web analytics

Transcript Contest: Johns’ Magical Teapot Tapes

Written By: - Date published: 7:31 am, November 15th, 2011 - 26 comments
Categories: act, election 2011, humour, john banks, john key, leadership, national, parody - Tags:

John: “I hear you might be able to get your hands on something to get me through the Election?”

26 comments on “Transcript Contest: Johns’ Magical Teapot Tapes ”

  1. Akldnut 1

    Just give me a couple of weeks, I’ll have a word to someone important.

  2. joe90 2

    JK: Oh, by the way, if you’d really like to know, he went that way.

    JB: Who did?

    JK: The Don.

    JB: He did?

    JK: He did what?

    JB: Went that way.

    JK: Who did?

    JB: The Don.

    JK: What Don?

    JB: But didn’t you just say – I mean – Oh, dear
    .
    JK: Can you stand on your head?

    JB: Oh!

    .
    ~ later:

    The Don: [singing] I’m late / I’m late / For a very important date. / No time to say “Hello.” / Goodbye. / I’m late, I’m late, I’m late

  3. Tom Gould 3

    Does anyone else remember the strong rumours circulating before the ‘Newmarket tea party’ suggesting that a scandal was about to blow over some dodgy dealing involving Banks? Maybe mention was made on the tape, and maybe a coded assurance sought? Would be dynamite if it was? How else can the massive over-reaction be rationally explained?

    • The Voice of Reason 3.1

      JK: So, what’s this I hear about Hone having you in the bag, Banksie?
       
      JB: Just tell him to P off, John. By the way, I know you have a cat, but do you have a dog? I prefer labs, myself.

      • Ianupnorth 3.1.1

        Very good.
         
        JK – hey, your name is Banks, I like Banks, Banks make me money, another Banks I am now friends with!

    • Lanthanide 3.2

      That rumour is completely unrelated to the tea party.

  4. tc 4

    JK: T is it JB, not your normal letter of preference
    JB: Ha very funny JK, you couldn’t hook me up could you
    JK: relax, after nov 26 you’ve got 3 years of whatever you want, look at what |Rortney got up to
    JB: Can I be mayor ?
    JK: um err maybe how about law and order
    JB: Nope had that last time, too hard JK
    JK: has it’s advantages in taking care of certain aspects of ones past
    JB: nope not getting your drift, maybe write it down
    JK: geesh JB maybe there’s a pen in your black stash case there
    JB: That’s not my stash case, thought it was yours.
    JB/JK: uh oh

  5. Blue 5

    Banks: Hey JK, really appreciate you doing this for me mate, I was getting a bit worried there for a bit.

    Key: No need, Banksie. Epsom voters are gullible fuckwits who’ll vote for whoever I tell them to vote for. Nice line by the way, ‘a vote for me is a vote for Key’. I like it. You are going to roll Brash though, right?

    Banks: Oh, yeah. Soon as after the election. Total restructure mate, total restructure.

    Key: I’ve heard that one before. Now, you are going to vote for everything I want and not make any demands, aren’t you?

    Banks: Oh, I totally live to serve, master. I don’t care where, as long as I’m mayor/have a job. Tough recession we’re in, aye?

    Key: Not for me, Banksy. And not for you, if you stick with me.

    Banks: So, what are we going to do tomorrow?

    Key: The same thing we do every day, Banksie. Try to take over NZ!

    Banks: You already did that.

    Key: Yeah, well, if you want to quibble over the details. But we’re going to take it more over. Now shut up and smile for the camera. And get some new glasses. You look like Steve Urkel.

  6. freedom 6

    “ICE
    I guess I owe you one.

    MAVERICK
    You don’t owe me anything.
    We’re on the same team.
    ICE
    You saved our lives. You did it!

    MAVERICK
    We did it.

    ICE
    You’re a hell of a flyer.
    (he can’t resist)
    You can be my wingman any time.

    MAVERICK
    (laughs)
    No. You can be mine!

    Now Ice laughs. Nobody’s ever gonna win on this one. But Ice
    smiles at him…It’s now a running joke between them.

    ICE
    Whatever you say, Commander. “

  7. Lynne Renouf 7

    “I’m a little teapot
    with no clout.
    Here is the scandal.
    Here is the doubt
    When I get recorded
    ‘Police’ I shout
    Just tip me over
    Get Brash out!”

  8. Oblimova 8

    Banksy: “Brash? Gone by tea-time!”

  9. Rodel 9

    Oh sh*t! Here comes Rodney…..

  10. mikesh 10

    That dormouse over there, is he really sleeping? Or is he eavesdropping and just pretending to sleep.

  11. BLiP 11

    JK: Just look at those monkeys, would ya?

    JB: Fucking media, when are you going to kill off TVNZ and that shower of commies over at Radio New Zealand?

    JK: All in good time, Banksie, all in good time. You want the Broadcasting portfolio?

    JB: Lets save the details until we know the result. I might want Broadcasting *and* the Police. So how’s Bronagh?

    JK: Oh, my little Hobbit? She’s great. How’s things with your bunch?

    JB: All good. A constant source of support.

    JK: You put the milk in first – doesn’t that scald it?

    JB: Oh, its just a middle-class affectation I picked up after my first million. Are you going to have a bite to eat – some corn beef and peas, perhaps?

    JK: [guffaw] . . . he’s probably learned to use a wok by now. What a bozzo. How long are we going to have to put up with him? Its like working with “Dawn of the Dead” – first Douglas now Donny-boy.

    JB: Gone by lunchtime, John. Guaranteed. He won’t even have time to fire up his bong.

  12. Treetop 12

    Oh PM please tick me on the ballot paper for the Epsom candidate I need every vote.

  13. mike 13

    JB: “I’m having touble scoring good bud in Epsom John. Can you hook me up?”

    JK: “Chill out bro I’ll send some cops to your house with the good stuff tonight.”

  14. Sorry to spam your blog, but I thought that this might be relevant to your interests. MemeSpree NZ – a new humour project from the makers of the “Ghost Jobs” image – has not recently come into possession of the two Johnnie’s tapes. Exclusive, sharable images with pertinent quotes can be found at http://memespreenz.blogspot.com/2011/11/teabagger-tapes.html although for how much longer we couldn’t say.

    As for the caption, how about…

    “Voters seem to be lapping up our ‘Jam every other day’ policy!”

  15. M 15

    “Yes Banskie, I’ve got something to quell your excitement until the 26th – bromide. It’s in the tea you know.”

  16. fender 16

    JK: You know Banksie we need you in our team
    JB: Thats what I was hoping you’d say JK, we could be great together you know
    JK:Yeah I see you as the Paul Henry of politics Banksie
    JB:Well I’m not afraid to speak up over the important issues JK
    JK: I’m too gutless to use your frank language and raise those issues you’re so good at
    JB: And don’t forget JK me and my Epsom mates have the best porn, thats what those brown brothers keep climbing in the windows looking for
    JK: Yeah I know and sometimes some dope falls outa their pockets in the process, and once we knife Don we gunna need a new supplier

  17. Craig 17

    Key: Oh bluddyhell, Banks, you’re not crossdressing *again*, are you? I’ve been warned about this…

Links to post

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Tokelau Language Week reminds us to stay united and strong
    Staying strong in the face of challenges and being true to our heritage and languages are key to preserving our cultural identity and wellbeing, is the focus of the 2020 Tokelau Language Week. Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio, says this year’s theme, ‘Apoapo tau foe, i nā tāfea ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • NZ announces a third P-3 deployment in support of UN sanctions
    The Government has deployed a Royal New Zealand Air Force P-3K2 Orion (P-3) maritime patrol aircraft to support the implementation of United Nations Security Council (UNSC) resolutions imposing sanctions against North Korea, announced Minister of Foreign Affairs Winston Peters and Minister of Defence Ron Mark. “New Zealand has long supported ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Pacific trade and development agreement a reality
    Pacific regional trade and development agreement PACER Plus will enter into force in 60 days now that the required eight countries have ratified it. Trade and Export Growth Minister David Parker welcomed the announcement that the Cook Islands is the eighth nation to ratify this landmark agreement. “The agreement represents ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Securing a pipeline of teachers
    The Government is changing its approach to teacher recruitment as COVID-19 travel restrictions continue, by boosting a range of initiatives to get more Kiwis into teaching. “When we came into Government, we were faced with a teacher supply crisis,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “Over the past three years, we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Border exceptions for a small number of international students with visas
    The Government has established a new category that will allow 250 international PhD and postgraduate students to enter New Zealand and continue their studies, in the latest set of border exceptions. “The health, safety and wellbeing of people in New Zealand remains the Government’s top priority. Tight border restrictions remain ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • First COVID-19 vaccine purchase agreement signed
    The Government has signed an agreement to purchase 1.5 million COVID-19 vaccines – enough for 750,000 people – from Pfizer and BioNTech, subject to the vaccine successfully completing all clinical trials and passing regulatory approvals in New Zealand, say Research, Science and Innovation Minister Megan Woods and Health Minister Chris Hipkins. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • International statement – End-to-end encryption and public safety
    We, the undersigned, support strong encryption, which plays a crucial role in protecting personal data, privacy, intellectual property, trade secrets and cyber security.  It also serves a vital purpose in repressive states to protect journalists, human rights defenders and other vulnerable people, as stated in the 2017 resolution of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ministry of Defence Biodefence Assessment released
    The Ministry of Defence has today released a Defence Assessment examining Defence’s role across the spectrum of biological hazards and threats facing New Zealand. Biodefence: Preparing for a New Era of Biological Hazards and Threats looks at how the NZDF supports other agencies’ biodefence activities, and considers the context of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020
    New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020 Hon David Parker’s response following Thomas Piketty and Esther Duflo. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, wherever in the world you might be. I first acknowledge the excellent thought provoking speeches of Thomas Piketty and Esther ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Kaipara Moana restoration takes next step
    A Memorandum of Understanding has been signed today at Waihāua Marae between the Crown, local iwi and councils to protect, restore and enhance the mauri of Kaipara Moana in Northland. Environment Minister David Parker signed the document on behalf of the Crown along with representatives from Ngā Maunga Whakahī, Ngāti ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Zealand and Uruguay unite on reducing livestock production emissions
    Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor and Uruguayan Minister of Livestock, Agriculture and Fisheries Carlos María Uriarte have welcomed the launch of a three-year project that will underpin sustainable livestock production in Uruguay, Argentina, and Costa Rica.  The project called ‘Innovation for pasture management’ is led by Uruguay’s National Institute of Agricultural ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • 3100 jobs created through marae upgrades
    Hundreds of marae throughout the country will be upgraded through investments from the Provincial Growth Fund’s refocused post COVID-19 funding to create jobs and put money into the pockets of local tradespeople and businesses, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta have announced. “A total ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Health volunteers recognised in annual awards
    Health Minister Chris Hipkins has announced 9 teams and 14 individuals are the recipients of this year’s Minister of Health Volunteer Awards.  “The health volunteer awards celebrate and recognise the thousands of dedicated health sector volunteers who give many hours of their time to help other New Zealanders,” Mr Hipkins ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community COVID-19 Fund supports Pacific recovery
    The Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio says a total of 264 groups and individuals have successfully applied for the Pacific Aotearoa Community COVID-19 Recovery Fund, that will support Pacific communities drive their own COVID-19 recovery strategies, initiatives, and actions. “I am keen to see this Fund support Pacific ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community benefits from Māori apprenticeships
    Up to 50 Māori apprentices in Wellington will receive paid training to build houses for their local communities, thanks to a $2.75 million investment from the Māori Trades and Training Fund, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Ngāti Toa Rangatira Incorporated to provide its Ngā Kaimahi ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Training fund supports Māori jobseekers
    Rapidly growing sectors will benefit from a $990,000 Māori Trades and Training Fund investment which will see Wellington jobseekers supported into work, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Sapphire Consultants Ltd. to help up to 45 Māori jobseekers into paid training initiatives over two years through ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ruakura Inland Port development vital infrastructure for Waikato
    The Government is investing $40 million to develop an inland port at Ruakura which will become a freight super-hub and a future business, research and residential development for the Waikato, Urban Development and Transport Minister Phil Twyford, and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta announced today. The funding has been has ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Appointments made to Defence Expert Review Group
    Defence Minister Ron Mark announced today the establishment of an Expert Review Group to review a number of aspects of the New Zealand Defence Force’s (NZDF) structure, information management and record-keeping processes.  The Expert Review Group’s work arises out of the first recommendation from the Report of the Government’s Inquiry ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • No active community cases of COVID-19
    There are no active community cases of COVID-19 remaining in the country after the last people from the recent outbreak have recovered from the virus, Health Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “This is a big milestone. New Zealanders have once again through their collective actions squashed the virus. The systems ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Clean energy upgrade for more public buildings
    More public buildings will be supported by the Government to upgrade to run on clean energy, the Minister for Climate Change James Shaw announced today. Minister Shaw announced that Lincoln and Auckland universities will receive support through the Clean-Powered Public Service Fund to replace fossil fuel boilers. Southern, Taranaki, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago