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PM punts for growth

Written By: - Date published: 11:39 am, July 15th, 2010 - 15 comments
Categories: cycleway, Economy, Satire - Tags:

Press release

New Zealand Government

Prime Minister John Key today conceded that growth remains too weak, unemployment is too high, and that it is unacceptable that workers’ wages are going backwards when he promised they would match Australia’s in just 15 years. Speaking to a rapturous crowd of schoolchildren and journalists, Key announced a bold new economic agenda.”

“I will admit that we have disappointed you to date.” said Key “We have tinkered with the RMA for no discernible improvement to growth. We have tinkered with the tax system, which gave me a nice tax cut but has had no effect on growth. And my government must face the fact that mining on schedule 4 land is not an economic panacea. Rather, it is a gift of our natural endowments to foreign companies for very little in return.”

“That’s why I am returning to my most successful economic policy to date and repeating the concept on a much grander scale.”

“As you all know, the John Key Memorial Cycleway has been an astounding success. As promised, it has delivered 4000 jobs in the process of creating a cycle path from Cape Reinga to the Bluff, all for a cost of just $50 million. It is a modern marvel, how we managed to undertake this project so rapidly and, with it, improvement employment up and down this country.”

“As predicted the national cycleway’s economic benefits are a simple up-scaling of the Otago Rail Trail. The Rail Trail takes 10,000 people a year, bringing in $20 million. The John Key Memorial Cycleway is attracting 200,000 tourists a year, spending $400 million. When the first Sir Edmund Hillary Explorator race along the cycleway takes place next year, it will really put this country on the map.”

“Always copy a good idea, they say. So, I am proud today to announce the Sir Peter Blake National Puntway. As you know, the most exciting thing to do in all of Christchurch is a guided punt on the Avon. Some 5,000 people a year spend $30 for the basic punt or $99 for the deluxe version. Counting all the food and accommodation spending by tourists attracted to Christchurch by the punting, I estimate it is a $40 million a year industry employing 1000 people – for a kilometre of punting!”

“Now imagine a puntway the length of the country. Through majestic Fiordland. Between the towering Alps. Through the vineyards of Malborough and Wairarapa. An exciting passage through the Manawatu Gorge. Up the iconic Desert Highway. A break at Lake Taupo before heading to Auckland via the Waikato via and then amongst the Kauris of the far North.”

“With exciting recent developments in digging technology and low-cost locks from China, I believe we can build the national puntway in less than 9 months, employing 100,000 people for a total cost of just $6.50. Based on the Avon puntway, I expect that 15 million people a year will ride the national puntway, bringing in $120 billion a year and employing 3 million people.”

“This my friends is the future of our country – the Sir Peter Blake National Puntway!”

“Before you ask, no I haven’t asked for any official advice on these numbers, just like I didn’t on the cycleway. You’ve just got to believe guys. Blind faith in outrageously unjustified benefits from novelty projects – that’s this country’s economic plan. And I’m the man to deliver it.”

“I know nothing else I have done has come close to fulfilling my promises but this is different. I promise. Anyone who has even the slightest criticism of this plan is defeatist, unambitious for New Zealand and a total asshole who makes me cry”

15 comments on “PM punts for growth”

  1. michaeljsavage 1

    NZI business news this morning was interesting – upshot is we arent out of the recession as trumpetted several times so far over the last 8 – 9 months – and it was mooted by economists that it is worse than the post 87 Sharemarket crash – because it is wider spread in its effects etc etc

    Most average Kiwis could have told them that. Worse – horror of horrors – the funeral directors industry is reporting the largest number of unpaid bills on record (so now we cant afford to die) … and people are trying to do as much of the funeral preps as they can without paying the undertaker??

    Also – and this is interesting – Accountants and Lawyers are also hurting it is reported – the commentator stated that this more than likely admitted that their clients werent doing so well either (as they are both bottom feeders).

    Hopefully this comment is not too ersatz witty or unique in nature. I am trying to morph into a good standard contributor.

    Its not working for me though…

    New Zealand – you are in trouble and the wolf is at the door.

  2. tc 2

    Problem is MJS (whatever happened to the other one?) the wolves are running the country

  3. michaeljsavage 3

    TC – he is mickeysavage – seems to be a nice guy and im the one inadvertantly giving the poor fellow bad press. I will have to apologise when hes next online.

    You are right – the wolves are running the country…

  4. tc 4

    Yes and complete with Sheeps clothing supplied by the MSM

  5. Zaphod Beeblebrox 5

    Kinda obvious that we will be sucked into a deflationary, low growth cycle. Sucking government investment out of the economy when private enterprise is not investing does that.

    The UK government may want to take note.

    It won’t help our debt situation either low growth and profits means private debt won’t be paid off anytime soon.

  6. Bored 6

    OK, I will do without the JKM Cycleway…..nice idea but hey, punting around NZ, flat if slightly wet surfaces, goodo. But no, repeat no opening of the JKM “Puntway” by lycra clad ministers such as Crusher and Miner pretending to be nautical for photo opportunities. Sea sickness is one thing, visually tempting regurgitation is another thing altogether.

  7. ianmac 7

    As a member of the Flat Earth Society, I would like to defend our fellow member and Patron John Key. As part of the flat earth the National Puntway is an excellent idea. It confirms the fact that we live in a mountainless hill-less brainless innovative society.

  8. Ah you have given me my laugh for today,

    but seriously, John Key does not want NZ to do well, it will increase inflation.
    Keep as many people unemployed and don’t pay them anything for as long as possible, then no one has any money to spend.

    Welcome to the new NZ. If you are not with us you are against us so deserve your future.

    You are left with money traders who make money out of money, do nothing for the economy but boy, do they love their bank balance.

    John Key expects you to beleive he has given his Millions away to someone else to play with so he does not know how much his money is making for him, as it might become a conflict of interest.

    Yea Right!

  9. If Fran O’Sullivan is any indicator, the worm is starting to turn.
    She is giving every indication of starting to become pissed with Smile & Waves lack of long term vision.

  10. BLiP 10

    I understand this announcement from John Key is the first in a blizzard of good news and great ideas.

    Next will be the formal dedication of the first launch pad of the Jean Batten Corridor Of Balloonists, a scenic pathway running the length of the country and made all the more possible by the fact that it doesn’t require the infrastructure of the Puntway but just a series of depots. International tourists will flock from all corners of the globe and throw handfuls of money out the basket as they merrily make their way from Onetahua to Half Moon Bay.

  11. big bruv 11

    Woo hoo!

    According to TVNZ the 90 day trial period is about to be rolled out right across all businesses, it seems that it has been such a great success that the government wants to help more people into work via the trial period.

    TVNZ also announced that National plan to give employers the right to ban unions from their business, again this move is to be applauded by the government.

    • ianmac 11.1

      BB:”TVNZ also announced that National plan to give employers the right to ban unions from their business, again this move is to be applauded by the government.”

      Yep. Wells said. The Government is good at applauding their own duplicity.

    • loota 11.2

      I’m glad you think that your kids, friends and relatives are that expendable big bruv.

      Its ironic in a way, National’s ‘best’ ideas for ‘growing’ employment includes making it easier to fire people. They must think we’re stupid.

      This is employment for the serfs.

  12. michaeljsavage 12

    Welcome to the new dark ages. We must all now grow a forelock so we can tug it when the aristocrats and their merchant class shylocks trundle past us … “thaank u my loord … thaaank u for the chaaance to seeerve u my looord…”

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