Leaked: draft blueprint for future recruitment to ACC sensitive claims unit

• QoT
• 11 years ago
• Categories: ACC, Satire

It has recently come to the attention of the recruitment team that employees working within the sensitive claims unit may not be fully aware of the expectations of their role and the unit in general.

Given our unstated practice of never correcting the behaviour of current employees, given this will very likely incite them to leak even more sensitive material to external parties, the [redacted] Committee has determined the following policy:

1.  Review current recruitment processes for the sensitive claims unit and institute a holistic end-to-end process for ensuring global best practice is implemented within the recruitment framework

2.  Allow natural attrition to gradually downsize the potential risk profile of future incidents through replacing sub-optimal occupants of roles within the unit.

New recruitment procedure

The [redacted] Committee has determined that the following additional steps will be mandated in the recruitment process for the sensitive claims unit.  The new process will be in place as of 1 March 2013 notwithstanding current recruitment underway.

1.  Candidates will be asked to confirm that they realise they are applying for a role within the sensitive claims unit.

2.  Candidates will be asked to explain in their own words the implications of the name “sensitive claims unit”.

3.  Candidates will be asked if they understand what “sensitive” means.  If a satisfactory answer is given in (2), recruiters may choose to skip this step.

4.  Candidates will be placed in a scenario dealing with a medical report submitted relating to a sensitive case.  They will be given the options of:

a.  Filing the report as provided by the medical practitioner

b.  Filing the report as provided by the medical practitioner in the bin

c.  Randomly amending the report and making no note of the changes made

d.  Deliberately amending the report and making no note of the changes made

e.  Spinning round and round in their chair for an hour then go for drinks without locking their workstation.

Only candidates who answer (a) or (e) will be progressed to further stages of the recruitment process.

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H/T: Aww on Open Mike