- Date published:
7:59 am, April 1st, 2017 - 46 comments
Categories: uncategorized - Tags: satire
Scientology has been awarded a major contract by the new Ministry for Vulnerable Children. The Xenu-fearing organisation has been brought on board by the fledgling ministry to train staff on how best to overcome any qualms likely to arise in their duties regarding the commodification of children.
It has long been a wet dream of neoliberals to commodify all human beings. To this end, the National Ltd™ Government is adopting a gradient approach, the first step being sold to the public as a “social investment” approach to dealing with children of the poor. While the public are, generally speaking, easy to fool, studies have shown that the staff actually carrying out the commodification process are likely to suffer significant emotional angst. And this is where Scientology comes in.
Scientology has, since the 1950s, been especially successful at commodifying human beings. Its staff are sufficiently and covertly indoctrinated into a totalistic world view which entirely obscures the reality of what they are actually doing. Rather than observing that they themselves, and anyone else they attract into the organisation, are being turned into money-making units, Scientology staff are firmly of the view that they are working in the best interests of the whole planet. It is this highly effective indoctrination process which results in the masking of reality that National Ltd™ is most interested in delivering to staff at the Ministry for Vulnerable Children.
Significant work in this regard has already been underway for some time within the Ministry of Social Development. Using a device known as the “Human Synergistics Circumplex“, staff most likely to comply with neoliberal mandates have been identified and placed into key positions in order to carefully monitor other staff wavering from the required adoration of the “social investment” wooden horse. Scientology’s first task is to commence delivery of its mind-warping “Communication Course”. Of course, improving communication is only ever ostensible. The real task of the Communications Course is to covertly introduce new language which encapsulates hidden concepts which are unconsciously agreed-to by the very use of the terms introduced.
The course also hardens people up emotionally and slowly induces largely automatic and spontaneous compliance to instructions. People who do not agree or who wise-up to what’s going on are, as per the instructions of Scientology founder, L Ron Hubbard, to be “disposed of quietly and without sorrow”.
It is now obvious how Paula Bennett got raised.
This is despicable. April 1st. 2017 will go down in history as a day of infamy!!!
Scientologists will whip you out into obscurity Miko! Doubter!
All hail Lord Xenu !
I am in deep shock to hear this. Why? Why would they?
So let me get this right, staff from the new Ministry for Vulnerable Children are to be trained in communication by one of the largest ‘cults’ on the planet.
Celebrity Lisa Remini joined Scientology when she was child and left just a few years ago, she went on to make a documentary series about it. Her series aired in the USA last year with such high ratings that there will be a second series this year.
Maybe TVNZ should air the series here, maybe the Ministry should watch the documentary series?
….check the date…
And the tags.
And a pinch and a punch for you too, BLIP.
The brilliance of this post is why it’s also so scary, and that’s that it’s not so far from the truth. Ace commentary BLiP.
Please correct if I am wrong, but is not April 1st designated ‘Fools Day’ on your planet ?
[r0b: sorry – you’re still serving a ban https://thestandard.org.nz/call-to-teach-consent-in-schools/#comment-1309685 ]
[After looking at what you’ve been up to of late (your submissions dropping into ‘pending’) I see that you’ve been actively seeking a ‘get around’ with regards your ban…which has now been extended by one month. Next step will be to make it permanent.] – Bill
ha! good job rape supporter!
should be permanent. rapists not welcome here!
the nasty nats have done a good job turning women into commodities!
Compassionate christian conservatives. Yeah, april fools, no such thing as a compassionate christian conservative.
Tags: satire …
TS very slow opening up today. Is it me, or another April Fools prank?
“TS very slow opening up today. Is it me, or another April Fools prank?”
Struggling under the weight of its own crapulence ?
So says the thick fish.
So writes dear..
Has seemed fine to me. However it will be getting an upgrade shortly. Picked up a new motherboard, memory, and Ryzen processor today.
I just figured it was the extra processing required for the new commenting policy. But it seems fine now.
Moving along OK now Lyn (10.2), but it was very slow earlier today.
Has been slow for me too. But after a small time of being inaccessible in the last half hour, it’s got faster.
Rebooted twice. Fixed an issue with the database permissions, then rebooted again to install a recent linux kernel 4.10.8 in preparation for a new motherboard and CPU.
It has had an outstanding reboot after a php upgrade on the 22nd, and there were a number of things dying in the background that were slowing the system down.
But I have been a bit busy. Was meant to do it Wednesday night but the Netsafe stuff came up.
Same here; it has been very sluggish or not even opening at all with Edge but seems to be o.k. with Chrome!?
For a moment I thought this was the nadir of National politics.
Then I realised the date.
So the “Ministry for Vulnerable Children” is a National govt April Fools joke?! Whodathunk neo-libs have a sense of humour that doesn’t involve pointing and laughing at poor folk?
Then I wondered if National would probably go for it anyway. Let’s not put any more stupid ideas into their heads than they already have.
Had me fooled. Agree… too plausible to be cast aside as just an AF joke. Is there an emoticon for ‘horror’?
If only the MfVC was a joke!
But t’is just the scientology angle that’s a joke.
Excellent leg pull – almost had me fooled. Who would have though we’d get April Fool’s Day on Daylight Saving ends Day and MVC start up together? Coincidence – serendipity? I suppose next we’ll hear that English has done a complete about face and is going to institute a UBI at the livable income level. And that temp and labour hire “contract” work is to be outlawed in NZ. Ah – if wishes were horses.
Technically, daylight saving ended on April 2nd.
Whoever believed this should have a serious think about their own credulity where National is concerned
Nah, I can see a star struck Paula fawning over Tom Cruise while signing on the line for a wrap around service for the Scientologists to provide communication services.
That’s the crazy thing, it’s almost believable because the outgoing government has done some strange things in the last eight years.
It’s not even close to believable. The Nats aren’t that bad, whoever believes they are has built up a cartoon ogre in their own mind.
Antione @ 13.1.1
Grow a sense of humour.
I have one, I thought this was a funny post and obviously a joke. It’s the people who thought it was dead serious that worry me.
Sorry. I misinterpreted your comment. I think some people took a bit longer to see it for the joke it was – that’s all.
Well hey, the outgoing government is moving towards importation of european manure to grow mushrooms in. Yes that is correct, how messed up is that?
The PM who quit helped to set the bar… http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/67979337/top-10-awkward-john-key-moments
They may have special crap in Europe??
They’re not anywhere close to the reverso-world of trump, but you’ve read Dirty Politics, right? Seen the hash they made of housing and various disaster responses? Seen the private prison debacle? Watched the juked charter school stats? The Compass hospital meal savings that aren’t?
While contracting a cult for staff training would be exceptionally idiotic for the nats, if they worked hard they could definitely achieve that level of stupidity.
edit: just to clarify, it was a joke upon thinking, as opposed to a headline like “Nats contract lizard alien vampires to care for children”. Quite a good april fools
See, the first thing progressive do after thinking it seems too suspicious to be true is check for verified sources. It’s what I did. I found no sources, so immediately dismissed it. I then saw it was posted on April 1st.
Progressive voters tend to be increasingly more versed in critical thinking. There was even a story on RNZ late last year about how the creator of a fake news website based in Belarus (some other backwater Easter European country) designed to make money, just could not fool progressive voters with stories that were deliberately aimed at them (there were stories aimed at both sides of the spectrum). This is because they would most often cross-check what was stated in the article or even check the reliability of the website itself. Most of the time the stories aimed at progressives were debunked mere minutes after they were posted.
The conservative Trumptards on the other hand…
Hi Antoine, you are correct.
It is not as if this regime would alter water quality levels to meet standards.
Nor would they deny a housing crisis.
They certainly wouldn’t disband an elected environmental group and replace them with self interested locals.
Nor would they use my money to use for DOC to take a true environmental group to court, to force thru a dam.
SCF bailout, media works loan…
WHAT THE HELL?
A good April Fool’s could cover how the bottom has fallen out of the seasteading market now that New Zealand citizenship is for sale so readily.
At $1m dollars the investment is significantly less than building, equipping and staffing a floating island.
This by Keith Johnson covers the territory nicely but sadly has more than a ring of truth.
For a minute I was like what the fuck?
Then I did what all rational thinking progressives do (unlike bottomfeeding Trump troll conservatives), and checked for the article’s sources. No sources? Probably garbage. Oh, it’s April 1st. You fooled me—briefly.