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The Three Wakas of the Coalition of Coxes

Written By: - Date published: 6:01 am, June 5th, 2025 - 6 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags:


New Zealand has a deep connection with the sea, and this is reflected in the narratives and naval mythologies of the coalition parties.

The waka of the National Party is a slick shiny speed machine that is built for speed and efficiency. It has a highly trained team of professional rowers that is supported by a rich club. Its strength lies in its strong leadership and the crew has an unwavering trust in the cox who has even shaved his head to keep it cool and for aerodynamic advantage. None of the crew wears a lifejacket because this would slow them down; in case of an emergency, they have a secure safety net provided by the club. The crew has undergone the most stringent mental and physical training and have the utmost respect for each other; they are all equal and no crew member is considered fucking useless. Under the strong management of the cox the National Party waka always races towards a bright spot on the horizon. Nobody knows what that bright spot is or when they might reach it and it never seems to grow.

The waka of New Zealand First Party is misguided information, sunshine. It is majestic ship called HMS New Zealand that was built long ago and ruling the waves when you and I still had our snotty noses wiped by our mothers. The ship runs on beautiful black coal that produces hot air in copious amounts thanks to engineer Jones aided by officer Costello who oversees keeping the ship’s funnel clean and smoking. Thanks to this marvel of reliable proven propulsion technology the crew is tiny and purely selected on merit. The ship’s cox always wears an admiral’s uniform with fishing boots, and his weathered face shows the lines of many years out to sea, some run so deep that they look like scars incurred in old battles with pirates or Moby Dick. There are no lifeboats or other emergency gear on board of HMS New Zealand because it cannot ever sink, but there is a first-aid kit plus defibrillator for seniors, just in case.

The waka of the ACT Party is an AI hallucination. It is a piece of driftwood, also known as woke-wood, which people cling on to for dear life, and which must be dragged out of the water, chopped up and burnt as soon as possible because it might hinder other users of the waterways. According to ACT we must all learn to sink or swim and each of us must save themselves. Consequently, there is no need for any safety gear or measures or silly rules & regulations to save women & children first; we are all equal, young & old, male & female, rich & poor, renters & landlords. Because there’s no ACT waka, there’s no cox, only a hologrammatic symbol that can morph into all kinds of different shapes in the minds of hallucinating swimmers who’ve been in the cold, choppy, salty waters for too long. Life is cruel, and Florence Nightingale is a fairytale we were told in a rare consultation with ACT’s mother figure Morticia van Velden whilst wiping her dirty hands on her handmade pink skirt.

Together, these three parties are writing history like none before; it is the stuff of legends.

6 comments on “The Three Wakas of the Coalition of Coxes ”

  1. Tony Veitch 1
    5 June 2025 at 7:52 am

    Its strength lies in its strong leadership and the crew has an unwavering trust in the cox who has even shaved his head to keep it cool and for aerodynamic advantage.

    I think your description of the Natz waka is way off line – and Marilyn Waring thinks so to!

    Though perhaps you were being sarcastic?

    Reply
    • PsyclingLeft.Always 1.1
      5 June 2025 at 8:51 am

      Though perhaps you were being sarcastic?

      Seems kinda obvious? Well, to me anyway…. : ) Humour can be a weapon : bludgeon,edged and rapier. Edged and rapier are common in satire.

      Reply
  2. Drowsy M. Kram 2
    5 June 2025 at 10:54 am

    … it is the stuff of legends.

    The 3 Wakas are "exhaustingly hollow" – it's clear who and what they're grifting for sad

    Moriarty: Ooooh! Money! Money-money-money! Little money, money, money, money! Oheooheeeoh!

    Lovely money! It's all the rage!

    https://www.hexmaster.com/goonscripts/s06e25.pdf

    Reply

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