The Toad’s ‘interview’ with ACT’s David Garrett is so good we had to steal it. Like all good parody, it’s easy to believe it could be real.
An interview with ACT Party Law and Order spokesperson David Garrotte
Toad: David, for many people, you first came to public attention when you appeared drunk on Eye to Eye.
Garrotte: Yeah, I was pretty pissed. I’d been on it all afternoon.
Toad: And you equated homosexuals with paedophiles on Eye to Eye. Are you homophobic?
Garrotte: Hell, no! I just don’t like poofters – or any other perverts or deviants for that matter.
Toad: Do you regret that comment on Eye to Eye?
Garrotte: Well, my position on the ACT list was announced after all the other candidates. That comment may have had something to do with that. But I got elected in the end, so I guess not.
Toad: Deborah Coddington said you told her on the show that your brother hates her. Is that true?
Garrotte: Yeah, it is. He does. I might have said it stone cold sober. I call a spade a spade, you know.
Toad: Some people find that a bit difficult to cope with. Did you find it difficult employing the right staff when you got into Parliament?
Garrotte: Hell no. I just asked the applicants if they thought William Bell should have got a bullet. Oh, and I asked the women if they were feminists. That sorted them out.
Toad: When the Attorney General’s report on your Three Strikes Bill came out, you were reported as saying ‘We’ve got too hung up on people’s rights.’ Do you think there is such a thing as fundamental human rights?
Garrotte: Yeah, for law-abiding mainstream New Zealanders there is. But not for crims, boongas, queers, lezzos, prostitutes, and assorted left-wing scum. At least we don’t have too many Jews and Gyppos here they are always carrying on about their rights. Anyway, that report was written by some oik in the Crown Law Office, so I don’t really care what it said.
Toad: With respect, David, Attorney General Chris Finlayson has confirmed that he doesn’t just sign off on Crown Law opinions, but considers them substantively himself.
Garrotte: Well, he’s a pansy and a wishy-washy liberal anyway, so what would you expect. I’m surprised he’s not in the Green Party.
Toad: And your Bill has also been criticised by the United Nations Human Rights Council as likely to violate two human rights conventions. Are you concerned about that?
Garrotte: Hell no! That Committee is full of wogs from places like Saudi Arabia and Qatar. What the hell would they know about human rights? There’s probably even a terrorist or two on it.
Toad: It’s been suggested that the increased prison muster resulting from your Three Strikes Bill may result in increased instance of prison assaults and rapes because many prisoners will be required to double-bunk. Are you concerned about that?
Garrottte: Not at all. Those low-life scum don’t have any rights. In fact a good rectal rogering or two in prison might make some of them think twice before committing a crime next time.
Toad: So you’re not concerned that some criminals could face disproportionately severe punishment on the third strike?
Garrotte: Not at all. Personally, I’d like to see them garrotted on the third strike, but the National Party has so many wish-washy liberal types that I know I’d never get that through.
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