James Griffin in the Herald has written an article on things that John Key should set out to achieve in 2015. The article is obviously satire and a not too subtle put down of what is business as usual for the PM. Griffin proposes that Key smiles a lot, goes to lots of Cricket and Rugby World cup games, sell more stuff, has his team work on spontaneous Andrew Little put down lines and play lots of golf with new members of the National Party. Two of the suggestions are rather scathing. The first is:
Work on new plausible deniability technique. Not remembering and claiming not to be in the room at the time is starting to arouse suspicion, so time for a change-up. Maybe try “it was none of my business so I wasn’t paying attention” gambit? Upside is that it is human and relatable; downside is that it could be argued that as Prime Minister just about everything that happens in Government is my business. Yes this is unfair because there is a lot of business in a Government and a lot of that business is boring and therefore doesn’t interest me, but it seems to be expected that I should know everything about everything all the time. Who am I? Superman? Sometimes this job sucks but I must man up and deal with that.
The second neatly sums up the vacuum in National’s approach to Government:
Come up with a whole heap of exciting and innovative policies that will make New Zealand a better place. Probably not important this soon after an election but if we can at least be perceived as talking about thinking about this sort of stuff then people seem to like that. This is good because then they’re not shouting at me.
The two semi serious suggestions are about what to do with Judith Collins and Cameron Slater.
In relation to Collins Griffin says “[t]he woman has more lives than a panther or similar large predatory cat. Need to find her a job that both satiates her need for power but also keeps her away from other humans – especially me. Minister for the Chatham Islands, maybe?” Collins and the ferocity of her supporters must be giving Key all sorts of headaches.
The suggestion about Cameron Slater is to stay as far away from him as is humanely possible. “This goes for all forms of communication, not just walking the other way if he looms up in front of me. Above all do not have your photo taken with this man, John, even though having your photo taken is your favourite thing. Possibly talk to SIS (or the SAS) about a more permanent solution to the whale-in-the-room problem?” Good luck with that one John.
Of course there are many urgent and pressing things that Key needs to address but he seems more interested in getting his golfing handicap down. Things like:
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