After half a government term of insisting they had an economic plan, Finance Minister Bill English and Minister for Economic Development Gerry Brownlee, have been unwilling to answer direct questions in the House regarding the details of the plan.
It now appears that they were not only unwilling to detail the plan but have been unable to so due to the plan having been ‘misplaced’.
The full plan, said by informed sources to have been found in a brief case (along with a pie and a men’s magazine) and written on the back of an old rental expenses claim form, reveals that the government expects significant economic development will be lead by the construction of a single national transport infrastructure, namely a National Cycleway.
The plan noted that the idea of a Cycleway provided a number of benefits such as New Zealanders will be able to retain ownership of all the land that comprises the National Cycleway as this will be designated by the Overseas Investment Commission as being in the national interest thus distracting people from the sale of the rest of New Zealand; the cycleway will channel tourists away from unsightly aspects of New Zealand like the rising number of unemployed in suburban ghettos, dairy polluted rivers, the large number of prisons and away from the homes of the asset rich; the cycleway, while appearing to be novel and innovative will not require any actual intellectual energy or imagination; it will give the appearance of action and decisiveness in the face of a recession and the absence of any real solutions to New Zealand’s economic woes.
The plan reveals that the cycleway will terminate with a viewing platform from which both New Zealanders and tourists alike will be able to view the growing World Heritage Trans-Tasman Wage Gap.
The numbers found at the bottom of the plan, which were first thought to have been cost projections, have now been found to be the phone number to an escort agency in Vivian St. (a regular haunt of politicians who wanted to ‘poll(sic) their constituency’.