web analytics

PPE from a Universe Far, Far Away

Written By: - Date published: 2:33 pm, August 22nd, 2020 - 11 comments
Categories: humour - Tags:

The Resistance Coalition Government has failed miserably and is falling to pieces and the Empire is taking advantage of the shambolic situation and is striking back. Princess Jacinda is under threat and Ashley Skywalker is fighting off attempts to make him appear before the Eye-Browed Empress for a certain execution by forced citation of the Empire’s Border Policy.

While the Covid Death Star is growing in orbit, the five million inhabitants of Planet Aotearoa are wondering what they can do to fight the 19th wave of the Sneaky Menace.

QR codes are one weapon but seem to have had limited uptake and impact so far. Another weapon under development is the CovidCard. However, this may not be the silver bullet either because Aoteareons have an intense distrust of plastic cards that fit within wallets.

Contact tracing is touted as one of the most effective ways to smoke out any infiltrations of the Menace.

Of course, there are the masks and other PPE. Unfortunately, not all PPE is equal and a mask is no protection against carefully hidden lift buttons that can jump out at any time and hit you between the eyes. Only full PPE can do the Jedi trick of keeping out the Menace.

The smart-thinking entrepreneur Darth Vader has developed a new product that he is trying to sell to the Aotearoan Government for mass production. It is pitched with help from a shady sect hailing from the Planet Palantir.

The shiny anti-static and dust-repelling metal jacket helmet comes with tinfoil mesh on the inside to block ionising 5G radiation. The special goggles can scan QR codes and Bluetooth devices and the VR Vizier has a direct link to the Resistance Channel for Live Updates, Tweets, and Facebook messages from the Princess. The audio system has an automatic off-switch when talkback radio waves and/or Magic interference try to hijack it. The helmet is fully integrated with a mask (patent pending) that comprises a clinical-grade filter, specially designed for smoky areas, and has an in-built ultraviolet light source to kill Menace particles as well as a hydrogen peroxide nebuliser to fumigate with sterilising disinfectant – a safe distance of 2 meters is highly recommend. The bulletproof Kevlar pressure suit is air-locked to the headgear and is complemented with an industrial heavy-duty robe made with Aotearoan fleece that repels virus particles by creating eccentric air turbulence when walking – running is not recommended as this might create up-lift and hot air. Military-style boots with easy peel-off Velcro straps and Neoprene gloves ensure protection of the extremities.

An optional add-on is the Lightsaber, which can be used, after some training from a licensed Master, to vaporise instantly any attacking Menace particles. The Standard model has green light with a pleasant warm hue of infrared radiation superimposed; the DeLuxe model has a high-powered Tri-Lithium battery to power an extra ultraviolet light source that gives a bright blue glow, which is ideal during power cuts but bad for melatonin levels.

It is highly recommended that all Aotearoans develop their latent Jedi mind skills to defend themselves against this threat. A collective mind-set is imperative.

May the Force be with you.

11 comments on “PPE from a Universe Far, Far Away ”

  1. Draco T Bastard 1

    the VR Vizier has a direct link to the Resistance Channel for Live Updates

    I was going to pull you up for using the wrong word there but having a Virtual Reality Advisor directly linked to the Resistance Channel makes sense. After all, the Resistance needs all the help it can get and, in their case, virtual help is better than real help as it's cheaper and it really only needs to parrot what Darth Judious tells it to….

    Oh, wait…

    I'm confused.

    Who's the Empire, who's the resistance and what the hell did you do with the republic?

  2. weka 2

    #NZHellhole

  3. I love the "automatic off switch", mine goes into gear when any Gormless person gets on the airwaves. Shared this with my mate.. he laughed out loud, said "Someone should draw that outfit!!!" Thanks for a good laugh Incognito.

  4. RedBaronCV 4

    Is there an update channel 4 where I can go to carjack the millenium falcon?? Wheels 4 the emergency.

  5. Fireblade 5

    Stormtrooper Collins in 2015.

  6. Adrian Thornton 6

    Of course I agree with you in regards to the relentless BS and crazy conspiracy theories that presently run amok, however in some sense there is also chicken coming home to roost I feel, MSM have been relentlessly pushing the Russia gate for four years, which although still has no actual substantive evidence was mentioned constantly at the DNC convention….so where is the line between state propaganda and conspiracy theory?…and what is worse?….

    RAY McGOVERN: Catapulting Russian-Meddling Propaganda

    " Mazzetti is telling his readers, soto voce: regarding that interference four years ago, and the “continued-unabated” part, you just have to trust us and our intelligence community sources who would never lie to you. And if, nevertheless, you persist in asking for actual evidence, you are clearly in Putin’s pocket. "

    https://consortiumnews.com/2020/08/21/ray-mcgovern-catapulting-russian-meddling-propaganda/

    • Tricledrown 6.1

      Adrian Thornton your compulsive addiction to ignoring the facts.Then going ballistic at anyone who disagrees with your Silo thinking is becoming a bore.

      This week more information has hit the news about Trumps collusion,Manaforts ,Donald Junior etc deep ties with Russian spies,the number of Trump close aides imprisoned for lying about connections to Russian interference .

      An Avalanche of evidence all pointing to Trump and his corrupt cronies.

      You are channelling Trump by trying to shift the blame and deny any wrong doing.

      An Avalanche with more facing corruption

  7. RedLogix 7

    Social media algorithms actively select for what you have already shown interest in; thereby driving positive feedback loops of confirmation bias.

    Which drives humans crazy.

    • McFlock 7.1

      Content is annoying enough, but the advertising takes the cake. Why yes, I just spent hundreds of dollars on a new washing machine, of course I must want to see more washing machine ads. I obviously buy one every day.

  8. Enough Star Wars already! If all the energy that goes into devising and inhabiting fictional universes were instead put into reforming our actual geopolitical, societal and environmental structures, this world would be improved a heckuva lot sooner.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Further legislation introduced to support cyclone recovery
    The Government has introduced the Severe Weather Emergency Recovery Legislation Bill to further support the recovery and rebuild from the recent severe weather events in the North Island. “We know from our experiences following the Canterbury and Kaikōura earthquakes that it will take some time before we completely understand the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    9 hours ago
  • Duty relief for cyclone-affected businesses
    Further assistance is now available to businesses impacted by Cyclone Gabrielle, with Customs able to offer payment plans and to remit late-payments, Customs Minister Meka Whaitiri has announced. “This is part of the Government’s ongoing commitment to assist economic recovery in the regions,” Meka Whaitiri said. “Cabinet has approved the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    10 hours ago
  • Thousands of sole parents to be better off after child support changes
    More than 41,000 sole parent families will be better off with a median gain of $20 a week Law change estimated to help lift up to 14,000 children out of poverty Child support payments will be passed on directly to people receiving a sole parent rate of main benefit, making ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    11 hours ago
  • Green investment fund delivers on climate action
    A major investment by Government-owned New Zealand Green Investment Finance towards electrifying the public bus fleet is being welcomed by Climate Change Minister James Shaw. “Today’s announcement that NZGIF has signed a $50 million financing deal with Kinetic, the biggest bus operator in Australasia, to further decarbonise public transport is ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    12 hours ago
  • Tax credit boosts cash flow for Kiwi innovators
    A world-leading payments system is expected to provide a significant cash flow boost for Kiwi innovators, Minister of Research, Science, and Innovation Ayesha Verrall says. Announcing that applications for ‘in-year’ payments of the Research and Development Tax Incentive (RDTI) were open, Ayesha Verrall said it represented a win for businesses ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    12 hours ago
  • Te Awa shared path completed
    Minister of Transport Michael Wood joined crowds of keen cyclists and walkers this morning to celebrate the completion of the Te Awa shared path in Hamilton. “The Government is upgrading New Zealand’s transport system to make it safer, greener, and more efficient for now and future generations to come,” Michael ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Crown apology to Ngāti Kahungunu ki Wairarapa Tāmaki nui-a-Rua
    Treaty of Waitangi Negotiations Minister Andrew Little has delivered the Crown apology to Ngāti Kahungunu ki Wairarapa Tāmaki nui-a-Rua for its historic breaches of Te Tiriti of Waitangi today. The ceremony was held at Queen Elizabeth Park in Masterton, hosted by Ngāti Kahungunu ki Wairarapa Tāmaki nui-a-Rua, with several hundred ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs meets with Chinese counterpart
    Minister of Foreign Affairs Nanaia Mahuta has concluded her visit to China, the first by a New Zealand Foreign Minister since 2018. The Minister met her counterpart, newly appointed State Councilor and Minister of Foreign Affairs, Qin Gang, who also hosted a working dinner. This was the first engagement between the two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Government delivering world-class satellite positioning services
    World-class satellite positioning services that will support much safer search and rescue, boost precision farming, and help safety on construction sites through greater accuracy are a significant step closer today, says Land Information Minister Damien O’Connor. Damien O’Connor marked the start of construction on New Zealand’s first uplink centre for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • District Court Judges appointed
    Attorney-General David Parker has announced the appointment of Christopher John Dellabarca of Wellington, Dr Katie Jane Elkin of Wellington, Caroline Mary Hickman of Napier, Ngaroma Tahana of Rotorua, Tania Rose Williams Blyth of Hamilton and Nicola Jan Wills of Wellington as District Court Judges.  Chris Dellabarca Mr Dellabarca commenced his ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • New project set to supercharge ocean economy in Nelson Tasman
    A new Government-backed project will help ocean-related businesses in the Nelson Tasman region to accelerate their growth and boost jobs. “The Nelson Tasman region is home to more than 400 blue economy businesses, accounting for more than 30 percent of New Zealand’s economic activity in fishing, aquaculture, and seafood processing,” ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • National’s education policy: where’s the funding?
    After three years of COVID-19 disruptions schools are finally settling down and National want to throw that all in the air with major disruption to learning and underinvestment.  “National’s education policy lacks the very thing teachers, parents and students need after a tough couple of years, certainty and stability,” Education ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Free programme to help older entrepreneurs and inventors
    People aged over 50 with innovative business ideas will now be able to receive support to advance their ideas to the next stage of development, Minister for Seniors Ginny Andersen said today. “Seniors have some great entrepreneurial ideas, and this programme will give them the support to take that next ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Government target increased to keep powering up the Māori economy
    A cross government target for relevant government procurement contracts for goods and services to be awarded to Māori businesses annually will increase to 8%, after the initial 5% target was exceeded. The progressive procurement policy was introduced in 2020 to increase supplier diversity, starting with Māori businesses, for the estimated ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Continued progress on reducing poverty in challenging times
    77,000 fewer children living in low income households on the after-housing-costs primary measure since Labour took office Eight of the nine child poverty measures have seen a statistically significant reduction since 2018. All nine have reduced 28,700 fewer children experiencing material hardship since 2018 Measures taken by the Government during ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Speech at Fiji Investment and Trade Business Forum
    Deputy Prime Minister Kamikamica; distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen. Tēnā koutou katoa, ni sa bula vinaka saka, namaste. Deputy Prime Minister, a very warm welcome to Aotearoa. I trust you have been enjoying your time here and thank you for joining us here today. To all delegates who have travelled to be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Government investments boost and diversify local economies in lower South Island
    $2.9 million convertible loan for Scapegrace Distillery to meet growing national and international demand $4.5m underwrite to support Silverlight Studios’ project to establish a film studio in Wanaka Gore’s James Cumming Community Centre and Library to be official opened tomorrow with support of $3m from the COVID-19 Response and Recovery ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Government future-proofs EV charging
    Transport Minister Michael Wood has today launched the first national EV (electric vehicle) charging strategy, Charging Our Future, which includes plans to provide EV charging stations in almost every town in New Zealand. “Our vision is for Aotearoa New Zealand to have world-class EV charging infrastructure that is accessible, affordable, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • World-leading family harm prevention campaign supports young NZers
    Associate Minister for Social Development and Employment Priyanca Radhakrishnan has today launched the Love Better campaign in a world-leading approach to family harm prevention. Love Better will initially support young people through their experience of break-ups, developing positive and life-long attitudes to dealing with hurt. “Over 1,200 young kiwis told ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • First Chief Clinical Advisor welcomed into Coroners Court
    Hon Rino Tirikatene, Minister for Courts, welcomes the Ministry of Justice’s appointment of Dr Garry Clearwater as New Zealand’s first Chief Clinical Advisor working with the Coroners Court. “This appointment is significant for the Coroners Court and New Zealand’s wider coronial system.” Minister Tirikatene said. Through Budget 2022, the Government ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Next steps for affected properties post Cyclone and floods
    The Government via the Cyclone Taskforce is working with local government and insurance companies to build a picture of high-risk areas following Cyclone Gabrielle and January floods. “The Taskforce, led by Sir Brian Roche, has been working with insurance companies to undertake an assessment of high-risk areas so we can ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New appointment to Māori Land Court bench
    E te huia kaimanawa, ko Ngāpuhi e whakahari ana i tau aupikinga ki te tihi o te maunga. Ko te Ao Māori hoki e whakanui ana i a koe te whakaihu waka o te reo Māori i roto i te Ao Ture. (To the prized treasure, it is Ngāpuhi who ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Government focus on jobs sees record number of New Zealanders move from Benefits into work
    113,400 exits into work in the year to June 2022 Young people are moving off Benefit faster than after the Global Financial Crisis Two reports released today by the Ministry of Social Development show the Government’s investment in the COVID-19 response helped drive record numbers of people off Benefits and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Vertical farming partnership has upward momentum
    The Government’s priority to keep New Zealand at the cutting edge of food production and lift our sustainability credentials continues by backing the next steps of a hi-tech vertical farming venture that uses up to 95 per cent less water, is climate resilient, and pesticide-free. Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor visited ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Conference of Pacific Education Ministers – Keynote Address
    E nga mana, e nga iwi, e nga reo, e nga hau e wha, tena koutou, tena koutou, tena koutou kātoa. Warm Pacific greetings to all. It is an honour to host the inaugural Conference of Pacific Education Ministers here in Tāmaki Makaurau. Aotearoa is delighted to be hosting you ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New $13m renal unit supports Taranaki patients
    The new renal unit at Taranaki Base Hospital has been officially opened by the Minister of Health Dr Ayesha Verrall this afternoon. Te Huhi Raupō received around $13 million in government funding as part of Project Maunga Stage 2, the redevelopment of the Taranaki Base Hospital campus. “It’s an honour ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Second Poseidon aircraft on home soil
    Defence Minister Andrew Little has marked the arrival of the country’s second P-8A Poseidon aircraft alongside personnel at the Royal New Zealand Air Force’s Base at Ohakea today. “With two of the four P-8A Poseidons now on home soil this marks another significant milestone in the Government’s historic investment in ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Further humanitarian aid for Türkiye and Syria
    Aotearoa New Zealand will provide further humanitarian support to those seriously affected by last month’s deadly earthquakes in Türkiye and Syria, says Foreign Minister Nanaia Mahuta. “The 6 February earthquakes have had devastating consequences, with almost 18 million people affected. More than 53,000 people have died and tens of thousands more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Community voice to help shape immigration policy
    Migrant communities across New Zealand are represented in the new Migrant Community Reference Group that will help shape immigration policy going forward, Immigration Minister Michael Wood announced today.  “Since becoming Minister, a reoccurring message I have heard from migrants is the feeling their voice has often been missing around policy ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • State Highway 3 project to deliver safer journeys, better travel connections for Taranaki
    Construction has begun on major works that will deliver significant safety improvements on State Highway 3 from Waitara to Bell Block, Associate Minister of Transport Kiri Allan announced today. “This is an important route for communities, freight and visitors to Taranaki but too many people have lost their lives or ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Ginny Andersen appointed as Minister of Police
    Prime Minister Chris Hipkins has today appointed Ginny Andersen as Minister of Police. “Ginny Andersen has a strong and relevant background in this important portfolio,” Chris Hipkins said. “Ginny Andersen worked for the Police as a non-sworn staff member for around 10 years and has more recently been chair of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government confirms vital roading reconnections
    Six further bailey bridge sites confirmed Four additional bridge sites under consideration 91 per cent of damaged state highways reopened Recovery Dashboards for impacted regions released The Government has responded quickly to restore lifeline routes after Cyclone Gabrielle and can today confirm that an additional six bailey bridges will ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Foreign Minister Mahuta to meet with China’s new Foreign Minister
    Foreign Minister Nanaia Mahuta departs for China tomorrow, where she will meet with her counterpart, State Councillor and Foreign Minister Qin Gang, in Beijing. This will be the first visit by a New Zealand Minister to China since 2019, and follows the easing of COVID-19 travel restrictions between New Zealand and China. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Education Ministers from across the Pacific gather in Aotearoa
    Education Ministers from across the Pacific will gather in Tāmaki Makaurau this week to share their collective knowledge and strategic vision, for the benefit of ākonga across the region. New Zealand Education Minister Jan Tinetti will host the inaugural Conference of Pacific Education Ministers (CPEM) for three days from today, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • State Highway 5 reopens between Napier and Taupō following Cyclone Gabrielle
    A vital transport link for communities and local businesses has been restored following Cyclone Gabrielle with the reopening of State Highway 5 (SH5) between Napier and Taupō, Associate Minister of Transport Kiri Allan says. SH5 reopened to all traffic between 7am and 7pm from today, with closure points at SH2 (Kaimata ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Special Lotto draw raises $11.7 million for Cyclone Gabrielle recovery
    Internal Affairs Minister Barbara Edmonds has thanked generous New Zealanders who took part in the special Lotto draw for communities affected by Cyclone Gabrielle. Held on Saturday night, the draw raised $11.7 million with half of all ticket sales going towards recovery efforts. “In a time of need, New Zealanders ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government delivers a $3 million funding boost for Building Financial Capability services
    The Government has announced funding of $3 million for providers to help people, and whānau access community-based Building Financial Capability services. “Demand for Financial Capability Services is growing as people face cost of living pressures. Those pressures are increasing further in areas affected by flooding and Cyclone Gabrielle,” Minister for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Education New Zealand | Manapou ki te Ao – new Chair and member
    Minister of Education, Hon Jan Tinetti, has announced appointments to the Board of Education New Zealand | Manapou ki te Ao. Tracey Bridges is joining the Board as the new Chair and Dr Therese Arseneau will be a new member. Current members Dr Linda Sissons CNZM and Daniel Wilson have ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Scholarships honouring Ngarimu VC and the 28th (Māori) Battalion announced
    Fifteen ākonga Māori from across Aotearoa have been awarded the prestigious Ngarimu VC and 28th (Māori) Battalion Memorial Scholarships and Awards for 2023, Associate Education Minister and Ngarimu Board Chair, Kelvin Davis announced today.  The recipients include doctoral, masters’ and undergraduate students. Three vocational training students and five wharekura students, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Appointment of Judge of the Court of Appeal and Judge of the High Court
    High Court Judge Jillian Maree Mallon has been appointed a Judge of the Court of Appeal, and District Court Judge Andrew John Becroft QSO has been appointed a Judge of the High Court, Attorney‑General David Parker announced today. Justice Mallon graduated from Otago University in 1988 with an LLB (Hons), and with ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago

Page generated in The Standard by Wordpress at 2023-03-27T13:43:00+00:00