Freshly returned from attending the launch of a feasibility study into building 27.5m of cycleway in Winton that is expected to create 100,000 jobs, Prime Minister John Key has announced a new plan to close the gap with Australia.
“As you may remember, last year an earthquake in Fiordland moved New Zealand 30cm closer to Australia. My government’s bold new plan involves inducing a series of similar earthquakes.”
“That earthquake was 7.8 on the Richter scale, or 7.5 mega-tonnes. That’s a bit less than your typical fusion bomb”
“Now, some of my old mates from my days in London are doing the PR work the dictators in some ex-Soviet states. they’re short on cash but they’re sitting on a bunch of aging nukes they’ve got no use for. I reckon we could take them off their hands for a knock-down price.”
“In fact, I should be able to trade a couple of kiwi for a pair of H-bombs, just like those pandas I got us.”
“All we need to do is get together about 2 million of these babies and set them off in the right order and, before you know it, you’ll be able to take a commuter ferry from Auckland to Sydney!”
Asked if he could supply any official advice or modeling to back up his plan, Key said “sure thing, um. Now, I had it somewhere. Um. Anyone seen a Hilton Waikiki napkin with some doodles on it? Ah, don’t worry. Just trust me, guys!”
With a manic grin, Key pointed out the intended locations for his induced earthquakes. “If we plant them On East Cape, Taranaki, Cape Palliser, the Coromandel, and Banks Peninsula, not only will we close the gap with Australia, we’ll make New Zealand a smoother shape, thereby taking the sharpest edges off the country.”