Who will be National’s next leader?

• notices and features
• 6 years ago
• Categories: bill english, blogs, David Farrar, dpf, humour, national, same old national, Satire
• Tags: aaron gilmour, bob jones, brett hudson, david bennett, mark richardson gareth morgan, mike hosking, paul goldsmith, peter tally

Post authored by Micky, Matt and Enzo. 

With Bill English gone all eyes will be on National’s leadership campaign. But they have a problem. As pointed out by this Dominion Post editorial all the leading contenders have striking flaws. National’s best interests may be to elect a caretaker and then get the real contender into Parliament and then change leaders.  Or maybe the next real leader is someone currently in Parliament who does not yet feature in leadership discussions.

So who are the potential leaders that will guide National back to its self proclaimed rightful place as leader?

Possible contenders include Mike Hosking.  He is clearly committed to the party’s values, he idolises John Key to an embarrassing degree, he despises poor people, and he owns a Ferrari. Who would be more perfect?  And he has Green credentials.  He once drove a Tesla.

Or there is Aaron “do you know who I am” Gilmour.  His born to rule tendencies make him a natural for National’s leadership.  And he has the benefit of having previous Parliamentary experience.

While we’re talking of leadership candidates, we should recognize the multitasking abilities of Paul Goldsmith, the man who managed to somehow get David Seymour elected while not tanking National’s party vote in one of the most solidly blue electorates in the country. Surely this hero could do the job.  Especially when his campaigning prowess is considered.

There’s also nothing National likes more than either a businessman (no girls allowed!) or a union-buster, and why just have one when you can get the other for free? Clearly the most noticeable in both categories is Sir Peter Talley, a man so generic people thought his name was John. And as a bonus, you wouldn’t even have to Knight him afterwards because we’ve already done it!

Or they could go full hog and select Robert Jones.  He is experienced, wealthy, has a conservative view of the world and is also a successful businessman. And he is able to attract media attention in a way most people are unable to.

And there’s that stellar example of a public profile, Brett Hudson, who was somehow robbed of winning Ōhāriu even after National ally and determined vote-splitter Peter Dunne withdrew from the race, he has the advantage, like Goldsmith, of being incredibly popular with the hipster community, at least where they’ve actually heard of him.

David Farrar would be uniquely positioned for an easy transition from pollster and spin doctor to party leader. Why wouldn’t you cut out the middle man? There is likely to be some opposition in the National Caucus to some of his more radical policies though – such as replacing traditional General Election voting methods with statements from candidates, of which many of the more coherent ones would be “hidden due to low comment rating”.

Mark Richardson needs a new side-project to compliment his TV gig, where 90% of his Job Description seems to be sitting in the background of Duncan Garner’s interviews looking like someone stole his teddy bear. Now that we’ve got a female Prime Minister who dares to balance her career with starting a family, the time has come for Mark to rise up, lead a popular movement, and be the saviour of men everywhere with batting averages marginally higher than their IQs.

And no list of qualified candidates is complete without Gareth Morgan, the smartest man in the room could secure National an extra 2.5% of the vote, while only losing them everyone who hates the treaty, everyone who loves cats, and generally anyone who likes charisma in a candidate.

The difficulty National has though is most of their candidates are far too out there on the fringes. They need to bring things back to the ‘sensible centre’ where most of the voters are. They need a consensus candidate who works well with others, builds bridges and forges new alliances with groups that might not otherwise vote National. A modern day Holyoake. Someone who otherwise hates socialism.  Step forward David Bennett, your time has come.

Thanks to other authors for the addition of ideas and text in the creation of this post.