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What I did on my holidays – by [insert name here]

Written By: - Date published: 11:04 pm, November 20th, 2009 - 38 comments
Categories: blogs, national, Satire, scoundrels - Tags:

Ohmigod, after Red Alert informed me that the National MPs had started a blog, I nearly died!!!!!!!

And after I’d finished that and resurrected, I went and had a look at it.

Yep, I was right. These buggers know nothing about what blogging is about.

Some moronic PR flack somewhere (is that a parliamentary crest I see there?2) has told the National MPs to revert (I hope3) back to childhood and tell everyone what they did on their vacation. You can just imagine the twerp explaining to some MPs who have failed to leave the 20th century (I’m being charitable4) explaining how to behave on the blogs. They must project a kindly caring and outright personable image to their adoring pubic1 public.

Yeah right, and it looks like I’m paying for the motherf*cking1 site from my taxes2. So it is time to help them get an idea about how bad this site is.

These pillocks probably haven’t read any blogs in the past and have no idea about how to write for them. This is probably because they have only the techno savvy they picked up at school and need to get their kids to remind them to check if the network router is plugged into the power4. And it shows. It is really hard to see any f*cking1 personality or mental nudity1 from these wooden caricatures.

Like them or hate them (ie Trevor5), the Labour and Green MPs who blog actually have something to say. The bozos at the National MPs blog look like they were put in the ground and strung with wire by Pinetree Meads when he was young6.

The Red Alert comments were just hilarious. From the water retentive7 one:-

Because I’m in a critical bitch mood this week I have to say the blog is unfortunately indicative of National. Dull, conservative and lacking in content. Yes, it just looks like they are copying you guys and gals.

Blog/media releases and Party information on the same page ..bad. Very hard to turn that into something better than advertorial for the Party which is boring.

Their posts are going to be nowhere near as good as the ones here because sadly the National Party lacks any MP’s who I could see would be good blog writers. And that’s what a blog is all about. Take Mallard for example, who is a grumpy sod but can write well.

Even DPF in the depths of Egypt had only this circumspect statement to make…

As I understand it, the blog is not focused on politics so much as MPs experiences.

In other words the bloody site is totally boring, lacking in opinion, and looks like “What I did on my holidays – by [insert name here]“, probably written by idiot PR flacks from the 9th floor.

Lets hope they get better.

Footnotes, and a tribute to Pratchett – may he keep writing books. Unfortunately I’m less humorous than he is…
1:     The profanity on this post was brought to you by Paul Hutchinson, National MP and others.

Vote with profanity against the nanny state… But don’t do it here.

2:     What in the hell is the bloody parliamentary crest doing on this National Party ‘blog’.

That is only put on things that parliamentary services pays for.

We pay for our blog, the Labour MPs pay for Red Alert, the Greens pay for their Frogblog, the national party already pays for kiwiblog, etc. It costs peanuts and some skills to run a blog. There is no excuse for wasting my tax dollars like this.

The Standard is high traffic and costs $90 per month on a virtual server paid by me and those kind people who donate. Surely there is some National MP capable of downloading wordpress, buying some server space and setting up a blog?  If there isn’t then there has to be a kid that has been committed to the National bedlam that can4? Bill English keeps the Treasury saying that the government expenditure needs to be cut. Why not start by getting rid of the really boring bits first? The new national MP blog would be a good start.

3:      For all of my natural bile towards National MPs, I hope that this isn’t all they have.

The thought of new National MP blogs current performance displaying the depth and talent of the National caucus is appalling. Isn’t it bad enough that they have already given us the cabinet including Nick (serial liar) Smith, Bill (double dipton) English, Gerry (what pies) Brownlee, Chopper, Ladder, and clueless. Please don’t tell me that these are the cream of the bunch? Hey Rex, whats the job market like in Perth?

4:     For most of my adult life I’ve been trying to explain the 20th century computer tech to people like national MPs.

It usually starts with “It doesn’t work”, to which my inevitable response is to force them to check if the power is on. That usually takes 5 minutes, and 50% of the time results in an embarrassed silence before they admit that it magically just started working again. These are the type of people who used to extract their floppies from the cover, fold, staple, and post them to me after I asked them to send me their backups.

Of course I’m charitable… Just imagine what IrishBill would have said.

5:      What can one say. Trevor is a really nice guy who is a natural blogger – some kind of old duck who was born at the wrong time.

6:      Most of you probably won’t get this about Colin Meads.

But I was referring to that old bugger who is always on TV ads advertising almost everything.

He was  a farmer who also played rugby. Most of the National MP’s have seem to have had their brains fossilized about the time he was sticking in a lot of fence posts. Their posts look like they come from the same era – when they were little kiddies in school and writing those tedious essays about what they did on the holidays. At least the fenceposts have their excuse about the weather.

7:      Well I can’t be more kind to young Katie – it is bad for the rep of us grumpy old buggers.

Yesterday I banned someone for pointless abuse to her. Today I had to go to her site to check out commentary on this topic and so I added her to the blogroll. She seemed to have been actually complimentary about our wee site as well as borrowing some of our graphics (do we care?).

Enough niceness. She named herself – and cactii are water retentive…

38 comments on “What I did on my holidays – by [insert name here]”

  1. Mac1 1

    Check out the Kiakoura electorate in the new Nat blog. Yep, you read it right. Be a crayfish!

  2. Eoipso 2

    I visited the Nat site a few days ago and saw Chris Finlayson’s post National’s Pedigree in the Arts
    I left a comment…

    “In 2009, the arts are stronger than ever in New Zealand.”
    So why are so many artists losing their jobs?

    But my comment has been removed.

  3. Draco T Bastard 3

    The thing that I found most galling was that it’s called Meet you MP. I suspect that has something to do the “natural party of government” mentality that they have that’s left over from last century when they had more people signed on than any other party – you know, when fathers would go down and enrol there wives and children into the party without consulting them.

  4. QoT 4

    Melissa Lee a white supremacist? Who knew:

    Saturday November 14th 2009 will be etched in my mind forever. Not just because the All Whites made it to the World Cup Soccer but because it was a day NZ’s National Pride was firmly displayed for all to see with a stadium full of White clad spectators who held their breath at every turn of the game cheering our boys to victory.

    Simon Bridges blogging about a lingerie company is just too weird, and having seen him on Breakfast many a bleary-eyed morning I can’t see “really epitomised for me the changing face of the city” coming naturally from his keyboard.

    [lprent: Block quoted the quote]

  5. BLiP 5

    Spot Basher Bennett’s typo:

    As the Minister for Social Development she believes she has been give a great opportunity to affect positive change in peoples lives, families and their communities

    Must be outsourcing the proof reading to the same outfit as Teh New Zeeland Fox News Hareld.

    • Mac1 5.1

      I see two mistakes, BLiP- ‘affect’ and ‘peoples’.

      • BLiP 5.1.1

        Yeah – there is the effect/affect but I think the jury might be out on that one, and, sure, abuse of the apostrophe is so rampant these days I tend to ignore it. But the typo I spotted was “give” instead of “given”.

        • QoT 5.1.1.1

          Now you’ve pointed it out my brain hurts. More cider!

        • Mac1 5.1.1.2

          “Ouch!” said the former English teacher. Three mistakes in my book, then.

          I hope she cannot affect positive change, for I am sure it would not be to the better. The whole essence of left-wing thinking is to bring about positive change. She might just want to affect that.

          Still,”Be a crayfish”, and worry not about your clause.

  6. BLiP 6

    Hahahahaha – another classic, this time from Browncoalie:

    He is currently Shadow Leader of the House and his portfolio areas include Energy, State Owned Enterprises and State Services. He is also Chair of the Commerce Select Committee and Chair of the Strategy Committee.

    One can now begin to understand National Ltd®’s performance in relation to the economy when the Minister for Economic Development doesn’t even know he’s got the job, nor even that they actually won the election.

    The exact same information also appears in the National Ltd®’s own site – but will probably be down just as soon as they see this. I have kept a copy if anyone is interested.

    What a bunch of fucking morons, they really are.

    • Tigger 6.1

      It’s still there… I love this in his bio: “He is a strong advocate for sport.” Not a partaker, an advocate… I imagine if he did something more strenuous than yawn he’d suffer a heart attack. Maybe that explains why he wouldn’t stand to answer that question the Greens put to him that day…

  7. Irascible 7

    An appropriate anti-spam word again: misleading.
    The NACT site isn’t a blog it’s a misleading PR website ready to be filled with pictures of false teethed NACTers smiling woodenly at the camera in the vain hope they look sincere.
    A piece of fluff – an empty vessel making little noise.

  8. BLiP 8

    Simon Power:

    . . . from 1988 – 1993, Simon held various positions of responsibidtty. . . . snip . . . Upon completion of his studies Simon returned to his home town of Palmerston North where he began work as a sodtcitor

    Judith Collins:

    Minster of Veterans’ Affairs . . . snip . . As Minister of Veteran’s affairs I represented

    Murray McCully:

    Minster of Foreign Affairs,

    Tim Groser:

    Minister of Conservatio

    . . . I give up,

  9. BLiP 9

    One more – courtesy of Jonathan Coleman:

    News ans Speeches from Hon Dr Jonathan Coleman

  10. BLiP 10

    Just goes on and on and on . . . this time Simon Power:

    Simon held various positions of responsibidtty . . . snip . . . returned to his home town of Palmerston North where he began work as a sodtcitor

    Are these people really in charge of the country?

  11. bobo 11

    Simon Bridges always reminds me of those greasy Noel Leeming salesmen lurking in the home entertainment section waiting to pounce on some poor defenseless senior citizen who just needs a pack of lcd cleaner but ends up being told they need a 70″ tv with those bloody 300 dollar hdmi cables!!!! Victor Meldrew’s worst nightmare..

  12. Terry 12

    I love that Simon Bridges talkes nothing but rhetoric until he mentions Green Party initiatives.

    And I love NZ but I love how this marks the start of the slippery slope towards National being ridiculous as Fox News. New Zealanders aren’t THAT stupid. Bitter sweet but long overdue so NZ can see how stupid and cliche Nationals “initiatives” are.

  13. jcuknz 13

    I thought Kiwiblog was slow to load, I’m on dial-up, but the National site is so slow, so full of webmaster wanking fussy bits … it is glacial. No way will I waste my time going back there after my first glance.

  14. gobsmacked 14

    I don’t know what people are complaining about. This has clearly been set up by a mole, possibly the same person who leaked Hager the e-mails.

    I just clicked on a National MP’s face and got the sharpest political commentary I’ve seen in ages:

    “This might be a phishing website

    phishing websites impersonate trustworthy websites for the purpose of obtaining your personal or financial information.

    Microsoft recommends that you do not give any information to such websites.”

    National, in a nutshell.

  15. ghostwhowalksnz 15

    Finlayson says in meeting in London with the ‘Quintet’ group of Attorneys general.
    UK, USA Canada Australia NZ.

    Hmmm now why would these 5 busy people get together let alone include NZ .

    Then you realise that the 5 are part of the Secret data snooping agreements that have been on going since the end of WW2.
    Expect Finlayson to bring new restrctions on our freedoms/allow bugging etc to go on

  16. oh what sport shall be had
    these crumbs are theirs (as well as mine) worst enemies

  17. Rex Widerstrom 17

    Ironically I’ve only read this today thanks to a llittle something called Windows 7. Well not the OS per se, which actually seems to run amazingly well for a pre-Service Pack [insert number here] release, but rather a whole bunch of software that doesn’t seem to want to run on it. It’s not like the w*nkers who want $5,000 for a pile of bloated code, the superior equivalent to most of which can be found as Open Source, haven’t had fair warning that MS were scurrying to consign Vista to the “What? You think we made that OS?! You must be mistaken” file in which they’ve buried ME et al…

    Anyhow, having vented that to probably the only person I know who’d sympathise, the job market is booming here Lynn. The Gorgon Gas project has been confirmed and WA is officially off on another “boom”. According to the local paper dishwashers are getting paid $54k in the city and $95k if they’re willing to work in the mines.

    Mind you, it also has the most fascist government since… the Fascists. Think that’s hyperbole? They’ve (the WA Liberal government) just introduced a “stop and search” law which means Police don’t have to have any justification to do so. No more “reasonable suspicion”, nothing [reminds me of the Smith & Jones skit where the “not racist” copper keeps arresting the same bloke for charges like “possession of fuzzy hair and big lips].

    It was compared (by Liberal backbencher Peter Abetz) to Hitler… in a positive way. No, really:

    Last night Liberal backbencher Peter Abetz spoke in support of the legislation and used the example of Hitler.

    He said the dictator gained support because he provided people security in a time of anarchy.

    And all this with the seeming approval of the majority of the locals. So by all means come, get rich, but leave your silly expectations of privacy and freedom at the door. Who needs freedom when you have cash?!

    Growing a small moustache may assist in being accepted, as would learning to goosestep.

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