • 3100 jobs created through marae upgrades
    Hundreds of marae throughout the country will be upgraded through investments from the Provincial Growth Fund’s refocused post COVID-19 funding to create jobs and put money into the pockets of local tradespeople and businesses, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta have announced. “A total ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Health volunteers recognised in annual awards
    Health Minister Chris Hipkins has announced 9 teams and 14 individuals are the recipients of this year’s Minister of Health Volunteer Awards.  “The health volunteer awards celebrate and recognise the thousands of dedicated health sector volunteers who give many hours of their time to help other New Zealanders,” Mr Hipkins ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community COVID-19 Fund supports Pacific recovery
    The Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio says a total of 264 groups and individuals have successfully applied for the Pacific Aotearoa Community COVID-19 Recovery Fund, that will support Pacific communities drive their own COVID-19 recovery strategies, initiatives, and actions. “I am keen to see this Fund support Pacific ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community benefits from Māori apprenticeships
    Up to 50 Māori apprentices in Wellington will receive paid training to build houses for their local communities, thanks to a $2.75 million investment from the Māori Trades and Training Fund, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Ngāti Toa Rangatira Incorporated to provide its Ngā Kaimahi ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Training fund supports Māori jobseekers
    Rapidly growing sectors will benefit from a $990,000 Māori Trades and Training Fund investment which will see Wellington jobseekers supported into work, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Sapphire Consultants Ltd. to help up to 45 Māori jobseekers into paid training initiatives over two years through ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ruakura Inland Port development vital infrastructure for Waikato
    The Government is investing $40 million to develop an inland port at Ruakura which will become a freight super-hub and a future business, research and residential development for the Waikato, Urban Development and Transport Minister Phil Twyford, and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta announced today. The funding has been has ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Appointments made to Defence Expert Review Group
    Defence Minister Ron Mark announced today the establishment of an Expert Review Group to review a number of aspects of the New Zealand Defence Force’s (NZDF) structure, information management and record-keeping processes.  The Expert Review Group’s work arises out of the first recommendation from the Report of the Government’s Inquiry ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • No active community cases of COVID-19
    There are no active community cases of COVID-19 remaining in the country after the last people from the recent outbreak have recovered from the virus, Health Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “This is a big milestone. New Zealanders have once again through their collective actions squashed the virus. The systems ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Clean energy upgrade for more public buildings
    More public buildings will be supported by the Government to upgrade to run on clean energy, the Minister for Climate Change James Shaw announced today. Minister Shaw announced that Lincoln and Auckland universities will receive support through the Clean-Powered Public Service Fund to replace fossil fuel boilers. Southern, Taranaki, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Schools back donations scheme for the second year
    More schools have opted in to the donations scheme for 2021, compared to 2020 when the scheme was introduced. “The families of more than 447,000 students will be better off next year, with 94% of eligible schools and kura opting into the scheme,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “This is ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ruapehu cycle trails gets PGF boost
    The spectacular Mountains to Sea cycle trail in Ruapehu District will receive $4.6 million in funding from the Provincial Growth Fund for two additional trails, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones announced today. “This is an exciting development for the local community, and one that will provide significant economic opportunities ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago