There has been some media focus this week on the matter of “highly paid political operatives”. In the interests of transparency and click-farming, we the writers of The Standard have decided to come clean on how much we are paid by Labour.
It is our hope that revealing this previously top-secret information will both contribute to an atmosphere of open and honest politics, and also satisfy the obsessions of dirty politics insiders Farrar, Slater and Hooton before they either expire from chronic wrist sprain or try to have us hacked again*.
Obviously The Standard is a heavily unionised workforce, and through our solidarity and the strength of our bargaining position we have secured a base remuneration package for each writer which includes:
• $10,000 per week or $7.50 per word, whichever is higher
• $25,000 annual wardrobe allowance
• $100 bonus for every deranged attack on Key
• $100 bonus for every favourable mention of Marx, Lenin or Stalin
• 1 case of Chardonnay per month
• Vouchers for all we can eat at Bellamy’s
In addition, on 1st of April each year, Andrew Little pops round to read to us from the Communist Manifesto and give each and every one of us a back-rub.
* That part is true.