web analytics

Massive series of blasts to close gap with Australia

Written By: - Date published: 1:08 pm, August 19th, 2010 - 5 comments
Categories: john key, Satire - Tags:

Freshly returned from attending the launch of a feasibility study into building 27.5m of cycleway in Winton that is expected to create 100,000 jobs, Prime Minister John Key has announced a new plan to close the gap with Australia.

“As you may remember, last year an earthquake in Fiordland moved New Zealand 30cm closer to Australia. My government’s bold new plan involves inducing a series of similar earthquakes.”

“That earthquake was 7.8 on the Richter scale, or 7.5 mega-tonnes. That’s a bit less than your typical fusion bomb”

“Now, some of my old mates from my days in London are doing the PR work the dictators in some ex-Soviet states. they’re short on cash but they’re sitting on a bunch of aging nukes they’ve got no use for. I reckon we could take them off their hands for a knock-down price.”

“In fact, I should be able to trade a couple of kiwi for a pair of H-bombs, just like those pandas I got us.”

“All we need to do is get together about 2 million of these babies and set them off in the right order and, before you know it, you’ll be able to take a commuter ferry from Auckland to Sydney!”

Asked if he could supply any official advice or modeling to back up his plan, Key said “sure thing, um. Now, I had it somewhere. Um. Anyone seen a Hilton Waikiki napkin with some doodles on it? Ah, don’t worry. Just trust me, guys!”

With a manic grin, Key pointed out the intended locations for his induced earthquakes. “If we plant them On East Cape, Taranaki, Cape Palliser, the Coromandel, and Banks Peninsula, not only will we close the gap with Australia, we’ll make New Zealand a smoother shape, thereby taking the sharpest edges off the country.”

5 comments on “Massive series of blasts to close gap with Australia ”

  1. Blighty 1

    hilarious, old bean.

    But the real joke is on us with sleepy john in charge.

  2. Olwyn 2

    Brilliant! Nothing more to say.

  3. Bored 3

    Beats filling in the ditch with mine tailings from our National Parks….

  4. bbfloyd 4

    there is, of course, another benefit that john was saving for a later announcement. the number of jobs created building fallout shelters for the wealthy.
    that should take care of any unemployed survivers.

Links to post

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Government's response to preliminary referendums' results
    Minister of Justice Andrew Little has acknowledged the provisional results of the two referendums voted on in the 2020 General Election. New Zealanders were asked whether they supported the proposed Cannabis Legalisation and Control Bill, and whether they supported the End of Life Choice Act 2019 coming into force. On ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    19 hours ago
  • New testing requirements for international maritime crew arriving in NZ
    The Government is moving to provide further protection against the chance of COVID-19 entering New Zealand through the maritime border.  “Yesterday I instructed officials to consult with the maritime sector around tightening of the requirements for international maritime crew entering the country,” Health Minister Chris Hipkins said.  “Ultimately, this will ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    21 hours ago
  • Fast-tracked Northland water project will accelerate economic recovery
    The Government has welcomed the decision to approve a new water storage reservoir in Northland, the first of a number of infrastructure projects earmarked for a speedy consenting process that aims to accelerate New Zealand’s economic recovery from Covid-19.  The Matawii Water Storage Reservoir will provide drinking water for Kaikohe, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Tokelau Language Week reminds us to stay united and strong
    Staying strong in the face of challenges and being true to our heritage and languages are key to preserving our cultural identity and wellbeing, is the focus of the 2020 Tokelau Language Week. Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio, says this year’s theme, ‘Apoapo tau foe, i nā tāfea ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • NZ announces a third P-3 deployment in support of UN sanctions
    The Government has deployed a Royal New Zealand Air Force P-3K2 Orion (P-3) maritime patrol aircraft to support the implementation of United Nations Security Council (UNSC) resolutions imposing sanctions against North Korea, announced Minister of Foreign Affairs Winston Peters and Minister of Defence Ron Mark. “New Zealand has long supported ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Pacific trade and development agreement a reality
    Pacific regional trade and development agreement PACER Plus will enter into force in 60 days now that the required eight countries have ratified it. Trade and Export Growth Minister David Parker welcomed the announcement that the Cook Islands is the eighth nation to ratify this landmark agreement. “The agreement represents ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Securing a pipeline of teachers
    The Government is changing its approach to teacher recruitment as COVID-19 travel restrictions continue, by boosting a range of initiatives to get more Kiwis into teaching. “When we came into Government, we were faced with a teacher supply crisis,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “Over the past three years, we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Border exceptions for a small number of international students with visas
    The Government has established a new category that will allow 250 international PhD and postgraduate students to enter New Zealand and continue their studies, in the latest set of border exceptions. “The health, safety and wellbeing of people in New Zealand remains the Government’s top priority. Tight border restrictions remain ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • First COVID-19 vaccine purchase agreement signed
    The Government has signed an agreement to purchase 1.5 million COVID-19 vaccines – enough for 750,000 people – from Pfizer and BioNTech, subject to the vaccine successfully completing all clinical trials and passing regulatory approvals in New Zealand, say Research, Science and Innovation Minister Megan Woods and Health Minister Chris Hipkins. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • International statement – End-to-end encryption and public safety
    We, the undersigned, support strong encryption, which plays a crucial role in protecting personal data, privacy, intellectual property, trade secrets and cyber security.  It also serves a vital purpose in repressive states to protect journalists, human rights defenders and other vulnerable people, as stated in the 2017 resolution of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Ministry of Defence Biodefence Assessment released
    The Ministry of Defence has today released a Defence Assessment examining Defence’s role across the spectrum of biological hazards and threats facing New Zealand. Biodefence: Preparing for a New Era of Biological Hazards and Threats looks at how the NZDF supports other agencies’ biodefence activities, and considers the context of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago