Wanted: a new Leader of the Opposition

• mickysavage
• 2 years ago
• Categories: chris bishop, Christopher Luxon, humour, Satire, Simon Bridges, uncategorized

Wanted a new leader of the opposition.

Must have the following attributes:

• The ability to coordinate and manage an out of control rabble of a caucus many of who hate each other with a vengance.
• The ability to stop caucus leaking.  Good luck with that.
• An understanding of disparate factions and a workable plan to reconcile the aspirations of urban liberals who still want to be top dog, Christian Conservatives who disagree with all of the urban liberal faction’s progressive agenda, and the Farming Sector who just want things to be like they were in the 1950s but with current milk prices and farm sale prices.
• Sufficient chutzpah so that when their underlings completely fuck up the most important budget of the last Parliamentary Term you can smile and grin like there is nothing wrong.
• The expectation that if you fail you will be unceremoniously removed and publicly humiliated.
• The ability not to flinch as you daily criticise the Government for being too lax with its Covid response, then too rigid, then too lax, then too rigid, then too lax, then too rigid …
• Being able to repeat idiot attack lines consisitently day after day after day …
• Having as your primary goal stopping Judith Collins from undermining everyone else and paying back double.
• Being a professional mercenary in a previous life does not necessarily rule you out of contention.
• Being male is essential.  Being bald, Christian and white is an advantage.
• Has to be willing to drink lots of Whisky with Winston Peters.

At least there are lots of people interested in the job …