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Transcript Contest: Johns’ Magical Teapot Tapes

Written By: - Date published: 7:31 am, November 15th, 2011 - 26 comments
Categories: act, election 2011, humour, john banks, john key, leadership, national, parody - Tags:

John: “I hear you might be able to get your hands on something to get me through the Election?”

26 comments on “Transcript Contest: Johns’ Magical Teapot Tapes ”

  1. Akldnut 1

    Just give me a couple of weeks, I’ll have a word to someone important.

  2. joe90 2

    JK: Oh, by the way, if you’d really like to know, he went that way.

    JB: Who did?

    JK: The Don.

    JB: He did?

    JK: He did what?

    JB: Went that way.

    JK: Who did?

    JB: The Don.

    JK: What Don?

    JB: But didn’t you just say – I mean – Oh, dear
    .
    JK: Can you stand on your head?

    JB: Oh!

    .
    ~ later:

    The Don: [singing] I’m late / I’m late / For a very important date. / No time to say “Hello.” / Goodbye. / I’m late, I’m late, I’m late

  3. Tom Gould 3

    Does anyone else remember the strong rumours circulating before the ‘Newmarket tea party’ suggesting that a scandal was about to blow over some dodgy dealing involving Banks? Maybe mention was made on the tape, and maybe a coded assurance sought? Would be dynamite if it was? How else can the massive over-reaction be rationally explained?

    • The Voice of Reason 3.1

      JK: So, what’s this I hear about Hone having you in the bag, Banksie?
       
      JB: Just tell him to P off, John. By the way, I know you have a cat, but do you have a dog? I prefer labs, myself.

      • Ianupnorth 3.1.1

        Very good.
         
        JK – hey, your name is Banks, I like Banks, Banks make me money, another Banks I am now friends with!

    • Lanthanide 3.2

      That rumour is completely unrelated to the tea party.

  4. tc 4

    JK: T is it JB, not your normal letter of preference
    JB: Ha very funny JK, you couldn’t hook me up could you
    JK: relax, after nov 26 you’ve got 3 years of whatever you want, look at what |Rortney got up to
    JB: Can I be mayor ?
    JK: um err maybe how about law and order
    JB: Nope had that last time, too hard JK
    JK: has it’s advantages in taking care of certain aspects of ones past
    JB: nope not getting your drift, maybe write it down
    JK: geesh JB maybe there’s a pen in your black stash case there
    JB: That’s not my stash case, thought it was yours.
    JB/JK: uh oh

  5. Blue 5

    Banks: Hey JK, really appreciate you doing this for me mate, I was getting a bit worried there for a bit.

    Key: No need, Banksie. Epsom voters are gullible fuckwits who’ll vote for whoever I tell them to vote for. Nice line by the way, ‘a vote for me is a vote for Key’. I like it. You are going to roll Brash though, right?

    Banks: Oh, yeah. Soon as after the election. Total restructure mate, total restructure.

    Key: I’ve heard that one before. Now, you are going to vote for everything I want and not make any demands, aren’t you?

    Banks: Oh, I totally live to serve, master. I don’t care where, as long as I’m mayor/have a job. Tough recession we’re in, aye?

    Key: Not for me, Banksy. And not for you, if you stick with me.

    Banks: So, what are we going to do tomorrow?

    Key: The same thing we do every day, Banksie. Try to take over NZ!

    Banks: You already did that.

    Key: Yeah, well, if you want to quibble over the details. But we’re going to take it more over. Now shut up and smile for the camera. And get some new glasses. You look like Steve Urkel.

  6. freedom 6

    “ICE
    I guess I owe you one.

    MAVERICK
    You don’t owe me anything.
    We’re on the same team.
    ICE
    You saved our lives. You did it!

    MAVERICK
    We did it.

    ICE
    You’re a hell of a flyer.
    (he can’t resist)
    You can be my wingman any time.

    MAVERICK
    (laughs)
    No. You can be mine!

    Now Ice laughs. Nobody’s ever gonna win on this one. But Ice
    smiles at him…It’s now a running joke between them.

    ICE
    Whatever you say, Commander. “

  7. Lynne Renouf 7

    “I’m a little teapot
    with no clout.
    Here is the scandal.
    Here is the doubt
    When I get recorded
    ‘Police’ I shout
    Just tip me over
    Get Brash out!”

  8. Oblimova 8

    Banksy: “Brash? Gone by tea-time!”

  9. Rodel 9

    Oh sh*t! Here comes Rodney…..

  10. mikesh 10

    That dormouse over there, is he really sleeping? Or is he eavesdropping and just pretending to sleep.

  11. BLiP 11

    JK: Just look at those monkeys, would ya?

    JB: Fucking media, when are you going to kill off TVNZ and that shower of commies over at Radio New Zealand?

    JK: All in good time, Banksie, all in good time. You want the Broadcasting portfolio?

    JB: Lets save the details until we know the result. I might want Broadcasting *and* the Police. So how’s Bronagh?

    JK: Oh, my little Hobbit? She’s great. How’s things with your bunch?

    JB: All good. A constant source of support.

    JK: You put the milk in first – doesn’t that scald it?

    JB: Oh, its just a middle-class affectation I picked up after my first million. Are you going to have a bite to eat – some corn beef and peas, perhaps?

    JK: [guffaw] . . . he’s probably learned to use a wok by now. What a bozzo. How long are we going to have to put up with him? Its like working with “Dawn of the Dead” – first Douglas now Donny-boy.

    JB: Gone by lunchtime, John. Guaranteed. He won’t even have time to fire up his bong.

  12. Treetop 12

    Oh PM please tick me on the ballot paper for the Epsom candidate I need every vote.

  13. mike 13

    JB: “I’m having touble scoring good bud in Epsom John. Can you hook me up?”

    JK: “Chill out bro I’ll send some cops to your house with the good stuff tonight.”

  14. Sorry to spam your blog, but I thought that this might be relevant to your interests. MemeSpree NZ – a new humour project from the makers of the “Ghost Jobs” image – has not recently come into possession of the two Johnnie’s tapes. Exclusive, sharable images with pertinent quotes can be found at http://memespreenz.blogspot.com/2011/11/teabagger-tapes.html although for how much longer we couldn’t say.

    As for the caption, how about…

    “Voters seem to be lapping up our ‘Jam every other day’ policy!”

  15. M 15

    “Yes Banskie, I’ve got something to quell your excitement until the 26th – bromide. It’s in the tea you know.”

  16. fender 16

    JK: You know Banksie we need you in our team
    JB: Thats what I was hoping you’d say JK, we could be great together you know
    JK:Yeah I see you as the Paul Henry of politics Banksie
    JB:Well I’m not afraid to speak up over the important issues JK
    JK: I’m too gutless to use your frank language and raise those issues you’re so good at
    JB: And don’t forget JK me and my Epsom mates have the best porn, thats what those brown brothers keep climbing in the windows looking for
    JK: Yeah I know and sometimes some dope falls outa their pockets in the process, and once we knife Don we gunna need a new supplier

  17. Craig 17

    Key: Oh bluddyhell, Banks, you’re not crossdressing *again*, are you? I’ve been warned about this…

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