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Tackling the big issues

Written By: - Date published: 9:53 am, February 12th, 2011 - 59 comments
Categories: exports, john key, Satire - Tags:

Key: So, Gillard’s coming. Are we talking about a single economic zone?
Groser: Umm. Not exactly. You’re talking about mobile roaming charges.
Key: Christ, Tim. We’re really racking up wins for Kiwi exporters here, aren’t we?
Captain Panicpants: Your numbers with women are down over Hurley. They say you sounded disloyal and they empathise with Bronagh.
Key: Right. Call the missus. We’ll do something cutsie and distracting.

59 comments on “Tackling the big issues”

  1. Rosy 1

    “We’ll do something cutsie and distracting.”
    Strange timing after the hot chicks and fringe benefits of being warney or woods. Not.

    • ianmac 1.1

      Cutsie and distracting? I thought that the tone of the writing on Stuff was derisory. NO?

      • Marty G 1.1.1

        yeah I thought Stuff’s tone was subtly derisory, but it’s reporting an article in a woman’s mag, which is clearly Key’s attempt to rehabilitate his image as a family man.

        • Puddleglum

          I don’t know about “family man”. If I left my wife at home with swine flu while I went and played golf with the son (I don’t have one) I’m not sure that would be the way to her heart.

          On another thread, I mentioned that he’d probably do something family/women friendly like a photo-op for breast cancer week. I was wrong on two counts.

          1. It’s breast cancer awareness month (not week); and,

          2. It comes too late in the year (October) to resuscitate his image right now (though it would coincide, again, with the start of the election campaign).

          Then again, there’s also ‘Mo-vember’. John Key growing a Mo’? Phil Goff regrowing his? See who ends up with the thickest moustache by election day and the winner becomes PM?

          Pita Sharples has a head start of course and poor old Rodney is already struggling to get enough hair on his head. Not sure about Russel – has he started shaving yet? Winston could promise to first try to coalesce with the biggest moustache (I imagine he’d decline to enter the competition as it would distract from his winning smile and double-breasted suit.).

          I’m joking but, to be honest, nothing would surprise me now. If such a contest happened I have the scary feeling that it could be crucial in deciding the election – it would certainly dominate the media’s coverage of the election.

          • Pascal's bookie

            I’m joking but, to be honest, nothing would surprise me now. If such a contest happened I have the scary feeling that it could be crucial in deciding the election – it would certainly dominate the media’s coverage of the election.

            It would be pure catnip to the gallery.

          • felix

            I’m not entirely against this idea actually.

            If we’ve sunk so low as a people that we have to choose a leader from the puddle-deep pool of Key, Goff, Norman, Peters, Hide et al then fuck it why not decide by ‘tache growing?

            Anyone got a better idea? Rock paper scissors (or bum fanny cock) perhaps?

    • sweetdisorder 1.2

      What a lovely story (Valentines with John and Bing Bing). Thanks for the link.

      • felix 1.2.1

        It’s not lovely sd.

        He calls her “Bing Bing” because he can’t pronounce her name. It’s disgusting.

        As for this: ““For our 13th wedding anniversary John went to New York and picked out 13 diamonds for a ring

        Yeah right, I can just see John picking out diamonds. What a joke. More like “Just give me something a woman will like, I’m off brothel crawling so have it ready by Tuesday”

        • sweetdisorder

          felix, the funny thing is I am not the audience of this story, it is aimed at the people that buy the ‘womans mags’. Its a nice happy fluff piece about JK and his family. So in that regard with reference to the intended audience it is a total win for team blue; where are the same sort of stories for Phil?

          Secondly, with such a vivid imagination have you ever considered writing fiction yourself?

          • Zetetic

            sweetdisorder: “I love you for spinning me to hide your lack of real achievements”

          • felix

            Ha! Don’t you know you’re the ideal target for Key’s spin sd?

            Sycophantic, fawning, slurping supporter that you are, you go all giddy at the knees over a Big John story even when it’s a puff piece in a stupid magazine that you don’t read.

            Can’t get much more perfect a target than that.

            • Anne

              “Sycophantic, fawning, slurping supporter that you are,…”.

              So glad you’re back felix. Missed your wonderful prose…

        • Deadly_NZ

          It’s Not bing bing it’s more like Bling Bling

  2. Monty 2

    What I love about you guys here is your total obsession with John Key. Very rare we ever hear anything about Goff which just goes to show how irrelevant he really is.

    • Marty G 2.1

      we talk about Goff all the time /category/government-and-politics/politicans/phil-goff/

      but this site isn’t about mindlessly praising people. if you want that read john armstrong.

      if we’re not in the business of praise, we’re in the business of critique and naturally we critique the leader of the other side the most. although most of what we write about goff is criticism too.

    • Zetetic 2.2

      you remind me of this:

      • ianmac 2.2.1

        So that’s who Monty really is! And I thought he was just an apologist employed by John Key.

    • Well if you want to read about Goff Monty just read the Herald . Never a day when they are not running him down . For the National bible to be continuously denigrating one person most days mean one thing.They are scared he will be elected. Over the last month Goff has proved he is not only a good leader but is being recognized as such.I, picking the next polls will,show this . If not then they are fixed.

    • bbfloyd 2.4

      hey monty,,, what is it about this discussion you don’t understand? is the obvious connection with the main post? do you fail to understand that, if he who deserves no name decides to put his family life into print, then people will have opinions about that? and express them without feeling the need to wander off into completely irrelevant subjects? does this create an emotional crisis precipitating the need in you to attempt to divert the subject matter away from the pain?

      why don’t you stick to kiwiblog? it’s tailormade for entellectual and emotional refugees just like you… the reduction of your stress levels will add years to your life.

  3. rainman 3

    I clicked the link. Excuse me while I go and vomit.

    • Akldnut 3.1

      “Plus my charm and good looks help.”

      Puleeeease monkey!!!!! (finger down throat) now you’re only playing with youreslf.

      antispam – key You gotta be fucking joking me

  4. Tel 4

    Perhaps Bronagh caught swine flu from a chauvinist pig?

  5. Lanthanide 5

    That article is bullshit anyway:

    “As Bronagh Key lay in bed recovering from swine flu, her husband, Prime Minister John Key, took to the golf course with son Max.

    Mrs Key fell ill as the family celebrated Christmas at their Hawaiian hideaway and was treated with antibiotics.”

    You don’t treat the flu with antibiotics. The reporter (or Key) probably made the illness up.

    • DJames 5.1

      The way they worded it was stupid and it’s a fluff piece used to fill in the paper.

      But antibiotics might be needed if complications happen from the flu like pneumonia. If she really did take antibotics they should of just mentioned she had complications instead of treating people like they’re dumb. http://www.moh.govt.nz/moh.nsf/indexmh/influenza-a-h1n1-questions

      “Our main strength is that we try to see things from the other person’s perspective and adapt to changes,” he confides. It’s too bad he doesn’t do this in politics.

    • Marty G 5.2

      she did get swine flu but, yeah obviously not treated with anti-biotics

      • Colonial Viper 5.2.1

        I think its pretty safe to say that every year some people with the flu end up getting prescribed antibiotics. No, its of no use whatsoever (I’m excluding those cases where there is a secondary infection where it might actually be useful) and every GP knows better by this day and age. But it still happens.

        I also want to know if Bronagh had been immunised against the swine flu.

        • Anne

          Doesn’t necessarily stop you getting it. It may just reduce the severity of the symptoms. I had a jab last April yet still got swine flu in August/September.

          • Colonial Viper

            Possibly, though as far as I know there’s no evidence that the swine flu vaccine reduces the severity of symptoms if they finally eventuate. Esp since vaccinations are approved on their ability to prevent disease, not reduce disease symptoms. Anyways I think its all been merged into the standard flu jab mix now.

            • Anne

              Yes, it’s all merged into the standard jab mix now. It was my doctor who opined it would have been worse if I’d not had the jab. All I could say say was: it was bad enough as it was thank-you. 🙂

  6. QoT 6

    Holy shit, awkward PM body language is awkward.

    • orange whip? 6.1

      Awkward alright, like he’s not allowed to touch her. Or doesn’t want to.

      • Colonial Viper 6.1.1

        Isn’t allowed to. After that Liz Hurley comment.

        • QoT

          I don’t necessarily want to bash JK’s relationship with his wife, but the posing is just so stiff and artificial – obviously someone behind the camera is stage-managing everything but if he’s just not a naturally affectionate/open guy that way you can’t force it.

          • pollywog

            I bet Bing Bing’s MILF shake brings all the boys to the yard.

            • QoT

              Why you gotta bring Bronagh Key into it, polly? Not her fault her husband is a plastic smiling-and-waving assassin of NZ’s society, economy and dignity.

            • orange whip?

              Word, Q.

              The way I see it she’s brought herself into the public sphere by taking part in this political promo and is therefore fair game for fair criticism, but there’s no need to get all porno about it.

              • QoT

                I guess so, but what choice does she have? On the one hand I think it’s entirely understandable one spouse will do things or participate in things to help their partner’s career. On the other, this is a service strictly demanded of wives (you’d never have seen a Woman’s Weekly HC/Peter Davis cover, even if HC *had* been persuaded not to strike death with a glare whoever suggested such a damn fool idea.) And there’s plenty to criticise Key on without making it personal about his family.

                • pollywog

                  Key brought Bing Bing into it and made it personal by promoting her MILF like qualities. I’m just acknowledging them because that’s what he, his handlers and the gossip mag wants. It would be rude not to and i’m not a rude man 🙂

                  It’s not a criticism of her, it’s a sad indictment of him that he has to cynically pimp his wife and personal relationship to counter the negative publicity of his recent ‘hotlist’ and mincing brainfarts.

                  From my perspective, being called a MILF is not an insult to Bing Bing. It’s a compliment. It’s saying in a drunken state, and if there was nothing else on offer, i’d prolly give her one ‘cos that’s how we typical Kiwi blokes do and say…eh lads ?

                  It’s no less porno than acknowledging Key’s ‘typical Kiwi bloke’ desire to be Tiger Woods for the ‘fringe benefits’ or Shane Warne for the pleasure of bonking Liz Hurley. For all intents and purposes Key may as well have called Hurley a MILF and admitted his willingness to sleep with as many women as he so desires without any moral obligation to remain faithful to his wife, as Woods did.

                  Given the opportunity to, and his need to ham it up and hog the limelight, i would imagine him clandestinely filming the events for posterity and future reference as no one would believe him otherwise…video or it didn’t happen !

                  The most telling revelation i find in that piece is Key saying…

                  ‘Plus my charm and good looks help’.

                  …as though believing he can perpetually win her and, by inference, the country over by continually playing the patronising, egotistical, narcissistic, arrogant, obnoxious self deprecating git….Yeah John, we all wish our BF’s were hot like you !

                  You and your mate Berlusconi, because of course it’s also his sheer ‘hotness’ that causes 17 yr olds to want to sleep with him. They continuously do it of their own accord because all attractive 17 yr old girls aspire to sleep with lecherous 74 yr old millionaire politicians solely for their ‘hawtness’ and shrivelled up weeners.

                  Fuck no…it’s not about the diamonds…eh ladies ?

                  • QoT

                    From my perspective, being called a MILF is not an insult to Bing Bing.

                    Of course not, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with reducing a woman to her reproductive capabilities and fuckability. That’s just what “normal kiwi guys do”, after all, which somehow means it has nothing to do with the oppression of women which reduces them to their reproductive capabilities and fuckability OH WAIT.

                    • pollywog

                      Surely, the ladies have an equivalent term for men in relationships or Fathers I’d Like to Fuck…FILF’s, as it were ?

                    • QoT

                      Are you serious?

                      No, pollywog. There ISN’T an equivalent term. Because society doesn’t make a lot of porn aimed at women, because society doesn’t code men exclusively in their roles as semen donors and fucktoys, and because society doesn’t apply double-standard virgin/whore dichotomies, or concepts of men being “owned” by their spouses and/or children, to men which make it ~risque~ to actively consider men-who-are-fathers to be sexual.

                      Not to mention the lack of freedom women have to express possessive lust over men, the innate hetero-privileging of assuming mothers to be hetero, and the undermining of women by reducing them, even when they are fulfilling the “proper” women’s roles of Wives And Mothers, to pussy.

                      Please go read some fucking Feminism 101, would you?

                    • pollywog

                      Nah…She’ll be right QoT. I think i’ll just choose to disbelieve you and if that makes me a dick or a prick or a cock or a tool then so be it.

                      this might interest you. Male equivalent of milf results from google…

                    • orange whip?

                      polly, most of the results on the first page are links to discussions where people say they haven’t heard a convincing one, or don’t know, or that there isn’t really one.

                      Hardly strengthens your (slightly trollish I suspect) case.

                      Anyway why don’t you just listen to what QoT is saying instead of getting defensive – you pulled some sexist shit and you got called on it and now you’ve been schooled on it too.

                      Take your lumps like the man you claim to be. It’s for your growth.

                    • pollywog

                      Jeez whip…guess i’m even too ignorant to realise what sexist shit i got pulled on ?

                      i could go on about pron being equal opportunist, men as fuck buddies or friends with benefits, sugar mommies, cougar culture, western women having as much freedom to express possesive lust as men…

                      …but whatever, it won’t change me to think most mothers are hetero as are most fathers.

                      Perhaps we should push for fucking Feminism 101 🙂 to be included in the school curriculum ?

                    • QoT

                      Polly, surely you are just trolling at this point. No shit, the majority of people who parent are heterosexual, it’s almost like they make up a majority of the population or something.

                      You can talk all the “but women do it too!” crap you like if it pleases you to be wilfully ignorant about sexual double standards in western society. (Yeah, cougar culture, there’s something which is ALL about respecting older women’s sexuality …) but if I keep trying to engage with you like you’re sincere my eyes are going to roll right out of my head. Why don’t you go back to a lesbian bar and hit on partnered women until basic logical and observation skills kick in – or get kicked in for you?

                    • orange whip?

                      Obvious troll is obvious.

                  • pollywog

                    What the fuck do you want from me, men, women and society in general QoT ?

                    this… http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072000/

                    Shit or get off the pot, i say…

                    • QoT

                      Is this you trying to pretend to not be a total troll? 1/10.

                    • pollywog

                      hah…troll my fucking arse bitches, what a cop out !!!

                      i’ll take it then you don’t know what you want from me, men, women and society in general.

                      oh well, holla back when you do…

                    • QoT

                      Sorry, polly, but what the fuck does “what I want” have to do with you not fronting up to being a Neanderthal, insecure little misogynist troll?

                  • pollywog

                    Of course i’m not fronting up to being being a Neanderthal, insecure little misogynist troll?…that’s just silly, cos i’m not !

                    It’s more the fact you can’t expound on what you want, shows you don’t know.

                    You’d rather splash petty insults around, regurgitating “fucking Feminist 101” cliches to display an air of informed superiority thats just not justified while wallowing in your percieved oppression on behalf of all western women.

                    Happy like a fat pig rolling round in it’s own shit trying to smear whatever misguided creature gets close enough to show you any smattering of attention.

                    aww poor wee Queen of Thorns, you’re such a fucking martyr ! You have my sympathy but i’ll reserve my pity unless you really want it.

                    Women hold up half the sky, so how about you put your back into it and shoulder some responsibility. Enough with the pathetic excuses already eh ?

                    • just saying

                      Quite the outburst.
                      QoT, you’re awfully threatening to the red-neck community. And to the red neck in all of us.
                      More power to your elbow!

  7. Olwyn 7

    Trotter had a piece on this sort of thing in December, which he termed Penn/Morris politics. It amounts to (1) Showing that you care about they same things they care about, and (2) Sympathise with their concerns and they will imagine you are addressing them:


    Another story that fits this category is one about Cameron’s kids having nits:


  8. Kevin Welsh 8

    “Our main strength is that we try to see things from the other person’s perspective and adapt to changes,” he confides.

    Pity the fuckwit can’t apply this same logic to politics.

  9. BLiP 9

    病 病 or Bing Bing??? I thought his nick name for her was Ponto Baggins.

  10. Jum 10

    Well that cutesy piece will bring in the women whose own partners/husbands pay them no attention…

    until their daughters go for a job and discover that no matter how clever they are at their work, they’ll still get paid less simply because they’re females. JKeyll said he asks Bronagh’s advice; she may have suggested it – JKeyll winning is more important to her than any damage to women that this government intends to continue inflicting.

    Also, grandmas will fall for that cutesy piece until they’re reminded that if they’re Greypower members they need to fight any attempts at Privatisation (says so on their mission statement), so maybe National isn’t the party for them after all.

    But, I do have to wonder if women are independent thinkers in that they can look past the syrup and spot the marketing fakir behind it.

    Otherwise, shame about our assets. They’re all set to be sold off in 2012. The legislation’s passed. All it needs is a second term and Douglas finishes his grand plan.

    • Rosy 10.1

      “until their daughters go for a job” …
      and on that note:

      “Josef Ackermann, chief executive of Deutsche Bank, was right when he said more women should be appointed to top executive roles. But he revealed how far attitudes must change by embellishing his statement with the misplaced and patronising comment that this would make boards “more colourful” and “more beautiful”.”

      I’m sure putting a vase of flowers on the boardroom table would do the trick 😉

  11. ak 11

    “If the cat brings in a mouse, I have to take care of it.”

    The entire population of this country knows exactly what you mean, Bing-bing. His dead mice entrance us all. Bless you both.

  12. Jum 12

    Cat and Mouse, don’t you just love it; Key the cat we the mouse. I’m so grateful to Bronagh for ‘taking care of us’.

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    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Climate change lens on major Government decisions
    Major decisions made by the Government will now be considered under a climate change lens, Minister for Climate Change James Shaw announced today. “Cabinet routinely considers the effects of its decisions on human rights, the Treaty of Waitangi, rural communities, the disability community, and gender – now climate change will ...
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    6 days ago
  • New Tertiary Education Commission Board announced
    Education Minister Chris Hipkins today announced the appointment of Māori education specialist Dr Wayne Ngata and Business NZ head Kirk Hope to the Board of the Tertiary Education Commission (TEC). Dr Alastair MacCormick has been reappointed for another term. “Wayne Ngata, Kirk Hope and Alastair MacCormick bring a great deal ...
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    6 days ago
  • Next phase of Pike River recovery underway in time for Christmas
    The next phase of the Pike River Re-entry project is underway, Minister Responsible for Pike River Re-entry Andrew Little says. “Fresh air will be pumped into the Pike River Mine drift this week, following acceptance of the plan for re-entry beyond the 170m barrier by New Zealand’s independent health and ...
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    6 days ago
  • Insurance contracts to become easier to understand and fairer for consumers
    New Zealand consumers will have greater certainty about their insurance cover when they need to make claims as a result of proposed government changes. “Insurance is vitally important in supporting consumers and businesses to be financially resilient when unexpected events happen,” Minister of Commerce and Consumer Affairs Kris Faafoi said. ...
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    6 days ago
  • A new opportunity for Ngāpuhi collective and regional negotiations
    The Crown is providing an opportunity for the hapu of Ngāpuhi to rebuild its framework from the ground up for collective negotiations to deal with its historical Treaty claims, Minister for Treaty of Waitangi Negotiations Andrew Little and Minister for Māori Development Nanaia Mahuta announced today. The Crown is also ...
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    6 days ago
  • Referendums Framework Bill passes third reading
    A Bill enabling referendums to be held with the 2020 General Election has passed its third reading. Justice Minister Andrew Little says the Act is important for upholding the integrity of New Zealand’s electoral process. “The Government has committed to holding a referendum on legalising recreational cannabis at the next ...
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    7 days ago
  • Referendums website and initial cannabis Bill launched
    The first release of public information on the two referendums to be held at next year’s General Election was made today with an informative new Government website going live. Additionally, the draft Cannabis Legalisation and Control Bill has been released, showing the strict controls on cannabis that will apply if ...
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    7 days ago
  • Government to ban foreign donations
    The Government is taking action to protect New Zealand from foreign interference in our elections by banning foreign donations to political parties and candidates, Justice Minister Andrew Little announced today. Legislation will be introduced to Parliament this afternoon and passed under urgency. “There’s no need for anyone other than New ...
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    7 days ago
  • Governments and tech converge to strengthen joint response to online terror events
    Governments and tech companies are holding a two-day workshop, hosted by YouTube/Google in Wellington, to test the Christchurch Call Shared Crisis Response Protocol. The workshop aims to refine and strengthen the response in the event of a terrorist attack with online implications. Companies, governments, civil society experts and NGOs will ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Cancer Control Agency to drive improved care
    The new independent Cancer Control Agency has formally opened today, delivering on the Government’s plan to improve cancer care in New Zealand.         Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Minister of Health David Clark marked the occasion by announcing the membership of the Advisory Council that will be supporting ...
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    7 days ago
  • Supporting small business to prosper
    Small businesses who deal with government departments are set to be paid faster and have improved cash flow as a result, under a new strategy released today. The Government is backing recommendations from the Small Business Council (SBC) and has agreed to implement three initiatives immediately to support business and ...
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    1 week ago
  • Bill has biggest education changes in decades
    The Education and Training Bill 2019, introduced in Parliament today, proposes the biggest education changes in decades and is an important step towards improving success for all our learners, Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “The Bill’s rewrite of education legislation is long overdue. Indeed one Education Act, parts of which ...
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    1 week ago
  • Bali Democracy Forum to focus on democracy and inclusivity
    Minister for Pacific Peoples Aupito William Sio will travel to Bali to represent New Zealand at the 12th Bali Democracy Forum that will be held on the 5-6 December. “The Forum is a valuable opportunity for Asia-Pacific countries to share experiences and best practice in building home-grown democracy and fostering ...
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    1 week ago