National’s Economic Plan Found

Written By: - Date published: 2:38 pm, August 7th, 2010 - 9 comments
Categories: bill english, national/act government, same old national, Satire - Tags:

After half a government term of insisting they had an economic plan, Finance Minister Bill English and Minister for Economic Development Gerry Brownlee, have been unwilling to answer direct questions in the House regarding the details of the plan.

It now appears that they were not only unwilling to detail the plan but have been unable to so due to the plan having been ‘misplaced’.

The full plan, said by informed sources to have been found in a brief case (along with a pie and a men’s magazine) and written on the back of an old rental expenses claim form, reveals that the government expects significant economic development will be lead by the construction of a single national transport infrastructure, namely a National Cycleway.

The plan noted that the idea of a Cycleway provided a number of benefits such as New Zealanders will be able to retain ownership of all the land that comprises the National Cycleway as this will be designated by the Overseas Investment Commission as being in the national interest thus distracting people from the sale of the rest of New Zealand; the cycleway will channel tourists away from unsightly aspects of New Zealand like the rising number of unemployed in suburban ghettos, dairy polluted rivers, the large number of prisons and away from the homes of the asset rich; the cycleway, while appearing to be novel and innovative will not require any actual intellectual energy or imagination; it will give the appearance of action and decisiveness in the face of a recession and the absence of any real solutions to New Zealand’s economic woes.

The plan reveals that the cycleway will terminate with a viewing platform from which both New Zealanders and tourists alike will be able to view the growing World Heritage Trans-Tasman Wage Gap.

The numbers found at the bottom of the plan, which were first thought to have been cost projections, have now been found to be the phone number to an escort agency in Vivian St. (a regular haunt of politicians who wanted to ‘poll(sic) their constituency’.

William Joyce

9 comments on “National’s Economic Plan Found”

  1. Akldnut 1

    Found in a briefcase? More likely an empty lolly packet!

    Capcha RINGS lol – a Burger Rings packet

  2. toad 2

    …have now been found to be the phone number to an escort agency in Vivian St.

    Is that the same one Richard Worth was found in when he was meant to have been at a meeting at Parliament?

  3. Craig Glen Eden 3

    This would all be funny if it wasn’t true sadly its so close to the truth it leaves me cold.

    Key was their plan and thats what we have got, nothing!

  4. Rex Widerstrom 4

    Ah the meat pie, porno mag and state secrets scandal.

    Those were the days. And it didn’t even get a gate suffixed to it.

    Afterthought: Perhaps Bill Sutch should just have brought along a pie.

    And commisserations to anyone old enough to have the slightest clue about what I’m going on about.

    • William Joyce 4.1

      You need to fire-up your disability scooter – the dancing cossacks are coming!

      • bbfloyd 4.1.1

        w j… you need to get away from the full length mirror you practice in front of. it’s not nice

        • William Joyce

          auww, getting lonely in your mother’s basement?
          “w j you need to get away from the full length mirror you practice in front of. it’s not nice”
          Could you be any more obscure?

  5. satty 5

    Interesting to see the photoshopped viewing platform being one into one of the most isolated and poorest counties on earth (not for the ruling class, of course)*. The view there is from the poor to the unfortunate. So in theory this platform should be on the Australian coast.

    New Zealand has so much potential and it’s a shame the government and companies are completely unable or unwilling to employ it; they probably deliberately exploit it. I had to work the last year in Oz, because no suitable job was available for a halfway reasonable salary.
    It was sad to see the all those highly qualified people waiting at Melbourne Airport to get back home on Friday afternoon for the weekend.

    The only way NZ raises internationally and specially compared to Australia is that people are paid what they are worth!

    * I’ve been there: It’s in Dandong, China, looking towards North Korea.

  6. George Darroch 6

    Actually, NZ and Australia are moving closer. By about 70mm per year. We’ll get there, eventually.

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